Sweet Sound of Silence

by Melanie Dawn

  Wide-eyed, I replied, “No, I really think he smiled at me.”

  Fletcher looked over my shoulder, and I peeked too. Ryder was looking down at his tray, his eyebrows knitted, deep in thought.

  “Nah, girl. You imagined it,” Fletcher said, tossing a wadded up napkin at me.

  I shrugged. That was a smile. An honest-to-God smile.

  Dane leaned back in his chair. “You girls wanna head to Marz later?”

  Gia cocked an eyebrow. “Marz?”

  Dane nodded, folding his arms across his chest. “Yeah, it’s the hottest dance club in town. Three rooms, live deejays, the works. We’ll probably meet up there around eleven.”

  We considered the offer, knowing Brynlee would want to come too. “Sure,” we both said simultaneously. I grabbed my phone and texted Brynlee to ask her. She immediately responded with, That would be a big fat YES.

  So it was planned. Gia and I headed back to the dorm to get ready for a fun night of dancing.

  “You really think Ryder smiled at you? Was it a nice smile? Or a creepy smile?” Gia looked concerned.

  I shook my head. “It wasn’t creepy, per se. I can’t explain it.” I certainly couldn’t explain the fact that I’d thrown myself at him like a desperate maniac, and he’d brushed me off like a bug on a windshield. What a fool I am! I was hurt. Hurt, angry, and everything in between. I’d kissed Ryder in an attempt to feel something. To feel wanted. To feel whole. And when it had backfired and I’d come to my senses, all I felt was… stupid.

  Gia sighed. “I still think you need to stay away from him, Alexis. You heard Brynlee. He looks dangerous. He sat there all alone at that table, staring you down like a psycho.”

  “He’s my partner in Psych 10. I don’t think he’s a psycho.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Whatever. If he breaks out the lotion, you better run.”

  I giggled at her reference, thinking back to one of my favorite psycho-thriller movies. As I scuffed my feet on the sidewalk while we walked, I insisted, “I really don’t think he’s crazy like that.”

  Gia didn’t say anything else about it, but I knew she was still thinking it. “Hey, can I borrow your black skirt?” she asked instead.

  I nodded. “Yeah, I was thinking about wearing my royal blue halter dress.”

  “Oh, I love that dress on you. It really brings out your eyes.”

  When we finally got back to the room, I texted Brynlee while Gia grabbed a shower. Since Brynlee lived in the dorm next to us, she planned to meet us at our room so we could walk together to Marz. I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I couldn’t get those blue eyes and that tiny tug of a smile out of my head. Some small part of me hoped he’d be at Marz. Maybe Fletcher had invited him tonight. Ugh. You’re crazy, Alexis. Just let it go. He made it obvious last night. He wants nothing to do with you.

  While I was consumed with my thoughts, my cell phone started to ring. I dug it out of my pocket and swiped the screen.

  Mom.

  She might’ve seen the tabloids.

  Be cool.

  I tried to hide any uneasiness in my voice. “Hey, Mom.”

  “Hey, honey.” The tone of her voice was familiar… soothing. God, I missed her.

  I felt the tears prick my eyes before I could blink them back. “Hey,” I said again, already choking on the lump that had formed in my throat.

  “Oh, baby,” she consoled me, obviously hearing the anguish in my voice. “What’s wrong?”

  She didn’t know. She hadn’t seen.

  Suddenly, the words fell out of me in a rush. “Ian broke up with me. And then I did something stupid. I kissed that guy, the one who doesn’t talk. And—”

  “Whoa,” my mom interrupted me. “You and Ian broke up? Are you okay? What happened?”

  I wiped a tear from my cheek with the back of my hand. Sniffling and catching my breath, I sighed, “I guess I’m okay. He just said he couldn’t do it anymore.”

  “Do what? A long distance relationship?”

  “Yeah, I guess the commitment was too much for him,” I explained, my lip trembling. “There were some pictures on the internet as proof.”

  Mom sighed. “Have you talked to him about it? Maybe it was just a misunderstand—”

  “It wasn’t,” I interrupted her. “He pretty much admitted it, Mom. He’s a jerk. I hate him.” I wasn’t so sure about the truth of that last part. My heart still ached over losing my best friend.

