Being Jamie Baker

by Kelly Oram

  “In that case, I’ll never give up my secret.”

  “Seriously, though, Ryan, tell me something about yourself. You know everything about me, but you’re as much of a mystery to me as I am to anybody else.” I felt my neck heat up and looked away, hoping he wouldn’t notice the blush. “Please?” I whispered shyly. “I want to understand you too.”

  I glanced back at Ryan when he didn’t say anything, and he seemed to be a million miles from where I was all of a sudden, lost in his own world.

  Just when I thought he wouldn’t open up to me, he said, “It’s because of my dad.” His eyes stayed glossy, and they never left the water.

  “I should have figured. Self-help guru and all.”

  “Not Gene—my real dad.” Ryan finally broke his stare to smile at me. “Gene’s a great guy, and I guess he has helped me a lot. That’s probably where I get my confidence. But the mild temperament comes from my father.”

  I suddenly realized I didn’t know what had happened to his dad. I didn’t know if his parents were divorced or if he had died. I didn’t even know how long ago Ryan’s mom got remarried. I was afraid I was bringing up really painful memories, but I was so curious I couldn’t tell him to stop.

  “My dad isn’t a bad guy necessarily, but he was so miserable when he lived with us. Everything was such a big deal to him, and he would pick a fight over the tiniest things. If my mom somehow looked at him funny, if she answered the phone while they were talking, if I spilled my juice on the table or dropped a pass when we were playing catch… He was always yelling and making my mom upset over the most ridiculous things. By the time my parents got divorced they were fighting with each other ninety-nine percent of the time. I spent most of my time hiding out at friends’ houses or in my room.

  “Mom joined a yoga class after my dad left, as a way to deal with everything, and this woman in her class dragged her to one of Gene’s seminars. Gene changed my mom’s life, but it’s the memories of my dad that make me the way I am. It’s just not worth it to be so stressed and angry about everything. Life’s generally not so bad—most people just choose to see the negative.”

  Ryan stopped for a minute, smiled nervously at me, and then said, “It’s kind of like you. You’ve been through a lot and have legitimate problems to worry about, but do you even try to see the good things? You were given a second chance at life, Jamie. Everything about you is a walking, talking miracle, but you’re wasting it.”

  And I thought my parents were good with the guilt trips…

  I started to cry, and to be honest I don’t think Ryan was surprised at all. “You’re right,” I said. “I am wasting it. I hate my life. Every single day a part of me wishes I didn’t survive that accident.”

  “It doesn’t have to be that way.”

  “Yeah but, Ryan, I’m not like you. I don’t know how to just shake things off like they don’t matter. What if I can’t change?”

  Ryan grabbed another lightbulb from his bag. “You’ve already started the process.”

  Tears were falling fiercely down my face, but I smiled through them and even let go this half sob, half laugh. I wanted to throw my arms around him, but the last time I did that he missed a day of school, so instead I wiped the tears from my cheeks.

  “How many of those did you bring?” I asked, pointing to the lightbulb.

  Ryan smiled, grateful to see my good mood return. “Let’s just say I came prepared.”

  * * * * *

  CHAPTER 13

  Having to find excuses for all the time I spent with Ryan over the next few weeks wasn’t really much of a problem—since my accident I’d constantly been taking off for hours at a time, claiming I needed a little peace and quiet—but my parents’ fridge was becoming even more crowded. Every time I had “practice,” as Ryan called it, I made sure to take a minute to collect another magnet. I don’t know if I was trying to produce a stable alibi, or if I was just hoping to ease some of the guilt I felt for lying to my parents.

  I felt bad, but I hung out with Ryan anyway. Aside from the fact that I was sort of addicted to him, he really was helping me, and that was too important to ignore. The more we tested my powers, the more aware my body became of them. I physically felt like I had a better understanding of how they worked and what my limitations were.

  Still, no matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to separate the power from all my stupid emotions. With every little mood swing all control would fly out the window. If Ryan looked at me the wrong way, I lost it. If Ryan looked at me the right way, I lost it. And whenever he tried to kiss me, something usually blew up. Someone ought to teach him a little control.

