Reason to Believe (White Lace)

by Gina Gordon

  “We’ve all worked hard to get where we are today and I know that you’ve had a big hand in our sales taking off over the last five years. Both you and Max. You were a good team.”

  “More like he was a rock star and I rode his coattails.”

  Everyone knew that. It wasn’t until he left that I had to fend for myself.

  “Ben.” He looked at me disapprovingly.

  “I know I’m good behind the camera.” I sat down again, rolling my chair under the desk as far as I could go. “I’m really good behind the camera, but I couldn’t even finish school. Why am I so damn arrogant?”

  “You have every right to be. You are a genius, and I can only imagine what you could create on film without people fucking.”

  I laughed. “Who doesn’t want to see people fucking?”

  “Touché.” Hirsh laughed with me, but when the silence grew heavy between us, he continued. “I’m sorry I’m not giving you more notice, but this is happening.”

  He was serious. Hirsh Levin, the king of porn, was selling his business.

  Panic mode set in.

  I wasn’t sure what to do with that information, where to compartmentalize it, like I did everything else. Off the top of my head, this would be filed in the I’m-severely-fucked compartment.

  There was only one other thing in that compartment—or someone, Grace Nolan.

  I’d known the moment we met in that coffee shop that I was fucked where she was concerned, and the last few weeks hadn’t made it any better. But as of the new year, I’d have a choice to make. I either packed up and left everything I loved behind and moved to Silicon Valley to continue in porn, or I stayed here and stared down the bullet of doing something out of my comfort zone. If I chose the latter, I’d no longer work in porn, which meant that Grace didn’t have to stay away from me.

  Now that we were completely over, wasn’t it ironic how the one thing keeping us apart was no longer an issue?

  “I came for another reason.” He reached into his jacket and pulled out an envelope. “I came to give you your bonus.”

  “Hirsh, I haven’t done anything to deserve—”

  “Hush, now.” He slid it across the desk. “You’ve kept the company running while I made this deal. I know I’ve been absent. I’ve missed meetings, but it’s only because I knew you had everything under control.”

  I coughed out a half laugh. “You had that much confidence in me?”

  “I have that much confidence in you.”

  “I thought…” I ran my hands over my head, pressing my fingers into my scalp, enjoying the pressure. “I thought I sucked and you just didn’t want to witness my sucking.” Hirsh laughed as I opened the envelope. When I registered the contents, I let out a long whistle. It was a check. “That is a lot of zeros.”

  “I decided I only needed fifty-one percent of the company assets. The other forty-nine, I split between you and Max.”

  “You what? Hirsh, I—”

  “Max didn’t want to take it.” He stood, grabbing the two sides of his suit jacket and threading the buttons through the holes. “So he settled on ten percent and called it a finder’s fee for bringing you home all those years ago.”

  I slapped my jaw shut. “You’re giving me thirty-nine percent of White Lace?”

  With his hands clasped behind his back, Hirsh in all his confidence stared down at me. “You can pursue anything you want, Ben. Take time off. See the world. Go back to school. Buy a boat and live on the lake outside your house for the rest of your life. Just promise me that you’ll be happy. With whatever you choose.”

  Like the gentleman he was, Hirsh bid me farewell with a smile and walked out the door like it was just any other day.

  That evening, I made my way home in a daze. Pretty soon I’d be jobless. With a rich, fat bank account, but jobless nonetheless. Couple that with how badly I’d fucked up with Grace and you could say I was seriously losing my shit.

  I threw my keys on the glass table by my front door and slammed it behind me. I kicked off my shoes and headed straight to the kitchen for a beer. With a green bottle in my hand, I retreated to my movie room, flopping on the couch.

  The crack of the bottle cap was a welcome sound and I downed half the beer in one long gulp. I shouldn’t have come into this room, because it only forced me to think about Grace and the last time we’d spent together. Right here. On this couch. And how I’d so carelessly screwed her, because it had been what I’d wanted. I’d once again taken advantage without care of anyone else’s feelings. But I couldn’t help it. Reverting back to my old ways was how I was able to get through it. But even my best attempt at trying to keep her at a distance had been foiled the moment she gave me one last look in my doorway and walked out of my life for good.

  I glanced to the floor and something green caught my eye. A reusable bag sat by the armchair. Grace must have brought it with her last week.

  I put the beer down and made my way to it, a heaviness settling over me. It was only three steps across the room but if felt like every one was weighed down with cement blocks.

  I peeked inside, unable to figure out what was there. I pulled out an unmarked box. No indication where it came from or what was inside it. I opened it, moving aside tissue paper to reveal tickets. I didn’t recognize the logo, but there was no mistaking the name in bold capital letters.

  ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.

  She’d gotten me tickets to a special screening of all four Terminator movies.

  Holy shit.

  And there was a picture. Of Arnold the cat. And a certificate of adoption. She’d adopted him in my name.

  I was a fucking idiot. She’d had every intention of being there for the speakers series. This was probably her congratulatory present because she’d known I would do a good job.

  She had believed in me, even when I hadn’t fully believed in myself.

