Losing Me Finding You

by Natalie Ward

  My feet are scrambling for the floor but they never get there because the next thing I know, my back is pressed against the door and Ben’s mouth is pressed hard against mine. Sounds of the guys talking and laughing float down the corridor to us, but I’m not paying any attention to them now. All of my focus is on Ben. He’s kissing me hard and my mouth opens as I let him in, kiss him back with just as much intensity.

  “Ben…” I murmur. “Fuck…”

  I feel his smile against my mouth. “That’s exactly what I’m planning to do to you, baby,” he says, turning and walking us away from the door, me still wrapped around him.

  When we reach what I’m guessing is Ben’s cot, he finally puts me down. With his hands on my hips, he slides them up under my jumper and lifts it off my head in one quick movement.

  “Jesus, baby, how many layers are under here?” he asks, frustrated when he sees I’ve got two tank tops and a bra underneath.

  I laugh. “Frustrated much?”

  Ben growls, his fingers digging into my hips. “Mmm, try horny, Evie. Horny and desperate for you,” he whispers. “I want you so fucking bad right now.”

  I smile as I suck Ben’s bottom lip into my mouth. “Have me then,” I tell him, my hands undoing the belt and button on his trousers.

  “Eva…” Ben moans, undoing my jeans and yanking them, my underwear, and my boots all off at the same time. “Come here,” he says, hands on my hips as he drops to his knees in front of me.

  “Ben…” I whisper, but then I can’t say any more because Ben’s mouth is on me and he’s working his magic and my hand is over my mouth to stop myself from screaming and giving the rest of the guys a show they really don’t need to have. “Fuck, Ben…please…” I beg, not even sure what I’m asking him.

  “What?” he asks, impatient as he pulls back and looks up at me.

  I glance down at him; see him watching me with a look of amusement and frustration. Smiling, I slide my hand to the back of his head and pull him towards me again, back where he was only seconds ago.

  Ben’s mouth, his tongue, his lips, are magic. He’s magic he always has been. He’s just always had that way with me, and as I’m practically screaming out his name and not giving a shit who hears me, I think he’s always going to have that way with me.

  “Goddamn, Evie Foster,” Ben growls as he finally stands up. “You drive me fucking crazy, girl.”

  I’m smiling as I pull him in, kiss his lips and taste everything he was just doing to me. “I do, huh?” I ask.

  Ben’s arms wrap around my waist as he yanks me into his body. “You know you do, baby,” he says, his voice a low whisper in the dark.

  I can’t help but laugh, his words both a compliment and a turn on. “Want me see what else I can do for you?” I ask, my hands on his chest as I push him down to the bed.

  Ben’s face breaks into a huge smile as I drop to my knees and my hands go for his waist, sliding his already undone trousers all the way off. The groan Ben lets out when I start returning the favour makes me smile and when he slides his hand into my hair, his fingers gripping it tightly, I know I’m driving him really crazy now.

  “Come here,” he eventually growls, pulling me up his body. “I need to be inside you, Eva.”

  I moan as Ben’s hands slip under my tank tops and pull them off. My bra is next and then all of my clothes are in a pile on the floor and Ben is sitting up now with me across his hips. As his arms wrap around my waist, he turns and puts his feet on the floor before standing again. I feel my back hit the cool wall beside Ben’s bed and then his mouth is on mine, kissing me with an urgency that only comes on this night.

  Despite how close we are right now, connected in all the best ways, there is already a sense of loss. I’m afraid of what happens tonight at midnight. Afraid that four years ago was just a one-off, a fluke that won’t be repeated. And with that comes the fear I always have, buried deep inside me, that I’ll lose Ben. That somehow, I won’t be able to find him or remember him, or worse still, something will happen to him and I’ll never see him again.

  “Evie, where’d you go, baby,” he whispers, stopping his kisses as he pulls back a little. “Where’d you go?”

  I blink as I stare into deep blue eyes that look at me with nothing but love. “Sorry, I’m here, I’m always here,” I tell him, leaning in to kiss him again.

