Losing Me Finding You

by Natalie Ward

  “Yeah,” I say to my brother as I reach out and take Ben’s hand. “I know it should have happened earlier.”

  Nick watches us. He’s fidgety though, almost as though he’s nervous about something. “Yeah, it should have,” he says and I catch the tone that tells me he’s hurt it hasn’t.

  I give my brother a half smile of apology. “I know,” I say. “And I’m sorry, Nick, really.”

  “To be fair,” Ben says, squeezing my fingers. “I haven’t exactly been able to get around much.”

  “Ben broke his back in a fall,” I say to my brother. “He’s been in rehab for the past eight months or so. So you know, I’ve been pretty busy looking after him and working and stuff.”

  “Shit, Evie, why didn’t you just say,” Nick says, his eyes softening. He turns to Ben. “I’m sorry to hear about that,” he says.

  Ben shrugs as if it’s no big deal. “Thanks, it’s fine. Couple more months and I’ll be good as new,” he says, pulling me off the coffee table and into his lap.

  I lean over and press a quick kiss to his cheek before turning to look at my brother again. He’s watching us, his head cocked to the side as though he’s trying to work something out. But in his eyes I see something else, a sadness that I know is my fault. As he seems to consider us, my heart pounds in my chest, as I wait for the inevitable question I know is coming.

  But he surprises me when he says, “Evie, there’s… Well there’s something I need to tell you.”

  Ben’s fingers tighten in mine as I sit up straighter. “What? What’s wrong?” I ask.

  “It’s Mum and Dad,” Nick says, taking a deep breath as he leans forward, his hands clasped together between his legs. He looks so nervous, almost anxious about whatever it is he needs to tell me.

  “What about them?” I ask, a tiny spike of fear running through me.

  “They’ve been in a car accident, Evie,” he says, running a shaking hand through his hair, his voice catching on the words. “They…they didn’t make it.”

  I stare back at my brother, at a man I’ve grown close to over the last year, and who I instinctively love and trust. I can’t believe he sat here while Ben and I talked about what happened to him and all the while he was here to tell me this. He looks destroyed, utterly devastated right now.

  “Oh god,” I whisper, not knowing what else I can possibly say as I reach out and take Nick’s hand in mine. He looks so sad, and even though I don’t really know our parents, I can certainly understand the feeling of loss, or mourning what you no longer have.

  He smiles sadly at me, before he continues, “It was very quick apparently,” he says. “They were driving up to Wales to visit Dad’s sister. A lorry driver fell asleep and crossed to the wrong side of the road. I don’t think they ever…” he trails off and wish I could somehow make this better for him, even though I don’t feel what he’s feeling right now.

  I don’t mean to be unsympathetic about what’s happened, but it’s just so… different for me. I might understand sadness and I definitely know what grief and losing someone you love feels like. But it’s hard for me to really mourn the loss of these parents, because I’ve never really known them. They didn’t live in London and since I woke up in this life, I’ve never even seen them.

  Now that I’m getting older, I don’t always know the family I’m given. Whatever new friends or family I do have, I try to get to know, Nick is the perfect example of that. But things change when I finally find Ben. It’s hard enough trying to work out the intricacies of a life I don’t really understand and I guess I don’t quite know how to explain the story of Ben and me when I find him again.

  Because, what can I say to the parents or brother who I’ve supposedly known my whole life, that Ben and I met as kids? To them it doesn’t make any sense. With Ben’s parents, it’s different. They don’t know about my disappearing, but they never forget I exist. And even though we haven’t really explained the four years I was away, I know when I come back each time they still remember me.

  “You okay?” Ben asks softly, bringing my free hand to his lips where he presses a kiss to my palm.

  I shrug. “I don’t know,” I say, turning back to Nick. “Are you okay?”

  He shrugs as though he isn’t sure of the answer either. I hop off Ben’s lap and move to sit beside my brother, my arm wrapping around his shoulders as he says, “It’s just not something I was ever expecting to happen. I mean I know they’re our parents and they were getting on, but you know…”

  “I’m so sorry, Nick,” I say, squeezing my arm around him. “I, I don’t know what to say.”

