Romantic Comedy Box Set (Helen Grey Series Books 1 & 2)

by Hodge, Sibel

I glanced down at my shoes, aware that everyone was looking at me, waiting to hear what I’d say. I thought about the lists I’d made when I first got here, going through them one by one in my head. I didn’t have to worry about Kalem’s extended family being crazy anymore. They weren’t crazy, just different to me. They were kind and sweet and slightly quirky – but then I was Miss Quirkarama – and they cared about the most important thing in life. They cared about family. And Osman had saved Kalem’s life, so it was my turn to owe him. Maybe I could return the favour one day.

  We weren’t involved in any more major crimes. At least I seriously hoped we weren’t. Ali had assured me that the custard cream and Smoky smuggling would be overlooked now. The statue had been returned to its rightful owner, so I didn’t think Queen Cleopatra would be cursing me anymore, unless she held a grudge because I called her ugly. I was sure that Ali would deal with Erol, so we didn’t have to worry about him interfering in our lives now. In fact, Erol was the one facing the prospect of a life behind bars this time, not me. Kalem would find a new job here. I was also sure of that. And Ayshe would be living here as well, so I wouldn’t be missing her and Atila like crazy.

  The only downside was the lack of shops – I was a bit of a shopaholic, after all – but after everything that had happened, I didn’t even care about that anymore. I could live without materialistic things like convenient supermarkets and custard creams. They were bad for you anyway (the custard creams not the supermarkets). I thought about what Osman had said about life really being simple. The only important thing was that Kalem and I were together – oh, and we were alive, which was also pretty important. If this whole experience had taught me anything, it was that I really would give up everything and live in a mud hut if it meant we were together. So, bollocks to the shops (sorry shops! One day I will return to you).

  I thought about all the good things being here had to offer. The sunshine and how energized it made you feel. The beaches where turtles lay their eggs and start a new life on the shores on North Cyprus. If they could do it, so could I. I thought about the history and how the castle had inspired the Disney Castle. I loved the picturesque countryside and open spaces with shoats roaming around willy-nilly, and the relaxed way of life with no rat race. No more rush, rush, rush. It was a mix of old and new here – the modern hotels and the traditional Cypriot way of life, the ancient buildings, rustic villages, and the up and coming tourist spots, which, when I thought about it, really made a refreshing change. It would take a long time for North Cyprus to catch up with the rest of the world in terms of convenience, but was that really such a bad thing? And more importantly, I thought about the simple life that Kalem had always wanted, where our kids could grow up in a safe environment, where we could get back to basics and nature. A place where we could grow and change and appreciate a more natural environment at a slower pace. Now the reasons to stay far outweighed the reasons not to. I’d be mad to go back to the UK.

  I looked up at them all, then fixed my eyes on Kalem. ‘We’re staying.’ I beamed.

  Kalem launched his arms around me and spun me round.

  ‘So now all that’s cleared up, do you want to know what I’ve been doing with the condoms?’ Deniz slurred and raised an eyebrow à la James Bond.

  ‘I do.’ Charlie giggled.

  ‘I don’t think that’s necessary, Dad.’ Ayshe pulled a face.

  Kalem tried to ignore him, suddenly finding the ground absolutely fascinating.

  Deniz swaggered back inside and retrieved an open hold-all bag. He deposited it on the patio and unzipped it. ‘Look in here.’

  Ayshe clamped her eyes shut, but curiosity got the better of the rest of us, and we peered inside. It was full to the brim of miniature spirits from the hotel mini-bar.

  Deniz looked pretty pleased with himself.

  ‘What’s that got to do with condoms? Have I missed something?’ Charlie seemed a bit disappointed.

  ‘He’s been winding the poor maid up.’ Yasmin shook her head. ‘He wanted her to think he was a super-stud, or something, so he kept taking out all the condoms from the mini-bar and hiding them in his bag. Every day the poor girl had to fill up the bar with more condoms.’

  ‘She wanted me.’ Deniz grinned. ‘I know when a woman wants me.’

  ‘Tonight he’s taken all the spirits out of the mini-bar and shoved all fifty-six packets of condoms back in.’ She gave Deniz an exasperated shake of her head. The poor maid will think she’s going mad like you.’

  ‘I love these miniatures. You can drink them anywhere!’ Deniz chuckled.