  His thumbs brush against my cheeks, as he stands pressed against me. “Bullshit. Talk to me, baby, what’s wrong?”

  I shake my head, not wanting to ruin this moment.

  “Eva,” he says, his voice firmer.

  I exhale, tightening my legs around his waist, as I brush the hair back from his face. “I’m going to disappear tonight.”

  Ben exhales, his warm breath caressing my skin. “We don’t know that,” he says quietly. “You stayed last time, maybe you’ll always stay now.”

  “I think it’s going to happen,” I breathe out frustrated, wishing I hadn’t said anything now. “But I don’t know, Ben. I just don’t know.”

  Ben’s fingers brush across my cheeks as he takes a deep breath. “Neither do I, baby,” he says leaning in to kiss me again. “But I do know that I love you, and if you do disappear, I will be here waiting for you.”

  I try to smile at him. “I know you will and I’ll find you.”

  “I know, baby. I know you will,” Ben says, pushing his hips against me. “We don’t know what’s going to happen,” he says, his voice quieter now. “But let’s not lose what little time we might have left, okay?”

  I’m nodding at him, wishing I could take all of my words back. Wishing I hadn’t said anything and we could go back to the moment we walked into this room and Ben started pulling my clothes off.

  “Do you want me to stop?” he asks, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively, as he ever so slowly slides out and then back into me.

  I groan and laugh at the same time, knowing he’s right. Whatever happens, there is nothing either of us can do about it. There is no way to stop it from happening, and Ben’s right, we have to make the most of every second we have together. Because come tomorrow, neither of us knows how long we’re going to have to wait before it happens again.

  “Evie?” Ben asks, pressing kisses against my neck.

  “Mmm,” I groan, my head falling back against the wall.

  “Tell me what you want, baby,” he murmurs into my skin.

  I tighten my legs at his words as my heart stops in my chest. There’s only one thing I want, there’s only ever been one thing. I unwrap my arms from Ben’s neck and press my thumbs against his jaw, forcing his face up so I can look him in the eyes. “I want you, Ben. I just want you. I don’t ever want to forget you.”

  I see the sadness flash across Ben’s face and I know, despite his bravado, he’s feeling it too. The last eight years have been amazing, so much has happened and as much as we might pretend that tonight isn’t going to happen or that I will find him again easily if it does, we both know, it just isn’t true. Nothing can predict how the next four years will pan out and the fear of this possibly being our last moment together is always there.

  For both of us.

  “Come here, Evie Foster,” Ben whispers, turning and walking us back to his cot. He lays me down on his bed, his playful mood gone now as he gently lays his body on top of mine. My legs wrap around his hips as he slowly pushes inside me again. Ben stills for a minute, just staring into my eyes as though he’s trying to memorise everything about me. I do the same, desperately trying to imprint a part of him on to my brain so that if I do disappear tonight, tomorrow I’ll remember him.

  “I love you,” he whispers, leaning in to kiss me. “I love you so much, Evie.”

  His words and the intensity with which he says them make me want to cry. But I don’t, I fight the tears, not wanting to ruin this last time between us. As Ben starts to move inside me, I push my head back into the pillow, my body arching up to his. I feel the touch of his tongue at the base of my throat and I
whimper as he slowly drags it up my neck.

  “Ben…” I whisper, my nails digging into his back now.

  My body is on fire as Ben continues to move inside me. He’s slow, gentle and deliberate, almost as if he’s making this moment last, not wanting it to end. I drag a foot up his leg, pulling him closer. Ben’s elbows are pressed into the pillow beside me and he’s kissing me constantly. His lips are hard on mine, not letting us stop, barely letting me breathe as he continues to push deeper inside me.

  I can feel the tension inside me building, magnified by the fear of what’s going to happen tonight, by the intensity of this moment.

  “Evie,” Ben whispers, his voice hoarse. “I’m so fucking close, baby.”

  “Don’t stop,” I breathe out, clinging to him as I pull him closer, deeper. “Please don’t stop.”

