Her Only Chance

by Cheryl Anne Porter

  Kell waited. When she still didn’t say anything, he exhaled his regret. He’d said too much. All he could do now was make his exit. “You got anything you want to say to me, Jamie, before I leave you for once?”

  “Yes,” she said, not sounding at all like herself. “I don’t even like Greg.”

  8

  THESE THIRTY DAYS were certainly going by fast. Here it was Wednesday…four days after Kell had walked out on her…which meant that almost two weeks had been shaved off the month Dr. Hampton had given her. Jamie stood at Kellan’s door, pushing the doorbell button with one hand and, straightening her clothes with the other. She waited. Maybe he wasn’t home. Or maybe he could see through the peephole that it was her and he just wouldn’t—

  The door opened. Jamie’s heart gave a leap.

  Kell stood there, handsome as ever but straight-faced. For all the warmth he exuded, Jamie figured she might as well have been some door-to-door saleslady with a caseful of makeup. He was dressed in a pair of faded jeans and a powder-blue polo shirt. His shirttail was out, and he was barefoot. Except for one sock. He also needed to shave.

  “Are those for me?” he said abruptly.

  Feeling suddenly silly, Jamie nevertheless held out to him the hugely expensive bouquet of colorful, exotic flowers she clutched in her fist. “Yes, they are. I thought turnabout would be fair play.”

  “It is. Thanks.” He took them from her, stepped back and closed the door.

  Startled, Jamie stared blankly at the white-painted wooden door. Pursing her lips, she again rang the doorbell.

  It opened immediately. Kell still held the flowers. He remained unsmiling. “Yes? Was there something else?”

  “Here.” She handed him a card. “This is for you, too.”

  He took the envelope. “Thanks.” He stepped back—and again closed the door in her face.

  Jamie could not believe this. Peeved, she rang the doorbell repeatedly. After a good sustained minute or so of that, it opened again.

  Kell stood there…sans flowers and card. “Yes?”

  “What do you think you’re doing?”

  His expression remained impassive as he shrugged. “Answering the door. What are you doing?”

  “Getting really tired having it slammed in my face, let me tell you.”

  “I can imagine. It’s not any fun, is it?”

  Jamie narrowed her eyes. “What’s your point? Is there a lesson in there somewhere?”

  Kell’s expression indicated he’d thought she’d never ask. “Yes, there is. See, every time I try to be in your life, Jamie—regardless of what I might bring to the relationship—you slam the door in my face. Figuratively speaking, but just as jarring. And I’m about over it. I thought you should know.”

  His words made her feel foolish and unwanted. With the sweltering heat of the day baking her skin, Jamie just stared at Kell’s handsome and, at this moment, harsh face. She knew this man inside and out. Or at least, she thought she did. But maybe she didn’t. Because right now he seemed very much a stranger to her.

  This called for a shifting of her emotional gears—and a supreme effort not to run away. “Well,” she finally said, surprising herself with how strong her voice sounded. “I guess you told me. That was certainly succinct. And psychologically apropos.”

  “Truth hurts, huh?”

  “It stings, actually.” She fought to keep her longing for him off her face. It was obvious that Kell was not going to cut her any slack here. Jamie’s heart ached. She wanted him so much…the comfort of his arms around her, his love, his respect, his presence in her life. But all she ever did was mess it up for them. She knew she ought to simply say what was in her heart, but she couldn’t. There was no need. She’d said it all before—and look how much difference it had made.

  “So, Jamie.” Kell broke the silence that had grown between them. “Can you tell I’ve been getting in touch with my feelings by reading this month’s edition of Pop Psychology Today?”

  At least he was still talking to her—and he hadn’t slammed the door in her face again. “Sounds like it.” Her voice sounded hollow to her ears. “Only I think I’d know if such a magazine existed.”

  “Well, you got me there. Then would you believe I’ve been to see Dr. Hampton on my own?”

  “No. I was just there yesterday. He would have told me if he’d seen you.”

  Kell raised his eyebrows. “Oh really? So much for patient confidentiality.”