  “I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” she soothed. “I’m not making excuses for him, but I know Ian’s under a lot of pressure… with a taste of fame, the new single, the upcoming tour. It’s a lot for a young guy like Ian to handle. I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt you. He just cracked under the pressure. Trust me. I saw your stepfather crack a time or two. Don’t worry. I know you guys will work it out.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not so sure I want to.”

  She sighed. “Let me guess. The guy you kissed? The one who doesn’t talk?”

  Pursing my lips and glancing at the Starbucks cup that still sat on top of my desk, I said, “I don’t know.”

  “Just be careful, Alexis. Tread lightly. He’s probably still dealing with a lot emotionally, and I just don’t want to see you get hurt. Be a friend? Yes. A girlfriend? I’m not so sure.”

  “I’ll be okay, Mom. The kiss was a mistake. The guy doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.”

  “Did he tell you that?”

  “Well, no—”

  “I wouldn’t be so sure, then,” she quipped. “He may be more interested than you think.”

  “Maybe,” I said with a shrug.

  “Well, sweetheart, I guess I better let you go. Chris just walked in the door and I’ve got supper on the table.”

  “Okay, Mom. Love you.”

  “Love you too. Call me if you need me,” she cooed.

  “I will. Love you.” I hung up, feeling more emotionally mixed up than before her call. I just needed to go out to the club and forget this day.

  When Gia was finished, I grabbed a shower before one of our other suitemates could call it. I loved our dorm and was thankful I didn’t end up in the freshmen dorms. They had one bathroom for every six girls. At our dorm, there were more sophomores than freshmen, and there was one bathroom for every four girls. I hopped in, shampooed and shaved in record time.

  Gia cranked up the music. We sang and danced while we fixed our hair and put on our makeup. The freedom of college was exhilarating.

  Brynlee showed up right on time, wearing her favorite skin-tight, white strapless dress. “Wow,” she whistled, looking at me. “You look sexy.”

  I laughed. “Thanks, girl. Now let’s go get our dance on. Anything to forget about Ian,” I said, shaking my hips.

  Gia tugged at my short black skirt that I’d let her borrow. She was clearly uncomfortable in clubbing clothes. I grinned at her. “Don’t worry. Dane is gonna flip when he sees you.”

  Brynlee looked confused. “I thought you liked Brett?” she questioned Gia.

  I threw a sidelong glance at Gia, telling Brynlee, “She likes them all.”

  Brynlee nodded, knowingly. “Gotcha. Well, I claim Lance, just so you know.”

  “Well, Alexis claims Ryder,” Gia teased, poking my ribs with her pointy finger.

  “Gia!” My mouth fell open, just as Brynlee gasped. “I do not!”

  We all busted out laughing, but deep down I knew she was kinda right. And it made me nervous because if we were all being honest, he was a little unnerving.

  MARZ WAS BY far the coolest club ever. It was a huge club with three different rooms, playing three different types of music. There was a disco room, a top-40 room, and a dub-step room. Brynlee dragged us to the disco room first.

  “We need to slip into Travolta mode and get the Saturday night fever!” she squealed, pulling us both along by our arms.

  I groaned. My dad had tortured me as a child in the backseat of his Bronco with music from the seventies. He always told
me that he was helping me tap into my inner flower child. If I never heard another bubblegum beat in my life it would still be too soon.

  “Come on,” Brynlee urged, gripping my arm with excitement. “It will be fun!”

  The hopefulness in her voice kept me walking, and before I knew it, we were standing in the middle of the dance floor with the blocks of neon lights blinking beneath our feet. The music of my past seeped into my pores and I couldn’t help but bounce to the upbeat tempo. Before long, I was having a blast, completely in my element.

  “Isn’t this awesome?” Brynlee said, throwing her hands in the air the minute the Commodores reminded us how mighty, mighty we were.

  I shook my hips in response, looking around at all the hot guys on the dance floor. I really needed this night out to help me erase my painful break up with Ian and my humiliating faux pas with Ryder.

