Losing Me Finding You

by Natalie Ward

  In my mind, that all means more danger and more risk, but I don’t say that to Ben. I know this is the job he’s always wanted to have and despite what happened to him two years ago, I can never ask him to give it up. Not for me, not for anything.

  Plus staying in London also meant I got to keep my job at the London Library, which I love, and aside from the fact that Paul is here, there’s also my brother, Nick.

  After our parents died, I took Ben’s advice and made more of an effort to include Nick in our life. He’s a lot of fun and Ben gets on really well with him. It makes me sad to know that Nick won’t be around for much longer, but it’s been nice having him while I can. I really want to make the most of it.

  So in the end we settled on a flat in Vauxhall. It was a refurbished block and we managed to grab a place with three bedrooms, a kitchen, living room and a huge bathroom. In comparison to the tiny place we were in previously, it feels enormous, but more importantly, it feels like home. It’s near the station Ben works at, the area is safe enough that I can walk to see him whenever I want and best of all, Paul and his new wife, Julia, live nearby.

  The day we moved in, it was sunny and warm, unusual for that time of the year, but I took it as a good sign, that it was a good move for us. We moved what little furniture we had into the flat and created a home of our own. Ben and I also made the most of his return to full fitness, wasting no time breaking in as many rooms as we could while we were busy rediscovering each other and making up for lost time.

  We’ve been here for about eight months now and it’s been nothing short of perfect.

  “Still glad we did this?” Ben asks, his fingers gently stroking a path from my collarbone to my stomach. It’s late and we are lying in bed, after my brother and his new girlfriend, Tracy, have left.

  I grab his hand, smiling as he tickles me. “Yes, I am. Are you?”

  “Definitely,” Ben breathes against my neck, pressing kisses to my skin as he rolls on top of me. “We have a home, Evie. A home and a life together, that you can always come back to. Where I will always be waiting for you.”

  I open my eyes and find Ben staring down at me. “I know, and I love that,” I say quietly, my fingers pushing his crazy hair back from his face, only to watch it fall back immediately. “I just wish I never had to leave it in the first place.”

  “I know you do, baby,” Ben says, leaning down to kiss me. “I wish you didn’t either.”

  I get lost in Ben’s kisses, before a thought occurs to me. “What do you do when I’m gone?” I ask, my fingers digging into his back.

  “What?” he asks, his lips lifting off mine, as he rolls off me.

  “What do you do when I’m gone?” I repeat. “Last time, while you were waiting for me to remember you?”

  “I waited,” Ben says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

  “That’s it?” I ask.

  “Yeah,” he says shrugging. “I mean, I’ve tried to work out ways to find you, but I just never know where to start. It all seems so random.”

  “You’ve looked for me?” I ask, genuinely surprised. I never knew he’d done this before.

  “I have, especially last time when you were gone for so long,” Ben says. “But it never really worked out. It was like trying to find a specific needle, in a haystack of needles. And of course, Sarah failed to mention when you came to stay with her,” he adds on. I bite my lip, reaching for him as I start to apologise. Ben shakes his head at me and continues. “I’ve written down all of the places you’ve ever been though, everything I could about each of your lives, but none of it makes any real sense.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask, confused.

  “Patterns, Evie,” he says, his fingers tucking my hair behind my ear. “I was trying to look for patterns once, hoping I could work out where you were going to wake up next. But it never worked out like that. Or at least, it was never obvious to me anyway.”

  “Wow,” I say quietly, amazed at the lengths he went to, the things he actually thought of. “I never knew you did that.”

  Ben smiles at me now, and his face is so full of love, I can’t resist leaning up to kiss him. “I know. I never told you, because I never found you, no matter how hard I looked.”

  My heart skips a beat, knowing I didn’t help with that at all. “How come you never ask me what I do?” I ask, half wondering if he doesn’t because he thinks the worst.