  Nick kisses the top of my head before saying, “Neither do I.”

  “Is there anything you need?” I ask. “Anything I can do?”

  Nick takes a deep breath. “Well, we do need to make arrangements for the funeral. And we’re eventually going to have to sort all of their stuff, sell the house, I guess.”

  It seems strange to be talking about this. Not just because I have no idea what the house even looks like, but because it’s so soon after everything’s just happened. It seems wrong almost, but maybe it’s just Nick’s way of coping with things.

  “What do you need me to do?” I ask, wanting more than anything to make this easier for him.

  Nick looks at me for a minute before turning to look at Ben. I watch as he takes in his cane, the weights and treadmill, our tiny cramped apartment. He finally looks back and me and smiles. “I can take care of it, Evie,” he says. “I think you’ve already got your hands full.”

  “Nick,” I say, squeezing his shoulder as I quickly glance at Ben. I know he’ll understand and honestly, this is something I really want to do for my brother. “Let me help you, I want to help.”

  Nick nudges my shoulder with his. “Well, if you’re happy for me to sort the house and things, maybe you can organise the funeral details then?” he asks.

  I nod. “Whatever you need me to do, just let me know.”

  Nick nods. “There’ll be paperwork to sign later on,” he says. “And I’ll let you know what we can sell and what we need to go through before I chuck anything out.”

  “It’s okay, Nick,” I tell him. “I trust you to decide. You keep whatever you like, I don’t need any of it.”

  Nick pulls back and looks at me. “No, Evie, half of it’s yours.”

  I’m shaking my head before he even finishes speaking. I can’t even believe we’re talking about this. I might not know these people, but still, it feels far too soon to be discussing splitting their assets. And besides, I don’t need anything from them, I already have the one thing I need sitting opposite me.

  “Don’t argue with me, Evie,” Nick says, smiling so I know he’s teasing me. “Just accept I’m right on this one.”

  I hear Ben chuckle on the couch across from us and when I glance at him, he raises an eyebrow as if to say see, I’m not the only one. I shake my head at him before turning back to my brother. He smiles at me now and presses another kiss to the top of my head.

  “I’m so sorry, Nick,” I whisper.

  “I know, sis, me too,” he says. “It was a shock, that’s for sure.”

  We sit in silence for a few minutes as I try and work out what else I can possibly say. My arm is still wrapped around Nick’s shoulders, as Ben sits on the opposite couch just giving us space. Eventually Nick lets out a deep breath before glancing at him.

  “So how’d you two actually meet?” he asks, changing the subject as though he doesn’t want to talk about why he’s really here anymore.

  My heart pounds as I watch my brother turn his gaze back to me before I look at Ben. This was inevitable really, it happened with Sarah and I’m sure it’s going to happen again in the future. I’m not really sure what to say, Ben’s always been so much better at this part.

  “Kind of by chance,” Ben finally says, his eyes never leaving mine. I smile back at him, my arm sliding off my brother’s shoulders.

  “By chance?” Nick says.


  “Yeah,” I whisper, when what I really hope is that Ben’s explanation is enough. I hope Nick can let it go and just accept that we are together. I’ve never really had two lives collide so literally like this.

  Parents in the past were always much easier to deal with because they didn’t seem to worry so much about friends who came and went. To them, Ben was just a new friend, or a new boyfriend maybe. To me, he’s always been the one person I was looking for, but with Nick, it’s different. He’s my brother, we’ve supposedly known each other for twenty-five years and as far as he knew, I didn’t have a boyfriend until I ran off a week after my twenty-fourth birthday and suddenly found one.

  “Huh,” he eventually says, smiling at both of us. “Well, I’m just glad to see you happy, Evie.”

  I exhale with a smile. “I’m very happy, Nick.”

  Nick nods once and leans in to kiss my cheek. “Well, I’ll leave you guys to it. We still on for lunch tomorrow?” he asks.

