Sweet Sound of Silence

by Melanie Dawn

  “I’ll go,” Ian said softly.

  I nodded. It was the best I could do.

  Ian gently patted my shoulder, taking a staggering breath. “Thank you for not hating me,” he said. “You said exactly what I needed to hear.” He glanced toward the elevator. “He’s a lucky guy. I hope he realizes that before it’s too late, unlike me.”

  I glanced up at him as he pinned me down with his gaze. Ian shook his head sorrowfully and said, “I loved you. There was never a doubt of that. I just slipped into dumbass mode and screwed it all up.”

  I pursed my lips, clamping down on the smile that he inevitably caused. No matter if I was sad or angry, Ian was always able to say something that made me grin.

  “There’s that smile I always loved,” he said warmly. Brushing a tear off my cheek and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, he kissed my forehead. “Take care, Alexis. You deserve all the happiness life has to offer. And remember… you’ll always have a friend in me.”

  With that final remark, he stood up, turned on his heel and walked to end of the hallway to head down the stairs. Just before letting the door close behind him, he looked back at me—a longing glance that nearly sent me into a fit of tears. The sentimental side of me wanted to call him back, but I knew I needed to let him go. After all, Ryder still held my heart.

  As soon as Ian was out of sight, I scrambled for my phone to text Ryder.

  I need to talk to you. A chance to explain. Please.

  I wanted to run after him, but I was scared. What if he shut me down? What if he refused to hear me out? What, then? Besides, the enraged look on his face as he glared at me just before the doors closed, just dared me to follow him. I decided that I would wait. Maybe he would come back and get things straight. All I could do was hope.

  I lay on my bed for a while, praying a miracle would happen, and Ryder would knock on my door. But he didn’t.

  I DON’T KNOW why I’d chosen to walk away that day. I just needed time to think—time to process what I saw. So what did I expect? That she’d wait forever for me to be the type of man she deserved? Was I even capable of loving her the way she needed to be loved? Could I possibly allow her to love all of me, including the parts of myself that I hated?

  Besides all of that, I’d let her down. I hadn’t been there when she’d needed me, and I just couldn’t bear the thought of hurting her again. I’d already put her through enough.

  During the past few days, I hadn’t seen Alexis at all. She’d skipped the last two Psych 10 classes. I hadn’t even seen her on campus or in the cafeteria. Thanksgiving break was almost upon us. Hell, maybe she’d already left. But if she hadn’t left campus yet, I knew I couldn’t let her drive away without me knowing that she was okay. I just needed to see her. I’d already spent far too many days and nights away from her. Her absence from my bed at night had already sent my night terrors and panic attacks into a tailspin.

  One afternoon, I was keeping myself busy by organizing my desk drawers for the third time that day. Finishing the top drawer, I shoved it closed. I reached for the bottom drawer, but it didn’t open easily. I had to jimmy it a little. With added force, it popped open causing the whole desk to wobble. Before I knew it, a tiny stuffed elephant fell into my lap from the top shelf. I stared down at it then glanced toward the heavens.

  I take this as a sign, Peanut?

  Fear or no, I had to fight it. I had to see Alexis. I needed to stop being such a damn coward and go to her. I knew I must try to make things right, so I planned to stop by her dorm that night and confront her. But for now, there was only one person in the world I wanted to see—the one who’d been my rock through it all. She would help me find the strength to face Alexis.

  “HEY, BABY,” NONA G. cooed as I walked into her room.

  I grabbed a stool and slid it up to the side of her bed, happy to see how much more she’d improved since the last time I’d seen her.

  She reached for me with a shaky hand. “I’m still trying to get my strength back,” she said.

  Grabbing her hand, I held it up and kissed the top of it.

  She smiled, flashing me a playful expression. “Such a gentleman. To what do I owe this great honor, kind sir? Why, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think the walls of your heart had been breached by a young lady.”

  I pursed my lips, realizing how much Alexis had changed me in such a short amount of time.

  Nona G. threw her head back against the pillow. “Ahhh, so it is,” she sighed, squeezing my hand. “And who might this young lady be? Someone I know, perhaps?”