  “I don’t know,” Ben says, his voice quieter now. “A part of me wants to know, but then a part of me doesn’t. You don’t know who I am, so I figure it’s not my business to know what it is you’re doing during that time…” He trails off and I can hear the sadness and resignation in his voice and I understand what he’s not saying.

  “You think the worst, don’t you?” I say, voicing both of our fears because it seems like now is the time to do it.

  “I try not to think about it at all, Evie,” Ben says, rolling all the way off me now so we are no longer touching.

  I lie here staring up at the ceiling, trying to imagine what it must be like to be in Ben’s shoes. Fucking awful is the first thing that springs to mind. Remembering everything but never knowing where the woman you love is, what she’s doing, or worse still, who she’s doing.

  But I need him to know the truth, no matter how much he might think he doesn’t need to know or want to hear it. I don’t want there to be any secrets or misunderstandings between us, not after what happened last time. I don’t think either of us can go through that again.

  I roll over onto my side, prop my head on my hand and look down at Ben. He’s lying on his back, hands tucked behind his head and staring up at the ceiling. I can only imagine the scenarios that are running through his head right now. With my hand, I reach out and gently brush the hair away from his face again and watch as he turns to look at me.

  “I’ve never been with anyone else, Ben,” I tell him, my eyes never leaving his. “Whatever you’re thinking right now, it’s never happened, I promise.”

  “Really?” he asks, and I can tell he’s surprised.

  “Yeah, really,” I say. “And I’m not going to let it happen either.”

  “No, I mean, you’ve really never been with anyone else?” he asks and I shake my head, my eyes still on his. Ben untucks one of his hands from behind his head and gently brushes his fingers across my cheek. “Not even the last time, when we went four years without seeing each other?”

  “No,” I whisper, even though I know I do need to confess some things from that time.

  Ben exhales with what sounds like relief and as I look down at his face, I see for the first time, all of the hurt he’s carried because of that period. All of the hurt he’s still carrying, but trying to hide from me. He was helpless and I wasn’t. I was the one who made the decision to stay away, knowing he didn’t stand a chance in hell of ever finding me.

  “I’m sorry, Ben,” I breathe out, knowing I will never be able to atone for this mistake. “I’m sorry I kept you waiting all that time. So sorry I always keep you waiting.”

  “I know you are, Evie,” he says, forgiving me like he always does. “I understand why it happened, sort of anyway. I mean don’t get me wrong, I hated it, but I kinda understand. That night was a mess, a fucking disaster and I know if I’d been in your shoes, I would’ve been just as pissed off about what you walked in on.”

  “Really?” I ask, surprised.

  “Yeah, really,” Ben says quietly. “I had a lot of time to think about it, Evie. Think about how you must have felt seeing that. How it would have looked from your perspective.”

  I smile down at him, trying to get him to smile back at me. “Yeah, but it doesn’t make it right, me staying away for so long,” I admit. “You deserved more than that, Ben. I was wrong to not let you know where I was or that I was okay. It was wrong to not let you explain things to me.”

  “I just felt so helpless, Evie. I couldn’t do anything to find you; it was all up to you and whether you want
ed to find me,” he whispers sadly. “And I knew that as long as you were hurting, you were never going to come back to me. But until I could explain it to you, you would always keep hurting,” he says. “It was such a fucked up mess.” He still hasn’t smiled at me and I can see the pain reflected back at me in his deep blue eyes.

  “It’s never going to happen again, Ben,” I say, wanting him to know that I mean it. “I promise, I will never jump to conclusions like I did that night, okay? I will always talk to you first instead of running off like that.”

  I watch as Ben finally smiles up at me, but it’s sad and doesn’t reach his eyes. “We always used to talk, Evie. I think that’s what hurt the most about that night, about the four years after it,” Ben says, the pain in his voice so obvious now. “I didn’t understand why you so easily pushed me away, why you refused to listen to me. We’d always talked about everything, baby, everything.”

