The Slackers Guide to U.S. History

by John Pfeiffer

  Conversely, white Southerners knew how difficult it was to keep angry black men in line. They were not ready for this free-labor system to stop. THEY WERE PROUD OF THEIR ABILITY TO GROW THEIR SLAVE OWNERSHIP DESPITE THE LACK OF TAX BENEFITS FOR DOING SO. THEY FELT ENTITLED TO BE REWARDED FOR THEIR HARD WORK AS SLAVE OWNERS. With the Constitution hanging in the balance and the need for compromise more important than ever, the Northern states and Southern states agreed to a formula that would count each black slave as three-fifths of a person. It was reasoned that this would allow the Southern states to be compensated for their years of raising and training black slaves, but not to the point that it would be impossible for the Northern states to find equal representation in the new Congress.

  As for Michael, the North and the South agreed to disagree on why he lightened up instead agreeing that WHETHER IT WAS THROUGH COSMETIC BLEACHING OR VITILIGO, THE KING OF POP DIED THREE-FIFTHS BLACK.

  1789 GEORGE WASHINGTON ELECTED FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

  The first in a near-perfect line of white presidents

  A Cavalier Attitude

  Benefiting from his parents' dislike for public education, George Washington enjoyed the rigors of his at-home-only education. Free from the restraints of an enormously underfunded public school system, young George took his home-schooled education with him when he joined the Virginia Militia days after hitting puberty, earning the distinction of lieutenant colonel at the My Space-obsessed age of sixteen.

  He Was Possibly Surveying Your Wife

  In addition to being an enthusiastic killing machine, Washington moonlighted as a surveyor, measuring and plotting the earth's surface. He could tell you where your yard ends and your neighbor's yard begins, and whether it was okay to ignore the imaginary boundary of physical property and enjoy an affair with the wife next door.

  ALTHOUGH IT WASN'T HIS NEIGHBOR'S WIFE, GEORGE DID ENJOY SOME EXTRACURRICULAR SEX AND FRUITY DRINKS WITH BIG-HAIRED JERSEY GIRL MARY GIBBONS. Despite Gibbons's best effort to satisfy George's Ron Jeremy — like appetite for off-the-charts action, rumors quickly spread of George's illicit parties with slave girls at his Mount Vernon home. Washington capitalized on these rumors by garnering the support needed to be appointed adjunct general of the Virginia Militia in 1752.

  French and Indian War Involvement: Ridding the Colonies of Frenchies

  In 1753 George had the honor of delivering a message from the British to the French while holding wine tastings in the Ohio Valley: Get the fuck out. The French ignored Washington, and actually captured George in a skirmish at Fort Necessity. He was released, and later he returned with British General Braddock in 1755 to successfully kick the French out. Tired of a soldier's life, Washington turned his back on public service and retired to his Mount Vernon estate, where he satisfied his need for “strange” by marrying a serviceable widow named Martha Dandridge Custis. Following the honeymoon, George went into semiretirement for several years, farming and partying with the woman that he held the title to at his Mount Vernon home.

  Next Up: Kicking the British Out

  George took an active interest in the feud between the colonists and the British. As tensions escalated, George, ever the public servant, was sucked back into action. He left the cushy retired life and attended the meeting of the Second Continental Congress in Philadelphia as a delegate from Virginia in 1775. There he was elected the commander in chief of the ragtag Continental army. After approximately six years of cat and mouse, the British tired, and Washington accepted British surrender from General Cornwallis at Yorktown in 1781. Washington re-retired, or so he thought, to Mount Vernon.

  From Shuffleboard to the White House

  After years of successful military leadership culminating in the surrender of the crotchety old General Cornwallis at Yorktown in 1781, Washington was enjoying a re-kindling of marital flames with Martha, however, his inability to walk away from the young nation's problems led him to the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia in 1787 and ultimately back into service for his country. George benefited from the idea that letting every citizen have a voice in their leadership would be time consuming, expensive and, unnecessary. The Electoral College did away with the messy counting of Americans' votes, and in 1789, Washington became the first president of the United States as a handful of representatives forced their will on the rest of the country. George had the distinct honor of being the first of a near-perfect line of white presidents in American history.

  1789 THE BILL OF RIGHTS

  Dirty little document

  Not Just Another Bill

  With the constitutional document already passed, James Madison began his Billy Graham — like crusade to protect the individual rights of priests, strippers, drug dealers, thieves, and the common man. He proposed twelve constitutional amendments (of which ten were passed) during a congressional all-night cocaine binge in New York City on September 25, 1789. With angel dust all over the historic manuscript, Bill O'Reilly of Fox News reported that the dirty little document was sure to be the most litigated legislation in American history. The signing of the Bill of Rights effectively provided for the following guarantees:

  FIRST AMENDMENT. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

  The first amendment protects crazy Pentecostal Church of God attendees, allowing them to handle deadly snakes and drink rattlesnake venom during service while at the same time allowing the National Enquirer to report on political commentator Dick Morris's fetish for sucking the toes of prostitutes.

  SECOND AMENDMENT. A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

  This little beauty protects the rights of gangsters and rednecks to own truckloads of pistols, AK-47s, hand grenades, and atomic bombs.

  THIRD AMENDMENT. No Soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner prescribed by law.

  This amendment prohibits the men serving in our military to sleep with another man's wife without his consent.

  FOURTH AMENDMENT. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

  This amendment makes it much more difficult for police officers to search the trunk of Snoop Dogg's car just because he is black and looks high.