  But it had taken her disappearance for me to move forward on my own. Without even knowing it, by breaking my heart, she’d given me the one thing in the world I needed: confidence in myself.

  And I had been such a fucking asshole.

  Her gift was more than just movie tickets and a cat. It was a reminder that I had dreams. That I had so much pent-up creativity I was bursting to get it out. And it had more to it than porn. Pretty soon I’d have the world at my feet and I’d be able to do whatever I wanted. And for me to figure that out, I needed to go back to the basics. Tomorrow morning I’d call Professor Hughes and find out how to enroll in her program, or at least get on its damn waiting list.

  But I knew none of that would be as great if I didn’t have Grace to share it with.

  I needed to make this right, and I knew exactly how to do it. I might not be the stereotype, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t give Grace at least some of what she wanted.

  I would have to do some major groveling if I was going to prove I was worthy of her.

  And I’d do it, because it was time that Grace Nolan finally got her happily ever after.

  Chapter 25

  Grace

  I had no idea why I had agreed to meet Ben here: at an empty downtown warehouse.

  If I didn’t already know him well, I would have been terrified walking in there by myself.

  But I knew him. I loved him.

  And wasn’t that just too bad for me.

  I walked in through a green door with an enormous number 3 painted on it. It was pitch black except for a light streaming from the back of the space. Plastic tarps hung from the ceiling, covering exposed fiberglass and old lighting fixtures. The heavy steel door banged shut behind me and I jumped, shuffling my feet a little faster with hope that I wouldn’t trip over a body.

  This was definitely somewhere the mafia came to hide their kills.

  The cement under my feet was dusty, and it cracked with the sound of gravel as I made my way cautiously to the light. The farther I walked inside the massive building, the more it became clear that this was a movie set. High-end cameras and
booms were huddled together in various spots. Clothing racks were haphazard around the space. But obviously this place was long forgotten. It looked like it hadn’t been used in years.

  I walked toward the light, my heels echoing on the cement. “Ben?” I called out, but didn’t hear a response.

  When I got to the end of the space, I turned the corner and stopped short. Along the back wall was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

  A gray castle with blue and white flags was sketched on a vinyl backdrop. The castle included a tower and it looked like a ladder had been drawn up to the window. Water trickled from an outdoor pond that acted like a mote. And…oh, my goodness, there was a stuffed dragon with blood coming out of its mouth lying on the ground like it had just been slain.

  But the most amazing part of the whole scene was sitting on top of a white horse—not a stuffed horse, a real fucking horse that fluttered its lips and stomped its foot on the cement—was a knight in head-to-toe steel armor and a sword hanging from his waist.

  The knight flipped up the front of his helmet. Thick locks of blond hair fell out, and my heart stopped.

  Ben.

  My hand flew up to my mouth on a gasp. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know what this was, other than the fact that a Disney movie had thrown up in this warehouse. It was my fairy tale come to life. And it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

  Ben jumped down from the horse, the clang of metal echoing around us. He swaggered toward me, and I couldn’t help the giggle that escaped. His feet clicked sharply on the cement with every step closer, and with every step I grew more breathless, more excited.

  When he stopped in front of me he stood with his feet shoulder-width apart, one hand on the butt of his sword, the other at his side.

  “Ben? What is all this?”

  He removed his metal gloves and dropped them to the floor. Next he removed his helmet. There he was. That face. The perfect line of his nose, the sexy stubble on his chin and cheeks. The dirty-blond hair I had come to love tickling my skin.

  “I know that none of this can really make someone happy. I know none of this is real, but it’s what you want, and I want to give you everything you’ve ever wanted, Grace.”

  Tears welled in my eyes, and with a single blink they cascaded down my cheeks.

  “I could make a thousand excuses of why we shouldn’t be together. But I think that damn cat knew as soon as we walked into your apartment that there was a reason we were together.”

  “You did all this because of Arnold Schwarzenegger?”

  The cat, of course, not the actor.

  Ben didn’t get it. He didn’t get all of the reasons why a relationship between us wouldn’t work. He didn’t get why I’d wanted the happily ever after. He was letting the finicky actions of a cat make his decision about wanting to be with me.

  “Not because of the cat, the cat just knew…” He blew out a heavy breath and pulled his hair off his face with both hands. “I’m not good at this.”

  “Ben, I appreciate what you’re doing, but I can only take it at face value. When things got tough, you thought the worst of me. How do you expect us to move forward when you can’t bring yourself to trust me?”

  “I do trust you,” he blurted, reaching out and clasping his fingers around my bicep. The armor clinked and forced my eyes away from his face. I was happy for the buffer.

  “Ben, you don’t really want to be with me,” I said, shaking my head, my eyes focused on the ground. “I look good from a distance and I’ve learned how to make myself look better than I truly am. But I have no job. I have zero prospects. My savings are dwindling. And you’d have to start going to the gym regularly to build up your strength if you intend on hitting every man that might recognize me.”

  He stood straighter. “I don’t have a problem with that. I’ll defend you until the day I die.”

