Reason to Believe (White Lace)

by Gina Gordon

“You’re right. I’m sure you knew exactly what you were doing.” Everly waved her hand then picked up her coffee mug. “You said yourself you know how to keep yourself separate. I had no clue what I was doing with Max, and you gave me great advice, even though I totally didn’t listen.” She laughed, her eyes casting off as she sighed contentedly. Probably without even knowing she was doing it. “I’m sure that’s exactly what you did with Ben.”

  I stared blankly across the table. My best friend was so trusting. So loving. So fucking naive, because she’d believed every word I’d said. And it had all been a lie.

  “Grace?” Everly kicked out her chair and sidled up to me. “What’s wrong?”

  Tears rolled down my face, and I sobbed, a hot, shaking mess.

  “I’m sorry, Evs.” I choked back more tears. “I lied to you.”

  “What are you talking about?” She was rubbing my back now, gentle counterclockwise circles that did nothing to soothe my conscience.

  “I told you that I kept everything detached, but it’s not true. It was tough to do. And sometimes I didn’t want to.” I stared up at her, trying to gauge her reaction. I had kept the truth hidden because I didn’t want her to think less of me. Telling her now might turn out exactly as I had feared, exactly why I hadn’t told her in the first place.

  “Some of my clients were good people just looking for companionship. I had one who was an army vet. A paraplegic. He barely left the house. He was attractive and had his whole life ahead of him, but being confined to a wheelchair was killing him. He couldn’t have sex. He thought he wouldn’t be able to find a wife who’d be all right with not having sex with her husband. I’d go to his place every week. He was a great guy and we talked. A lot. It wasn’t all about sex.”

  Everly rested her head against mine. The brown flyaway strands of her hair tickled my face. “You could have told me that.”

  “I didn’t want you to think less of me. I didn’t want you to think that I…liked it.”

  “Grace.” She grabbed my shoulders and turned me toward her. “Even if you did like being an escort, I wouldn’t have cared. I love you. No matter what.”

  My eyes overflowed with more tears that streaked my cheeks. I sucked in a breath and wiped them away.

  “Was I a bad friend?” Everly asked. Worry had crept its way to her face. “Did I not support you enough? Did you think I wouldn’t approve?”

  I grabbed her hands, pulling them down to the counter and holding her stare. “Everly. You are the best friend I’ve ever had. No matter what I tell you, you’ve never judged me. But you always make the right decisions, and despite knowing the reasons behind why I did what I did, I was terrified that you’d finally realize how screwed up my choices were and we’d lose…us.”

  “Never.” She pulled me into a hug, squeezing me so tight I could barely breath.

  “It wasn’t all just sex with Ben.” I sniffed against her shoulder and did my best to wiggle out of her embrace so I could look her in the eye. “Somehow, he made me feel like I could be myself. Like I didn’t have to hide. And because of him, because he gave me that safe space, I found myself again.”

  “Are you trying to tell me that you broke your own rules and things with Ben got…emotional?” I’d never seen a more surprised look on her face. “Because I hate to tell you this, but I know Ben, and I know how much you want your happily ever after, and…I don’t think he can give it to you.”

  “I know that.” I spat out the words. Everly had been a little harsh in her opinion, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. Everly wasn’t mean. She was practical, and she’d cut a dude if he ever hurt me. So I was going to have to tread carefully when it came to telling her about Ben. “He might not be my forever, but I will never forget what he did for me, even if he never knows it.”

  She leaned back, her arms flopping down to her sides. “You love him.”

  After a moment, I nodded. “He doesn’t know how to open his heart. And I can’t be with a man who doesn’t trust me. And I especially can’t be with a man who isn’t able to commit.”

  I couldn’t fix Ben, but I knew I could fix my career. It was just a matter of facing the music and returning to my original plan. I’d go back into business for myself. As long as Colette didn’t decide to tell everyone what she knew about my former occupation.

