Seeing Your Face Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “That’s not true,” Daett said at once even though he winced. “I love you. You are my daughter, Lois! But I will not have you bring the world into our home. Please leave.”

  “I can’t even come home to visit?” Lois had tears running down on her face.

  “We’ll see about that later,” Daett said, standing his ground. “Right now you can start by dressing with modesty. Surely the Englisha people have some semblance of that. Most don’t look like you do now. At least Debbie never did.”

  “There you go!” Lois wailed. “You’re comparing me with Debbie. Don’t you understand, Daett? I’m not Debbie. I’m my own person.”

  “Then you should try to be more like her.” Daett’s voice had softened. “This conversation has gone on long enough. We’ve tried and tried to talk sense into your head over the years, Lois. I’m sorry for where I’ve failed you, but you can’t come home and be in the community looking like this. I’m ashamed to have to even speak of this with anyone, and yet I must because we do not hide our faults and our trials from one another. You know that. You grew up in the community. Or have you already forgotten even that?”

  Lois didn’t answer. She stumbled down the porch steps toward her car. Ida went with her, steadying her until they reached the car. Lois climbed in, and Ida waited until she’d closed the car door before she stepped back. Lois started the car and turned it around. She didn’t even wave as she drove down the driveway.

  Ida couldn’t help but think that Lois should have known better. She just refused to learn that her actions had consequences.

  Ida turned back to see Daett sitting on the top porch step. He held his head in his hands. He sighed. “I’ve failed, Ida. Miserably failed. I’m supposed to be the bishop of the flock, and my own daughter doesn’t know better than to act like she just did. I can’t believe how she was dressed.”

  “You did the best you knew raising her.” Ida sat down beside him. The front door opened behind them. They turned slightly and watched Mamm come out. No one said anything as she joined them on the steps. They stared down the road together.

  Ida broke the silence. “I don’t know why Lois never had much sense in her head.”

  “She’s not like we are. We mustn’t blame her too much,” Mamm said.

  “I will not have this.” Daett rose to his feet. “It’s also obvious that we can’t allow Debbie to have a car here any longer.”

  “But Daett!” Ida leaped to her feet. “That’s not fair! Just because of Lois?”

  “It might not be fair, Ida, but neither is life. We must look at this sensibly. When the ministers hear Lois arrived at our house in that outfit and driving a car, they’re going to make a connection between Lois’s behavior and having an Englisha living here. Debbie’s going to have to go, I’m afraid.”

  “But she’s close to accepting Paul’s offer.” Ida clutched her daett’s arm. “Once she gets Alvin out of her thoughts.”

  Daett smiled slightly. “Really, Ida? I’m afraid you have your hopes much too high. I don’t think Debbie will allow Paul to bring her home anytime, let alone soon. She’s got her heart set on Alvin, and Alvin’s not coming back.”

  “You’re just bitter,” Ida said. “Please don’t say such things, Daett.”

  “They’re true.” Mamm said as she stood up too. “This is a wake-up call for all of us, Ida. We’d better pay attention.”

  “So you’re going to throw Debbie out?” Ida let the horror sound in her voice. She frowned. “Just like that you’re going to sweep her away—and just because Lois shows up on our doorstep dressed indecently.”

  Daett sighed. “It’s more than that, Ida. It’s time we moved on. Lois is gone, living with Debbie’s folks. And they’re obviously having a bad influence on her.”

  “And we can’t go on like we are,” Mamm added.

  “Then let me speak with Debbie.” Ida knew she sounded desperate, but this had happened so suddenly. “It will be such a disappointment to her.”

  “Perhaps we should take this slowly.” Mamm glanced over at Daett.

  He frowned. “We don’t have much time. Minister Kanagy will have enough to say about what happened here today, to say nothing of your own interests with Melvin, Ida.”

  “Melvin’s fine.” Ida didn’t hesitate. “He understands about Debbie.”

  Daett shook his head. “Then it comes down to me, Ida. I’m no longer comfortable with how things are going around here. We’ll tell Debbie tonight that things have to change. I don’t want to chase her out, but I don’t know what else to do.” Daett looked at Mamm. “By the way, where is Debbie?”

