Resurrecting Phoenix

by Isabel Lucero

  “I had a really great time tonight. Thank you for having me over and cooking dinner for me,” he says as we stand near the front door.

  “It was no problem. I had a great time, too.”

  He grants me with an adorable grin before leaning in and kissing me twice on the lips. I want them to continue and deepen, but it’s probably for the best that we don’t start that right now. With one last parting smile, he opens the door and disappears into the charcoal night.

  I close the door and put my fingers to my smiling lips.

  I sleep without the help of alcohol, and I think that just maybe things are looking up.

  THREE O’CLOCK IS the time that Marissa and I chose for her to come over. I actually suggested meeting at a restaurant, but she said she thought it would be best to not be in public, which only has me worried.

  So, now I sit here on the couch with my legs bouncing non-stop and my fingers twirling around each other, willing myself to not pour a drink. I’ve avoided hanging out with Marissa for several months now, and I feel bad about it. I’ve always made up an excuse when we’ve talked on the phone, but she’s always been understanding.

  When the bell rings, I jump up and pull the hem of my teal colored tank top down. My jeans are faded with a few tears around the knees, but I know Marissa isn’t going to care what I’m wearing. When I open the door, I’m thinking maybe I should have dressed up a little more, because Marissa looks amazing.

  Her hair is curly and thick, only being held down in the front by a wide, gold headband. The brown strands fly around her face in the wind, and her striking mix of blue/green eyes take me in. She flashes me a wide smile that highlights her perfectly sharp cheekbones.

  “Phoenix,” she almost squeals as she rushes in and wraps her arms around me. “It’s so good to see you. You look great!”

  I scoff as I disengage and step back to let her in. “Yeah right. You’re the one who looks good.”

  She looks down at her colorful, summer dress and waves a hand in the air. “I’m only dressed up because I had to show a house earlier.”

  We both take a seat on the couch, facing each other. “How’s that going?” I ask.

  “Great. It seems to be moving season, I’ve sold a handful of houses so far this summer.”

  “Good,” I reply with a smile.

  Silence swallows us both up for a minute as we just look at each other. Clearly, both of us have forgotten how to be around one another.

  “You really look great, Phoenix,” she says, giving my leg a small pat and squeeze.

  “Thanks.” I pause. “Marissa, I want to apologize for yelling at you before. It was a bad night, and you didn’t deserve that.”

  Again she waves me off. “Don’t. There’s no need for you to apologize. I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’re going through or how you feel, and I can’t fault you for your emotions. I should have chosen my words more carefully.”

  I shake my head. “I can’t expect people to do that for me. I was drunk, Marissa. I was angry, and I still am. I’m sad, hurt, and just downright miserable most days. I took all of that out on you and I’m sorry.”

  I reach over and grab her hand in mine and squeeze. She nods in acknowledgment, tears brimming in her eyes, but doesn’t try to argue.

  “I’m just so glad you let me come see you. I haven’t seen you in so long, and I’ve been wanting to hang out with you again. I know that maybe seeing me is a reminder of what happened, but I’m hoping that eventually, seeing me will just remind you of all the good times we had. You’re my best friend, Nix. I miss you.”

  A lone tear falls down my cheek and I wipe at it hastily. “I know. I miss you, too. I’m just now realizing that having people around me might not be the worst thing. It seems to help pass time, and keep me from my own thoughts.”

  “Yeah, you said you had company yesterday. That’s good. Unless you found a new best friend,” she says, giving me a playful scowl.

  I let out a short laugh. “No, I haven’t found a new best friend. It’s . . . uhh . . .” I struggle trying to figure out how to explain Evan to her. “I have a new neighbor, and we’ve hung out a couple times.”

  Marissa sits back and eyes me for several seconds before saying anything. “What’s this new neighbor’s name?” she asks with a tinge of amusement in her voice.

  I look up from my lap and try not to smile. “Evan.”

  Her eyes grow what seems like ten times larger than their normal size. “Evan, huh?”

