Alice's Long Road Home

by Rosie James

  At the end of the month they would be leaving Chelsea and returning to Bristol. They were going back home, at least temporarily, and Alice was glad. It had been an adventure living in London, a revelation in many ways, and she had enjoyed some of it. Had enjoyed having Sam all to herself and had actually enjoyed the chance to do some writing. She had certainly had the time to sit and scribble – and now to type, because Sam had bought her a portable typewriter – but she admitted that her heart had seldom been in it. Perhaps ambitions were just that, Alice thought wryly…will o’ the wisp things you hoped for, but would probably never achieve.

  Besides that, the main thing which had filled her mind was Lizzie, who would be moving into the Clifton house within a few days of Alice and Sam’s return home, Lizzie’s baby due in January. Naturally, at first, there had been some opposition from the Home – a barren couple were in line to pay a large sum of money for the child – but as soon as it was realized who would be relieving the Home of this particular pregnant woman, it all went very quiet. It would be brave of anyone to question Professor Edward Carmichael’s decisions or motives…

  Now, Sam was looking in the mirror, adjusting his red cummerbund, and he glanced at Alice, and their eyes met as he smiled that special smile of his…the smile she had seen in her dreams so many, many times, the smile that turned her knees to jelly. ‘Is that a new dress?’ he asked. ‘I haven’t seen it before, have I?’

  Alice smiled back at him. ‘No, it’s one I managed to get a couple of weeks ago,’ she said. ‘Things are beginning to come back into the shops…and I liked this one straightaway.’ She paused. ‘I’m glad you approve of my choice,’ she added.

  It was a floor-length, slim- fitting, red creation in a silky, fluid fabric, flattering her dainty curves, and the moment she’d tried it on Alice knew it was right for her. The neckline was scooped, perfect for her gold anchor and chain, the long sleeves with the pointed cuffs an attractive detail. And for the first time in quite a while Alice had swept her hair up on top, coiling the thick plait into a secure knot, holding it in place with a gold-coloured flower she’d found in the same shop.

  Sam turned, then went forward and held her in his arms. ‘You do know that I love you, Alice, so much,’ he murmured, ‘you are everything to me, everything I could ever wish for…’

  His kiss on her lips was long and deep, and presently Alice moved away and looked up at him, her face a sudden picture of misery.

  ‘I – I am so sorry, Sam,’ she began, shaking her head – ‘so sorry that I can’t…that I’m not able to…’and he immediately pulled her back to him, frowning.

  ‘What…what are you sorry about?’ he said roughly. Then – ‘You’re not…you’re not regretting marrying me after all, are you, Alice? Please…please don’t say that you have changed your mind about…about us.’

  She clutched him around his waist, burying her head into his chest and trying not to cry. ‘No! Oh Sam, dearest Sam, how could you possibly think such a thing!’ She reached her arms right up around his neck and looked into his eyes. ‘No, Sam…what I am so sorry about is that I don’t seem able to give you a child…it’s just not happening, is it, Sam? So what’s the matter with me? We love each other so much it should be the easiest thing in the world, shouldn’t it! As every month passes I’m beginning to think that I must have been very, very wicked…that God doesn’t think I’d be a suitable mother and that’s why He’s punishing me!’

  Sam held her to him even more closely, kissing her cheeks, her lips, over and over again.

  ‘Alice…Alice…please listen to me,’ he said urgently, ‘You have nothing to blame yourself for – and I am reliably informed that God has absolutely nothing to do with this, either. Nothing at all. This is all to do with us, you – and me – Alice – and time! We haven’t been married a year yet, and I can promise you that it will happen for us one day.’

  He hesitated, then… ‘No one understands why some people never have any trouble, while others have to wait until Nature decides to take a hand.’ He held Alice even closer to him. ‘But until then, Alice – all we have to do is be happy just to be together…to be us two, as we’ve both always wanted. And to be patient.’ He kissed her again. ‘Promise me that you will never feel guilty again…promise?’