  Ida gave Mamm a quick glance.

  Having seen the look, Daett repeated, “Where is she?” Alarm rang in his voice.

  “Debbie went to pay Alvin a visit in Philadelphia,” Ida said.

  “With his excommunication scheduled for tomorrow?” Daett paled. “What was the girl thinking?”

  Mamm reached for his arm. “Debbie kept me informed. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I didn’t see anything wrong with the visit. I was going to tell you. Debbie’s trying to persuade Alvin to return to the community.”

  Daett appeared thunderstruck.

  “Verna advised the trip,” Ida said.

  “Now I’ve heard everything! A woman going to instruct a man on his shortcomings! How do you expect that to work?”

  “No one else seemed to have much success,” Ida offered. She saw by the look on Daett’s face that she should have kept silent.

  “Are we Englisha now?” Daett exploded. “That we use whatever means lies at hand to accomplish a task. This is as bad as Lois showing up dressed…dressed like she was. I can’t believe you didn’t see the error in this, Saloma!”

  Mamm hung her head. “I’m sorry, Adam. It seemed like the right thing at the time.”

  “We’ve fallen far indeed.” Daett stared off into the distance. “Minister Kanagy was right after all. I’ve been slipping in my leadership at home and didn’t even know it. I see I will need to make my own confession tomorrow at the service before I can deal with anyone else. As the Scriptures say, “Cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye.” Daett turned and walked slowly toward the barn. He didn’t look back.

  “What does he mean?” Ida asked as Daett disappeared into the barn.

  Mamm sat on the porch step and wept.

  Ida sat beside her and waited

  “I don’t know what all he means, Ida,” Mamm said. “But a bishop doesn’t lose his daughter to the world without the people of the community becoming concerned about his leadership. Lois is now past the grace period in which we hoped she’d come back. And no daughter comes home looking like she did unless she’s got her mind made up about how and where she wants to live. We’ve been deceiving ourselves thinking Lois doesn’t know what she’s doing. Lois knows exactly what she’s doing.”

  “So why does Debbie have to go?” Ida’s voice trembled.

  “Something has to change.” Mamm got to her feet. “I support Daett totally, Ida. I want you to know that. So don’t go getting any ideas. Now, let’s get busy with our work before the evening gets here and we aren’t done.”

  Mamm disappeared into the house, but Ida stayed seated on the step. She would go help Mamm soon. Right now she was too weak to trust her own feet. How Mamm could turn on Debbie like this was beyond her—to say nothing of Daett. Still, the shock of having Lois come like she did wasn’t a light matter. That’s why her parents were taking this so hard. Lois had moved into the world, and there was nothing any of them could do about it.

  And poor Debbie was caught in the middle. Ida breathed a quick prayer. “Please, Da Hah, let Debbie see the wisdom of accepting Paul’s offer.” But her heart sank even as the words came out. Debbie would never allow Paul to bring her home from the hymn singing. Ida decided that she too needed to be honest about the facts and quit her daydreams. With a sigh, she got u
p and went inside.

  Twenty-Three

  Late that evening, after darkness had fallen, Debbie parked her car in its usual place under the overhang next to the barn. She’d taken her time coming home. Her tears hadn’t stopped for a long time. If she showed up at the Beilers’ home with tear-stained cheeks, that wouldn’t help anyone, herself included. It would accent the failure of her mission and make the situation worse—if that were possible. Alvin would be excommunicated tomorrow. She decided the news of how he was cavorting with an Englisha woman was something no one needed to know—at least from her lips.

  Debbie choked back another sob. She wouldn’t break down again if she could help it. Enough tears had been shed already. How she could have been so wrong about Alvin she couldn’t imagine, but her eyes hadn’t lied to her. Alvin was thoroughly enjoying that woman’s company, and it was clearly more than a casual friendship. Debbie wasn’t stupid enough to think otherwise.