  The look on my face must’ve given it away because Nona G. gasped, “It is, isn’t it?”

  I looked away, readjusting the beanie on my head. A tingling swept up the back of my neck.

  Nona G. grinned. “No need to be embarrassed, dear. You have no idea how happy this makes me. It’s only a matter of time that you’ll find your voice again.”

  Looking around the room, avoiding the eagerness in Nona G.’s eyes, my gaze landed on a book lying on her bedside table. I immediately recognized it. It was the same book Alexis had had in her hand as she’d stormed out of this room the day she met my parents.

  My heart surged. I released Nona G.’s hand, and touched the front cover of the book as if stroking it somehow brought me closer to Alexis. Oh god, how I’d missed her.

  I didn’t realize how lost in thought I was until Nona G. cleared her throat. Startled, I jerked my hand away, trying to look indifferent.

  Nona G.’s lips parted. A hand flew up to her chest as she gasped. “Alexis?” The word escaped her mouth in a yelp.

  Suddenly, Nona G.’s bark of laughter echoed through the room as she realized the truth. “Oh, honey,” she said, grinning from ear to ear, “What wonderful news!”

  Her eyes danced, giddy with excitement. “Nothing makes me happier than to see my only grandson falling for one of the sweetest young ladies I’ve ever met. She told me she was leaving for home today. Have you had an opportunity to tell her goodbye?”

  I grimaced, rubbing the back of my neck. I could only hope that I still had a chance.

  “Oh no,” Nona G. shook her head with a pained expression. “Something’s wrong…”

  I sighed, wishing I could explain everything. I wanted to, but the moment I opened my mouth to speak I could feel the panic welling in my chest.

  Nona G. reached out to me, patting me on the arm. “If anyone can help you find your words, Alexis can. Such a sweet girl.” Her expression grew serious. “I don’t have much more time, but knowing that my precious Ryder may have found the right girl makes my days left here on earth that much sweeter.”

  Leaning her head back against the pillow, she seemed relaxed. She closed her eyes, but a satisfied grin was still plastered on her face.

  I stood there, watching her. Several seconds had passed when she peeked at me through one half-opened eye.

  “Well,” she huffed, “what are you still standing here for?” She pointed a determined, wrinkled finger toward the door. “Go to her. Fix it before it’s too late.”

  I didn’t hesitate. Leaning down, I pressed a soft kiss to Nona G.’s forehead.

  “I love you, child,” she whispered. “The words are there. Let love be enough to help you find them.”

  ALEXIS WAS PACKING her car, ready to leave when I got to the parking lot of her dorm. I watched her shove the last suitcase into the trunk of her car and slam the lid shut. She checked her phone and glanced toward her dorm one last time. Rummaging around in her purse, she pulled out the keys to her car. Just as she was about to slump down into the driver’s seat, she caught a glimpse of me.

  She gasped, her mouth falling open. I took a step toward her car just as she sagged against the back door of it.

  “Ryder?” she said softly, reaching her fingers up to touch her parted lips. “Oh my god. Ryder…”

  I continued walking toward her, unsure of how she’d respond. I didn’t know if she’d charge at me, pounding angr
y fists into my chest or if she’d weep sorrowful tears, insisting that I leave her alone. She did neither.

  She stood there silently, watching me. A slow smile crept across her face.

  Still several yards away, I reached out to her. She ran at me, barreling into my arms with a sigh of relief. I pulled her toward me, cradling her head against my chest.

  “I wasn’t sure I’d get the chance to say goodbye,” she mumbled against my shirt. “I wanted to, but you didn’t give me a chance to explain. I wasn’t sure if you’d—”

  I shook my head. No need for apologies or explanations. We’re here now—together. That’s all I need.

  “I let him go,” she whispered. “I want you, but—”

  I smiled, cutting her off by silencing her with a finger to her lips. And I want you, Alexis Honeycutt. I removed my finger, leaned down, and gently pressed my lips to hers.

  She stared up at me, eyes wide. “No,” she said, pulling away from me. “I can’t do this anymore, Ryder. No more silence, okay? I have to be able to talk to you… and you to me. You have to try. For me.”