  Ben lets out a low groan as he throws back his head, his hips pushing into mine and causing all of my tension to release. I moan as it explodes through me, flowing rapidly throughout my body until even my fingertips are tingling.

  “Evie,” Ben breathes out as he collapses onto me now, his heavy weight pushing me into the bed. He slides his arms under my neck, wrapping me against him as he buries his face in my shoulder, his lips against my skin.

  I can feel his heart, hammering against mine, his body still coming down from the high we’ve both just experienced. I close my eyes, never wanting to leave this moment.

  “Maybe I’ll still be here,” I eventually whisper in the darkness, my lips pressed against Ben’s cheek. “Maybe tomorrow I’ll still be here…” It’s not a question, because I don’t dare ask or hope anymore and really, I can’t ignore what I know is coming.

  Ben rolls us over so we are face to face in his tiny cot. Our bodies are pressed against each other and there is barely an inch of space between us. His hand smoothes back my hair as he kisses me. “I hope so, baby,” he whispers back. “I really fucking hope so.”

  We lie in silence, watching each other, knowing with every passing second that the end is only getting closer. I can feel it now. I know it’s coming this time and no matter what we do, there’s no avoiding it.

  “You’d think we’d be used to this by now, wouldn’t you?” I say, my fingers tracing the line of his jaw.

  Ben shakes his head, his face impossibly sad. “I don’t think I will ever get used to this, Evie.”

  I exhale, knowing he’s right. “Yeah, me either,” I say, leaning in to kiss his lips. “If anything it’s just the opposite, isn’t it?”

  Ben’s fingers dig into my back, letting me know he gets it. “It never gets any easier for me, baby. With every time this happens, it only gets harder and harder to face. Harder and harder to watch you go.”

  “I just can’t believe we have to keep going through it,” I whisper, my voice so quiet, I’m not even sure Ben hears me.

  “I know,” he says, staring into my eyes. “But no matter how hard it gets, Evie, I’m not giving up on us. I’m never giving you up, baby.”

  My eyes close as I tighten my arms around him, pulling myself even closer. Ben’s hand slides up my back and into my hair, holding my lips to his. “Ben,” I breathe.

  “Just remember I love you, Evie,” he whispers. “Please, just remember that.”

  I breathe out a “Yes,” and then we are kissing, our fingers digging into each other, desperately holding on, clinging to our last few minutes together. I don’t want to go, I really don’t want to leave him, especially now after so long.

  Ben’s hand finds mine and he lifts it to his mouth, kissing my wedding ring. I hope it comes with me, even though deep down I know that’s impossible. But if it does, I have a chance of remembering him, because Ben’s name is engraved on the inside and all I have to do is look at it.

  I can feel the tears welling again and I close my eyes, not wanting to cry. Ben leans in and starts to kiss my tears away, which only makes me cry harder.

  “I love you, Ben,” I breathe out. “I don’t want to go, I really don’t want to go.”

  “I love you too, Evie,” he says. “I love you so fucking much.”

  I open my eyes and find Ben watching me. I smile at him through my tears as I hear my watch start to beep. I know it’s time.

  “I’ll find you,” I say, meaning it more than I ever have before. “I promise I’ll find you.”

  Then I blink and everything is black.

  I think of Ben and how much I love him.

  And then it’s all gone.

  And so am I.

  29th February 2008

  Thirty-two years old

  The sun shines into my room and today I turn thirty-two years old.

  As I my eyes open, I instantly feel different. Not just that I’m in a place I don’t recognise, but physically, I feel different. There’s a heavy sadness that feels like it’s wrapping itself around me, but somehow it’s more than that. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is exactly.

  I stretch my arms over my head, my eyes roaming around the bedroom I’ve woken up in. None of this is familiar. The wall behind me is red; the other three white and there is a huge window overlooking the sea. I climb out of bed and walk towards it, take in the pier, the ocean and the seagulls flying around, trying to take food from unsuspecting tourists who are braving the cold wind. I’m not quite sure where I am, but it’s clearly a seaside town.

