Being Jamie Baker

by Kelly Oram

  My smile faded when the group stopped and I heard Paige’s shrill voice. “I swear, Becky! You’re a half second late on the entire routine, your handsprings are sloppy, and you haven’t landed your dismount in weeks. If you don’t get it together, you’re out! The qualifier for the state championships will be here before you know it, and as captain it’s my job to not let you ruin it for everyone. Let’s do it again! Everyone, from the top!”

  Okay, I could never tolerate Paige either, but Becky? I didn’t harbor any real resentment toward her. And today in class, with Amy, Allysa, and even Scott? Surely it wouldn’t kill me to smile at any of them once in a while. I didn’t have to be friends with them necessarily; I just had to be civilized. I could do civilized.

  I sat there watching and listening and mostly thinking until practice was over, and I decided that I had to start with Becky. She was still the most popular girl in school, at least for now, and she meant the most to Ryan. Building some kind of relationship with her would make the most difference.

  I felt sick to my stomach, but I knew I had no choice, so I took a deep breath and headed back to school. I waited around the corner from the locker room doors, sort of behind the bleachers. I figured it’d be best to catch her alone, but I wasn’t the only one with that idea. Becky was the last to drag herself from the field, and right before she reached the girls’ locker room, Mike grabbed her by the arm. “What was all that back there with Ryan? What have you been saying to him?” he growled.

  “You mean did I tell him what you did to me after the homecoming dance?” she hissed, yanking her arm free from his grip.

  “I didn’t do anything to you that you didn’t ask for.”

  “Right.”

  “Is that what you told Ryan? Is that why he won’t even talk to me?”

  My anger was raging inside of me as I listened to their conversation. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it before. Ever since the dance, all of Becky’s odd behavior, her clear hatred for the guy she’d happily gone to the dance with, it suddenly all made sense. And I wanted to kill Mike for it.

  “Leave me alone!” Becky screamed, but Mike stopped her again.

  “Did you say anything to Ryan or not?”

  “No, all right?” Becky screamed again. “You think I want the entire school to know what you did to me? So everyone can stare at me funny and talk about me behind my back? No thanks.”

  “They wouldn’t believe you anyway.”

  “Yeah, well, I haven’t told anyone, so just forget it! I know that’s what I want to do.” Becky had tears in her eyes now, and she jerked herself free from Mike again. “Don’t ever touch me again!”

  “Well, if you didn’t say anything, then what the hell is Miller’s problem?”

  “Are you dense? The guy is head over heels for Jamie, and you told the entire school that she killed her boyfriend. She actually cried in English today. Of course Ryan’s mad at you!”

  This news seemed to amuse Mike. As if I didn’t want to kill him enough already? “No way! She cried?” He laughed.

  “You are such a jerk,” Becky said with utter disgust. “Stay away from me.”

  Becky took off without bothering to hit the locker room, and since I was a few volts shy of a lightning storm, I had to sit down. It was going to take Buddha himself to calm me down, so I went back to my hill and tried to breathe. I sat there for fifteen minutes until the football players and the cheerleaders began to trickle out of the locker rooms one by one.

  When Mike was the first person to come out, I simply couldn’t help myself. I knew I’d decided to resurrect my inner Jamielynn for Ryan’s sake, but I thought this particular situation called for the ice queen just one last time. I had the emotions under control again, so I flew down to the school and leaned against the end of the bleachers just before Mike got there. “Hey,” I said casually as he walked past.

  Mike was a little startled to see me, but his curiosity got the better of him and he stopped. “What are you doing here?”

  I didn’t answer his question. “Why did you help me?” I asked instead. Mike looked confused, so I elaborated. “The day that reporter was harassing me in the parking lot, why did you help me?”

  Mike kept an excellent poker face. I couldn’t read it at all. “Seemed like the thing to do,” he said, shrugging.

  “So why did you tell the whole school about my accident?”

  He shrugged again. “Seemed like the thing to do.”