  I’d always thought word of mouth was the best way to get business, but not when the word of mouth was trash talk.

  Everly let me cry on her shoulder a little longer, and when my tears had dried up, she kissed me on top of my head and said she’d call me later to get the details about my meeting with Colette.

  I redid my makeup and made my way to Elle Cosmetics. It took me three tries to finally get the courage to knock on Colette’s office door. After her, “Come in,” I opened the door and stepped inside.

  She immediately stopped what she was doing. “We’re overdue for a conversation.”

  I nodded, walking closer to the desk then taking the seat opposite her. She looked tired. Her red hair was pulled back tight into a ponytail and her blouse had a stain on it. This was definitely not the same woman who’d hired me. This one was wrestling with something. And I felt guilty that I had contributed to that.

  “I really appreciate you giving me the time off. Truly. My friend was in the hospital and I just needed a few days to get her settled and able to take care of herself.”

  I couldn’t tell if she believed me. I didn’t know if she thought that every word out of my mouth was a lie, considering…

  “It was actually for the best. I needed some time to…just go over everything that happened.” She pushed away the papers in front of her. “I still can’t quite wrap my mind around it and I wonder…” I could tell she wanted to ask me something, but was afraid.

  There was no question in this world that I hadn’t already been asked.

  “Go ahead.” I settled back in my seat, bracing myself for the worst. “Ask whatever you want.”

  It took her a few moments to bolster the courage to get out the words. “Was Ken’s referral because he was your…”

  She didn’t have to finish her sentence for me to recoil in shock. “Absolutely not.” Colette visibly breathed a sigh of relief. “I met him during a symposium at school. He gave me his card and said if I ever wanted to talk employment to give him a call. That’s all.”

  For the first time since I’d walked in, Colette’s shoulders were perpendicular to the floor. “I just wish you had told me. I don’t like being in the dark. I don’t like surprises. Especially ones that give my brother a one-up.”

  I didn’t blame her. Scott was a manipulative, entitled jerk.

  “It’s not information you go around volunteering, but I wouldn’t blatantly lie about it. If you had asked me point-blank, I would have confirmed it, and I just want you to know…”

  I liked Colette, as a person and as a boss, and I felt awful that the information had come out the way that it had. But I knew my place. I would soon be walking out that door for the last time. And I was going to go out on my own terms and with a clear conscience.

  “I’m not ashamed of my choice. I needed to help my family. I needed to pay for school. If I could go back, maybe I wouldn’t make the same decision. But it is what it is, and I did what I had to do.”

  Colette nodded, apparently still at a loss for words.

  “It’s for the best that I won’t be working here anymore. I just ask that when you tell everyone that I was let go, you keep the reason to yourself. I know I may not deserve it, but I hope you can extend me that one last kindness.”

  “I read your report,” Colette blurted.

  “Oh…kay.” I hadn’t expected to talk about business. I actually hadn’t expected to talk at all. I figured there would be yelling on her part. So this was unexpected.

  “And I fired my brother.”

  My grip tightened on the arms of the chair. “I’m sorry, what?”

  If a dog walked up to me and started t
alking, I would be less surprised than I was at this moment.

  “He’s redundant in a professional capacity, not to mention a complete nightmare in every other capacity.”

  I had to stifle my laugh, because it wasn’t the time or place.

  “I just wanted to tell you that.” Her face lightened, as if saying the words aloud had smoothed out the wrinkles at the sides of her eyes and on her forehead.

  “Thank you.” I wasn’t sure what to make of this turn of conversation. I hadn’t expected Scott to face repercussions for his actions. Although I still had the sinking feeling that losing his job wouldn’t help him learn his lesson.

  “Look, Grace, I like you. You did great work. And did it quickly. You did exactly what I asked of you, which is more than I can say for some of the employees that have worked here for years.” Colette had begun scratching her thumbnail on the edge of her desk. In all the time I’d known her, she wasn’t one to offer signs of nervousness or weakness. But right now, she was doing both. “I don’t want to get rid of you. I just don’t know how to proceed.”

