Being Jamie Baker

by Kelly Oram

  Ryan sighed. “She asked for the truth.”

  I cold hear Paige sniffling, and then Ryan turned his voice to almost a whisper. “I’m sorry, Paige. I just don’t see anything ever working out between us.”

  “You’ve never given us a chance!” Paige sobbed.

  “What do you want from me, Paige? You’re just not the right girl for me.” Ryan said, trying to make his voice sound strong again.

  “And the freak is?” Paige screamed. She sounded like she’d stopped crying now, and her voice was so full of anger that even I would have been afraid of her. “Oh, don’t deny it, Ryan! It’s so obvious it makes me sick! You like Jamie! The girl’s a freak! An ice queen! She’s not capable of having feelings! She’s just using you to hurt me and trying to make herself popular. Was that one kiss really worth giving up all your friends to try to hook up with some slut who will never care about you anyway?”

  “Jamie’s not a freak—stop calling her that. And you’re not losing me as a friend, Paige. I’ve always been your friend. I’m still your friend. Why can’t I be Jamie’s friend too?”

  “I don’t know, man. Paige has a point.”

  I’d almost forgotten Mike was involved in this fight, but now, even though he wasn’t yelling, he seemed even angrier than before.

  “What? What have I done that’s so bad?” Ryan finally sounded exasperated. “I said I was sorry I missed your party on Saturday.”

  “The party on Saturday? Try everything for the last two or three weeks! Loner chick is rubbing off on you. You’re losing major points, bro.”

  “Oh, I’m losing points? Becky won’t even look at you now.”

  “At least I gave her a shot.”

  “You didn’t give her a shot. You used her to get a little action, then dumped her the next day.”

  “If Becky didn’t want a hook-up, then she shouldn’t have gone to the dance with me.”

  Paige suddenly exploded back into the conversation. “Who cares about Becky? This isn’t about Becky! It’s about you, Ryan. You’re changing, and it’s all because of that freak, Jamie Baker!”

  “Can you blame me?” Ryan yelled. “All I ever get from you guys anymore is this crap!” There was a pause, and then Ryan let out an angry breath. “Forget this.”

  I’d never seen Ryan lose his temper before. Okay, heard Ryan lose his temper. I still hadn’t seen this because I was hiding in my car. Not that I’m a coward, but I seriously doubt my showing up just then would have made things better for anyone.

  Suddenly Mike’s voice rang out. “Hey, Miller!”

  There was a loud smack. The sound of fist hitting bone sent a chill through my heart, and I immediately got out of my car.

  “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that. It’s good to finally have a reason,” Mike said, confirming my fears that Ryan had just been punched.

  “It’s a good thing you did,” Ryan spat in the most menacing voice I’d ever heard. “It’s nice to know who my real friends are. Jamie may be antisocial, but at least she doesn’t pretend to be your friend to your face and then trash you when you leave the room.”

  “Don’t worry. I won’t bother to wait till you’re gone anymore. Have fun in Loserville with Baker. We’re done!”

  The commotion ended. I could hear the crowd dispersing, and as people made their way to their classes, they were murmuring about the scene they’d just witnessed, all trying to decide who was right.

  It sounded like the school was about to be split into two opposing forces. I already knew which side I was on, but as I made my way through the parking lot I was torn up inside. I was happy that Ryan had finally realized what Mike and Paige were really like, but I knew he was hurt, and I hated that. I loved that he’d defended me, and even chosen me over them, but I hated that I was the cause of his fight. He’d done so much for me, and here I was tearing his happy little world down.

  None of my happiness was worth Ryan’s pain and suffering. I was just like Paige. I could be every bit as mean as she was, and I wasn’t worthy of Ryan. I didn’t know what to do about it, but I knew that Ryan shouldn’t be alone right now, so I headed straight for the quad and prayed that Paige and Mike would be long gone before I got there. They were, and so was most of the school because first period was about to start, but Ryan was not alone. Becky beat me to him.