  I exhale loudly, knowing I will carry this regret with me forever. I wish if there were ever one thing I could forget, it would be this, the hurt in Ben’s eyes back when I wouldn’t listen to him and the hurt in his eyes now as he finally tells me how he felt that night.

  “I know,” I whisper. “You have no idea how much I wish I could go back and change that night.”

  “Me too,” Ben says quietly. “I wish I could change so much more than just what happened at the end. I wish I could go back to the start of the night and do everything differently.”

  My fingers slowly push Ben’s hair from his face again, before tracing the line of his eyebrow and cheek as he looks back at me. I can see how much he means it, the regret and hurt is written all over his face.

  “She was baiting me, you know,” I tell him, knowing there are still things to talk about from that night. “Every chance she got. She was always talking about you, how much she wanted you, hinting at having already had you.”

  Ben catches my fingers as they trace down his cheek, over his jaw. Threading our fingers together, he brings our hands to his lips, where he presses a kiss to my knuckles; his eyes never leaving mine. “You know that’s not true, baby,” he whispers. “Nothing happened.”

  “Not that night,” I whisper, afraid of what came after, afraid of what I might have let happen by staying away.

  Four years is a long time and I kept him waiting for all of it. Almost half of it I knew about him too and I still didn’t contact him. I was stubborn and now I might pay the ultimate price.

  And the thing is, despite what Sarah said to me, I have every right to. After what I did to Ben, I have to fully expect he would forget about me, move on and find someone else. I can’t expect him to have waited for me; he’s not a monk, not even close. And even though I don’t really want to know what happened in those four years we were apart, I can imagine enough to realise that things must have happened with other women.

  It makes me feel sick to know that someone else has had Ben in the ways that I have. For so long, he was mine, only mine, and even though I know it’s inevitable, I hate the fact that I have had to share him.

  Ben smiles sadly back at me, and I know it’s going to take a while for him to let go of the hurt that I caused him. And I know I deserve that.

  “Evie,” he whispers, lowering our hands so they rest over his heart now. “Nothing happened, baby,” he says, his fingers gently stroking my wrist. “I’ve never been with anyone else,” he says in a way that causes me to stop breathing. “I wasn’t with her that night and I haven’t been with anyone else either.”

  Now Ben’s words make my heart stop. “What, the whole four years we were apart?” I ask, shocked.

  “The whole four years, baby,” Ben says quietly.

  Now it’s me who’s the surprised one. “Really?” I ask, my heart in my throat at just the possibility.

  “Really,” he says. “I mean I got asked out on dates and stuff, and sometimes I went along, but it never went any further. I couldn’t be with them, Evie. I couldn’t touch them and not think of you, couldn’t kiss them and not wish it were you. It was always you that I wanted, baby, that never changed. Has never changed. I just always hoped you’d realise, believe how I felt about you and find your way back to me.”

  “You waited all that time?” I ask, sitting up now, as I stare down at him, completely amazed. Our hands are still joined, resting on his chest and my other hand reaches out, grips his arm as I wait for his answer.

  “I did,” he says nodding. “I told you, baby, I will wait forever for you.”

  “Ben…” I whisper. “Why, I mean, how, why? I broke your heart…I was…”

  I can feel the tears falling down my cheeks now as I struggle to get the words out. See the look of sympathy on Ben’s face that I don’t deserve.

  He reaches out his hand, his thumb brushing away my tears as he says, “You might have broken my heart that night, Eva, but I wasn’t ready to let anyone else try and heal it. Not when it still belonged to you.”

  My own heart crashes against my rib cage as I crush my mouth to his, crawling up his body in a desperate attempt to get closer to him. “Ben… I’m so sorry, so…”

  Ben’s hands are on my cheeks now, gently lifting my head so I’m forced to meet his stare again. “I know you are, baby. I wish it had never happened and I know we both wish those four years had been different. But it’s done, okay. We can move past it, we have to. Just promise me you’ll always talk to me, Evie, always.”