  ‘Thank God for that.’ A hand flew to my chest. ‘I thought you were going to kill each other with the amount of condoms you were using. Death by condom.’ I leaned closer to Deniz. ‘And I thought you were getting Alzheimer’s.’

  ‘Ha! He got that years ago, the crazy little man.’ Yasmin ruffled his hair affectionately.

  ‘So, no more talk of pec implants?’ I asked.

  Deniz rubbed his chest. ‘No, I’m perfect as I am. I’m definitely going to buy a subscription to Cosmopolitan, though. Wouldn’t want to miss out on a thing after reading that! Did you know that when a woman–’

  Someone knocked at the door, thankfully interrupting him.

  Deniz stumbled through the house to answer it.

  ‘Look at him! Don’t anyone give him any more whisky.’ Yasmin rolled her eyes to the sky, tutting at him as he swung the door open in a dramatic fashion and nearly fell backwards.

  ‘Ah, Ali, we were just talking about you.’ Deniz pulled him inside and led the way to the terrace.

  Ali nodded courteously to everyone and presented me with my wedding dress in a garment bag. ‘I think this is yours. I took the liberty of having it cleaned and pressed for you. I hope everything is OK with it.’

  I squealed with delight, taking it and pressing it to me. Woo hoo! I’d finally got it back. I felt along the stitching to make sure the lucky charm was still in place. Yes, it was still there. Hurrah. No more bad luck. Nothing could possibly spoil my perfect wedding now.

  ‘Super-freaking fabulous!’ Charlie clasped his hands. ‘That’s the final detail on my wedding list checked off.’

  I hugged Ali. ‘Thanks so much.’

  He looked embarrassed and patted me on the back. ‘No, it is me who should thank you.’ He took a little bow. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll leave you to your celebrations. As you can imagine, I have much work to be getting on with.’

  Chapter 22

  Kalem and I slept at his parents’ house that night, safely intertwined in each other's arms. Maybe it was traditionally bad luck for the groom to see the bride on the day of the wedding, but I figured that nothing else could possibly go wrong. And I didn’t want to let him go for a second after all that had happened.

  Ginger cat was ready and waiting outside the patio door when I got up. And she wasn’t alone.

  ‘Oh!’ I squeaked, staring at six kittens in varying shades of ginger and white. Shit, Kalem was going to freak!

  ‘What’s the matter?’ He slid his arms around my waist from behind, resting his head on my shoulder to see what had caught my eye. ‘What did I tell you? Now we’ll be feeding seven cats.’

  ‘But they’re so cute! And it must’ve been a good sign, Ginger turning up like that yesterday, because we managed to save Ibrahim.’ I slid open the door and cooed at the kittens. They jumped in fright as I knelt down on the ground, but then quickly succumbed to a stroke on the head. ‘Maybe Ginger really is a lucky, magic cat.’

  Ginger purred in reply.

  ‘So now we’ve got seven cats to feed.’ Kalem shook his head at me.

  ‘You were the one who wanted to get back to nature,’ I pointed out with a grin, traipsing into the kitchen with twenty-eight paws pattering on the tiles behind me. ‘And speaking of cats, did you phone Smoky’s owner?’

  ‘Yes, with all that was happening, I forgot to tell you. I’ve been trying to get hold of him but there’s been no a
nswer. I left a couple of messages on his answer phone.’

  I knelt down and played with the kittens. ‘Well, I thought it would be a little while at least before we had another mouth to feed, but it looks like we’ve now got a readymade family of seven.’

  ****

  At ten o’clock, Charlie picked Kalem up to get ready at the hotel with the boys and dropped off Ayshe and Yasmin.

  Yasmin brought a feast of food with her – enough for ten people. Warm freshly baked bread stuffed with black olives and cheese; green olives with lemon and garlic; hummus, jam, boiled eggs – courtesy of Osman’s mum – cold meats, hellim cheese made from Osman’s sheep’s milk, and pastries with various fillings. We filled our plates and sat on the terrace, chattering away with excitement about the day ahead.

  I couldn’t believe, after all that had happened, that it was finally my wedding day. I know I didn’t exactly have the kind of build up to the wedding that I’d planned all those months ago. But it was finally here. My perfect wedding was really going to happen after all the recent doubts.