  Jamie felt the blush rising in her face. “No, you’re right. He wouldn’t have said.” She shook her head. “You really didn’t see him, did you, Kell? Because that doesn’t sound like you.”

  “In what way?” He looked offended.

  Jamie rushed to explain. “It’s just that you don’t ask for help. You never have.”

  He stared steadily, soberly, into her eyes. “What makes you think I need help?”

  “You do. It’s written all over you. Something is bothering you, not that I’m conceited enough to think I’m the cause.”

  Kell’s defensive expression softened. “Nice backtracking. No, I haven’t been to see your therapist, Jamie. I don’t need a psychiatrist to tell me what I feel in my heart.”

  “Well, I do. The more I go, the more screwed up I realize I am.” Jamie waited, but he didn’t say anything. Frustration ate at her. “Kell, this conversation is like being pecked to death by a duck. Don’t you want to know what Dr. Hampton and I talked about?”

  He shrugged. “Only if you want to tell me.” His words were noncommittal, but his dark eyes alertly searched her face.

  “I wouldn’t be standing here if I didn’t want to tell you. Anyway, we…” The words jammed up in her throat. Courage, Jamie. She stiffened her resolve to see this through. “We talked about my father. Or my feelings regarding him.” Again she waited. He didn’t say anything. Jamie exhaled sharply. “Look, I don’t deserve a brass band and balloons for that, I know. But I did it for you. Me. Us.” When he still he said nothing, she added, “This is where you jump in and say something supportive, Kell.”

  “Oh.” He leaned a shoulder against the doorjamb and crossed his arms over his chest. The coolness radiating from him rivaled the blast of air-conditioned cold that escaped outside as he stood there with the door open. “You didn’t need to do it for me, Jamie. You needed to do it for you. Still, I’m glad you talked about your issues regarding your father with your therapist. How’d that go?”

  That was an opening…not much of one, but an opening just the same. “It was tough, Kell. Really tough. It hurt a lot.” She felt her lips trembling with her unshed tears. “It’ll take more than one session, but I think I might be close to accepting the situation as it is now.”

  “Ah. The elusive closure.”

  “In a way.” Her heart was in her eyes. “Dr. Hampton thought I ought to contact my father and tell him how I feel about what he did. But I can’t. I don’t know where he is.” She wanted to smile, but couldn’t.

  Kell’s eyes thawed a bit. “I’m so sorry, Jamie. That just sucks. I hate that you have to go through this.”

  She’d thought his coolness was hard. But his sympathy was worse. Dangerously close to tears now, she dragged in a deep breath. “Thank you. I’m glad I went. You’re right—it was important. I needed to deal with those feelings.”

  This was such a stupidly polite conversation. Her heart said Take me in your arms and hold me. I need you. Help me, Kell.

  But Kell made no move toward her. “Well, I’m glad you finally did it. But I’m sorry I was such an ass about making you realize that.”

  His words were apologetic, but his voice remained that of a disinterested stranger. Jamie couldn’t seem to get her balance with him. “No need to apologize. But now at least I understand that my father’s leaving wasn’t my fault. Or yours. I’m sorry I put us through it all these years.”

  Kell nodded and almost smiled. “Don’t be. It’s okay. So, what are you doing here?”

  She exhal
ed. “I’m trying to apologize, to say you were right and I was wrong. I’m glad you were the one to walk away because now I don’t have to worry about how I’d feel if you did. Ta-da. The world didn’t end, and you’re still talking to me.” She sobered. “And I really don’t like Greg.”

  Kell shook his head. “Greg again. I still don’t know what that means.”

  “It means our fuss began over his stupid beer.”

  “No, it didn’t.”

  “Yes, it did. In a way. But, anyway, am I forgiven?”

  “Is that why you’re here…forgiveness? Okay. But for what exactly? I want to be sure we’re on the same page.”

  Feeling better by the minute—they were honestly communicating now—Jamie playfully pursed her lips. “Do I have to eat my humble pie out here, Kell? As hot as it is, it’s bound to burn before I can get it all down.”

  He chuckled and waved her inside. “Come on in. It’s cheaper to let you inside than it would be to stand there with the door open and continue to air-condition my front porch.”