  I froze when I saw them together. They made such a beautiful picture that I nearly cried. They weren’t saying anything, just hugging each other in an embrace so intimate it could have been a Hallmark card. Ryan was trembling—with anger or hurt, I couldn’t tell—and there were tears streaming down Becky’s face.

  I wanted to be jealous, and I was, but not for the reason most girls would be. Their hug was one of old friends, comforting each other because they were hurting equally. I wasn’t jealous that Becky was hugging Ryan, I was jealous that she could. I couldn’t hold Ryan like that. I couldn’t be close to him. Ryan was dying for a relationship, but I couldn’t give that to him.

  Ryan and Becky stood there for what seemed like forever. And for as long as they held each other, I stood there, watching. I felt like I should give them their privacy, but I was unable to make myself look away. Becky was the first to move.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, pulling back from Ryan’s arms to assess his eye. It was already turning purple.

  “I’m fine.” Ryan sighed. “Shiners are sexy, right?”

  Becky laughed once through her tears and shook her head, forcing Ryan to sigh again. “At least he didn’t break my nose. I can’t believe he hit me.”

  “He’s a jerk,” Becky argued.

  “I guess I deserved it. I shouldn’t have gone off like that.”

  “You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.”

  “But they’ve been my friends for so long.”

  “Forget them, Ryan,” Becky whispered, hugging her arms tightly around his waist again. “They deserve each other. And you deserve better friends.”

  “You’re still my friend, right?”

  “Only the best since second grade.” Becky pulled back and smiled up at Ryan. “That’s never going to change.”

  They laughed as they hugged each other again, but Becky’s smile quickly faded. “Thanks for sticking up for me.”

  “Mike’s an idiot. I should have kicked his butt weeks ago. But I thought it would all just blow over, you know?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Sorry.”

  “No.” Becky sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause a fight.”

  “Don’t worry about it. That fight was really about Jamie anyway.”

  A sharp pain ripped through me as I watched Ryan drag Becky off in the direction of her first class. It was one thing for me to think I was ruining his life, but it was entirely another to hear him confirm it.

  I had to get out of there. I turned around and headed right back to the parking lot. I could still hear Ryan and Becky talking as I walked. “Ryan, about Jamie,” Becky started to say. It was clear from her tone that she wasn’t exactly thrilled with our friendship either.

  “Let’s not talk about Jamie right now,” Ryan interrupted her. “I’ve already had enough arguments for one day.”

  “But she’s…”

  I don’t know what made her stop her sentence, but instead of repeating all the things Paige called me earlier, all she said was, “I’m just worried about you.”

  “Don’t be” was the last thing I heard before I started my car and sped away from school.

  I went home, and my face was so pale it was easy to convince my parents that I didn’t feel well. I might as well have had a legitimate illness because I was miserable all day. Sure, it was self-inflicted suffering, but I doubt even the nastiest virus could have made me feel worse.

  I fell asleep after lunch and didn’t wake up again until there was a soft knock at the door. I said, “Come in,” assuming it was my mother checking on me for the millionth time, and didn’t open my eyes until I realized
that the hand pushing my hair back was much too big to be my mother’s. “How are you feeling?” Ryan asked softly when my eyes flew open. “Your mom said you’re sick.”

  I had too many questions to figure out which to ask first, so instead I just reacted on instinct and gasped at the awful bruise covering the right side of his face. “Your eye!”

  He gave me a lopsided grin. “Sexy, right?”

  I couldn’t even laugh—it looked that awful. “It looks painful.”

  “It’s not so bad.”

  Ryan didn’t elaborate at all, and I didn’t know what else to say, so I started asking my questions. “What are you doing here?”

  “You weren’t at school. I was worried.”

  After everything he’d been through today, he was worried about me? It was so sweet, and yet it made me feel that much worse. How could he still be giving me that carefree smile? He had to be hurting. I wanted to ask, but I didn’t want to be the first to bring it up. “Shouldn’t you be at practice right now?”