  Gia was already dancing with a tall blond guy beside us. He looked down at her through bloodshot eyes, clearly inebriated. She just smiled at me and shrugged, grinding her ass toward him to the beat of the music. What’s the harm in a little drunk hip-action? I just laughed at her and kept dancing in my own little world…

  …Until I caught sight of Ryder leaning against the bar. Did he follow me here? Did he want to see me? Maybe Fletcher had invited him after all. In the darkness I could feel his eyes on me. I looked at him, drink in hand, watching me through the throng of people. I debated walking up to him. But what would I say?

  Breaking my trance, Gia nudged me with her elbow. “Damn girl. I can see your fascination. Are you seeing what I’m seeing? Ryder is most definitely a ‘show-er.”

  I cocked my head, wondering what exactly Ryder was showing. “A show-er?”

  Gia smirked. “Yeah. You know… show-ers versus growers?”

  I had no idea what she was talking about. The look on my face must’ve made it obvious.

  She laughed. “Based on the size of that bulge, I’d say it took a lot to stuff himself into those jeans. And if I’m wrong—if he’s a grower—somebody’s gonna be hurtin’…” She looked pleased with her observation.

  I cracked up, laughing at the insanity of my sex-crazed roommate. “You are too much!” I cackled, ribbing her with my elbow.

  We continued to dance while I tried, at all costs, to avoid focusing on the obvious bulge of The Ryder Show.

  I KNEW WHEN that splash of blue breezed past me that she was here. I’d played a few rounds at Cagney’s and decided to hit up Marz after all. Fletcher had texted a few times to let me know they were here. He and his crew were in the dub-step room trying to keep up like the posers they were. I blew past the thump of that phony, electronic music and kept walking, straight back into the disco room.

  I leaned against the bar, watching the flashing neon lights bounce off the faces on the dance floor. Everyone smiling. Everyone happy. Every single person in the place laughing and dancing like fools.

  And there she was, bobbing and swaying to the beat while that same strand of hair kept flopping into her eyes. Every time, she’d tuck it back. She was laughing at her friend, who had her ass pushed against some dude who was unsteady on his feet behind her. Alexis threw her head back and cackled, continuing to shake her ass to the beat. The bare skin of her back, the curves of her shoulder blades, the way her hair cascaded down her back… the pulse of adrenaline I felt while taking it all in resonated deep down beneath the denim of my jeans. All I could think about was the way her hair felt tangled in my hands that night in my dorm room.

  I sipped my water, watching her body writhe and pulse to the beat. Each rippling movement of her hips settled in my cock. I felt like a voyeur watching her like that, but I couldn’t help it. The material of her dress clung to her skin as she tugged the hem of it down on her thighs. Long-ass, sexy legs tapered down into a set of five-inch heels. The slender muscles of her calves tightened as she wiggled her hips. I didn’t know how much more of this I could take. On one hand, I couldn’t get enough of her. I wanted to drink in the sight of her like a cold beer on a hot day. But the more she thrust her body on the dance floor, the stronger my sense of urgency became. The low boil in the pit of my stomach became too much to handle. I couldn’t help the thoughts that barreled through my mind, and it freaked me out.

  Before last night, I hadn’t kissed a girl since that time a group of us got drunk one weekend during my junior year of high school. I’d made out with some chick in my buddy’s hot tub.

  The few dirty magazines I’d kept hidden under my mattress at home had sufficed until then, but nothing compared to the feeling I’d gotten when that girl had pressed her warm body against me that night.

  I couldn’t help but imagine what Alexis’s damp, writhing body would feel like against me as she smiled that coy smile. Like the one she was giving to me now. Oh shit! An immediate throb in my pants jarred me to my senses.

  Her eyes were soft and inviting. Her lips curled into a warm smile that melted me like sugary frosting on a hot cinnamon roll, but the hunger I felt wasn’t for food.

  I gotta get out of here. I slammed my water onto the bar and spun around to leave, reaching down to readjust myself on my way out the door.

  I jogged all the way back to my dorm, hoping to burn off some steam. But, the closer I got to my room the harder it was for me to concentrate on anything but her. The way that dress hugged every curve. The way the halter top accentuated her cleavage. The way she bit her lip when one of her friends whispered something into her ear. That mental picture was enough to cause a pulse down below that demanded attention.

  Get her out of your head, Hawkley.