  Alice snuggled into him letting the warmth of his body meld into hers, filling her with a sense of security – and of hope. If Sam said it would happen for them one day, then it would.

  After a moment, she said softly – ‘It seems so unfair. I mean – not only has Princess Elizabeth managed to produce a child for the nation –as required of her – but that poor Lizzie is about to have the baby that was thrust into her by force – with no love attached to any of it.’

  Sam’s expression darkened. ‘Yes…well, we are going to make sure that Lizzie is all right with us, aren’t we?’ he said quietly. ‘We would never leave her alone to face something totally out of her control.’

  There was silence for a moment as they stayed locked together, then – ‘And did I tell you what the man’s sister said to her – when Lizzie confronted the pair of them together? The woman said that they’d never employed a prostitute before and they’d make damn sure they never did again! Isn’t that terrible? A terrible thing to say to an innocent woman!’

  Sam gritted his teeth before answering.

  ‘Unspeakable,’ he said quietly.

  25th December 1948.

  In Clifton, as usual, the Carmichaels were making the most of the festive season.

  The four twins had come home – Rose bringing a new boyfriend with her and the professor having invited two colleagues to share the Christmas lunch. Together, of course with Lizzie –who, though obviously heavily pregnant had insisted on helping out in the kitchen, and although it was only two years since Helena had died, everyone did their very best not to let that sad event shadow this very emotive season. Sam had been adamant that his mother would always expect the house to ring with laughter and carol singing around the piano – that it should all go on as usual. And of course, the wedding this time last year was another reason to recall, and to celebrate.

  Betty, naturally, was in her element cooking for all the family again, and she had told Alice that it was her best Christmas present ever to have her and Sam living at home again. Plus “little” Lizzie…what a strange turn of events. (Though it would have been much nicer if it was Alice who was about to give birth, Betty thought privately – not that Cook would ever mention such a thing…)

  ‘Oh, I know you and Sam are not sure how long his duty’s going to be in Bristol this time,’ Betty had said, ‘but I shall make the most of you while you’re here.’ She’d paused before adding – ‘Of course, I suppose I should really call you “Madam” – shouldn’t I, Alice?’ she’d said. ‘Because you are taking Helena’s place, now, aren’t you…’

  ‘Betty!’ Alice had almost shrieked the word. ‘I am Alice…I have always been Alice to you, and nothing’s going to change that! I am Alice Carmichael, rather than Alice Watts, that’s all, but Alice is who I am!’

  As soon as they’d moved back to Clifton, the first thing Alice had decided in her new capacity as mistress of the house was to ensure that Betty had some extra local help to assist her with the festive lunch. Compared with that mammoth event, all other meals were easily managed by Cook. Apart from the few war years when she had evacuated to live with a cousin in Devon, Betty had revelled in living in her own small apartment next to the kitchen, reigning supreme in her position with the Carmichael family. After all – how many cooks could say they had given their Monarch his tea one afternoon a few years ago? How many? Someone tell her that! It had been one of the most terrifying experiences in her life, and there weren’t many local people who didn’t know about it because she’d always been friendly with the domestic staff in other big houses round about, and these things soon get around. His Majesty had complimented Betty on her cakes, and had asked her re-fill his tea cup. And when he’d depar
ted she’d managed to drop quite a low curtsey without falling at his feet.

  But when Alice had said that they should employ one or two other women to help out on Christmas Day – Lizzie could hardly be expected to do too much – Betty had been forced to agree. Because (she would never admit this to another soul) she had been experiencing a light head for a couple of months, on and off. Nothing serious, of course, Betty was never ill…but anyway, maybe she’d better lay off her couple of glasses of night- time sherry, just for a few weeks…or maybe for just a few days. To see if it made any difference…

  In the meantime, the two huge Christmas puddings, tied up in their shrouds of linen cloth, had been simmering since before breakfast, the geese had roasted to a turn, the vegetables were all ready to dish up, and the happy noise from the dining room told the best cook in the world that she should start serving the gathering of eleven their annual feast.

