Sweet Sound of Silence

by Melanie Dawn

  I just had to see for myself, so I reached for the laptop and pulled it open. The screen immediately flashed to life. The photos were plastered all over the page. Ian with his arm wrapped around some skank. Ian walking hand in hand with her. Ian face to face with her, mouth to mouth with her. On a bench with her. On top of her.

  Oh, God… no!

  That’s why he seemed so distant last night when I’d talked to him on the phone. He was preoccupied. Or guilty. Or both.

  My lip trembled. This can’t be happening. Why would he do that to me? My best friend! We had agreed to stay together. He’d been everything to me. We’d gone through so much, from our first kiss to his first single. From my first prom to his first concert. Why would he want to hurt me like this?

  Suddenly, the walls felt like they were closing in on me. I needed air. I needed to get out of that room. I stood up, wavering on my feet, gasping for breath.

  “Where are you going?” Brynlee asked, panicked.

  “Out,” I said, slipping my sneakers onto my feet.

  “Where?” Gia demanded, clearly worried about my emotional state.

  “I don’t know. Just out,” I barked, grabbing my cell phone off my desk. I knew it wasn’t their fault. I just wanted to be alone. I needed a minute to figure all this out.

  I dialed Ian’s number the minute my foot hit the threshold. I stormed down the hall toward the stairwell. He picked up on the third ring, just as I stepped outside.

  “Hey baby,” he cooed into the phone. The sticky sweetness of his voice was a dead giveaway.

  “Don’t ‘baby’ me,” I scoffed. “What happened, Ian? Tell me the truth. I deserve the damn truth.”

  “What do you mean?” he asked innocently.

  I stomped my foot, and it echoed in the small space of the stairwell. “I saw the pictures Ian. I saw what you did.” He’d better not even try to deny it.

  Silence.

  “No apology? Nothing?” I demanded. How could he sit there and not say anything? I deserved an explanation.

  Meekly, he whispered, “I’m sorry, Alexis. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  What? While I wanted to hear the truth, I also wasn’t prepared to hear it. I collapsed onto the stair, a sobbing heap of self-pity. “Why, Ian? Why would you do this to me?” How could he throw the past three years away like that?

  “I’m sorry.” It was all he could muster.

  ‘Sorry’ didn’t make up for the past three years. ‘Sorry’ didn’t keep my heart from breaking. ‘Sorry’ didn’t take away the hurt. I cried softly into the phone, trying to find words for the pain in my heart.

  He tried to explain. “It’s just… things are different. They’ve been different since the day you left for college. I’ve tried to make it work, Alexis. I really have.”

  I glared at an imaginary spot on the wall, pounding a clenched fist on my thigh. “It’s been nine weeks, Ian. Nine weeks!” Three years were spent building a relationship, only to be destroyed in a matter of weeks. How did this happen? How could he do this?

  “But the minute you left, you changed,” he declared.

  I changed? He was the one who didn’t seem to have time for me anymore. “Don’t you dare try to pin this on me,” I seethed. The muscles in my stomach quivered while my heart pounded in my chest.

  “I’m not. Okay? I’m just saying things are different. This long distance thing just isn’t working out. I’m sorry, Alexis. I don’t know what else to say.”

  My mouth fell open just as a sudden coldness swept over me. My muscles went rigid as I sputtered, “You’re… you’re saying you want to break up?” Deep down, I knew that’s where this conversation was headed. I just wasn’t ready to accept it yet.

  “I… yes, Alexis. I think we should break up.” The cold tone of his voice gripped my heart, and I started to feel dizzy.

  No. I shook my head in disbelief. This isn’t really happening. “Don’t do this, Ian,” I pleaded. I was losing him. I was losing my best friend, after everything we’d been through together. He’d always been my rock when I needed a shoulder to cry on. He’d just hold me and tell me everything would be all right, like the day I injured my knee at the state volleyball tournament or when I just knew I’d botched my first SAT exam. He was there when I’d sent my college application and the moment I’d opened my acceptance letter. He’d been there through it all.