  Jamie stepped inside and felt the blessed coolness of the inside air on her skin. She turned and Kell’s gaze met hers. The naked look of uncertainty in his eyes surprised Jamie. Somehow, seeing that, she felt even better. He did care. She attempted a smile. “This isn’t going at all how I’d envisioned.”

  “Really? What did you see happening? Some big soap opera-worthy ‘reunited’ scene with violin music playing in the background?”

  Jamie just grinned. “You’ve been home alone too long, Kell. You have got to stop watching daytime TV.” She plopped her purse on the dining-room table and met his gaze. “It’s good to see you again. I’ve missed you. I probably don’t have any right to say that, but I did.”

  He ran a hand through his hair. “You have every right,” he said softly.

  Filled with yearning for his touch, which he still denied her, she roved her gaze over him, loving everything about his appearance. The man could fill out a pair of jeans. And what his muscled physique did for that knit shirt should be illegal. She looked down his length. He had on only one sock. Suddenly Jamie felt terrible for ogling him because that one sock made him seem so vulnerable, like a little boy.

  As always, his vulnerability frightened her. She covered it by indicating his appearance. “Were you just leaving or just getting home? I can’t tell.”

  “Getting ready to go out. Jeff had some complications that required more surgery. I was on my way to the hospital to see him.”

  Fear shot through Jamie. She didn’t know Jeff, but she’d met Melanie, and she knew that somehow Kell’s emotional state was tied up in Jeff’s condition. “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Look, I can just leave.” She picked up her purse and turned toward the door. “I hope he’s okay. Please tell his wife—”

  “Jamie, wait. Please.”

  She pivoted to face him. His expression was troubled. Her heart pounding, Jamie took a step toward him. “Kell? Are you all right?”

  He held a hand up to stop her. His throat worked and he blinked. Then once he got himself under control again, he asked, “Will you go with me to see him?”

  Warmth spread through Jamie. He needed her. Jamie nodded and again put her purse down. “I’d be honored. And I’m sorry—sincerely sorry, Kell—that I came over here with the flowers and a card at a time like this.”

  “It’s okay. They’re nice. I’ve never been given flowers before.” He didn’t say anything else. He looked around the small dining room as if he’d forgotten what he’d been about to do.

  Before the ensuing silence could become uncomfortable, Jamie leaped into action, heading for his small kitchen. “Hey, I’ll just go put the flowers in some water while you finish getting dressed. Do you have a vase?”

  “No. Just use whatever you can find. It doesn’t matter. Nothing in my kitchen is sacred.”

  Jamie turned to face him. He again looked so much like a hurt child that her heart went out to him. Once more she felt unsure that she should be here. “Look, Kell, you’ve got a lot on your plate right now. Why don’t I just go? I don’t really need to be here adding to your stress load with my problems. Somehow, in the face of what you seem to be going through—I have to say ‘seem’ because you won’t tell me what it is—my difficulties getting my license to practice seem trivial and so self-centered.”

  “No, they’re not. Not to me.” His tone was adamant. “Nothing to do with you has ever been trivial, Jamie. Whether it was teaching you how to throw a baseball or taking you to the senior prom. You should know that by now.”

  She smiled, but she was on a roll now. “Well, that’s nice of you to say. But maybe right now isn’t the best time for me and you to try to…do whatever it is we’re trying to do here.”

  “Wrong. You’re not going to walk out on me. Not now. Not ever again. Look, it’s not easy for me to say these things…but I’d like you to stay. Just be with me, okay?”

  His words thrilled Jamie’s heart. “Okay,” she said quietly. “Why don’t I just—” She gestured vaguely toward the kitchen. “Take care of the flowers and then we’ll go. I can drive, if you like.”

  He shook his head. “No. We’ll take my car since it has a base sticker.”

  “Oh. I hadn’t thought about that. Your friend’s in the hospital at MacDill.” She wanted so much to take Kell in her arms and hold him and tell him that everything would be okay. But she didn’t know if he would want her to do that…and she really wasn’t sure that everything would be okay. With Jeff. Or with her and Kell.

