Sweet Sound of Silence

by Melanie Dawn

  “Hey, dickhead,” Ian glowered from behind him. “She’s okay. Now get your hands off of her.”

  Ryder looked at me apologetically.

  I reached out, gently resting a hand on his bicep. “It’s all right,” I said softly. “Thank you.”

  He took a deep, ragged breath, loosening his grip on my shoulders. He leaned back, resting his butt on his heels. Covering his face in his hands, he heaved a staggering breath.

  Throwing the wet hood of his sweatshirt up onto his head, he stood up slowly and turned to face Ian. He must have known it was Ian’s fault that I fell into the water, because in a flash his fist connected with his face.

  Ian fell backward into the sand. “You asshole!” he seethed, clutching his jaw. He spit blood into the sand from his busted lip and stared up at Ryder, baring his teeth and breathing fast.

  Ryder stood over him, clenching his jaw and squeezing his fists by his side. You could almost hear a pin drop, as the party-goers stood silently, witnessing the scene. Glancing around at everyone and suddenly realizing that all eyes were on him, Ryder flew to his cooler, scooped it up, and stormed off toward his car.

  Ian rubbed his sore jaw, standing up. “Dude’s fucking crazy,” he groaned, looking around, embarrassed.

  “Alexis!” Gia yelled as she clambered to get to me. “Oh my god! What happened?” She crouched down beside me, looking petrified.

  I shook my head. “I’m fine, Gia. Just took a nose dive into the water.”

  She grimaced. “Holy shit. Are you okay?”

  Nodding, I insisted, “I’m okay. It just knocked the wind out of me for a second.”

  She rubbed my shoulder sympathetically. “Come on,” she said, “Let’s go sit by the fire. Warm you up.” She stood up, grabbing me by my hands and pulling me to my feet. She loped away on the balls of her feet, reminding me of a gazelle. When she got back to the blanket, she plopped down and patted the seat next to her. “This is the perfect spot to get dry.”

  The party resumed, and everyone else around us continued with what they were doing before the disruption. Before I had a chance to sit, Ian sidled up next to me, brushing his shoulder against mine.

  I stumbled back a step. “Ian, why… why did you push me?” I asked softly, my chin trembling.

  He tilted his head. “What?” he asked, furrowing his eyebrows. “But… I didn’t push you.” He scratched his temple as if he were digging for a thought.

  The muscles in my legs went rigid. “But, Ian, you were holding my hand. I didn’t want to jump. You… you pushed me.”

  Ian’s mouth dropped open, but no sound came out. The color drained from his face. “Baby, I didn’t push you. I swear.” He saw the hurt in my eyes, and his gaze immediately clouded over. Seconds later, he shrugged his shoulders in defeat, realizing that his horseplay had gotten out of hand. Running his fingers over his eyebrows, he bit one corner of his lip. “Oh god, did I really push you?” Without waiting for an answer, he dropped his chin to his chest. Then glancing up at me, his face ashen, he said, “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.” He reached out to me, but I recoiled from his touch. “Alexis, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I was just having fun. I never meant to hurt you.” He took a step toward me, leaning his forehead against mine, “You know that, right? I was just playing around. I swear I would never hurt you on purpose. I was about to jump in too until I realized you weren’t coming up. I got down there as fast as I could. I’m so sorry. Oh god, I’m sorry!” He enveloped me in his arms, and I shivered against his chest. He seemed genuinely sorry. He would never hurt me on purpose.

  “Please forgive me,” he breathed into my hair, his voice cracking.

  I just nodded. I didn’t know what else to say. All I could think about was that faraway look of panic in Ryder’s eyes.

  Ian kept me close the rest of the night. He seemed genuinely sorry, apologizing over and over. The thing that perplexed me was that the guy I saw on the bridge wasn’t the Ian I’d always known. That guy up there was not my best friend, and I was worried that our worst fears were coming true. Could this be the beginning of the downward spiral into stardom? The moment when he loses sight of reality?