  “He’s a nice guy,” I say, lifting one shoulder and trying to be casual about it.

  “I hope so.”

  We look at each other, and I can’t help but let out a short laugh. I don’t know if it’s out of nervousness, or the giddy feeling I get when I think of Evan, or the look on her face.

  “It’s not like that. I mean, I don’t know. I haven’t known him long, but he’s been a good friend. Stop looking like that.”

  “Looking like what?” she asks.

  “Your face looks like it doesn’t know whether it wants to smile or cry. I don’t know if you want details or want to lecture me. It’s weird, and I can’t look at you now,” I say with a chuckle.

  Marissa laughs. “I do want to hear details, but don’t know how to ask, or know if I should. I also want to make sure you’re not making decisions out of bereavement and the need to not feel alone. So, yes, he better damn well be a good guy. And maybe I do want to smile, because you look happier, and I want to cry because I’m happy that you look happier. Don’t judge me.”

  I laugh while I shake my head. “I was so worried you’d be the one to judge me.”

  She looks genuinely surprised. “Why would I judge you?”

  I twist my mouth up at her. “You know why.”

  She sighs. “It’s been over a year, Nix. You’ll move on eventually. Maybe this Evan guy found you before you knew you were ready to be found, but that doesn’t make this wrong. You know I married Anthony six months after breaking up with Dale. Now, I know a breakup is different, but a lot of people probably thought I was a big, stupid slut for finding a new boyfriend and marrying him so soon after breaking up with my high school sweetheart. I just knew when I met Anthony that he was the one, and I was just waiting for him to find me.”

  I give her a lopsided smile. “If Evan turns out to be the one, then what was Gordon? I thought he was the one I’d spend my life with.”

  “And maybe he would have been, honey. However, things turned out differently, and when he was no longer the one you could spend your life with, someone else came along. If Gordon was alive, you’d have never thought twice about Evan, but he’s not here, and Evan is. Evan might be the new happily ever after, and everybody—including you—deserves to have one.”

  “Gordon didn’t have one,” I say through my sniffling.

  Marissa sighs as tears fill her eyes again. “He did, honey. He lived his happily ever after, it’s just that his ended much sooner than anybody thought, but don’t doubt for a second that he was happy with you. He died a happy man having been able to spend his final years with you.”

  The tears rain down and I collapse into Marissa’s arms. We stay cuddled up in the middle of the couch, crying and consoling each other. After a while, I get up to grab us some tissues, and then flop back onto the couch.

  “So, what did you need to talk to me about?” I ask.

  Marissa locks eyes with me and the look on her face scares me. Maybe it’s because I can see fear on her own face.

  “Well, it’s not so much what I need to talk to you about, but what I need to show you.”

  Millions of things run through my head as to what it might be that she needs to show me. None of them good.

  “What?” I say in a voice barely above a whisper.

  She grabs her large bag from the floor and pulls it into her lap. After digging around for a few seconds, she pulls out a single envelope.

  My eyes stay trained on it while my heart feels like it’s doing fl
ips in my chest.

  “Anthony had instructions to give this to you, but only after it had been a year.”

  She extends her hand, but I don’t reach to take it.

  “What is it?” I question, my voice a mere quiver.

  Taking a deep breath, she says, “A letter from Gordon.”

  My body goes rigid. I’m frozen in place, unable to move, blink, or speak. The words just repeat in my mind.

  A letter from Gordon.

  A letter from Gordon.

  A letter from Gordon.

  “You gotta take it, Phoenix,” Marissa says softly as she lays the envelope in my lap.

  I shake my head frantically as tears coat my cheeks once again. “I can’t. I can’t read it, Marissa. I can’t. I don’t know if I can handle it.” My breathing is erratic, my eyes are wide, and I’m on the verge of hysteria. My body feels like it just had a grenade dropped in it and it’s about to burst into a million pieces.

