Losing Me Finding You

by Natalie Ward

  I’m looking everywhere, desperately scanning the crowds for his familiar face, but I can’t find him. And then suddenly, I’m engulfed in a pair of arms and lifted off the ground, kisses pressed all over my face. When I finally register what’s going on, I see Ben. His beautiful smiling face looking up at me, his strong arms wrapped around me like they’re never letting me go.

  “Hey, baby,” he says, as cool as ever. “Miss me?”

  I drop my bags to the ground and throw my arms around his neck. “So much,” I whisper, before leaning in and kissing him. We are standing in the middle of Victoria Station. My bags are at my feet, our arms are wrapped tightly around each other and we are kissing like we are in some cheesy Hollywood movie. It’s totally clichéd, but as always, I don’t care. I don’t care what we look like or who’s watching us. If any of these people had to live my life, they’d be doing the same thing.

  “You got my message?” I breathe out, when we finally come up for air.

  “I did. I’m so sorry I didn’t call you back, baby. I’ve been on a job and it only just came through.”

  It’s only now that I register he’s still wearing his uniform. He must have come straight from work and when I lean in and press my nose to his neck, I can still smell the smoke on him. Ben lowers me back down, still smiling and I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him closer.

  “It’s okay,” I say, pushing up on my toes and kissing him again. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

  Ben smiles at me. “I have something for you,” he says, his fingers gently brushing down my cheek. “Something you left behind.”

  “You do?” I ask, confused. Ben smiles and nods as he holds up his right hand so I can see what he’s talking about. “Oh, my wedding ring,” I say, sliding it off his little finger and putting it back on my left ring finger where it should be. “You found it.”

  “I did,” Ben says, kissing me again. “It was the only part of you that was left behind with me when you disappeared.”

  I bite my bottom lip, knowing that Ben left a part of himself behind with me too. “Um,” I murmur, not really sure how to say this. “Yeah, you kinda left something with me too,” I say, still looking at him. “Something…kinda…big.”

  Ben’s face is a mixture of confusion and humour. He’s half smiling at me, but his brow is scrunched as he tries to work out what the hell I’m trying to say. “What do you mean?” he finally asks.

  I take a deep breath. “This,” I say, as I take his hand and rest it against my stomach.

  Ben’s face is all confusion now. “What? Evie, babe, I don’t…” He suddenly stops as though he finally understands what I’m trying to tell him. “Really?” he asks, his face breaking into a huge smile.

  “Really,” I say, my hand still covering his over my stomach. “I’m pregnant, Ben.”

  Ben’s smile only gets bigger as he leans in and kisses me hard on the lips, our hands trapped between us and still pressed against my stomach.

  “We’re having a baby?” he whispers, his lips against mine.

  “We are,” I breathe out. “I don’t know how it’s happened, Ben, but it’s yours, I know it’s yours.”

  “You’re…” he stops talking and I see the fear briefly cross his face.

  I smile, moving my hand to cup his cheek. “I’m sure,” I say, knowing it’s the truth. “It’s your baby, I promise you.”

  Ben’s hand moves gently over my stomach as he glances down. I’m only twelve weeks, so I’m not really showing yet, but to watch Ben, you’d never know that. “How?” is all he says, looking back up at me.

  “I’m guessing it happened the last night we were together,” I say to him, my thumb brushing his cheek. “It’s the first time we’ve actually had sex on a night before I disappeared. Last time I stayed, remember?” Which also meant I woke up and remembered to take my birth control. “This time, I disappeared and I had no memory of us, which also meant I had no memory of our last night together. And I guess when I didn’t take the pill the next morning, I got pregnant, making it a part of me, so it came with me.” I say, pushing some of his hair back off his face. “I got the shock of my life when I found out. I mean I knew I hadn’t been with anyone, so I couldn’t work out how the hell this had happened. But I promise you, Ben, I haven’t been with anyone else.”

  Ben’s nodding at me now. “I know, baby, I trust you, I know you haven’t. Sorry it was stupid of me to even think that.”