  Then there I’d been, the one who sat on the front row of his first concert, cheering him on. I’d watched him play in a nearly empty venue on numerous Monday nights because it was the only day available on the calendar for an unknown artist like him. I’d watched him practice the same song endlessly for weeks before a recording. I’d given him all of me—my heart, my soul, my everything. And I’d never regretted a single minute of it because he’d meant everything to me.

  So after all this time we’d spent together, he could just throw it all away on some one-night romp in the city with some chick? And that’s when the anger struck me. “You know what, Ian? Fuck you!”

  I hung up on him. He didn’t deserve another second of my time. I was hurt and angry. I didn’t really know how to feel. I tucked my phone into my bra and took off down the stairs. I didn’t know where I was going all I knew was that I needed to get away from this place. The sun was setting, so it was getting dark and chilly, but I didn’t care. I just needed to get the hell out of there. So I ran. I ran as fast as I could until my lungs burned in my chest. My legs ached, but I didn’t stop. I needed to run until the pain in my heart was gone, until my memories of Ian had faded into a black hole.

  Stinging tears blinded my face as I made my way across campus. Why did he do this? How could he take my heart and shatter it as if it meant nothing to him? Heaving sobs filled my throat as I coughed and sputtered against the lack of oxygen from running and crying at the same time. How could someone who’d said they loved me hurt me so much? The darker it got, the harder I pushed myself. I felt weak, but my determination pressed on. Forget Ian! It was the only way to keep myself together.

  Just as I rounded a corner, the toe of my shoe caught a brick and I tumbled to the ground with a thud, sliding with force against the cobbled path. Searing pain immediately spread across my knees. I cried out into the darkness, sitting myself up to inspect the damage. I winced when I peeled the knee of my torn yoga pants back, ripping it away from my mangled knee. Blood dripped onto the bricks below.

  “Ouch,” I whispered, drawing in a sharp breath.

  Just then, a dark figure squatted down beside me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

  Shit! I gasped, pulling away from his strong grasp.

  I looked up into a beautiful set of eyes beneath furrowed eyebrows. “Ryder,” I sighed with relief. “You scared the shit out of me.”

  Ryder frowned apologetically. Then, he cocked his head to the side, pursing his lips while he inspected my injury.

  I waved his concern away. “It’s just a scratch.” I tried to pull the pant leg back down, but it hurt too much.

  Ryder stood up, blinking rapidly as if he were trying to decide how to help. Just then, he reached a hand out to me, and pulled me off the ground.

  “Thanks,” I said softly, trying to avoid eye contact with him.

  With a firm hand on my back, he began leading me. Blinded by my tears, the pain of my knee and the throb of my broken heart, I let him. I followed his lead all the way to Haynes, through the front door, and through the door of his dorm room. Before I could get my wits, I was standing in the middle of his room, watching him dig through a first aid kit he’d kept in a drawer in his desk.

  Glancing around, I noticed the plethora of Rites of Spring, One Last Wish, and Fugazi posters lining the walls, envious of each and every one. “I’m okay… really,” I tried to convince him, as he took out the anti-septic and some bandages.

  He motioned for me to sit on the edge of his bed, so I did. Propping my leg up to inspect the injury, he ripped open the package of the bandage. With a quick spray of
anti-septic, I gasped from the burn. Trying to ease the sting, he gently blew on it. His concerned eyes glanced up at me, as he tried earnestly to take the pain away. I took a moment to soak in the beauty of them.

  Something about his proximity—the fact that we were in his space and on his bed—clouded my mind. Running had helped clear my head a little, but it didn’t prepare me for this at all.

  Ryder taped the bandage over my injured knee and inspected the job. While my knee felt better, the pain in my heart over losing Ian was still fresh.

  “Thank you,” I whispered as Ryder’s eyes caught mine. One corner of his perfectly shaped lips curled upward. I guess it could have been registered as a smile. Either way, I’d take it. The softness in his expression affirmed it.

  He sat there, staring at me, lost in some sort of moment. I could see his chest rising and falling with every breath. The scent of his cologne invaded my senses.

  I was lost, too. Lost in the hollowness of my chest and the ache in my heart over losing Ian. That’s the only explanation I had for what I did next. Without thinking, I leaned in fast, pressing my lips to his, craving some sort of connection—a bandage for my wounded heart. I just needed to feel something. To feel needed. Wanted.