  Lost in her uncertainty, Jamie stood where she was and watched Kell walk by her. He didn’t pause to touch her or say anything. She ached with wanting to reach out and feel him but she didn’t dare. So she stood there, with her heart dragging, watching him sprint up the stairs—and marveled at how that nasty sutured wound on his thigh never seemed to bother him. She felt certain that if he ever chose to tell her how it had happened, then she and he would be okay together. It would mean he trusted her with that side of his life.

  Jamie turned away from the stairs, and went into the kitchen. She wished Kell would realize that she wanted to know about every part of his life, his work included. Yeah, right. Like she hadn’t railed at him about his risky job every time he tried to tell her something. Jamie sighed. She was the problem, not Kell. If anyone had some changing to do, it was her. She needed to work on her responses to his risk-taking. That, after all, was all she could control.

  While she searched her psychologist’s repertoire for strategies to get Kell to open up to her, Jamie searched his kitchen cabinets for something suitable to put the flowers in. Suddenly she realized she was wondering how Melanie handled her fears for her husband. Weren’t they the same as hers for Kell? Jamie smiled to herself. Of course. She could talk to Melanie. What an obvious answer! And just as suddenly, she noticed a tall ceramic beer stein. It was perfect for the flowers. Jamie pulled it down, ran some water into it, and then reached for the flowers, which Kell had placed on the countertop beside the stove.

  Jamie picked them up and began unwrapping them. At least he hadn’t flung them in the garbage can as he’d accused her of doing with the ones he’d brought her. Jamie sighed, seeing in her mind’s eye the beautiful arrangement sitting in a crystal vase on her desk. His opened card sat beside them. He’d been unfair to accuse her of throwing them away. But still, she supposed she deserved Kell’s defensiveness. In fact, after his tirade the other evening, she’d done a lot of thinking about what he’d said.

  Jamie rested the heels of her hands against the counter and stared into the dining room. But all she could see was the vicious circle that represented their past together. His daredevil ways set off her fear of abandonment. His trying to change for her made him miserable and resentful. Then she’d tell him to—literally—go jump off a cliff. He would. Then she got even more scared.

  She needed to change that. Giving herself an emotional shake, Jamie adjusted a bit of greenery in the arrangement.


  “You done here? The flowers look great.”

  Jamie jumped, putting a hand to her throat. “I didn’t even hear you come down the stairs. You startled me.”

  “Yeah, I noticed that. Sorry. Habit and training. But what were you thinking so deeply about? I’ve been standing here a good thirty seconds. I even said your name once.”

  Her face heated up. “You did? Wow.”

  “Yeah. Where’d you go?”

  Jamie didn’t speak right away. Instead, she took in his appearance, as if she needed to verify for herself whom she was addressing. He looked the same as he had earlier, only neater. His shirt was tucked in. He had on shoes and socks. He’d shaved. In his hands were a pair of dark aviator sunglasses and a set of car keys. Gone was the uncertain little boy of a few minutes ago. Here was the confident, sexy man awaiting her answer.

  “Where’d I go?” she said, meeting his gaze…and finding she was reluctant to tell him just yet. “A foreign place, actually.”

  He grinned. “I’ve been there. I like the people, but the weather leaves something to be desired. And for what it’s worth, don’t drink the water.”

  Jamie smiled weakly. Something to be desired, he’d said. She believed she now knew what that something was. Emotional intimacy. If they could achieve it, that would be one kind of closure. If they didn’t…well, that would be another kind. A bad kind. A final kind.

  “So, are you done here? Visiting hours aren’t all that long.”

  Close to tears because she didn’t know which outcome they’d have, Jamie grabbed the stein and swept by Kell, putting the flowers on the dining-room table.

  “Hey, those look great in there,” he said. “Thank you, Jamie.”

  Jamie preened under his appreciation. “You’re welcome. I’ll just go get my purse.”

  But when she turned around, Kell was right behind her. He took her in his arms and hugged her to him. Jamie melted against him, loving the citrusy scent of his after-shave and the warm feel of his body pressed against hers. But most of all she reveled in how her body contoured itself to his…as if only when they were together were they one. Kell kissed the top of her head.