  So we gave the powers a rest, and instead Ryan taught me some of his stepdad’s theories on stress management and herbal supplements. He also showed me proper meditation techniques. We did yoga together, and even though I felt ridiculous, I couldn’t deny the positive effects living a healthier lifestyle were having on me.

  My dad noticed the changes too, and completely floored me one Saturday evening with a hefty gift certificate to Barnes & Noble, of all places. “What’s this for?” I asked, unable to fathom his reasons for giving it to me.

  “Well, I know technically you still haven’t made any friends or gotten a job, but you’ve been a different girl these last few weeks, so I’m letting you off the hook.”

  “What’s the catch?” Yeah, I was suspicious. My dad doesn’t just back down from stuff. I totally get my stubbornness from him.

  “No catch,” he insisted. “We only wanted you to do those things because you seemed so miserable, but you’ve been so much happier lately that even though you didn’t do it my way, you still earned your freedom.”

  “So I’m not grounded anymore?” I was still waiting for the punch line.

  “Not grounded anymore.”

  “And what about Ryan?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Am I still forbidden to talk to him?”

  “Jamie, I wasn’t grounding you from Ryan as punishment, it’s just that it’s too—”

  “Dad,” I interrupted, not needing to hear what I knew he was going to say. “You’ve got to see that there are going to be risks no matter who I choose to talk to. Whether it’s Ryan now or someone else who gets to know me in the future. Either I stay locked up in this house forever and make sure that no one ever learns the truth, or I make friends and risk someone finding out. I can’t have it both ways. But believe me, if there’s anybody that doesn’t want the world to figure out I’m a freak, it’s me.”

  My parents both frowned at my use of the word “freak,” but I never broke my concentration. I gave my dad the most earnest smile I had in me. “I’m the one this happened to. It’s my secret, my life. You’ve got to give me a little more trust that I know what I’m doing.”

  This seemed to make my dad think about it, but he was still clearly not convinced. I knew I couldn’t just drop it and hoped I could get through this speech without blushing. “You said you wanted me to be happy.” I shrugged sheepishly when I had both my parents looking at me intently. “Ryan makes me happy. It’s not even his fault. The kid just has a gift. He makes everyone happy. He’s my best friend, my only friend, and I need him.”

  So much for not blushing. I felt my face heat up, and my shyness on the subject finally unlocked the tears of joy my mother had been trying so hard to hold back. Talk about embarrassing. “Oh, for heaven’s sake, Stan!” she whined.

  My dad was quiet for a minute, and then finally sighed. “Honey, if he’s responsible for the changes in you,” he said, giving me a wary smile, “then I’m grateful to him. I guess if it’s really what you need, then I trust you. Just promise me that you’ll be careful about this.”

  I managed not to squeal in my moment of bliss, but I bounded into his arms and practically knocked him off his feet. “Thanks, Daddy!” I squeaked as I kissed his cheek. “I promise my secret will stay as safe as it’s always been.”

  I kissed him on the c
heek again. I couldn’t help it. I was just so relieved to have my dad’s approval. This time he chuckled lightly and hugged me back.

  “So, can I go over to Ryan’s for a little while?” I asked when I pulled away from him. “Tell him the good news?”

  After another long sigh, my dad’s smile finally faded. “Fine, go,” he said. “Just be careful!”

  This time I rolled my eyes at the warning. “Ryan’s a really, really good person, Dad. You’ll see. There’s nothing to be worried about, I promise.”

  “That’s not what I mean,” he said, putting on his best dad face. “He’s still a seventeen-year-old boy.”

  I laughed when I realized what he was talking about. “Don’t worry, Dad. If he doesn’t keep his hands to himself, I’ll just zap him.” I winked, and then I blew out the door before he could change his mind.

  I was so giddy that I didn’t bother driving to Ryan’s house. I had no need to keep up appearances with him, and a car just wasn’t fast enough. And since this was the first time I’d made the effort to see him without him practically forcing me to, he was pleasantly stunned when he found me on his doorstep. “Jamie! What are you doing here?”