  I turn away from the window and grab a cardigan from the end of my bed and walk into the rest of my flat. There is a large living room with a kitchen to the side, and I walk in to make myself a cup of tea. As my hand turns on the tap to fill up the kettle, I notice a dent on my finger. Pulling my hand closer, I can see the faint imprint of what used to be a ring, wrapped around my left ring finger. It’s as though I’ve worn one there for a long time and it’s left not just an impression, but also a tan line. There’s no ring there now though, and I have no memory of where it could be or even what it looks like. But the mark is there, clear as day.

  I close my eyes, trying to remember. The remnants of a dream, of a memory, of the happiest day of my life, float towards me. But as soon as I try to latch on to it, it’s gone. I open my eyes and switch on the kettle before walking around my flat, trying to work out if the memory is here.

  There are no photos on the walls; no indication of a husband or a wedding and the only thing I can think of is maybe I used to wear a ring there. Maybe I was married once before and I’m not anymore. Only that doesn’t feel right either.

  Why can’t I remember what this is about?

  28th May 2008

  Thirty-two years old

  “Ben?” I say when I hear his voice on the other end of the phone. But then he keeps talking and I realise it’s his voicemail. I wasn’t expecting his voicemail and I don’t know what to say. When the beep chimes in, I just say the first thing that comes to me. “Ben, it’s me, Evie. I don’t know where you are, but I’m in Brighton. I’m catching the train in ten minutes. I’ll be at Victoria Station in an hour, so twelve-thirty, okay.” I stop, wondering if he’ll even get this message before I get there.

  Where is he?

  “But if you’re not there, don’t worry. I’ll go straight home and wait for you,” I say, anxious to see him. It’s been three months this time and I’m lucky it’s happened now. I’m not sure how much longer I could have held out, not alone anyway. “I love you, Ben,” I add on. “I’ll see you soon.”

  I hang up the phone and pick up my bag. I have some things I need to take with me this time. Normally I’d leave it all behind, not really caring about the life I’ve been dumped in, only wanting to get back to the life I’ve created with Ben. But this time, things are a little bit different, and this time, I have things from this life that need to come with me back to my real life.

  “Can I help you with your bag miss?” a man about my age asks me.

  I smile at him. “I’m fine, thank you,” I say as I climb onto the train, the overnight bag in my hand.

  I spend
the train ride doing nothing but staring out the window, occasionally sipping from the tea I bought at the station. My phone doesn’t ring and there are no text messages from Ben. I’ll ditch this phone as soon as I get back home, not needing to hang on to it and the life it represents anymore. My old phone, the phone Ben will have kept for me, will be my real phone. My real phone with all the numbers I ever need, already programmed in. Ben’s number, his parents, Rachel, Sarah, Paul, the station and some of the guys from his work and one or two of my work friends, who I hope have stuck around.

  Things got easy for a while, when I stayed for eight years, and hopefully Ben’s been able to explain this three-month absence to everyone. Because they aren’t the only ones in for a surprise when I reappear again.

  I’m not entirely sure how this has happened and I have no idea what it means or what’s going to happen next. I’m excited and surprised and scared and also eternally grateful. Because it’s actually the reason I’ve remembered Ben this time round and I hope that’s a good sign. I hope it’s somehow the reason I’ll always remember him.

  I sit up as my train pulls into Victoria, swallowing as I briefly feel like I’m going to be sick. There are a million people on the platform, but even if it were empty, it wouldn’t make any difference to how I’m feeling. As I gather my bags and stand up, I take a deep breath, hoping he’s here waiting for me.

  Everyone steps off the train and we all walk towards the gates at the end of the platform. I’m scanning the whole station, desperately looking for Ben, wishing I knew if he got my message. There are people everywhere, announcements over the loud speakers, a busker at the end of the platform trying to play his guitar. A young child starts crying and I’m starting to wonder if I’ll even be able to find Ben in amongst all of this if he’s actually managed to get here.

  And then I hear it.

  Clear as day, as though every single sound in the station all just simultaneously stopped so I could hear this one word.

  “Evie!”

  It’s Ben. My Ben.