  He seemed initially shocked, but after a split second, he began to kiss me back. His lips were fuller and softer than I imagined, heating my insides like a torch. They tenderly brushed against mine, like rose petals gliding across my skin. He instinctively reached up, cupping my cheeks and pulling me toward him. I leaned into his kiss, vying for a deeper connection. His lips moved in rhythm with mine, and his tongue caressed the seam of my lips. Parting them, I welcomed him, immediately recognizing his sense of urgency as he swept his tongue in my mouth. I relished his taste of mint and masculinity. He slid his hands to the back of my head, clutching it as his fingers gripped a fistful of hair.

  I felt powerless beneath his strong grasp and succumbed to his needful desperation by clinging to him as he devoured my mouth. My knees felt weak as I clenched my legs against my own building desire. For a moment we were frozen in time, savoring every second. But as quickly as he drank me in, he pulled away again, bouncing off the bed like a sergeant’s quarter on a private’s tightly-tucked sheets. He clapped his hand over his mouth with a wide-eyed look of horror on his face.

  I immediately covered my face with my hands. Shit! What the hell was I thinking? “Oh god, I’m so sorry!” I gasped as I peeked through my fingers at a horrified Ryder. A tingling swept up the back of my neck and across my face.

  He turned away, as if he were trying to find a place to hide. Quickly realizing there was nowhere to go, he opened the door of his room instead. I took it as an indication that he wanted me to get the hell out, so I didn’t hesitate. I stood up, lightheaded, and practically sprinted back to my dorm.

  THE MOMENT I closed it behind her, I fell against the cool, wooden door. A feeling of heaviness filled my chest, and my stomach knotted. Like a dumbass, I freaked, and now she was gone. Fuck! The tingle from her lips still lingered on my lips, while the raging hard-on in my pants reprimanded me with a pulsing throb against my jeans.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, banging my forehead repeatedly against the door. Stupid, stupid, stupid. After several excruciatingly regretful seconds, I finally dropped my hands down by my sides. My arms felt heavy as my shoulders slumped. I crumpled down onto the bed, where her scent still lingered.

  Inhaling the soft hint of flowers and femininity, I swallowed back the thickness in my throat. I shouldn’t have run her off. I should have kissed her into oblivion. I should have allowed myself the feelings that were welling up inside of me the moment her lips touched mine.

  I just wanted to feel normal, but I couldn’t. Normal wasn’t something I was entitled to enjoy. I just wanted to disappear to a place where infectious smiles and beautiful blue eyes didn’t exist. But for just one moment, I wanted to go back and relive that kiss. Maybe I would do things a little bit differently—just maybe.

  I SPENT THAT night in a fitful sleep, dreaming about Alexis’s soft kiss and the way her warm body had felt against mine. But when I woke up, I was determined to put that moment out of my head. I needed to focus, so I spent the day working on a paper for my History 200 class. What better way to forget than by submerging myself in the American Civil War and the events leading up to Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address?

  Later that evening, I traipsed down the stairs of my dorm, through the main entrance, and out into the quad toward the student cafeteria.

  As I entered the building, I grabbed a tray and slid it down the metal rails.

  “Chicken or beef?” The lady behind the counter asked as though she were thoroughly bored by her job. I pointed to the chicken, and she scooped a helping, dumping it out onto the flour tortilla. She slid my plate down the line to the next worker who poured spoons full of beans and rice onto the plate also.

  Just then, Fletcher came up behind me. “You headed to Cagney’s later? Want me to join you?”

  The look I gave him answered his question because he held his hands up in surrender. “Sorry, man,” he said. “I take it you wanna be left alone.” He glanced at the table where he’d been sitting. Moss, Lance, and Dane were sitting there, watching us. Looking back at me, he said, “We’re heading over to Marz if you change your mind and wanna hang out.” Marz was a dance club. I had no desire to dance, but sometimes it was nice to lose myself in the hard thump of the beat of the music—a feeling that filled up the hollowness in my chest.