  Ryan’s smile turned sheepish, and he pointed to the bruise on his face. “Driscoll and I got suspended for the rest of the week. That includes all school-related activities. Coach was so mad he burst a capillary in his eye.”

  I couldn’t believe he was laughing. I didn’t think it was funny. “Why did you get suspended? Mike was the only one who punched anybody.”

  “How do you know I didn’t beat his butt to the ground for it? You weren’t at school today.”

  Oops. “I was until your best friend punched you on account of me. After that I was pretty sure nobody wanted to see me there.”

  “I did.”

  “You don’t count.”

  Instead of a pout, Ryan gave me another smirk. “I thought I was the only one who did count.”

  I sighed. “Ryan.” I was upset, and it took me a minute to steady my voice. “Mike was right. Not about you being a jerk, but you have been spending a lot of time with me lately. You’re losing your friends over me, and I can’t handle that. Maybe we should stop hanging out.”

  Ryan gave me a very no-nonsense look, but he wasn’t angry with me. “You’ll have to kill me first.”

  Again, I didn’t think it was funny, but this time he wasn’t joking. “Nobody is losing anything. Paige is just jealous, and Mike’s always looking for a fight. They’ll get over it as soon as they get to know you. Everything will be fine, you’ll see.”

  “What do you mean, when they get to know me? Nobody’s getting to know me.”

  “I thought that was the reason for all the practice, so you could have enough control to be safe around people. You’re doing so much better now that I just assumed you’d want to start meeting other people.”

  “Wrong.”

  “But why? I thought you wanted to have friends. Live a normal life.”

  “If that means hanging out with Mike and Paige, then thanks but no thanks.”

  “Jamie.” It was his turn to sigh. “You’ve got to get over yourself. You can’t just hate everyone all the time. You’re just scared, but there’s really nothing for you to be afraid of.”

  “Easy for you to say. You’re Ryan Miller! You’re perfect! I’m a freak, remember?”

  “I wish you would quit saying that.”

  “Why deny what I am?”

  “You’re not a freak, but I meant I wish you would stop calling me perfect. I’ve got plenty of issues.”

  “Like?”

  “Like my need to be perfect? I make people like me because I care so much what they think about me that I do whatever it takes. I put up with Paige even though she drives me crazy because I’d rather go nuts than have her not like me. I don’t even really like football all that much, but I play because I know it’s what my dad likes best about me, and even though he left, I still need his approval.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Ryan? Self-conscious? It couldn’t be.

  “It’s sick the things I do just to make other people happy. I’ve always admired you, Jamie, since your first day of school here. I was standing next to Mike when he asked you out, and you laughed at him like he was crazy. I didn’t understand how anybody could do that, but you really didn’t care what he thought of you. You didn’t care what anybody thought. You have no idea how much I wish I could be more like you.”

  I was stunned speechless. Literally. Without speech.

  “You must be rubbing off on me,” Ryan teased after it was clear I wasn’t going to respond, “because I’m not giving you up for anything, no matter how many people I make unhappy over it.” He smiled playfully, but the look faded quickly. “I really wish you’d make an attempt to get to know my friends. I know it’s hard to believe, but they really aren’t bad people.”

  He smiled at me and then quickly pressed his lips to my forehead before standing up from my bed. “Think about it, please. Besides the fact that it would be good for you, they mean a lot to me, and I would love for you to know them.”

  When he said that, all I could see was him and Becky in each other’s arms. They didn’t mean a lot to him, she meant a lot to him. Maybe she should.

  Ryan had come over to see if I was feeling any better, but all his visit did was make me feel worse. “Get some rest,” he said, concerned by the new look of despair suddenly prominent on my face. He waited for a moment before stepping out of my room, hoping I might tell him what I was thinking, but when I didn’t, he forced one last smile. “Don’t forget we said practice on Sunday. I’ll pick you up at ten.”

  * * * * *

  CHAPTER 14

  Thanks to Mike and his itchy punching fist, I hadn’t seen Ryan all week, and I was stuck with nothing but my thoughts to entertain me at school. Not good. All I could think about was his fight and how it was my fault.