  “Of course we are,” I say. “Will you come here instead?” I ask, flicking a glance at Ben. “Have lunch with both of us?”

  Nick smiles as he understands this is my way of apologising for taking so long to introduce them. “Of course I will.”

  I smile and we all stand. I pull my brother in for a tight hug, telling him again how sorry I am about what happened.

  Nick squeezes me once before he lets go and reaches over to shake Ben’s hand again. “It was nice to finally meet you,” he says. “Thank you for taking care of her, for making my sister so happy.”

  Ben smiles, his eyes on me as he says, “It’s easy, I love her.”

  My heart melts at his words as I stare back at the man who makes everything worthwhile.

  “So, I’ll see you both tomorrow?” Nick asks, glancing at both of us.

  “Yeah,” Ben says. “And Nick, I’m really sorry to hear about your parents.”

  Nick nods once, before giving me another kiss on the cheek and then he’s gone.

  “You okay?” Ben asks, pulling me back down onto the couch.

  I exhale, trying to work out what I’m feeling. “I really don’t know,” I say truthfully. “That was kind of surreal.” Ben smiles and I know it was probably just as weird for him too. “I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to feel about all this, I mean I never really knew them.”

  “I know, babe,” Ben says threading his fingers through mine. “It’s always going to be different for you and me. I might not live it, but I do see what you go through each time. But each of your families, they don’t understand what really goes on. It’s different for them.”

  I exhale in a rush. “I know,” I whisper. “It’s hard for me to imagine what it’s like for everyone else. I mean, in every life, all I want to do is find you. Sometimes I forget that while I’m in this life, there are others who are a part of it too.”

  “There are,” he says, his thumb stroking my cheek. “And it’s usually a family who loves you, parents who loved you, baby.”

  “Yeah, I guess,” I murmur, my head falling onto Ben’s shoulder.

  “Your brother seems really nice,” he says as he wraps an arm around me and I sink into him.

  Even though we’ve been back together for a year now, this never gets old. Because even though I am constantly changing, or my families come and go, Ben is the one thing that never does. He is every cliché under the sun; my rock, my anchor, my soul mate, my everything.

  I wouldn’t have anything if I didn’t have Ben, because every four years I’d wake up in a life I assumed was my own and I’d live it for four years until I disappeared again and woke up in another. But with Ben, I have everything that keeps me who I am.

  “Yeah he is, I liked him from the start,” I say. “Trusted him.”

  “You should keep him in your life, Evie,” he says. “Don’t shut him out because of me and don’t be afraid of introducing us just because some things are hard to explain.”

  I lift my head, my eyes roaming over Ben’s face. “You’re what’s most important to me, Ben,” I tell him. “And Nick won’t be around forever, you know that.”

  “I know, babe,” Ben says, smiling at me. “But he’s your brother, and to him, you’ve always been his sister. Spend time with him while you can, he seems like a great guy.”

  I nod. “Okay,” I whisper, knowing Ben is right, Nick is a great guy.

  “And, you should take what he offers you,” he says, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

  “Isn’t it a bit weird,” I say. “Taking money from two people I barely knew, who aren’t really my parents.”

  I’ve never really been sure who my real parents were, the two people who brought me into this world and somehow cursed me and condemned me to lead this life. When I get my memories back, those first four years are always still a distant memory. Nothing more than flashes of crying, or being hungry, or of nothing much at all.

  I can’t remember them and I didn’t know them. I couldn’t tell you what they looked like, what their names were or what they did for a living. I guess in some ways, I’m lucky I survived everything that happened to me growing up. Or unlucky, depending on how you look at it.

  “But they are your parents, Evie,” Ben says softly.

  “Are they really?” I ask, a note of bitterness in my voice as I think back to the one or two occasions I actually spoke to them on the phone. It’s not that they were bad people; it’s just that they never really seemed that interested in me. It was the same for Nick too, which made it a little easier to take I guess, but I’m still not sure how I feel about accepting anything like this.