  Tears were already pooling in her eyes, her chin trembling as she spoke, “When I came here to college, I had no idea what to expect. I surely didn’t expect to meet you, and I certainly didn’t expect to fall in love with you. But I did… and I thought you loved me too. Then I realized that our love wasn’t enough to heal you.”

  I winced, remembering the look of disappointment on her face when she’d realized I spent two days in a drug-induced stupor.

  She bit her lip to keep it from quivering then released it. “You’re still on a long road to recovery. I understand that now.”

  I held onto her gaze, sending her a long, pained look. She was right. Every single bit right. I still had so far to go.

  She shook her head, as her shoulders drooped. “But, I can’t spend any more time wondering. I need to know what you’re thinking… what you’re feeling.” The first silent tear slid down her cheek. “I can’t fix it, Ryder. You have to help me. Please… say something.” Her breath caught as a sob escaped her. She quickly drew another breath, wiping her tear-streaked cheek with the back of her hand.

  I rubbed my hands over my face, angry with myself that I couldn’t force the words out, try as I might.

  “PLEASE,” I PLEADED with him. “Please, say something. Say anything. I need to know how you feel. I need to know what this is. What I mean to you.”

  His chest rose and fell quickly. The words were there. I could feel them, but they weren’t coming out. He stared at me, silently pleading for me to understand. I did understand. I knew the hell he’d been through, but if we were going to work then he had to break down those barriers. I couldn’t bear the thought of him allowing himself to suffocate under the weight of his silence anymore.

  “Please, Ryder,” I begged. “Just say it. Say what you’re thinking.”

  His eyes darted back and forth between my eyes and my lips. A kiss was not going to fix this. He knew that. He knew I needed more than that. I needed to hear him say it.

  I caught his gaze, peering into those dark windows to his soul. “I’m leaving, Ryder. This is it. I’m going home, and honestly after all of this, I’m not sure I can come back to the silence.”

  The hurt I saw in his expression almost made me lose my resolve, but I couldn’t falter. “Please say something. I can’t walk away not knowing how you feel.” The desperation in my voice scared me. More than anything, I needed him to say something at that moment. My breaths came hard and fast as I reached out to him, my final plea. “Please, Ryder. Do this. Do this for me.”

  He clasped the back of my neck, pulling me into his space. Leaning toward me, he touched his forehead to mine. I knew the words were there, resting on the tip of his tongue. Please, let him say something. Anything.

  He pursed his lips, a pained expression on his face. He wanted to. I know he did. He wanted to shout them from the rooftops, but he didn’t—couldn’t. I reached up, gently cupping his cheek in my hand and lightly stroking his stubbled skin. “I’m here, Ryder,” I whispered. “I’m right here.”

  We stood in silence for just another minute. I kept hanging onto the hope that he cared enough about me to fight his demons. When I finally realized that the words I needed to hear may never come, the tears that had been clinging to my lower lashes fell and slid down my cheeks.

  He pulled away, cupping the sides of my face and wiping the tears with his thumbs. I looked into his stormy irises that were plagued by his self-imposed punishment. Please let go, baby. Fight for me. But instead, he just watched me, too haunted by his own afflictions as tears welled up in his eyes.

  OH GOD, I wanted to. I wanted to say it. I wanted to scream it until I was out of breath. Why won’t the words come? Why can’t I let go of this anxiety and just tell her how I feel? I hated myself. I hated what I’d become. I hated that I’d hurt her so deeply, not being able to give her what she needed. I just wanted to be normal. To live a normal life where I could tell the girl that I care about how much she meant to me. But I wasn’t normal. I was a monster. A freak.

  She stood there, pleading with me to say something. I knew she was giving up on me. I could feel it. I had to say something or I might lose her forever. The words caught in the back of my throat. Instinctively, I swallowed them back, but they clung to the lump that had formed there. Tears threatened to fall, but I blinked them back.

  Please, Alexis. Don’t leave me. I’ll get the words out. I swear.