  “I have good news.”

  Ryan responded immediately, with an excited puppylike quality. “You’re finally ready to promote me to boyfriend status?”

  “Of course not.” I laughed. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “You’re going to show me your eyes?”

  “Nice try.”

  He pouted for only a second, but then his face lit up again. “You learned how to fly?”

  That one was so unexpected it stopped my train of thought. “What?”

  “Come on—that would be awesome and you know it.”

  “Well, I am pretty amazing,” I teased, “but I doubt even I could ever defy gravity.”

  Ryan laughed as he pulled me into his house. He then immediately locked the door behind us like he was trying to keep me from escaping. “Okay, then,” he said cautiously. I think he wasn’t quite convinced yet that I was actually there. “So what is this really good news?”

  “I came to let you know that you are no longer off limits.”

  “Really!” Ryan’s eyebrows flew up with excited curiosity, and the next thing I knew, his arms were secure around my waist.

  “Don’t get any bright ideas, Romeo. We’re still star-crossed lovers.” I peeled his hands off my hips and laughed when he frowned at the distance I put between us. “I am still completely off limits to you. I just meant that my dad has lifted the Ryan ban, and I’m now technically allowed to hang out with you.”

  “Oh.”

  I don’t think my news was as good for him as it was for me. He was pouting rather pathetically.

  “I don’t have to lie anymore,” I said, trying to get the excitement back. “I have to admit, though, practice probably won’t be nearly as fun now. The sneaking around was kind of hot.”

  Ryan had no witty comeback this time. He just gave me one of those looks. The dangerous kind that turns my brain to mush and makes me agree to whatever he wants. “Whatever this mood you’re in is,” he said, taking a step closer to me, “I really like it.”

  I would never have admitted it to him, but I really did too. I was in a great mood, but I surprised even myself with my reply. “Well then, you’re going to love this,” I said, closing the distance between us for once. “Let’s go out.”

  “What?” Ryan was so sure he’d heard me wrong that the look of shock didn’t come until after I’d repeated myself.

  “Let’s go out,” I said again. “All we ever do together is practice. We never just hang out. Let’s forget my powers for once, and go see a movie or play minigolf or something.”

  Ryan actually staggered backward. If it weren’t for the fact that he was completely speechless and couldn’t close his gaping mouth, I would have thought he was trying to be funny. The fact that he was serious made it not just funny but hilarious. I couldn’t help my laughter. “If you’re not in the mood,” I teased, “maybe another time.”

  I reached for the handle on the front door, and Ryan’s fingers fell on top of mine before I could twist it. “Are you asking me to take you on a date?” he asked, still staring very wide-eyed at me.

  “If you call spending the evening with me having fun in a very platonic, strictly hands-off, absolutely-no-kissing-at-the-end-of-the-night kind of way a date, then yes. I believe that’s what I’m asking you to do. That is, if you don’t have anything better to do tonight. I do realize that this is Saturday night, and you are Ryan Miller.”

  Ryan pulled my hand away from the door and said, “Actually, there’s this big party tonight and it would be a great chance for you to—”

  I put my finger to Ryan’s lips. He was so surprised by my casual touch—unnecessary contact was usually his job—that his words caught in his throat.

  “Not a chance,” I said. “I know all about Mike Driscoll’s party, and I am not going.”

  I removed my finger from his lips and he immediately started to argue, so I clamped my whole hand over his mouth. “No way,” I warned. “I understand if you need to be there—he’s your best friend and all.” Ryan nodded his head vigorously beneath my fingers. “But, practice or no practice, if I had to spend an entire evening with Mike, Becky and Paige, I’d probably kill someone. On purpose.”

  Ryan’s face fell at my statement and I felt myself starting to melt. So I took a page out of the Ryan Miller handbook and pouted. Pathetically.

  I released a sigh that would have made even my father give me what I wanted. “It’s okay,” I said. “We can go out some other time.”