  And the woman had been beautiful, so who could blame Alvin? Yet Debbie so desperately wanted to find an excuse for him. That impulse surprised her more than anything. Her heart ached, but it also wanted to understand. Maybe there was a reason for what Alvin had done. Maybe she should have approached Alvin and asked. Instead, she’d fled. If she hadn’t, she would only have embarrassed him, to say nothing of how she would have felt. There was no way she would throw herself at a man. If Alvin wanted a relationship with another woman, who was she to stand in his way? From now on she would stay in the community and mind her own business.

  Debbie got out of the car and walked toward the house. As she turned the corner, Emery stuck his head out of the barn doorway. Debbie pasted on a quick smile. “Howdy. How are you doing?”

  “Okay,” he smiled back. “Where have you been all day?”

  “I’m surprised you missed me,” Debbie said, but she didn’t slow down.

  He grunted something she couldn’t hear and retreated back into the barn. She wouldn’t be offering information on her day’s outing. Her lips were sealed; her heart was broken. She didn’t want to think about it anymore lest the tears start again.

  Ida met Debbie at the front door with a worried look on her face. “How did it go?”

  “It didn’t.” Debbie kept a stiff upper lip.

  “Oh, you poor dear,” Ida consoled. “Was he hardheaded?”

  Debbie didn’t reply. She wouldn’t lie; she just wouldn’t offer all the information. Ida didn’t seem bothered by her silence, but she fidgeted with her hands and looked like she had something on her mind. “Ida?” Debbie reached out to touch her friend’s arm. “What’s wrong?”

  “We’d better go up to my room,” Ida said. “I have something I must tell you.”

  Debbie followed Ida through the house, glancing into the kitchen as they went past. Saloma was busy at the stove, but she looked up with a pained expression on her face. Was this about the trip to Philadelphia? Debbie wondered. Surely she hadn’t done anything that wrong when she went to see Alvin. Ida and Saloma had seemed supportive before she left. Sure, Debbie hadn’t talked to Bishop Beiler, but she supposed Saloma would pass on the information. Once he was told, had he disapproved of the trip?

  Ida didn’t offer any information on the way upstairs, and Debbie didn’t ask. She followed Ida into her room and sat on the bed. Ida took the chair and faced Debbie as she sat down.

  “I’m sorry to have to tell you, but something terrible happened while you were gone,” Ida said.

  Debbie’s heart sank even lower. “The bishop is angry because I interfered with Alvin?”

  Ida nodded. “Yes, but it’s more than that. Lois stopped by today driving a car and dressed in clothes that were quite indecent. Daett ordered her off the place. Lois isn’t to come back until she shows more respect by coming without a car and dressing more appropriately.”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear this.” Debbie touched Ida’s hand. “This must be an awful shock to your family.”

  Ida winced. “That’s not the worst, Debbie. Daett says that with Lois raising such a stink and because she’s living with your parents, you have to move out. When the people of the community are told what’s been happening, that will be the last straw for you. Daett needs to be the one who makes the first move. It will look better for him.”

  “So I’m to blame for Lois’s behavior?” Debbie heard the bitterness in her voice.

  “I know you’re not to blame,” Ida said. “But this is how things are. That’s the way it goes in the community sometimes.”

  “And I suppose the only way I can stay is by accepting Paul Wagler’s advances?” Debbie’s anger was obvious. She wished it wasn’t there, but this day had been tough and long. And she wasn’t a saint.

  “I don’t know about that now.” Ida’s looked very serious. “I’ve been thinking about things a lot since Lois was here.”

  “And?” Debbie cut in, not waiting for Ida to finish.

  Ida took her time before she continued. “Daett has given up hope on you and Paul. We’re sure Minister Kanagy will blame you and your parents for leading Lois astray. He’s also going to suggest you had something to do with Alvin’s sudden departure. At the least, that you put the thought in his mind through your Englisha background and influence.”

  Debbie stood and paced the floor. She wasn’t going to leave without a struggle, she told herself. But what could she do? She was clearly out of ideas, and she didn’t think like these Amish people—as much as she admired them. Debbie stopped and faced Ida. “Help me out here. What can I do that would persuade your daett and the community that I’m serious about staying here? That I mean no harm and want to embrace living in the community.”

  “Date Paul? I’m not sure that would work at this point, but it would be the place to start.”