  “Babe,” Ben says. “We’ve talked about this, you know how it works. These people, David and Joanne Jackson, they are your parents. In this life, they are the two people who loved you and raised you, who knew you…”

  “Yeah, but…”

  “No, hang on a sec,” Ben says, not letting me speak. “These two people loved you, and for all intents and purposes, knew you as their daughter. In their mind, they’ve known that since the day you were born, Evie,” he says, ignoring the fact I’m shaking my head in disagreement. “You know that’s how it works, baby,” he says, his voice soft.

  “I just can’t, Ben,” I say, not really knowing how I’m supposed to deal with this. I’ve never had to face the death of a parent and I’ve certainly never had to deal with inheriting something from people who I’ve never actually known.

  “Why?” he says quietly.

  I shrug. “I don’t know, it just feels kind of wrong, as though I’m taking advantage of them.”

  Ben pulls me into his lap now, even though he shouldn’t really be lifting this much weight yet. His hand smoothes the hair from my face as he wraps his other arm around my waist. “You’re not taking advantage of anything, Eva, you know that. I know it feels strange and I can’t pretend to understand it. But from everything we know about how this all works, you are to them, what I am to my parents. What our kids will be to us one day.”

  His words make my heart pound. He’d want to have kids with me?

  “You are their daughter and they loved you, Evie. They would have wanted this for you,” he says, his hand rubbing my back.

  I bury my face in his neck and inhale the scent that is Ben. A combination of warmth and smoke and wood, even now, that is both comforting and addictive. “You really think it’s that easy?” I ask.

  Ben pushes me back a little so I’m forced to look into his eyes. He leans in and presses a quick kiss to my lips before pulling back. “I really do. I think David and Joanne loved you as the daughter they always knew they had. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you accepting that.”

  I’m nodding before he’s even finished speaking. “Okay,” I say quietly.

  Ben smiles at me and I know he’s right. This is the right thing to do and really, I’d be stupid to say no to it. We sit in silence for a few minutes, as I try to process how I’m supposed to feel about all of this.

&nb
sp; This is probably the weirdest part about my curse, or whatever it is. Waking up in a life, having a family who has known me forever, but me only knowing them for as long as I’m around. It still doesn’t feel quite right, taking whatever it is that Nick gives me, but at the same time, Ben is right, it’s what Evie Jackson would be expected to do.

  And it would help solve one problem.

  I reach across Ben and grab the newspaper that sits on the table beside the couch. “Maybe we could use whatever I get from this to buy a flat?” I suggest, wondering how bad a daughter it makes me that I’m immediately thinking of this.

  “It’s your money, Evie, you can do whatever you like with it.” I lift my head and meet Ben’s eyes as I whack him across the shoulder before he’s even finished talking. “Hey!” he says. “What did I do?”

  “Suggesting it’s my money,” I say, poking him in the stomach now.

  “What?” Ben says, smiling as he pins my arms to my sides to stop me from tickling him. “It will be your money, Evie.”

  “Ben,” I say, suddenly serious. “It’s our money, okay? Our money and this is what I want to do with it. I want a home, for you and me,” I tell him. “Somewhere I’ll always have to come back to.”

  Ben smiles and pulls me in for kiss. “Well in that case, I think it’s a fantastic idea,” he breathes against my lips.

  I smile against his mouth, knowing that a home, a permanent home with Ben, is the only thing I’ve ever wanted.

  30th June 2002

  Twenty-six years old

  We ended up spending most of last year just getting Ben back on his feet and ready to go back to work. They were really good about giving him all the time he needs to get back to full health and covering the cost of his treatment and rehab. There was a small payout too, a workers compensation payment to cover Ben for his injuries. It wasn’t much, but we added it to the money I ended up inheriting and started looking for somewhere to live.

  Ben took a position at a new station in the end, the same place as Paul actually. I was glad that they would be working together and it meant we would be staying in London. I thought we might have moved back to Fleet, but Ben says it’s more exciting working in London and that he isn’t interested in rescuing cats in small towns. He wants to really help people, wants to do what he’s been trained to do, what he’s wanted to do since he watched his dad put on the uniform and go do it too.