  Mike still seemed completely casual, but I could keep my cool too. I nodded understandingly. “Is your beef with Ryan really about me?” I asked with a friendly smile. “You always seemed fine with the idea of him nailing me before. You encouraged him even.”

  “That was before you turned him into your little ice king.”

  “So it has nothing to do with the fact that he got on your case about Becky?”

  Mike flinched beneath his perfect expression. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Oh, he knew exactly what I was talking about. I could see it in his eyes. “Man,” I said. “The guilt is really eating away at you, isn’t it?” His eyes narrowed, but I kept going. “Or is it fear I’m seeing? Are you afraid that your best friend is going to figure out that you raped his best friend?”

  I enjoyed watching Mike’s face turn white. “Listen, you little—” he started.

  “No, you listen!” I knew Mr. Edwards had been speaking metaphorically about using my power and all, but I chose to take him literally right then and grabbed the collar of Mike’s shirt, yanking him toward me, lifting him onto the balls of his toes. Gotta love superstrength. Even if it had been guilt in his eyes before, it was definitely fear now. “Killing my boyfriend may have been an accident, but if you ever touch Becky, or any other girl, ever again, killing you won’t be. Understand? And while we’re at it, stop talking crap about me. It upsets Ryan.”

  I let go of Mike with just enough of a shove for him to fall backward. I slammed my foot against his chest, flattening him on his back. I may have used a little unnecessary force, but I knew I wasn’t really hurting him. Hey, the guy’s a linebacker. Sometimes brute force is the only way to get through to them.

  “Oh, and if you ever tell anyone about this conversation, you’ll regret it.” I flashed him a beautiful smile as I removed my foot and added a perky “See you tomorrow.”

  Would I have ever actually hurt Mike? Of course not. Well, not on purpose. But did I feel bad about making him believe that I would? No. Maybe I should have but I didn’t. I walked away feeling better than I had all day.

  I got almost to the parking lot when I noticed that Becky hadn’t left after her talk with Mike. She was out on the field doing handspring after handspring. After threatening Mike I was feeling pretty good, so I figured I’d better give this whole making-an-effort thing a shot before I chickened out. With a sigh I changed course for the football field.

  “Your problem’s in your footing. Your toes tend to point out when you land,” I said when Becky’s tumbling came to a stop.

  Becky was speechless, and color me paranoid, but it didn’t seem like she was all that grateful for my critique. “I used to have the same problem,” I offered. “My coach told me to try to lift my toes inside my shoes when I jumped. I know it sounds a little crazy, but I started sticking my landings after that.”

  Becky was still frozen in shock, so I just kept talking. “It’s been a long time, so I don’t know that I’d be much help, but if you ever want someone to practice with who isn’t going to constantly bite your head off, I wouldn’t mind.”

  I couldn’t believe I’d just told her I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her. And the craziest part was, I felt like it was the truth. I really wouldn’t mind. Once I’d said it, I realized I wasn’t just doing this for Ryan. It would be so nice to have a girl to talk to again.

  I tried to smile, but that’s kind of hard to do when you’re so nervous you feel like you’re about to vomit. When Becky finally caught up
with the moment, she didn’t yell, but her voice was as cold as, well, ice.

  “Leave me alone.”

  She was hostile enough that I wanted to grant her request, but I owed it to Ryan to try a little harder. “I know what you’re going through.”

  “You don’t know anything about me,” Becky said through clenched teeth.

  “I’ll bet I know what really happened between you and Mike,” I said softly, and Becky’s face turned green. “You and I have a lot more in common than Ryan thinks. And trust me, if you keep the secret to yourself long enough, trying to pretend it didn’t happen, you’ll end up exactly like me. I’m not trying to scare you, and I won’t tell anyone. I’m just saying I’ve been there, and if you ever want to talk about it… Well, I know I could really use a friend who understands anyway.”