  They were there. They wanted to break free. I wanted them to break free. I needed her to hear what I had to say. But my mouth betrayed me, clamping my lips shut and refusing to allow them to slip out. Dammit.

  She gently shook her head. The words weren’t coming, and she knew it. Once again, my demons fought back and won. I tried, baby. I tried so hard. I’m sorry.

  She softly touched her lips to mine. I soaked in her taste, her smell, and the feel of her skin against me. In a flash, she pulled away, taking my heart with her.

  “Goodbye, Ryder,” she whispered, running her thumb down the length of my jaw. With that, she turned around and walked away.

  A phantom of sensation barely lingered on my skin where her lips had caressed mine. I reached up to touch my mouth, trying to trap it there, but it disappeared. Just as quickly as the sensation vanished, so was she. I can’t let her go. Speak, mouth. Work. Please! Before it’s too late. She’d almost reached her car. Suddenly the words I needed to say were there, hovering on the tip of my tongue. Words I hadn’t heard in almost two years. The same words that didn’t work for Chloe, but oh God, please let them work this time.

  “Don’t go… I love you,” I rasped, my voice barely a whisper.

  I hadn’t heard the sound of it in so long that it startled me. My instinct was to clamp my hand over my mouth as I looked up, praying she’d heard me, but she was already getting into her car. I know she didn’t hear me.

  It was too late.

  Four months later…

  “BUT, DADDY, I don’t want to go!” Zoe whined to Chris, pulling the straps of her swimsuit up onto her shoulders. “I don’t like swimming.”

  Chris smoothed her soft, brown curls. “But you want to learn how to swim before we go to the beach this summer, right?”

  Zoe’s wide eyes were filled with crocodile tears as she nodded, “But I’m scared.”

  Chris lifted her into his arms. “It’s okay to be scared, but you’ll be just fine. Your teacher will show you everything you need to know.”

  I walked up to them, ruffling Zoe’s hair. “Yeah, you’re gonna be fine. Once you learn, you can swim with me in the big pool this summer without your floaties.”

  She sniffled, trying to sound brave, “Okay, sissy.”

  “Atta girl,” Chris said, bouncing her on his hip. “You’ll be the best four-year-old swimmer out there.”

  Zoe smiled proudly. “Yeah,” she said, giving him a high five.

  Chris glanced toward Ian,
who was sitting on a stool in the kitchen, tuning his guitar. “We’ll be back in a little while, Ian. Then we can work on that new song, okay?”

  Ian nodded. “Sure. Sounds good.” Glancing at Zoe, he cheered, “Go get ‘em, tiger!” as he pumped his fist into the air.

  Zoe saluted, “Ten-four, good buddy!”

  Ian grinned at me. “Where does she get this stuff?”

  “I have no clue,” I chuckled. “See you later.”

  “Bye,” he sang, winking at us as he strummed a chord.

  Before long, we were headed to the local indoor pool facility for Zoe’s swimming lessons. Mom had planned a beach trip for June. She’d wanted to be sure Zoe learned to swim before we left, so she’d hired a private instructor to teach her. This was the fourth day of lessons. Zoe was getting so close to conquering her fear of the water and could even dog paddle a little on her own, if necessary.

  Four months had passed since I’d walked away and left my heart sitting at Ryder’s feet that night. I’d tried earnestly to erase the painful memories of that night. It was already Spring Break, and I couldn’t believe my freshman year was almost over.

  So much had happened in just a few short months. I was relieved the day the university police hauled Tim Benson off to jail. He’d been caught hacking into the computers of a few of the sorority sisters of Zeta Theta Alpha. Investigators found private video footage of them on his computer that had been filmed using their laptop cameras. Thank goodness justice was served. When he gets out of prison, he will be banned from stepping foot on campus. From the last time I’d seen him at the party until the day I’d heard the news, I couldn’t walk around campus without peeking over my shoulder and looking for that damn tan backpack. I was so ready for summer break. In just a couple more months, I knew I’d be lounging on a beach chair, getting a suntan without a single care in the world.

  Chris and I sat on chairs near the edge of the pool while Zoe dangled her feet in the water. “But it’s cold,” she whined.