  “Do you remember an Inn, Miranda, do you remember an Inn…?”

  In the bedroom at the far end of the second floor, Alice sat quietly reading out some of her favourite poems. This had been Lizzie’s idea – to help her keep her mind off her pains, which were getting stronger. The doctor and the midwife were due any minute.

  ‘You were always so good at reading,’ Lizzie said, as Alice came to the end of Hilaire Belloc’s Tarantella. ‘I used to listen to you sometimes, outside the door, when you were reading out loud.’ She paused. ‘I was always so jealous of you, Alice – and I’m really sorry to have been unkind to you now and then.’

  ‘Oh, that was a long time ago, Lizzie,’ Alice said quickly. ‘It doesn’t matter now, does it – and I expect I could be snappy with you, too, sometimes,’ she added.

  ‘You see, you had everything…everything in the world that I didn’t have,’ Lizzie went on, almost as if talking to herself. ‘You had your mother – I never even knew mine – and after your pa died you were allowed to live in this house while I had to go back to the Orphanage every evening. And I can’t remember anyone ever bothering to read to me – well, not much anyway. Not like your mother used to read to you. It always sounded so lovely…so loving. Her spending time with you like that.’

  Lizzie stopped talking, ready to ride another pain which was brewing inside her. Then – ‘And I’ve never forgiven myself that I enjoyed being nasty to you about your pa…saying it was a good thing he’d died because then Mrs. Carmichael invited you both to live-in… I would love to have lived-in.’

  Lizzie found it difficult to go on for a moment. ‘I remember you were really upset, and I tried to make it worse by saying cruel things. What a horrible person I must have been – perhaps I still am, and that’s why I’m in my present state…’

  Alice interrupted roughly. ‘No, you are not a horrible person Lizzie,’ she said. ‘You were an unhappy person – some of the time – and when people are unhappy they say things they don’t always mean.’ She grasped Lizzie’s hand, adding brightly – ‘Anyway, you are not an unhappy person now, are you…you’ll soon be holding your darling baby in your arms, Lizzie…just think of that! Don’t think of the past – that’s gone. It’s all over. Just think of the now – and the future – which I know will be taken care of. So don’t worry about that, will you?’

  Lizzie hadn’t let Alice’s hand go as the two sat there opposite each other, and leaning forward, Lizzie said – rather tentatively –

  ‘Alice – would you mind…would you mind staying with me when the baby comes?’ She smiled weakly. ‘In my job, I’ve seen many babies born, and I’ve a very clear idea how much it hurts! It would be so good to have you to hold on to.’

  Alice gripped Lizzie’s hand more tightly. ‘Of course I’ll stay with you, Lizzie,’ she said softly.

  With the pain coming faster now, and less bearable, Lizzie stood up and climbed onto the bed, lying on her tummy with her knees bent up, and they could hear the doctor and the midwife’s voice from along the landing. Lizzie glanced up at Alice. ‘It’s not going to be long now,’ she said, wincing.

  Lizzie was glad to have apologized to Alice, even after all this time. To get it off her chest had made her feel better.

  But what Lizzie hadn’t confessed – and never, ever, could – were her own feelings for Sam – handsome, clever, kind, Samuel Carmichael – whom she’d fallen in love with the very first time she’d seen him. Because he was everything any girl could possibly wish for. But…he’d never look at anyone like her. That had been an impossible, silly, futile, hope.

  Anyway, he’d only ever had eyes for Alice.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  3rd April 1949

  Dearest Alice

  Max is divorced! I can’t tell you how happy we both are! It all actually went through more quickly than we’d expected, but I suppose it helped that there was no contest – Max had accepted a long time ago that his wife had deserted him for good, and she admitted her total responsibility in the matter, so the Hearing lasted just a few minutes. Those few minutes have set us free at last, free Alice!