  Becky didn’t say anything for what felt like a long time. Her eyes filled with tears, and her whole body started to shake until she finally exploded. “You have no idea what you’re talking about!” she yelled. “We don’t have anything in common! I don’t need your friendship, and I don’t want it! I hate you! You’ve taken the only decent person in this school and turned him into a jerk! You’re so selfish that you’re letting him ruin his life for you!”

  I didn’t know what to say. It hurt when she said she hated me, but I couldn’t blame her. And she was right about one thing: Ryan was ruining his life over me. But she was wrong in thinking that I wanted him to. I’d been trying to push him away since day one.

  Before I had the chance to defend myself, Paige and Tamika were suddenly there, and they were protectively clamping their arms in Becky’s.

  “Go away!” Tamika shouted at me.

  “Yeah!” Paige said. “Nobody wants you here, freak! Why don’t you do us all a favor and just kill yourself like you killed your last boyfriend!”

  I started repeating Mr. Edwards’s words in my head. I’m the one with all the power. I’m the one with all the power. But somehow I think this emotional power must be a lot like my physical power. It was going to take a lot of practice.

  It wouldn’t have been so bad except I couldn’t help thinking how much Paige was right. Everything that was wrong between everyone in this school was because of me. Okay, well maybe not what was wrong between Mike and Becky, but everyone else? These people all used to be one big happy family before I came along. Why would they let me into their lives when I was the one responsible for breaking them all up?

  It was the same exact thing as my old school. I’d taken Derek from them and they hated me for it. Why would I expect things to be different here? I wasn’t even friends with these people before I took Ryan from them. I know Ryan had faith, but suddenly I was sure that any attempts to be friends with anyone in this school would be useless.

  I didn’t know what was with me and the waterworks lately, but I started to cry again. “Right,” I sniffled eventually. I ignored Paige and Tamika and looked straight at Becky. “Forget I said anything.”

  I turned around to leave only to nearly run into Ryan. “Don’t touch me,” I warned when he reached out to pull me into his arms.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked as he pulled his hands back.

  “This isn’t going to work, Ryan,” I said through my tears. “You and me, friends, a life, any of it. And I am so tired of fighting about it with you. You said I can’t be both people, but the truth is, I can’t be either. I’m sorry.”

  I started to leave when I finally broke out into full-on sobs.

  “Jamie, wait!”

  “No! I tried, okay? I really did. But it’s not going to work, and I can’t take this anymore, so just stop! Please!”

  I walked away, and it was hard to keep myself at a normal human pace because I could still hear Ryan as I headed for my car.

  “It’s really better this way, Ryan,” Paige said with a sympathy that made me nauseous.

  “Better for who?” he asked her. “For Jamie? For me? Or maybe just better for you. I can’t believe you, Paige! You have no idea what she’s been through! Pain like you could never imagine! And you’re throwing it in her face over and over again for what? Because I’d rather go out with her than with you? You call her the ice queen, but Jamie would never do something like that to anyone.”

  “But look at what she’s doing to you,” Paige said.

  “She’s done nothing but make me happy, and she’s had to turn her entire life around just to do it. You guys are the ones doing all the damage!”

  “But, Ryan—”

  “Don’t start with me, Becky! I told her you were different. I begged her to give you a chance. Do you have any idea how hard that was for her? She tried to be nice. She was terrified of you, but she did it for me because I promised you weren’t like everyone else, and you crushed her!”

  As I reached my car I heard Ryan sigh. “Maybe she was right when she chose not to be friends with any of us,” he said, sounding more resigned than angry now. “I thought I was helping, but all I did was give her hope and then throw her to the wolves. I’ve probably hurt her more than anyone. Thanks a lot, you guys.”

  It sounded as though someone was crying, and I realized it was Becky when she gave Ryan a weepy apology. “Ryan, I’m sorry,” she said.

  His response was “Just forget it.”

  I don’t know if he said anything else because I was in my car now, and I revved the engine and blasted the radio so that I could tune them out. Then I went home and accidentally slammed my brand-new bedroom door through the bathroom wall again.