  And then, of course, there was Becky. She was still just as withdrawn as she’d been for weeks now, but she seemed more content to be that way. I knew the change could only be because of what happened with Ryan, and that got me thinking even more.

  By the time Ryan showed up Sunday morning, just as he’d promised, I was completely out of it. Seeing him should have cheered me up, not depressed me even more, especially when he demanded we work out together. You see, there’s Ryan Miller, and then there’s Ryan Miller working out. Shirtless, sweat glistening on his hard skin, slow focused breathing forcing his chest to expand just as his abdomen tightens around each individual muscle in it… It should have been enough to scorch my eyes and render me useless, but I didn’t even notice the perfection in front of me.

  I didn’t realize just how somber I was until Ryan pulled me from my thoughts with a chuckle. “You know,” he said, now merely using his bench press as a front-row seat to witness my workout. “I think you were right. Making you work out was a really bad idea.”

  “Why?” I frowned at the truck I was bench-pressing. Ryan had spent the last three weeks trying to convince me that I needed to work on my super-strength. He said that for a superhero I was “superwimpy.”

  “Aside from the fact that the F-250 you’re pumping is making me feel extremely inadequate,” Ryan said, “I’m afraid that if you don’t stop doing that, you’re going to end up throwing it at me.”

  “Why would I throw a truck at you?”

  “Because you usually get really cranky when I try to kiss you, and if you don’t stop looking so downright sexy, I’m going to have to do just that.”

  I took a slow breath, lowered the truck, and pushed it high above me again. As I did, I could feel my ponytail sticking to the back of my neck. I was sure I looked anything but sexy, and Ryan seemed to be able to read my thoughts. “I’ve never seen you break a sweat before,” he confessed. “It’s got my mind in the gutter big-time.”

  The heat I felt in my neck now was from embarrassment instead of a raised heartbeat. I sneaked a quick glance at Ryan’s face and suddenly felt like the sports bra and workout shorts I had on were not nearly enough clothes. On the bright side, I forgot about sulking. “Qu
it objectifying me right now, or I will throw this truck at you! Go take a cold shower or something while I finish.”

  “I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t you call it quits and come in the hot tub with me.”

  “Oh yeah, that’s a brilliant idea. Why don’t you just take a soak with a blow dryer?”

  Ryan gave me an annoyed glare, but dropped the subject and gulped down a bottle of water before throwing himself down on the patio swing and closing his eyes.

  I continued my workout in silence for a few minutes. It was so peaceful at Ryan’s cabin that I never minded when things got quiet between us, but as I listened to the nature around me I noticed a strange noise that didn’t seem to fit in with the sounds of the woods. “Do you hear that?” I asked before realizing what a dumb question that was. Of course he couldn’t hear it; I could barely hear it.

  “Hear what?”

  “A really quiet humming noise. I can’t exactly place it, but I’ve never heard it out here before.” I set the truck carefully back on the ground and listened again.

  “It’s probably just a boat down on the lake,” Ryan offered.

  It didn’t sound like a motor to me. It almost sounded electronic. But as soon as I’d put the truck down it stopped. “The lake is behind the house—this noise was coming from out there.”

  I pointed to the forest in front of the house and scanned the trees again, but I didn’t see anything. Whatever it was, it was gone now, so I joined Ryan on the front porch with a heavy sigh. “Maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me. I tend to get a little paranoid when I’m doing things like lifting trucks out in the open.”

  Ryan sat up, making room for me next to him on the swing. When I sat down he put his arm around me, and I didn’t fight him. We’d been practicing so much lately that I was less of a stickler about him touching me, and I knew I was okay at the moment.

  “All right, then,” he said, obviously happy that I hadn’t shrugged him off, “why don’t we work on something a little more subtle if you’re worried? How about your hearing? I’ll start singing, and you go for a jog. Call me when you can’t hear me anymore. That’s not so obvious as bench-pressing my truck.”