  I shake my head. “No, it wasn’t. I’d have asked too. And please believe me, I checked, triple checked. There is no one else, never has been anyone else. There never will be anyone else, but you.”

  “I know, Eva,” he whispers. “I believe you, really.” Ben kisses me, before suddenly pulling back. “So how’d you eventually work it out?” he asks, his fingers stroking my cheek.

  I smile up at him. “When I went to the doctor about feeling sick all the time and she told me I was pregnant, I nearly died of shock. She wanted me to go for an ultrasound, to try and work out how far along I was because I couldn’t tell her the last time I’d had sex.”

  Ben rolls his eyes. “Three long months, Evie,” he practically groans.

  I laugh. “I know that now,” I say, squeezing him tighter. “But luckily for me, when I went in to get the ultrasound, I happened to have a very chatty nurse.”

  “And?” he asks, wondering where I’m going with this.

  “And she was telling me all about her first pregnancy and how she didn’t realise she was pregnant either.”

  “And, how did this make you remember me?” Ben asks, still confused.

  I smile up at him, my fingers smoothing over his cheek as I stare into his beautiful blue eyes. “She was telling me about a trip to London that she and her husband took, how she first discovered she was pregnant when she threw up.”

  “I still don’t get it,” Ben says, his arms squeezing my waist.

  I smile. “She told me she threw up right as their tour bus pulled up in front of Big Ben. And when she told me that, everything came flooding back. I actually started crying right there on the bed.”

  “Evie,” Ben whispers, pulling me closer.

  “I have a photo if you want to see it,” I say, my face buried in his neck.

  “What, of the nurse?” Ben says and I can’t help but laugh.

  “No silly, of our baby,” I tell him, pulling the scan image from my bag.

  I watch as Ben looks at the photo, his eyes staring at it as though he can hardly believe what he’s seeing. When he turns back to me, he says nothing and we stand on the end of the platform, arms wrapped around each other, and staring into each other’s eyes. I don’t have anything more to say and I’m waiting, wanting to hear what Ben has to say next. Hoping he wants this as much as I’ve realised I do, even though I have no idea how this is all going to work.

  “We’re having a baby,” he eventually says, smiling.

  I nod. “We are.”

  And without saying another word, Ben crushes his lips against mine again and somehow I know we’ll find a way to make it work.

  20 October 2008

  Thirty-two years old

  “But what happens when she's born?” I ask.

  Ben smiles at me. “Then we have a daughter, Evie,” he says, half laughing as his fingers run up the underside of my foot, tickling me and causing me to gently kick him in the stomach. We’re sitting on the couch and my feet are in Ben’s lap as he rubs them for me. I have one month to go and I am absolutely petrified.

  “But what if…” and I'm afraid to ask, to even finish the question.

  “She’s due in November, baby, a whole month of regular days,” he says pulling me into his arms now. “And it’s nowhere near a leap year. We have three more years until that happens again.”

  I kinda love that he knows what I’m asking, and he's right, it's still three more years until the next leap year and her due date is nowhere near February. But she was conceived on a leap year and she s
urvived, she came with me. I’ve never been able to bring anything with me and that’s what scares me more than anything. Why did she come with me?

  “I know,” I eventually say, my head resting against Ben’s shoulder. “I’m just scared because she came with me, when nothing else ever does.” I glance down at my fingers, at the wedding band that was all Ben had left of me last time. God, the idea of her disappearing from my arms, of me disappearing from her side. Of Ben losing us both. I can’t even think about that.

  “She went with you,” Ben says, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. “Because she is a part of you, a permanent part of you, baby.”

  “Yeah,” I say, knowing it’s the only explanation I have too. “But you know when we made her?” I whisper, glancing up him now.

  Ben’s lips press against the side of my neck as his hand slides onto my huge stomach and gently rubs it. “Yeah, I know.”

  Neither of us says anything, because right now, I don’t think either of us knows what we can possibly say. We are both thinking the same thing. She might not be born on the day that cursed me, but she was created then, and what that means for her, nobody knows. I’m too afraid to even think of the possibilities.