  I reluctantly pulled my hand away from Ryan, and he reached out—as I’d hoped he would—to stop me from leaving. “Mike does throw parties all the time,” he said hesitantly. “I’m sure he’ll understand if I miss just one.”

  I smiled at my victory. But when Ryan matched my smile and brought my fingers back to his lips to kiss them, I blushed.

  That was the last time I blushed that whole night, though. Ryan was the perfect “strictly platonic” gentleman. I admit he handled himself way better than I thought he could. He opened every door, refused to let me pay for anything, and didn’t lay a single finger on me all night. Absolutely no physical contact whatsoever, which is definitely not the norm for him.

  He was so well behaved that it was almost disappointing. But then, the California State Railroad Museum isn’t exactly the most romantic place in the world. That’s right, for our first date Ryan took me to Old Sacramento, where we pulled taffy, panned for fools gold, and, you guessed it, toured the railroad museum.

  Ah, Sacramento—the city of love…

  All right, the horse drawn carriage ride past the capitol was pretty romantic. But even then Ryan made no attempt to touch me, much less kiss me. I think he looked at this date as some sort of test or maybe some kind of barrier he’d finally gotten over, and he didn’t want to lose any ground.

  I didn’t mind having to settle for only kissing Ryan in my dreams afterward because that one night of normalcy was more than I could have asked for. I had such a great time—only Ryan Miller could make hanging at the train museum on a Saturday night cool—that I was sure my awesome, carefree mood was going to last forever.

  I was wrong. My bubble burst the minute I got to school on Monday. Ryan was already there, and he was talking to Mike and Paige in the quad. I heard them from the parking lot, and yeah, I have superhearing, but after a few minutes anyone could have heard them from the parking lot. Well, heard Paige anyway.

  It started out simple enough, with Paige in her sickeningly innocent—which never fools anyone—voice, asking Ryan how his weekend was. “Missed you Saturday night.”

  “Thanks. It’s always nice to be missed.”

  Ha! That response was so Ryan. I don’t think Paige appreciated it like I did, though, and Mike clearly wasn’t happy with it. “I can’t believe you bailed on my party,” he grumble
d.

  “Sorry, dude, something important came up,” Ryan said, seeming unfazed by Mike’s anger. “I’ll make it up to you, though. I’ll see if I can talk Gene into letting us take the boat out to the lake this weekend.”

  “I called you like fifty times. What was so important that you had to ditch your best friend?” Mike demanded.

  “I was out with Jamie.”

  I was surprised to hear Ryan get defensive, and I think Mike was too, because he quit pushing. Paige, on the other hand…

  “You weren’t home on Sunday either,” she said pointedly. “I was going to see if you wanted to do something.”

  Ryan’s voice was almost too polite when he said, “Sorry I missed you. I was at my stepdad’s cabin all day Sunday. Another time though, I promise.”

  That’s when Paige snapped her cap. It was quite shocking actually. Years of trying so desperately, and failing so miserably, caught up with her, and she simply couldn’t take it anymore. “Yeah, right,” she grumbled bitterly.

  “What?” I could hear the confusion in Ryan’s voice as well as the hurt.

  “I said, yeah, right!” she yelled. “That’s just your way of blowing me off again. Ryan, if you don’t want to go out with me, then just say so.”

  There was silence for a moment and then Ryan said, “I’m sorry, Paige.” He was being sincere, but that wasn’t going to help him any. Not with Paige. “You’re a great friend, but I’m not really looking for anything else.”

  “You mean just not from me! You’re not looking for anything else from me.”

  I could hear Ryan swallow a lump in his throat. The poor guy was probably sweating. “Yes,” he said calmly. “That’s what I mean.”

  Individually, every gasp that followed Ryan’s confession was relatively quiet, but there were apparently enough people watching the spectacle that collectively the sound practically shook the walls. Well, that and Paul Warren yelling, “Oh, snap!” loud enough to rattle my focused ears.

  Paige was obviously too upset to speak, but Mike came to her defense. “That was harsh, dude. What’s your problem?”