  I SAT IN my car, catching my breath. I couldn’t believe I lost my shit in front of everyone like that. I’d never had a panic attack like that in public. I clutched a firm hand to my chest, where my heart was still beating wildly. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was my sweet little sister’s face and those bouncy curls, wet and matted to her cheeks. My throat felt dry, and I swallowed against the thick cotton that seemed to be stuffed back there.

  Suddenly, Alexis’s face popped into my head—those blue eyes staring up at me. That asshole pushed her off that fucking bridge, and now he probably had his tongue down her throat. I shifted my weight in my seat, turning the key to crank the engine.

  White knuckled, I gripped the steering wheel and peeled out of the gravel, heading back toward my dorm.

  I swung into the parking space and slammed the gear shift into park. The jerk didn’t deserve her. Not one fucking bit.

  I rubbed my brow to ward off the pounding headache that threatened to turn into a migraine. Forcing the zipper of my hoodie up, I hopped out of my car still soaking wet. I slammed my car door shut and jogged up the three flights of stairs toward my dorm room, hoping to blow off some steam. I flung open the door of my dorm room and stepped inside.

  The solitude welcomed me. I dead-bolted the door and ripped off my wet clothes, heading for the shower. I just wanted to warm up under the hot stream of the water. I just wanted the steam to dissolve my stress.

  I stood under the showerhead, letting the water spray on my head and slide down my body. I leaned my hands against the cool, tile wall and lowered my chin to my chest. Taking a few deep, cleansing breaths, I fought against the raging headache.

  When I stepped out of the shower, toweling off, I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. Long, damp locks of hair covered my forehead and dangled across my eyes, obstructing my view.

  Alexis’s words sliced like a knife through me. ‘What do you have hiding behind that hair anyway?’

  You think I’m hiding, huh?

  I glared at the mirror, knowing that Alexis was right. You’re a coward. Nothing but a pussy. I seethed at my reflection.

  Just then, I grabbed the pocket knife I kept in a drawer. Whipping it open, I stared at the long, sharp blade.

  I’ll show you a coward.

  Grabbing a lock of hair that draped across one eye, I ran the blade across it. It wasn’t as easy to cut as I thought it would be. Pressing hard against my hair, I sawed off an inch or more with the knife, watching the loose strands drop like dampened feathers into the porcelain sink. Grabbing another, I hacked it off hastily. There, I thought as another lock of hair dropped into the sink. Handful after angry handful, I chopped more and more hair off my head.

  When I finished, I stared at the reflection of my tear-filled eyes surrounded by their red-rimmed eyelids, no longer covered by the jagged drape. I glanced up at my new haircut. It was butchered and uneven, but it was done, and I wasn’t hiding any-fucking-more.

  IAN AND BRETT left late that Sunday afternoon. Although Ian had done everything he could to apologize, I was still a little hurt by what happened on the bridge. Part of me knew Ian was sorrier than he’d ever been in his life, but another part of me wondered if it was only the beginning. Before he left, I’d walked him and Brett down to the parking lot to say goodbye. Ian had held me tightly by the driver’s side of his truck.

  “I know I’ve said it a thousand times, baby, but I’m so, so sorry. I just can’t say it enough.” He pulled me close, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

  I tucked my chin, resting my cheek on his chest. He seemed so lost and hurt by his own actions that I felt the need to console him. “It’s okay, Ian. I forgive you.” Did I really? Could I?

  He kissed the top of my head. “Thank you,” he whispered, breathing deeply against my hair.
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br />   He climbed into his truck, and with a final wave, he was pulling out of the parking lot out of sight. I stood there, long after he’d gone, not quite sure how to feel.

  THE NEXT DAY, I’d walked across campus, wondering what I’d say to Ryder when I saw him in class. How would a simple ‘thank-you’ do justice for him pulling me to safety? I had no reason to be nervous—he was still the same Ryder that I knew before the party—but I still felt my chest tighten the moment I sat down. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see his shoulders tense the instant I settled into the seat.

  I glanced across the aisle at him. Something was different—very different. He was no longer hiding behind a curtain of hair. He didn’t bother to look up at me, but now that his hair was shorter, I could easily see the crease of his brows, the dimple in his cheek, and his shimmering irises. His butchered locks jutted out all over his head in messy disarray, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t do a double-take. He, however, didn’t offer to take his eyes off his desktop.