  Now, to even more important things! Our wedding is to be at Bath Register Office at 11 am on Saturday the 16th July. (Not Easter after all – not enough time!) Please, please say that you are available that day – because I want you and Fay to be there, standing close to me. Of course it is going to be a slightly different affair than your wedding was, Alice, but it will mean exactly the same thing, won’t it. In the eyes of the law I shall be a married woman… I shall be Mrs. Maximus Hunter!

  My mother has already unwrapped the material for my dress…it’s a sort of gold…gold brocade – quite sparkly – and yet another of her Butterick patterns has been decided upon. Honestly, who would have thought that all the stuff she has hoarded over the years would eventually see the light of day. But she, and my father, are being so good about everything…I think largely because they adore Max almost as much as I do! Their daughter marrying a divorcee is something they never even mention any more.

  By the way, my mother has suggested that you and Fay should spend the night before the 16th with us here, in Bath, so that we all leave the house together next morning. I do hope that you – and Sam – agree with that proposed arrangement. Because the three wise monkeys just must be together at times like this…mustn’t they? If only to have a fit of the giggles!

  I rang Fay last night to tell her about it, and she straightaway put a big red mark around the 15th and 16th July.

  Please ring me at home tonight, Alice. I’m longing for a real chat – it’s ages since we were all together.

  Love to you as always

  Evie

  Alice smiled as she put the letter back in the envelope. Evie’s life was turning out so wonderfully for her…Mr. and Mrs. Miles accepting that Max was to be their son-in-law being the most unbelievable thing. Now, the day Evie had rather pessimistically hoped for was a mere three months off – and she, Alice, would make sure that nothing stood in the way of being there, right behind Evie as she made her vows – “To love and to cherish ’til death us do part”…those immortal words spoken by thousands, but, sadly, since the war, being meaningless for many as more and more couples began to divorce. Alice shuddered at the thought. She could never imagine life without Sam. It wouldn’t be life…it would be…nothing.

  1st June 1949

  Dear Alice

  This is just to let you know the latest instalment in the life of Lizzie Conway and baby Edward.

  (Alice smiled. Lizzie’s baby son had entered the world at a healthy 9lbs and it was obvious straightaway that mother and child were going to bond with no trouble at all – despite the trauma of conception. Lizzie was a natural mother, and little Edward had gurgled happily all through the christening service. Alice continued reading…)

  As I have said so many times, Alice, I shall never cease to be indebted to all of you at Clifton, for taking me in and looking after both of us for all those weeks – it’s entirely thanks to your support, financial and otherwise, that I’ve been able to keep
my baby. I cannot bear to think of the alternative. But I do have some news which I hope will not come as too much of a shock.

  As you know, I’ve been living with my best friend in Kingswood since leaving Clifton, and she and I have come to a decision which we think will work for both of us. We intend leaving England for good and going to Australia, because we really believe we shall have a better life over there. I have thought a great deal about this, as you can imagine, Alice. The fare is only costing me ten pounds, and apparently there will be somewhere for us to live, at least temporarily, when we arrive. I don’t feel at all worried at the step I am taking because, thanks to the Professor, I have my nursing qualifications and I could easily find work when the baby is a little older. I have always saved as much as I could from my wages, so I think I have enough money behind me for at least a year, and the most generous gift from the Professor is still untouched in my post office account. And, of course, essentially, Rachel will be there with me – she adores Edward and is so good with him. But she has good sound secretarial qualifications so will obviously want to find work as soon as we arrive.

  Alice, I loved meeting you again after so long. You looked exactly the same, and I know you and Samuel will always be happy together. Perhaps there is a lonely farmer in Australia waiting for me! But I am only joking. My sole preoccupation will always be my baby. My baby will never be an orphan. He will never know what the word means.

  I decided not to ask your opinion of the step I am taking, Alice, because I did not want to intrude on the Carmichaels’ lives any more…you have all already done so much for me. I must rely on my own initiative and intuition…and, I hope, my commonsense. I will let you know how we get on.