  I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when Ryan showed up at my house not ten minutes after I did. I mean the guy’s painfully dedicated and convinced that he is my boyfriend. It would make sense that he would come to me after he finished yelling at his friends on my behalf. But for some reason, when he showed up and begged my mom to let him in, I was still shocked. Shocked and angry.

  “Hello, Ryan,” my mother sighed when she answered the door. I may have been stunned, but she didn’t sound all that surprised to see him. “Thank you for stopping by, but I really don’t think Jamie is up for any visitors right now.”

  “Please, Mrs. Baker? Please just let me try to talk to her.”

  The power in the house was already out, but I was angry enough that the walls shook at the sound of his desperate voice. I didn’t mean to be so upset with him because I knew he really cared about me and he’d done nothing but treat me better than I deserved, but a girl can be told that things will be okay only so many times. I’d definitely reached my limit.

  My mother sounded scared as she attempted again to shoo him off. “I’m sorry, Ryan, but now is just not a good time.”

  “It’s okay, Mrs. Baker.” There was silence for a moment while Ryan hesitated. “I know about Jamie. About her powers, I mean,” he finally admitted. “And I know the rules. I won’t get too close, but you have to let me see her. Please! It’s my fault she’s so upset. I owe her an apology.”

  “You what?” my mother gasped.

  I’d like to pretend that my mother was surprised because Ryan claimed he was the reason I was crying, but I knew that’s not what caught her off guard. Ryan apparently knew it too because the next thing he said was, “Please don’t be mad at Jamie for telling me about herself. I sort of didn’t give her a choice. And don’t worry—I swear I will never ever tell anyone.” There was a pause for a minute, and then Ryan spoke again, in a much smaller voice. “I care about your daughter, Mrs. Baker. A lot. I want to protect her just as much as you do.”

  I knew Ryan cared about me—that much was obvious—but I’d never heard him say it out loud before. And for him to say it to my mother! It was so bittersweet. It made me feel so much better and so much worse, all at the same time. My anger subsided, but my despair increased tenfold and I started crying even harder.

  I was too exhausted now to keep up the anger inside me, and the house stilled. My mother knew I could hear the conversation and must have figured that what he said had c
almed me down, because she didn’t say anything, but Ryan let out a huge breath. “Thank you, Mrs. Baker!”

  “Ryan?” my mother called with an exasperated sigh. “Keep your distance.”

  “I will.”

  Ryan didn’t say anything as he came down the hallway and crossed the war zone of my bedroom’s threshold. I guess he wasn’t all that surprised to see my missing door. Eventually he broke the silence with a simple “I’m sorry.”

  “Go away!” I shouted, and then my voice broke.

  “I’m so sorry. I was wrong about my friends. But just forget them, okay? I did.”

  His face was sick with worry, and I suddenly felt guilty all over again. “They’re your friends,” I said, attempting to gain some control of myself. “You can’t just forget them.”

  “If they were really my friends they wouldn’t treat you like that.”

  “But they’re right. I’m a jerk, and you’ve been different. You can’t blame them for hating me—they’re just worried about you.”

  “That’s bull! They’re just jealous, and if they can’t get over it, then it’s their loss. Jamie, if I have to choose a side, then I choose yours. And for once in my life I don’t care if it makes everyone in the entire school hate me, just as long as you don’t.”

  “Don’t be stupid. You can’t give up everyone you know because of me.”

  “But that’s just it—I shouldn’t have to. I don’t want to be friends with people that expect me to forget about the best thing that’s ever happened to me, just because they don’t understand you. They won’t even listen to me long enough to let me explain.”

  “Maybe that’s because they’re right this time. I’m no good for you. You may not want to listen to them, but I don’t have a choice. Becky’s right. I’ve been selfish because I like you, and for your own safety it has to stop. I’m sorry, Ryan, but there’s no side to choose. I’m on their side this time.” I dried my tears and looked him straight in the eye. I meant it this time, and I had to make him see that. “It’s over.”