  He was softening me. But I couldn’t cave. I had to stick with my plan of moving forward alone. It was the only way to minimize exposure.

  “Everyone has baggage, Grace. Ours is a little heavier than others’, but it’s all the same.”

  “I can’t risk it.” I jerked out of his grip and turned away. “You work in porn. You’re going to have a target on your back forever and it only opens me up to harder scrutiny and—”

  “What if I said I wasn’t going to work in porn anymore?”

  “Wha…?”

  How was that possible? He was practically in charge of a multimillion-dollar company. Why would he give that up?

  He walked around and once again faced me. “Hirsh is selling White Lace. Just another thing to add to the I-owe-the-Levins-everything column. I have the chance to start over, and I’m going back to school.”

  “You are?” I looked at him through watery eyes.

  He nodded. “Professor Hughes and I worked out an arrangement. I’m going to be a teaching assistant in her classes, but I can still enroll in others.”

  He was taking a chance. On himself. Moving forward with trying to build a future doing something he loved. He might not have it all figured out, but at least he had a plan. “I don’t know what to say.” But just because he didn’t work in porn didn’t solve the problem of Ben not being able to commit.

  “It’s decision time, Grace. Your prince rode up on his white horse. Slayed the dragon. Rescued you from the tower. And now he’s ready to ride you off into the sunset, to his very non-castle-like house in the middle of nowhere on a lake with a pool and the greatest selection of DVD’s ever collected.” I went to speak, but he pressed his finger against my lips, preventing me from answering. “Your prince has also forsaken all others.”

  How did he know?

  “I’m aware I’ve always given the impression that I’m not a one-woman man.”

  I shot him a look of mock disbelief.

  “Well, I wasn’t a one-woman man, but you changed that. Even if you walk out of here alone and never give me the time of day again, it would still all be worth it. Because you opened my eyes to love. I didn’t know what it was at first, but I couldn’t stop it from happening. I couldn’t deny it…I just didn’t know how to do it.”

  I went to speak, but once again he silenced me.

  “When you didn’t show up, you shattered me into a million pieces.”

  I felt fucking awful about walking out on him, and I probably always would.

  “But you forced me to realize that I couldn’t love you until I figured out how to love myself, how to be all right with the man I was. And now I know the man I want to be. And it’s all because of you.”

  I couldn’t stop the tears even if I’d wanted to. Nor could I stop the swelling of my heart, because he had just broken me.

  “But I need to know one thing.” He brushed his thumb across my cheek, wiping away some of the tears. “I love you, Grace. I’d like to be your prince charming…but am I the prince you want?”

  A few weeks ago, I would have responded with a forceful “hell no” to that question. But now, after getting to know the real Ben, I couldn’t imagine my life with anyone else. He understood me. He accepted me. I should have known that I would find my happily ever after with a man who had a history as sketchy as mine. In some ways, we canceled each other out.

  So today I would say “hell yes” to his question. Because I had fallen completely in love with him.

  I reached out, placing my palm against his cheek. “I don’t want Prince Charming.” His eyes lowered to the ground and his mouth turned down in a frown. The hope that had been staring out at me had vanished. “I want you, Ben Lockwood.”

  His head shot up and he grinned, letting out a heavy breath as if he’d been holding it for hours.

  He grabbed my hands and brought them up to his lips. “I’m sorry for the other night. I’m sorry if I was rough. I’m so damn sorry I let you walk out my front door. I can’t bear watching you walk away again.”

  I kissed his fingers. “I let you down. I won’t ever do it aga
in, but you have to know that—”

  “It’s all right. Tonight is about starting over.” He pulled me closer, the armor cold and hard against me. “Tonight is about letting go of the past and moving forward together.” With a wide grin, he said, “So there’s only one thing left to do.”

  He took my hand, guiding me to a small pergola, flowers decorating the clean lines. He set me underneath it, standing directly across from me, holding our hands between us. “This is where you get true love’s kiss.”

  I laughed, sniffling, because I couldn’t hold back my tears. “Is that so.”

  “A fairy tale isn’t complete without true love’s kiss. Lucky for me, my princess isn’t unconscious, because that would be a bummer. And also really illegal.”

  I snorted. Our histories were truly unconventional, but I knew now that it made us better, stronger. “Together we’ve slept with more people than is doctor recommended.”

  He barked out a laugh. “Yes, we have.”

  I tilted my head, reveling in the brown depths of his eyes. Eyes that still told me everything he was feeling. “But somehow it works for us.” I reached up, placing both hands on his cheeks and rising on my toes. “I love you, Lockwood.” I pressed my lips to his and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer.

  He rested his forehead against mine. “You’re my fairy tale, Grace. You’re my happily ever after. The one I never knew I wanted.”

  He pressed his lips to mine and I tasted the saltiness of my tears. Now tears of joy.

  Happily ever afters are what childhood dreams are made of. And as an adult, they are a symbol all of the things you want, yet know you might never find.

  But I found mine with Ben. And I’d hold on tight until our story was over.

  And maybe not let go even then.

  For my husband and his raised eyebrows. It’s just research, honey. I promise.

  Acknowledgments