  “Oww,” I suddenly say as our unborn baby gives an almighty kick against my stomach, right where Ben’s hand is resting.

  Ben laughs. “I don’t think she likes us talking about this,” he says, his hand rubbing my belly again.

  I smile. “Yeah, maybe not.”

  “It will be okay, Evie,” Ben says.

  “How do you know?” I ask him, my head still resting on his shoulder as I look up at him.

  He nuzzles my neck again and this time his whiskers tickle my skin, making me laugh as I squirm away from him. “Because I just do,” he tells me, tightening his arm around my shoulder.

  “But you don’t know,” I say, laughing even though this isn’t a laughing matter. Now it’s his lips pressing against my skin, then it’s his whiskers, then his lips. He’s teasing me, trying to distract me and he knows it. “Ben!” I say, not sure if I can take much more.

  “What?” he says, laughing as he finally stops. His arm still holds me tightly against him, his other hand resting on my stomach.

  “How do you know?” I finally ask, my voice a whisper.

  Ben takes a deep breath, exhaling against my skin. “I don’t,” he finally says. “But we’ve made it this far, baby, and I have to believe she will too.”

  30th November 2008

  Thirty-two years old

  “One more,” the doctor says to me and I’m thinking if she asks for one more, one more time, I’m actually going to punch her in the face. I’m pissed, I’m hurting, and I don’t want to be fucking doing this. As I look down, I can see my doctor. She’s smiling at me like this is the greatest thing in the world as she perches between my legs and sticks her face in the one part of me that only Ben should be sticking his face in. And all she can say is fucking push.

  My head falls back on the pillow as I decide, that’s it, I’m done. I’m officially not doing this anymore, because it just hurts too fucking much.

  “Come on, baby,” Ben says, squeezing my hand. “Not much more.”

  “Fuck you,” I breathe out, my voice barely audible.

  “Is that a request or a promise?” Ben whispers, leaning in to kiss my forehead.

  My eyes briefly close. “You know this is all your fault, don’t you?” I say.

  I hear Ben laugh. “Yeah I figured that was the case,” he says. “But come on, one more. For me, please?”

  What else can I do, I push.

  And then none of this matters anymore. Because then we hear her.

  Our baby.

  Crying.

  And it is the most beautiful noise in the world.

  “And here she is,” Dr Anderson, the woman I was ready to strangle two seconds ago, suddenly says. “A beautiful baby girl.”

  I exhale loudly, my head trying to lift off the pillow.

  “You ready to hold her?” she asks us.

  I finally lift my head and see her. Our baby, our perfect little baby. I turn to look at Ben, but he’s staring at her and he’s looking at her with so much love, it makes my heart hurt.

  “Evie?” Dr Anderson asks me.

  I swallow. “Yes,” I whisper, my voice cracking. “Ben…hold her?”

  He turns to me, gives me the same look he just gave our daughter as he leans in and kisses my lips. “We have a baby girl,” he whispers and then he’s reaching out as Dr Anderson places her in his arms.

  Ben sits on the bed next to me, holding her in his arms like it’s the most natural thing in the world. My heart melts at the sight of my big strong husband, holding this tiny little baby. He’s so gentle and relaxed with her as he gently runs his fingers over her jet-black hair.

  “She looks just like you,” he says, his lips on my forehead.

  I laugh. “I kinda think she looks like you,” I say, my fingers reaching out to touch her hair before my hand cradles her tiny head.

  Ben swings his legs up so he’s lying beside me on the bed. “She’s beautiful,” he whispers.

  “Yeah,” I say, turning to kiss him. “She sure is.”

  “Does this mean I’m forgiven?” Ben asks, his head on my shoulder now as we both cradle our daughter between us.

  I laugh. “Yeah, Ben, you are.” My fingers gently brush over the thick hair she already has. I hope her eyes are blue, just like Ben’s. “What are we going to call her?” I ask him, knowing we’ve never really discussed it.