  Debbie didn’t hesitate. “I can’t do that. I’m not interested, and I don’t love him.”

  Ida’s brow furrowed, but moments later her face lit up. “I know what you can do. You could live like we do—completely. Like get rid of your car tonight yet, quit your job, and embrace all our traditions and the Ordnung. You could apply to join the baptismal class this spring.”

  “Wow!” Debbie turned to gaze out the window. “That’s radical.”

  Ida rose. “It would counteract the shockwave Lois set off today. I think the plan would work. And I could speak to Melvin on Sunday evening about you. He has more influence with his brother than people know. After Melvin’s talk with him, Minister Kanagy might give you more time.”

  Debbie took a deep breath. “Then we’d best tell your daett the new plan.”

  Ida hesitated. “Don’t you need more time to think about it?”

  Debbie shook her head. “Why would I? I’m committed to this way of life, Ida. I want to be part of the community all the way. I need to move forward, especially after today…” Debbie let the words drift into the air.

  Ida eyes grew wide. “What about your car, Debbie? Will you bury it in a field?”

  Debbie laughed. “Ida, people don’t bury cars! They give them away or sell them.”

  “There’s no time to sell it. For this to work the car has to be gone by tomorrow.” Ida waved her hand in the air like Cinderella’s fairy godmother.

  A hint of a smile played on Debbie’s face.

  Ida regarded her strangely. “Have I said something funny?”

  “No, I was just thinking about something else.” Debbie wiped the last bit of smile off her face. “So let’s see. The car. I could give it to my parents. What kind of vehicle was Lois driving today?”

  “I don’t remember,” Ida said. “I was too busy looking at Lois. You should have seen her, Debbie! She had more than half of her legs out for the world to see. I blushed myself at the sight.”

  “I can imagine.” Debbie stifled another smile. Why did she see so much humor in this tragic situation? Likely it was from the stress of the day and the shock of seeing Alvin with that woman. Instant soberness filled her heart as she remembered the im
age. “We should go tell your father now,” Debbie said. She moved toward the doorway. She wanted this over with to quiet the fear that was rising in her heart. There was no guarantee Bishop Beiler would approve this plan. If he didn’t, she would have to leave soon. That would break her heart in ways even Alvin couldn’t do.

  Ida led the way down the stairs without another word.

  The bishop was seated in his rocker reading the latest copy of The Budget. He lowered his paper when they appeared. “Hello, Debbie. It’s gut to see you back.”

  His words seem genuine enough, Debbie thought. Perhaps selling Ida’s proposal wouldn’t be too difficult after all.

  “I’ll get Mamm,” Ida said.

  “Please sit, Debbie.” The bishop motioned toward the couch.

  Debbie sat down and folded her hands in her lap. The sudden image of herself in her Englisha dress as she drove to Philadelphia flashed in her mind. Intense guilt followed. She’d indeed pushed the line, and she was tired of life like this. In a way it would be a relief to make the final plunge—if it wasn’t already too late.

  “Mamm said you were in Philadelphia today.” Bishop Beiler laid his paper on the floor beside him. Clearly he planned to have a lengthy conversation with her, and from the sober look on his face, it was the same one Ida had given her earlier.

  “Did Saloma tell you before I left?” Debbie asked.

  He shook his head.

  Ida rushed back from the kitchen with Saloma in tow. The two sat on the couch.

  Ida wasted no time. “Daett, I already told Debbie about what you said, and we’ve come up with a plan. Debbie wants to tell you about it.”

  Bishop Beiler raised his eyebrows. “A plan? And what would that be?” He sounded skeptical.

  “Tell him.” Ida looked at Debbie.

  “Not so fast,” Bishop Beiler interrupted. “I’d like to hear what Debbie thinks about the problem we have.”

  Debbie took a deep breath. “I think you’re perfectly justified in asking me to leave. In fact, I’m ashamed of myself that I’ve not thought more about how things appeared to the community. So the plan is—if you’ll allow me—I’m going to get rid of my car—maybe even tonight. Next week I’ll hitch a ride to my job until I can give Mr. Fulton my two week’s notice. I’m ready to make the final plunge and join the church—and put in my application for the spring baptismal class.”