  Somehow we made it through class. Dr. Atkins had a long lecture and didn’t ask us to partner up. As long as I’d sat there, feeling the bubble of tension constrict around us, I wasn’t sure if I should thank her or strangle her for it.

  I needed to talk to Ryder. I needed to thank him for saving me. I needed him to know how much I appreciated what he did for me. I also needed to prove to myself that knowing the truth about him hadn’t changed the way I saw him. And then my moment came.

  After she’d dismissed class and students were filing out of the room, Dr. Atkins called out, “If you haven’t already, this week would be a perfect time to think about beginning to meet up with your partner to study for the upcoming midterm. It’s only a few weeks away.”

  I turned to Ryder, who had begun to pack his things. “Hey, I just wanted to thank you for the other night,” I said. How could I possibly explain what happened up there on that bridge?

  He paused, not moving a muscle.

  “Ian was drunk. He didn’t realize what he was doing.” Why did I feel the need to apologize for him?

  I could sense the tension in Ryder’s shoulders, but he still didn’t offer to move.

  What happened with Ian had happened, and there was nothing that could be said to explain it away. I’d thanked Ryder for rescuing me, and that’s what mattered. “I like your new haircut,” I offered, changing the subject.

  He quickly reached up and swiped his hand through the messy locks, seeming slightly embarrassed.

  “No really. It looks good on you,” I assured him. Get to the point, Alexis. The study guide. “So, um… I’ll be at Jivin’ Java later… around eight… if you want to meet me. We could start the study guide if you want.”

  He heard me. I know he did because he flicked his eyes toward me, pinning me to my seat with his piercing gaze. He didn’t nod, but he didn’t look away either. I wondered if that was a yes.

  “Okay,” I said, hesitating. “So, I’ll see you there?”

  He pursed his lips, running a hand through his hair again. Grabbing his backpack off the floor, he stood up as he slid a hand into the front pocket of his jeans. With a soft, almost inaudible sigh, he turned and walked out of the classroom, leaving me in the waft of his cool, crisp cologne.

  Inhaling deeply, I asked once more, “So I guess that’s a yes?”

  But he was long gone.

  THAT NIGHT, I’D slipped into a booth at Jivin’ Java, anxiously awaiting his possible arrival. I’d brought all the materials we’d need to study for midterms together.

  I’d been waiting for twenty minutes when I’d begun to give up hope that he was going to show. I’d sipped my mocha slowly, but by then it had grown cold. I was tapping my fingers on the table when that guy, Tim, walked up to me.

  “Hi,” he said. “Alexis, right?” He stared down at me. A confident smirk revealed a dimple in his left cheek.

  I nodded. “That’s right.”

  Tim looked around. “Is this seat taken?” he asked boldly.

  I nodded again. The words seemed to hang in the back of my throat. His bulging green eyes blinked rapidly. “Yeah, I’m waiting for someone,” I told him.

  “Oh,” he said, his lips forming a perfect O. He didn’t move a muscle, as if he were debating sitting down anyway.

  Tim continued to stare at me. “No show?” he asked, glancing at my phone in my hand.

  I pursed my lips, shaking my head. “Not yet.” I suddenly felt the urge to tuck and run.

  He motioned to the empty seat. “Would you mind? I mean, until he gets here.”

  The way he looked at me, like he wasn’t going to take no for an answer, was a little frightening. I felt rooted to my seat.

  “Sure,” I replied, my voice a little more shrill than I’d intended.

  Tim grinned, sliding into the booth and clasping his hands in front of him. His claw-like fingernails and pointy beak nose reminded me of a vulture.

  I peered down at my phone in my lap, trying to avoid Tim’s beady eyes. I silently cursed Ryder for standing me up.

  When I glanced back up, Tim was smiling at me. “I hope I’m not bothering you,” he said. “You just seem like a nice girl is all.”

  To take back to your lair? I wondered.

  “You’re a freshman, right?” he asked.

  I nodded. “Yeah.” My heart beat in my throat. “What about you?”

  “Sophomore,” he said. “Engineering major. You?”