  ‘OK, I need a shower, and then you can both help me get ready.’ I pushed my plate away, stuffed.

  ‘Oh, I’m so excited.’ Yasmin cleared away the plates. ‘Why don’t you let me read your Turkish coffee cup?’

  ‘NO!’ Ayshe and I yelled together.

  ‘No more coffee cups. Ever.’ I hugged her and dashed up the corridor before she could suggest it again. I’d had enough of Turkish coffee cup readings to last me a lifetime.

  I stepped in the bathroom with a tube of hair removal cream and liberally applied it to my legs and armpits. Guaranteed to remove all hairs in five minutes whilst moisturizing your skin, apparently. Mmm, smelled nice and flowery. OK, five minutes to wait until I was suitably defuzzed, so I leaned over the bath, grabbed the shower attachment, and lathered up my hair with shampoo. Three minutes later, my hair was caked in moisturizer, and I climbed in the bath, pulled across the shower screen, and turned on the water to blast everything off.

  Nothing happened.

  ‘Huh?’ I tried the tap again as the conditioner dripped down my forehead.

  Nothing. No water. ‘What’s going on? It was working a minute ago.’

  I tried again. Tap on. Nothing. Tap off. Wait. Tap on. Nothing.

  ‘No!’

  ‘There’s been a power cut,’ Yasmin yelled from the bottom of the corridor. ‘The water pump doesn’t work when there’s a power cut.’

  ‘How long will it be off for?’ I wiped away some of the conditioner that had now wormed its way into my eyes and was stinging like hell.

  ‘I don’t know. It could be hours.’

  ‘But I need to wash this stuff off now!’

  ‘You’ll have to jump in the swimming pool.’ Yasmin’s voice echoed out to me. ‘That’s the only way to get it off in a hurry. It might not come back on for ages.’

  I tried the tap again, frantically turning it on and off until it fell off in my hand.

  Shit!

  So there I was, lathered and creamed to within an inch of my life – so to speak – with a tap in my hand, and it looked like I had no choice but to jump in the pool and rinse it all off.

  ‘Great.’ I screwed the tap back on through half open, slitty eyes and, not wanting to mess up any towels, I stomped naked down the corridor like someone who’d been to a foam party for three days straight.

  By the time I’d got through the patio doors, my eyes felt they were on fire, and I had to keep them clamped shut. I took slow steps in the direction of where the pool was and stepped carefully in. Dunking myself underwater, I scrubbed at my hair and body to get the bloody stuff off. And when I finally resurfaced, I could open my eyes again.

  ‘Aggggggggggggggh!’ I screamed, clapping eyes on the Julio Iglesias customs guy at the other end of the garden, staring at me with his mouth wide open.

  ‘Aggggggggggggggh!’ he screamed back.

  I covered up my bits and bobs under the water. How embarrassing! And what was he doing here, anyway? Not only had he seen me naked, but he was probably about to arrest me for offences under the Custard Cream Act. Oh, no. Please, no.

  Yasmin and Ayshe rushed outside with a towel. Julio turned his back to me, so I could get out of the pool.

  ‘Who are you?’ Yasmin demanded.

  I wrapped the towel tightly around me and took another from Ayshe to wrap up my dripping hair.

  ‘I’m from the customs office.’ He waved his hands in the air in surrender mode.

  ‘Are you here to arrest me?’ I cried at his back.

  ‘No. I’m making a delivery!’

  ‘A delivery?’ What the hell was he talking about? Was he just lulling me into a false sense of security, so he could cart me off on my wedding day?

  ‘What sort of delivery?’ Ayshe asked suspiciously.

  ‘The cat. He’s in a cage in the car.’

  ‘What cat?’ Yasmin looked at me, confused.

  ‘Er…we accidentally had our neighbour’s cat, Smoky, in our container.’

  Yasmin’s hands flew to her face. ‘Oh! Animal smuggling is a serious offence,’ she whispered in my ear.

  OK, OK, as if I don’t know that already. Don’t remind him!

  ‘My wife says he’s OK to come home now. So I’m bringing him back to you, that’s all. We managed to speak to his owner, and he doesn’t want Smoky to be put in quarantine if he’s sent back to England. He wants you to keep him here.’ He cautiously turned around, checking the coast was clear of nudey bits.