  But, the minute I slammed the door to my room, her smiling face popped into my head. I leaned against the door, throwing my head back. I took a few deep, cleansing breaths, trying to clear my mind. I ripped the beanie off my head and threw it against my bed, then raked my fingers through my hair.

  What the hell is wrong with you, Hawkley? Get a grip.

  I tore my shirt off, and tossed it onto my desk chair. Standing there, heaving from hoofing it across campus, I stared at myself in the mirror.

  Push-ups. That’s what I needed. Get her outta your system with four sets of push-ups.

  I threw myself down on the floor, pumping my arms with an urgency I hadn’t felt in a while, trying to delete the mental picture of her in my head. But it was no use. The harder I thrust myself up and down, the faster my breaths pushed in and out. Both of those acts alone reminded me of what I could be doing with her in my bed. Shit.

  I stood up. I needed a shower. I needed a fresh start. Maybe the water would wash away the memory of her on that dance floor in that sexy-as-hell blue dress.

  I stepped out of my jeans and threw them on the same chair as my shirt. Peeling my boxers off, I released my aching hard-on from its binding position. I grabbed a fresh towel, and opened the bathroom door of our suite, locking the door so no one could enter from the other side.

  Standing under the water, I let the heat of it slide down my body. I leaned my hands against the cool wall of the shower, letting the spray of water cascade down my back. Closing my eyes, I tried to picture anything but her. Anything. But. Her. No use. The throbbing heat down below kept me from being able to concentrate on anything else. Fuck.

  I grabbed my soap and lathered up, trying to ignore my raging erection. But the minute my hand brushed against it, I knew I couldn’t will it away. There would only be one way to get rid of it, and right now that way was all I could think about.

  Sliding my hand up and over it once, I teased the ridge with the edge of my fingers. The gratifying pulse it gave me in return persuaded me to do it again. I didn’t deserve to feel this good, but I couldn’t help myself. It was the first time I’d allowed myself this kind of pleasure in nearly two years. I remembered the first time I’d accidentally discovered what masturbation was in the quiet privacy of my bedroom back home.

  I would never forget the first time I felt the explosion of euphoria by my own hand. I wa
s surfing the internet when a pop-up ad caught my attention. Curiosity made me click on it even though I knew it was probably wrong. Photo after photo of naked women plastered my screen. The feeling that welled up inside me was impossible to ignore, and the tent my boner popped in my shorts wouldn’t go away. I’d reached a hand down and squeezed it, thinking I could make it go away. But the tighter I’d squeezed, the better it felt and before I knew it I’d jizzed all over my underwear. The feeling of it took my breath away, but I knew immediately that I’d wanted to try it again. So I did. That night. And pretty much every night after that until the day of Chloe’s accident.

  Ever since that day I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy anything like that again. Until tonight. When a set of blue eyes, a sexy body, and a sweet smile burned a hole in my heart and found its way to the pit of my stomach.

  I rocked against the pressure of my hand. It felt so amazing, but I knew I shouldn’t let myself feel like this. I needed to stop. I tried to pull my hand away, but I just couldn’t. Heat spread throughout my body, the trembling deep within felt so, so good. I slid my hand back and forth, faster now, as my breath hung in the back of my throat. The wave of pleasure was just about to crest. Fuck yeah. I clenched my jaw, working myself like a greedy, pleasure-seeking fiend. The moment my fingers brushed over the sensitive ridge the final time, I felt it—that strong, quaking pulse of release. The one I’d been stroking so diligently for. The one that sent me over the edge into oblivion.

  I leaned against the cool wall of the shower, letting the waves of euphoria sweep through me. But before the sensation was even over, I was reprimanding myself.

  You selfish bastard.

  I quickly cleaned myself up and let the water rinse the remnants of my self-indulgent act down the drain.

  I twisted the knobs of the shower with such force that I worried I might break one off. Stepping out of the tub, I threw my towel around me, unlocked the door, and stalked out. Grabbing a fresh set of boxer briefs out of the top drawer, I slid them on and fell into my bed, heaving with resentfulness and remorse. I wasn’t sure how to feel, but I knew I felt guilty… and angry… and yet, somewhat deeply satisfied.