  That made two of us. I had been so content working for Colette. Having a steady paycheck. Making friends. I had thought I’d figured it all out. But at the end of the day, it seemed I’m better off flying under the radar.

  “I think it’s best if we part ways. There’s really no reason for me to stay on.”

  Except for the fact that I need a damn job.

  “It’s the most logical decision,” Colette said. “But now that it’s been said out loud, I’m not so sure.”

  I appreciated her confidence in me, but in the long run, it would only serve to cause trouble with the rest of her employees, and maybe even clients. Leaving was everyone’s best option.

  I stood, and Colette followed suit, extending her hand.

  “Thank you, Colette. For the opportunity. For…understanding.”

  She simply nodded.

  I had come here to say my piece. And I had. But it didn’t make me feel any better.

  Just last week I’d been happy. I had a job I loved and a man who understood and accepted me just as I was. Funny how in such little time that happiness had been blown to smithereens.

  Deviating from my original plan had made me happy for a short time, but the detour had only proven that normal was never going to apply to me. I needed to refrain from making long-term connections, and most importantly, I needed to throw my naive idea of a happily ever after out the window.

  It was the smartest decision I could ever make.

  I didn’t need a man to whisk me away. I didn’t need a man to save me. I had relied on Ben to make everything better. I had relied on the physical connection between us to become my go-to means of dealing with my emotions.

  It wasn’t healthy. And it sure as hell wasn’t practical. Practical was leaving this office with my dignity intact and forging my own path.

  I had thought that retiring from escorting would allow me to re-immerse into the real world and finally live the life I’d wanted. But now, having left it all behind, I realized I would always live my life on the periphery.

  Ben and I might have crashed and burned, but I had learned a valuable lesson. Even a man with a dark and tainted sexual history wasn’t able to come to terms with mine. And so I’d move forward, watching the world unfold.

  An outsider, looking in.

  Chapter 24

  Ben

  I made my way into the office. One monotonous day after the other. That’s how I’d been feeling for the last week. Instead of the anxiety I’d get whenever I walked through the doors, I had an overwhelming sense of sadness that hadn’t let up since Grace had left my house.

  And I’d let her. Because I was afraid.

  I’d only let one other woman with the power to crush me into my life. Ultimately she had, but it wasn’t her fault, and I couldn’t be mad at cancer. I knew Ellie had loved me, she’d proven it time and again.

  But stupidly, I’d added Grace to that list. And she’d done exactly as expected. She’d crushed me. Ruined me.

  We’d ruined each other.

  An hour into my day, I received an email from Cory.

  His placement was over and it was weird being in the office without him. Sort of like something was missing from my day.

  I hadn’t wanted to take him in. It had been the last thing I’d wanted to do. But it had been the best decision I’d ever made. I’d proven, even if only to myself, that I was more than just the guy who filmed people fucking. In my own way, and at my own speed, I’d helped this company succeed. I just had to believe in myself. And that belief also meant that I was ready to consider a life beyond porn. When the time was right. For now, my loyalties were still with Hirsh.

  I opened Cory’s email. It was a thank-you with a file attached. When I clicked on it, the media player came to life.

  It was the scene that he’d filmed with Grace and me. The kiss in my office.

  He’d edited it and added music. It started off slow, just Grace standing still. He must have looped it because I didn’t remember her standing there for so long. And then I entered—more like stalked my way into view. Grace looked vulnerable, yet desirous, despite the good show she’d put on in the moment.

  The kiss was the hottest thing I’d ever watched on film, and my body was reacting accordingly. Heat crept up my neck and settled in my cheeks. My heartbeat quickened and I was hyperaware of it pounding in my chest. I leaned closer to the screen, sliding it away from the door so no one could see. Because this was just for me. This moment between us was intensely private.