  She takes my hands in hers and stares deep into my eyes. “Breathe, Phoenix. Calm down and breathe. You don’t have to read it right now, but you’ll have to eventually.”

  “What if it’s bad?”

  “It won’t be.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I just know.”

  “Do you know what it says?” I ask.

  “No, but I talked to Anthony, and a few of the cops there write letters to their families, just in case.”

  “Why wait a year?” I ask.

  “I don’t know. Those were his instructions though.”

  My shaky hands grab the envelope and I turn it over to see Gordon’s handwriting.

  To My Beautiful Phoenix Bird.

  I smile at the same time a loud sob escapes my mouth. My fingers caress the envelope slowly.

  “I’ll read it.”

  “I can leave and give you some privacy.”

  “No. Please stay,” I plead.

  “Okay.”

  I carefully and slowly tear open the envelope before pulling out the folded piece of notebook paper. With a deep breath, I unfold it and begin to read.

  Phoenix,

  I’m going to keep this short, because for one, I hope you never have to read this, and for two, you know I’m not good with words.

  Baby, if you’re reading this, it’s been one year since my death, and I can only hope you’re doing well. I wish I would have been able to stay with you. You are the best thing to ever happen to me, and being with you has made me the happiest man on earth. I know we had plans for forever, and I’m sorry I couldn’t give you that.

  Please know that I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I waited a year for you to get this, because I know you wouldn’t want to hear any of this before then, but waiting any longer didn’t seem right either. It’s okay to fall in love again, Phoenix. Don’t push away somebody’s love because of me. I will always love you. That’s something you’ll always have, but I can’t tell you that anymore and I can’t show you. You deserve to have someone prove to you how much you’re loved.

  Love will find you again, and it will be a great love, because love that finds you and isn’t sought after, is true love. When it finds you, grab onto it, and don’t let go. Be happy, Phoenix. You can still love me and love someone else. Don’t worry about that.

  You’re resilient, smart, and beautiful. You rise above everything like the Phoenix Bird you are. You may feel beaten down, broken, and weak, but you will rise, Phoenix. You will fly again. Stay strong for me. Keep me alive in your memories, but live for yourself, too. Don’t just survive. Live. You carry me with you in your heart and in your mind, and there I’ll always be.

  I love you, Phoenix. Take care of yourself.

  Love always and forever,

  Your Gordy Bear

  The letter is bittersweet. On the one hand, I get to see Gordon’s handwriting, know his thoughts and feelings, and feel like I have another piece of him here with me. On the other hand, I feel sad, because I miss him. I miss him terribly, and reading this letter shows me just how selfless and amazing he is. Was.

  My tears trickle down slowly at first until they eventually turn into waterfalls, so I move the paper to keep it from being ruined. Marissa pulls me into her arms and we sit there, crying together. Eventually, I succumb to sleep.

  I’m not sure how much time goes by, but when I wake up I’m lying on my side on the couch. I hear soft voices in the background and assume Marissa is on the phone, until I hear another voice I recognize.

  My mind is drained, my eyes swollen, and my heart heavy. I don’t want to get up, so I lay there and struggle to hear what the voices are saying.

  “She’s had a tough day, but I’ll let her know you stopped by.”

  “Thank you, and it was nice meeting you. Please tell her I hope she feels better soon, and to stop by when she feels up to it.”

  “Will do. Have a good night.”

  “You too, Marissa.”

  I hear the door close before I hear Marissa’s steps leading into the kitchen. After a few minutes, she walks back into the living room. I open my eyes and spot her looking at some framed photos on one of my shelves.

  She picks up a photo of me, her, Anthony, and Gordon. “I’m sorry Anthony couldn’t save you, Gordon. I’m sorry you’re not here, but he misses you. We all do, and I’ll do my best to look after Phoenix.”

  Her voice is soft and broken. My heart hurts a little more, because while I’ve been busy grieving the death of my husband, I seemed to forget he had friends who were grieving him, too.