  Ben’s fingers gently stroke down her cheek and I watch as her lips suck for a second before she settles. I know right then, in that instant watching her react to his touch, she’s going to be a total daddy’s girl.

  “What about Lucia?” Ben asks, turning to face me.

  “Lucia?” I ask, wondering where this has come from.

  Ben smiles at me, his fingers gently brushing my hair back from my face. “Yeah, Lucia,” he whispers. “It means light.”

  I smile as I realise it’s the most perfect name in the world, our tiny ray of light. “It’s perfect,” I say.

  30th March 2009

  Thirty-three years old

  I’m sitting on the couch by the window. Lucia is lying on my chest as my feet rest on the coffee table. It is a beautiful day, the start of spring and as the sun shines in, I hold my hand to the light, stare at the band of diamonds Ben bought me. It was a gift after Lucia was born and I wear it next to my wedding ring.

  “She sleeping?” he asks, as he gently slides in next to me on the couch, putting two cups of tea on the coffee table.

  I glance down. “Yeah, sound asleep,” I say turning to kiss him.

  Ben deepens the kiss, his hand sliding into my hair and holding me to him, just like he always does. “Want me to take her?” he asks and I can’t help but smile. She might be a total daddy’s girl, but she definitely has him wrapped around her little finger.

  “I’m okay, thanks,” I say.

  Ben smiles as he drapes his arm across the back of the couch and around my shoulders, his other hand gently stroking Lucia’s black hair.

  “What are you thinking about?” he says, catching me looking at my rings again.

  I turn to smile at him. “I was thinking I had an idea,” I say. “An idea for how I can remember you. How I can make it happen straightaway.”

  Ben tilts his head in confusion and I laugh, my knuckles brushing his cheek. He catches them in his hand and threads our fingers together, resting our joined hands in his lap. “How?”

  “Well, you said last time, when I disappeared, you were left with nothing but my wedding ring in your hand, right?” I ask.

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, when I woke up the next day, I remember noticing an indent on that finger, as though a ring had been there, had always been there. It didn’t trigger my memories of you, but I do remember noticing it.”

  “Really?” Ben asks, looking e
ven more confused.

  I nod. “Yeah, I’ve always had little things like that, thoughts and feelings before I actually remember you. Mostly, they are just a bunch of memories that are fighting to get to the surface, but somehow they never do.”

  “I didn’t know that,” Ben says. “And they never trigger anything?”

  I shake my head. “No, they’re more like dreams that wake you up in the middle of the night. When they do, you always know you’ve dreamt something good or scary or whatever, but no matter how hard you try, you can never remember the actual dream or what it was about,” I explain.

  “Okay,” Ben says, still confused. “So how is this going to help you remember me?”

  “Well,” I say smiling as I glance down at Lucia still sleeping on my chest. “Permanent things, or things that become a permanent part of me seem to move with me.”

  “Right,” Ben confirms.

  I turn to look at him again. “Well, she became a part of me last time, didn’t she? She was a permanent part of me that we created, that we made happen, and then she came with me.”

  “Yeah,” Ben says and I can see the faintest trace of a smile starting on his face, letting me know he knows exactly where I’m going with all this.

  “So, I was thinking, if my…”

  Ben laughs. “If your ring was a permanent thing too, it would also go with you?” he says finishing my sentence.

  “Yeah,” I say, smiling at him. “I think it probably would, don’t you?”

  Ben leans in and presses a hard kiss to my lips. “Baby, I think that’s a fantastic idea.”

  8th May 2009

  Thirty-three years old

  “You’re sure about this?” Ben asks, squeezing my hand as we walk into the shop.

  I nod, positive this is going to work. “Yep,” I say to him.

  “Because it’s definitely permanent,” Ben tells me as we reach the counter.

  “I know,” I say. “But that’s the whole point, isn’t it?”

  “It is,” Ben says. “But you also need to be sure about what you’re getting, you’re gonna carry it around with you forever, you know.”