  I shirked a response and grabbed my plate from the awaiting server. Sliding my tray down the rails, I handed the cashier my student ID to swipe. Fletcher shrugged and rejoined the group at his table, watching me with pity. Poor Fletch. He tried. He really tried to scale the walls I’d built, but I just couldn’t let him.

  Sinking down at a table alone, I began to eat my fajita. I heard her laugh, before I saw her. Glancing up, her contagious smile was unmistakable as she was walking in with her roommate, Gia. They were talking and giggling while the ladies behind the counter filled their trays.

  “Hey, Gia!” Dane called. She turned around, giving him a small wave. He motioned to the empty seats at his table. She nodded and shot Alexis a coy grin. Alexis elbowed her and whispered. I imagined she was teasing her about him. I had to hand it to Dane. He’d finally picked a decent one. Most of the girls he went for were total bitches. Gia didn’t seem to be, but I could still tell she was leery of me. Alexis picked up her tray and spun around, nearly dropping it when her gaze landed on me.

  I tried to look away, but my eyes betrayed me. Instead, I sat there, staring like an idiot. A look of embarrassment, maybe regret, washed over her face. Then I remembered how I’d practically shoved her out of my dorm room last night. I felt a little guilty for shutting her out like that. She didn’t deserve it. I was the one with the problem. Not her.

  Her shoulders slumped, and she sighed softly. It ate at me, knowing I’d stolen her smile. I’d wiped it right off her face with just one glance, but I hadn’t meant to. Frowning, I tore my eyes away from her and dug a fork into my refried beans. I wanted to let her get back to the jovial spirit that I’d seen her walk in with. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Gia walk up beside her and nudge her. She stood motionless for a few more seconds before taking a deep breath and turning to walk to Fletcher’s table. I stuck the fork in my mouth and swallowed the bite, trying to stuff down the remorse that was welling up inside me.

  I watched her as the guys at the table laughed and joked with her and Gia. She smiled, reminding me again of how pretty her eyes were when the joy behind her grin reached them. For a second, she peeked over her shoulder to look at me. She caught me watching her and again, I couldn’t look away. Instead, I felt one corner of my mouth tugging upward. It was the first time in a very long time that even a half grin had played on my lips. She pursed her own lips, trying to hide her bashful smile. And for a moment, we were locked on each other, seeming to understand e
ach other’s plight.

  I’D BEEN HORRIFIED the instant I laid eyes on Ryder when I walked into the cafeteria. Just thinking of how forward and senseless I had become in his dorm room the night before when I’d kissed him. Guilt consumed me, knowing I’d thrown myself at him to alleviate my heartache over Ian. Ryder’s fierce reaction to my kiss had me wanting to crawl under a table and hide the moment our eyes locked. I was completely mortified at the sight of him, but right before I was about to flee the cafeteria, Dane and the guys called Gia and me over to their table. I was momentarily saved from my embarrassment. When I sat down, I couldn’t stop myself. I glanced back at Ryder one more time. I couldn’t so easily forget the way his lips felt on mine. The way I nearly moaned when I deepened my kiss, seeking solace in the relief it brought me. The way his hands instinctively reached up, softly cupping my cheeks. The way I completely forgot about Ian for those few seconds as Ryder gently kissed me back. And last, but not least, the surprising way that in those few seconds it seemed as though the feelings I felt for Ryder were real and not just a numbing agent for my heartache. For an instant, I relived that intense moment as his eyes caught my gaze once again. And that’s when I remembered his fierce reaction. The way he jerked away from my touch. The disgusted look on his face. The way he practically slammed the door behind me when I bolted.

  Peering at him across the crowded room, I simultaneously wanted to escape my humiliation and wished I could relive that amazing kiss—the feeling was sweet torture. As I stared at him, his eyes bore holes into mine, but the emotion I saw in them wasn’t anger. I wondered what he was thinking. Just then his lip quirked upward. I could have sworn he…

  Oh my god. I think that was an actual smile.

  I ripped my eyes away from Ryder’s gaze and turned toward the faces at my table. “Guys,” I hissed, “I think Ryder smiled at me.”

  Fletcher shook his head, whispering, “I think you’re seeing things. Ryder doesn’t smile at anyone.”