  I swallowed hard. “Either psych or communications. I’m still undecided.”

  Nodding, he said, “You’ve got time.” His thin lips tugged into a half grin. “By the way, thank you again for helping me out that day.” He took a sip of his coffee, leaning back against the booth. He seemed so relaxed, perched in his seat like that.

  “No problem,” I said, and I felt myself relaxing a little, too.

  The conversation continued as I finished my now chilled mocha. He asked about how I liked college, if it was all I thought it would be. He asked if I liked all of my professors or if I’d bombed any tests yet. Before I knew it, an hour had gone by. Tim seemed kind of decent after all, and I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe I’d had the wrong idea about him.

  As we were leaving the coffee shop, he held the door open for me, smiling as I brushed past him. “Thanks for a great evening. Glad I bumped into you,” he said. “Maybe we could do this again sometime? A date, maybe?”

  I shook my head. “Sorry. No date. I have a boyfriend back home,” I told him. “But, it was a great evening.” I tucked my hands into my jacket pockets. The cool, autumn breeze had become quite chilly. “Thanks for the chat. I’ll see you later.” I headed toward my dorm, thankful the evening hadn’t ended with me tied up in a dank, underground shelter somewhere out in the middle of nowhere.

  THE EVENING WITH Tim had turned out okay enough that I completely let Ryder off the hook for standing me up. After all, he hadn’t technically said he would meet me to study. I’d just assumed he’d show up.

  Life resumed as normal. I’d found plenty of time between classes to study. Occasionally, I’d take my notes to the nursing home. I’d sit by the bedside of an elderly patient who was too weak to play chess and just read. Everything just seemed to be falling into place.

  Almost two weeks had passed since the lake party. Ian had continued to beg and grovel for my forgiveness. I knew he didn’t have a malicious bone in his body. At least, not the Ian I thought I knew. We’d been together, as friends first, for so long that I knew what happened up there on that bridge was mainly due to the alcohol and partially due to something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. A changed Ian, maybe? I just wanted to pretend like that night never happened. I wanted my old Ian back. The one before the big hits and steady rise to fame. Deep down, I knew the old Ian was history. I just wasn’t ready to accept it yet. The rest of that weekend, I’d caught glimpses of my Ian once in a while, but for the most part this guy I barely recognized had taken his place. I’d spent the two weeks
perplexed over the whole situation.

  The minute I stepped out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, after showering and blow-drying my hair, I heard the quiet whispers of Gia and Brynlee. They were huddled over Gia’s laptop, murmuring. The moment they saw me, Gia jerked the mouse and slammed the lid shut.

  “What?” I asked, knowing they were being sneaky about something.

  “Nothing,” Brynlee quipped, a little too fake.

  “Aw, come on, guys. I know you’re up to something.” I insisted, sorting through my drawer for a tank top and yoga pants. Quickly slipping them both on, I bounced over to Gia’s bed and slumped down onto the plush comforter. “What’s going on?”

  Gia looked down at her hands. “Well…” her voice trailed.

  Brynlee couldn’t look me in the eye.

  I was starting to get worried. “What is it?” I glanced back and forth between Gia and Brynlee, trying to get a read from either of them. Neither one seemed to want to fess up. “Tell me.”

  Gia clasped her hands in front of her, wringing them nervously. “Well, we were looking at that celebrity gossip column online…”

  Oh god. It’s about Ian.

  I glanced at Brynlee, who slumped her shoulders and stared at her feet.

  “Um, well…” Gia hesitated to speak further.

  “What happened, Gia?” I demanded, crossing my arms and tapping my toe impatiently.

  She sighed. “It’s Ian. He was caught making out with another girl.”

  My foot immediately stilled. The truth slammed me in the chest with blunt force. My arms fell limply to my sides. “He… he… what?” Words refused to come.

  “Oh, Alexis,” Brynlee sank down beside me on the bed, wrapping her arm around me. “I’m so sorry.”

  “He… made out? With someone else? Oh god—” I clamped a hand onto my chest, struggling to breathe. It can’t be true. There’s just no way. “Are you sure it was Ian?”

  Gia nodded. “The pictures are pretty clear.”