  “I will,” I promise him.

  “Good,” Ben says, smiling up at me. He pulls me back down to him as he leans in to kiss me, but I have to ask him again.

  “Four years, really?” I say, amazed that Ben is still all mine. “How the hell did you last through that?” I ask, knowing that keeping active isn’t the only physical part about Ben that I love.

  Ben laughs. “I became very good friends with this guy,” he says, holding up his hand, which is still in mine.

  “Wow,” I say quietly. “I can’t believe you did that.”

  “Like I said,” Ben says, wrapping our joined hands around my waist now as he pulls me closer. “I just couldn’t, Evie. I couldn’t be with anyone else but you. It never felt right.”

  I nod at his words, knowing how similar it feels to all the months and years I spent apart from him, before I remembered he was a part of my life. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I was never with anyone, I really meant that, but I did sort of date someone,” I say. “Before I remembered you, I mean.”

  “You did?” he asks, his fingers tightening in mine.

  “Yeah,” I say, as I brush his hair back, trying to reassure him. “I did, but we never slept together, I promise. Nothing about being with him ever felt right. Even though I didn’t remember you or our life together, I would be out with Josh…” I stop as Ben flinches at the mention of his name. I smile sadly, leaning in to kiss him again, before continuing, “I would be out, and I always knew that something was wrong. I knew he wasn’t right for me, Ben. That he wasn’t who I was supposed to be with. That’s why I could never sleep with him.”

  Ben smiles at me like he believes me, like he understands completely. He pushes me back onto the bed and rolls on top of me. “That’s because you are meant to be with me, Evie.”

  “I am,” I answer smiling. “And there’s nowhere else I’d rather be, Ben,” I add on before the rest of my words are silenced with Ben’s lips on mine.

  13th April 2003

  Twenty-seven years old

  “Hey, baby,” Ben says as he walks in the front door. It’s a little after nine and he’s finally getting home from work. I have spent the day doing nothing, and by nothing I mean trying to work out what the hell I should be doing with this so-called book I’ve decided I’m going to try and write. Apparently memories of doing this before, together with working in a library, have planted the idea in my head that I should attempt to write my own book. I’m starting to wonder if it isn’t the dumbest idea I’ve ever had.

  “What’s happening?” he a
sks as he plants a kiss on the top of my head.

  “Nothing, trying to write…so nothing,” I say, hitting save on the latest draft before throwing my laptop onto the couch beside me.

  Ben walks to the opposite couch, sits down and starts unlacing his boots. “What’s wrong, something not working?” he asks, glancing up at me.

  I sit back on the couch, pulling both of my feet onto the cushion and resting my hands on my knees. “Nothing is, it never has been,” I say, exhaling loudly as my head falls back.

  “Why not?” he asks as I hear the thump of one boot hitting the floor.

  “Because I don’t have a plot,” I say, frustrated. “I have no fucking idea what to write about.”

  “I do,” Ben says simply, the sound of his other boot now hitting the floor.

  “You do?” I ask, lifting my head to look at him.

  “Yeah,” he says smiling as he pushes both of his boots to the end of the couch with his foot. This is where they will remain until he has to put them on to go back to work again, even if that day is sometime next week. Ben has a habit of leaving his things wherever he happens to take them off. Which, ever since we moved in together, can be pretty much anywhere in the flat. We’ve definitely been making up for lost time since we found each other again. Not just the time he spent recovering, but the four years before that. Now, we can barely keep our hands off each other and as a result, I’m regularly finding pieces of clothing all over the house.

  My eyes flick to the boots and then back to Ben’s face where he’s wearing a cheeky grin because he knows exactly what I’m thinking. I shake my head at him, unable to stop the smile myself. He might drive me crazy, but he drives me the good crazy too and that always wins out.

  “So,” I ask him. “What’s this idea of yours then, and please don’t tell me it’s going to be some sci-fi lesbian space odyssey again.”