  Oh, crap! This seemed to be turning into The Good Life after all. Still, poor little Smoky. He’d been through a horrible ordeal. It was the least I could do to pamper him with some tinned salmon and a cosy home. Now we had a ready made family of eight.

  ****

  Oh, my God! I thought I was going to faint. When Ayshe, Yasmin, and I arrived at Bellapais Abbey in our ribboned horse drawn carriage, I couldn’t believe how amazing it looked.

  The gardens in front of the abbey were decked out in white silk covered chairs for the ceremony, complete with bows and flowers on the back. The theme had continued in the restaurant beyond, styled in matching architecture, where our celebration meal would take place. Charlie was true to his word. No pink in sight.

  Kalem, hovering at the front of the row of chairs, turned and caught my eye. He looked fabulicious in a black suit and white shirt with a cream and yellow frangipani flower tucked into the button hole. Ooh, just wait until later, Kalem, I’ll show you what to do with the tutti fruiti body paint.

  He winked. I grinned.

  Deniz sat behind Kalem, sipping from a mini-bar bottle of Jack Daniels. He spied Yasmin and quickly screwed it up and stuffed it in his suit pocket. Sitting next to him was Osman. Kuzu, with a silver lead and a silver bow on her collar, had her own chair in between him and Osman’s mum, who was wearing her own wedding dress, which had actually scrubbed up quite well. Still, it looked better on her than it would on me. Charlie animatedly showed the registrar how to put the tape in the tape deck and press the play button, ready for Love Me Tender to croon out as I walked up the aisle.

  Ayshe, Yasmin, and I hovered at the entrance to the gardens, waiting for Charlie to appear and issue wedding plannerish instructions.

  ‘Yoo hoo!’ He waved a hand and hurried over to us. He planted a kiss on both cheeks, then stood back to examine me. ‘Super-freaking stunning!’

  Charlie hadn’t followed the no-pink rule himself. Pink skin-tight trousers, satin pink shirt that I could only describe as shocking, pink scarf draped around his neck, and pink leather shoes – I dreaded to think where he got those from. Still, at least his hair wasn’t pink as well, like it was at Ayshe’s wedding.

  ‘Have you got the rings?’ I asked.

  He patted his shocking pocket. ‘Check. Any other questions?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Right.’ He clasped his hands together. ‘The registrar is ready and waiting. The tape of Love Me Tender by Elvis is all
set to go. I’ve turned it up a bit because I think the sound may get lost in the acoustics of all these arches and corridors in the abbey. When you hear it, just walk through the archway to us and up the aisle. It’s all up to you now. Let your perfect wedding begin. You ready?’

  Hell, yeah! ‘Oh, yes. I’m so ready.’

  Charlie beckoned Deniz forward to come up and take my arm, as he was giving me away.

  ‘You look wonderful!’ Deniz smiled at me. ‘Exactly like a French Fancy!’

  If anyone else had said that, I would’ve been insulted. But Deniz thought that was a compliment, so I just gave him a kiss on the cheek and smiled back.

  Yasmin took her seat at the front next to Osman. Ayshe squeezed my hand and took up position as my maid of honour behind me. Charlie scuttled off and stood next to Kalem for best man duties.

  Charlie nodded at me for approval.

  I nodded back.

  Deniz linked my arm.

  ‘And cue music.’ Charlie pointed to the registrar who hit the play button on the tape deck.

  Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone when the morning comes. When the night is over like a bat of hell I’ll be gone, gone, gone.

  Yasmin fell off her chair at the sound of Meatloaf rocking out full blast from the speakers – ouch! Osman’s mum jumped half a foot in the air. Osman shielded Kuzu’s ears. Charlie flustered around, trying to find the off button. The registrar looked at everyone, bewildered, wondering if this was supposed to happen. And Kalem turned around to me with an amused smile.

  Ayshe and I threw our heads back and roared with laughter. I’d come this far – a tiny mix-up with the wedding music wasn’t going to spoil anything now.

  ‘Sorry! Don’t panic, slight technical hitch.’ Charlie pulled out the tape, turned it around so it was playing the other side, and slotted it back in. ‘OK, this is the right track.’

  Love me tender, love me do...

  This was it. This was finally it.

  I glided under the scented arches on Deniz’s arm with my best friend behind me and my nan smiling down at me. My green eyes were glued to Kalem’s brown ones.