  I’d been searching for the perfect scene, the moment when reality suspended just for a moment and there was nothing else but two people in the moment—feeling, not thinking, gobbling each other up with such intensity that gave you no other choice but to fall with them.

  “Benson.” I looked up when someone knocked on my door, scrambling to click the X at the top of the screen.

  Hirsh stood there, his suit perfectly tailored. His hair perfectly coifed. He was style and sophistication. Business yet casual at the same time.

  I cleared my throat, taking a deep breath, doing my best to tamp down the excitement that had taken over my body the moment I’d clicked on that file. “What’s up, Hirsh?”

  Upon my greeting he nodded and slowly entered; it was odd, because he’d never waited for me to acknowledge him before, and when he sat down, he blew out a heavy breath.

  I was legitimately nervous. I had an inkling he was going to tell me to go back to directing. That he’d found someone else to be VP, because I stank.

  But that’s what you want. You miss being behind the camera.

  But not at the expense of my pride and work ethic.

  Shit. Shit. Shit.

  “There’s no right way to say this, so I’m just going to do it.” Our eyes locked, regret staring back at me. “I’m selling the company.”

  I barked out a laugh. “You’re selling White Lace?” I turned away from him, back to my computer. That was crazy talk.

  “Yes. I am.”

  I froze, my eyes the only part of me that looked at him. His face was stone cold. And I felt my casual smile drain from my face. And the more I thought about it, the more my smile faded into a confused frown.

  “No way. You can’t.” Finally, I moved, sitting back in my chair. It felt like all the blood was leaving my body. “You’d never.”

  He cocked his head and regarded me with that same affection he’d given me since I was eleven. It had been a look I’d missed over the last few months, because he’d been so absent. “You’re unhappy.”

  “Who said…?” The fact that my voice was a little higher on the octave scale only proved how right he was. I shook my head, but didn’t get the chance to continue.

  “Benson, I’ve known you more than half your life. I know when you’re unhappy.”

  “I’m just busy, Hirsh. There’s a lot to do.”

  I’d convinced myself that I was act
ually doing a good job. That people outside of this company thought I had promise. But now I find out I was sucking so bad that Hirsh was selling the company. If Max had still been VP, I bet the thought wouldn’t have even crossed Hirsh’s mind.

  “Fine.” I jumped out of my chair and started to pace. “Let’s say I am unhappy. Why would that even matter?”

  “I learned something when Max decided to go out on his own and buy a hotel.” He turned in his seat and followed me as I paced beside my desk. “It was a hard pill to swallow, but it made me realize that I had let him down. I let both of you down.”

  “Hirsh…” I stopped short and ran my hand through my hair. “If there’s one thing in this world I know, it’s that you did not let me down.”

  He shook his head. “Porn is all I’ve ever known.” I could tell by the look on his face that he was sincerely upset over this. “And it was good for me. I assumed it would be good for you, too.”

  He started to continue, but I stopped him by holding up my hand. “I owe you everything. You saved me from a neglectful mother and potentially a sad and unsafe life. Whatever I need to do to keep this company going for you, I will.”

  I just wasn’t working hard enough. I could do better.

  “I know…and that’s why I’m selling. The deal has been finalized. On February first, White Lace officially belongs to Randall Hunter.”

  “But…”

  Randall Hunter? Besides being a complete asshat, he owned the largest porn production company in California. And this was all going down in February? That was only two months away. Choosing to find a life outside of White Lace was all fine and dandy when it was a concept. But now it was real, and happening much faster than I had anticipated.

  “You can’t sell, Hirsh. What about the actors? Our staff? Our existing contracts? You can’t sell to Hunter. He’ll pick the company apart. You’ve worked too hard to…”

  I was kind of losing my shit. The reality of having to face my future without White Lace was terrifying. But it was a good thing I’d always feared this day would come, and had stashed away money to fund my way to Silicon Valley. I was a porn director, and I had to go where there was work. But now that it was happening, it didn’t seem like the right plan.