  When she puts the photo back, I begin stretching and yawning to alert her of my consciousness. I see her swipe at a tear before forcing a smile.

  “Hey, sleepy head.”

  “Hey,” I grumble.

  “Need some Tylenol?” she asks.

  “Yes, please.”

  She smiles and rushes to the kitchen to fetch me some pills and water.

  “You had a visitor,” she singsongs as she hands me the glass.

  “Oh?”

  “He’s cute, too.”

  I roll my eyes as I swallow the pills. “Yeah, I know. Too cute.”

  “Nah, no such thing. But, you’re right. He seems like a good guy. He acted like he wanted to come in and take care of you, but I made sure he knew he wasn’t taking over the best friend spot.”

  I laugh. “I’m sure you did.”

  She puts her hands on her hips. “Eh. I didn’t want to grill him on our first meeting, but he’ll get the best friend third degree soon.”

  “It’s not serious yet. We’ll see. He knows I’m not ready.”

  “Does he know about Gordon?” she asks as she makes her way to the couch.

  “He knows I was married and that he was killed on our anniversary. He doesn’t know the details of how he died. I couldn’t get into that.”

  She nods her head in understanding. “So, the letter wasn’t bad?” she asks.

  “It was needed. He knew what I needed to hear. It was sad, but full of love.”

  “Good.”

  “I’m sorry for being selfish. I know you and Anthony lost Gordon as a friend, and I didn’t bother to ask how you guys were at all. I know Anthony had to have struggled with his death, considering he was there. Tell him I’m sorry.”

  She gives me a sad smile. “I will, but he understands. You were Gordon’s wife, and it was on your anniversary. You deserved to be selfish.”

  “I don’t deserve you as a friend,” I say, looking at my lap.

  “You deserve the best . . . and that would be me,” she says with a laugh as she elbows me in the arm.

  I give her a smile. “Thanks for coming over. We’ll have to do it again. Maybe with less tears.”

  “Of course. Less tears and more talk of hottie neighbors.”

  I roll my eyes. “Don’t expect much.”

  “Whatever. I’ll give you a call soon and make plans for a lunch or dinner date, okay?”

  “Sounds good.”

 
I walk her to the front door, and before she steps out, she turns back around and gives me a tight hug. I squeeze her back, feeling thankful for her patience with me.

  “Okay, don’t forget to stop by and let Neighbor Evan know you’re okay.”

  I laugh as we disengage. “Okay. Drive safely.”

  “Always.”

  I wave at her as she backs out of my driveway and drives down the street. I turn my gaze to Evan’s house and see his lights are still on.

  After a quick inner debate, I step back inside the house and close the door.

  I RUSH UP the stairs, scrub my face before re-applying light makeup. After I comb out my hair and tie it up in a high ponytail, I find some flip flops to slide my feet in, and rush back downstairs and out the front door.

  Gordon’s letter was something I needed. I feel like I have his approval to move on now. Who knows if I’ll move on with Evan, but now I know it’s okay to try. It’s okay to put myself out there, re-immerse myself into the world and live.

  I’ll always miss and love Gordon, and whoever I end up with will have to be okay with that. Gordon will always hold a piece of my heart.

  I softly knock on Evan’s door and wait.

  Almost a minute goes by, so I decide to use the bell in case he’s in his room or something. About thirty seconds later I hear him calling out.

  “Hold on, hold on. I’m coming.”

  The door opens and Evan stands there with only a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair is still wet, and drops of water still cling to his body. His ridiculous, photo-shopped looking body.

  My eyes rake over every single ripple and bulge. Abs. Holy hell, people have abs like that in real life?

  “Oh, hey, Phoenix,” he says, using another towel to dry off his hair. “I thought it might be you, so I wanted to get here before you left. Let me go get some clothes on.”

  He steps back, waiting for me to come in. I realize I still haven’t said anything. Have I looked at his face yet?

  “Oh. Yeah, clothes. Okay. I’ll wait.”