  FIFTH AMENDMENT. No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment of indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land of naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself; nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken from public use, without just compensation.

  This amendment was written to ensure that O.J. Simpson never has to explain the cuts on his hands, the bloody Bruno Mali shoe prints, the missing clothes, and the loud sound outside Kato Kaelin's bedroom. It also makes sure that just because of the incompetence of District Attorney Marcia Clarke and her overwhelmed assistant district attorney Christopher Darden, O.J. cannot be tried again on the criminal charges of killing his ex-wife and her eyeglass-returning good Samaritan friend, Ron Goldman.

  SIXTH AMENDMENT. In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which di
strict shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining Witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance to Counsel for his defence.

  This amendment ensures that not only are tax payers required to pay for the incarceration of the poor, but they are also required to pay for their subpar defense.

  SEVENTH AMENDMENT. In suits at common law, where the value in the controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

  This allows endless lawsuits in federal court that require the use of a jury of your peers who were too dumb to avoid jury duty.

  EIGHTH AMENDMENT. Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel or unusual punishments inflicted.

  Unfortunately, this has all but ended modern-day firing squads here in the United States.

  NINTH AMENDMENT. The enumeration of the Constitution of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

  This special clause allows for the fact that much of what needs to be protected has been left out of the Bill of Rights. This makes sure that whether it was intentional or careless, the citizens of the United States are not limited to the rights outlined in the Bill of Rights. This vague amendment makes room for women to choose contraception and abortion.

  TENTH AMENDMENT. The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

  This allows the federal government to defer back to the states any issues it finds too complicated or divisive to deal with on their own, like the legal age of sexual consent.

  1803 THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE

  …forced to don a beret and pretend he appreciated the works of French impressionist painters

  T.J. Loved the Magic Beads

  President Thomas Jefferson, looking to expand the size of the United States, was hopeful that the Spanish government would agree to sell the Louisiana Territory to him for a price that even those enjoying the financial freedom of living below the poverty line could afford. Instead, Spain's King Charles IV turned over the territory to the French as an apology for a Spanish cycling team failing a post-race drug test in the Tour De France of 1802. Now that the territory was owned by the difficult-to-deal-with French, the United States lost the right to use the New Orleans port's warehouses to store the magical beads that encourage woman of various breast sizes to remove their tops for the viewing pleasure of an intoxicated male audience during Mardi Gras every year. Jefferson was now forced to don a beret and pretend he appreciated the works of French impressionist painters in an effort to acquire the land he so dearly desired.

  A “We're Going to War” Sale

  Jefferson and his secretary of state, James (Dolly) Madison, began diplomatic efforts with the French in lieu of the more popular military option. In hopes of finding a John Lennon — inspired “give peace a chance” solution, Jefferson sent Madison to Paris as a diplomat. Upon Madison's arrival, he was pleasantly surprised to hear that Napoleon's desire to conquer Europe was suffering through a lack of funding and the French plan to re-establish itself in the United States was being abandoned. France's minister of finance advised the French government that they could not afford to send troops to occupy the entire Mississippi Valley. HE WARNED THAT IF A CONFLICT BROKE OUT, THE HYGIENIST- FREE BRITISH WOULD COME DOWN AND ATTACK FROM JOHN CANDY'S HOMELAND, RESULTING IN HEAVY LOSSES BOTH FINANCIALLY AND MILITARILY. The minister viewed the area as a liability, apparently knowing nothing of the properties of the magical New Orleans beads. Fortunately enough, Napoleon's need for cash motivated him, and he agreed with his advisor, coming to the conclusion to sell the territory to the land-hungry United States.

  Desperately needing cash, the French quickly agreed to sell the Louisiana territory including New Orleans for $15 million, an amount that far exceeded what Jefferson had authorized. The purchase effectively doubled the size of the United States, making room for illegal immigrants for centuries to come. The approximately 600 million acres were acquired for about four cents an acre or the equivalent of modern-day real estate values in Nebraska.

  1804 LEWIS AND CLARK

  Known as seasoned travelers, they always packed each other's stuff the night before a trip

  Jefferson's Wet American Dream

  President Thomas Jeff erson found the distractions of running the day-to-day operations of the country annoying and time consuming. There never seemed to be enough Tom time. No time to sit down, relax, and just daydream anymore. In fact, the only time T.J. got for himself was the time spent on the presidential commode. While locked up in the latrine, he often dreamed of an expedition to the western portion of the continent. The land was undiscovered, and Jefferson hoped to find a path to the Orient to increase U.S. trade and import wild Asian strippers to help entertain donors for his reelection campaign THE ONLY THING HOLDING HIM BACK WAS HIS FEAR OF A FRENCH GUY WITH A LITTLE-MAN'S COMPLEX, NAPOLEON BONAPARTE. Bonaparte and the French were holding claims on the land that stood between Jefferson and the discovery of the Northwest Passage. Never the bully and always the bullied, Jefferson was fearful of sending explorers into the western wilderness and stepping on Bonaparte's miniature French toes. Jefferson's fears were eased when Bonaparte offered to sell the 90,000 square miles west of the Mississippi River.

  Jefferson jumped on the opportunity and sent Bonaparte $15 million to finance his continued destruction of Europe. In retrospect, many Americans feel we were screwed on the deal. The land purchased by T.J. became Arkansas (we could have done without), Iowa (definitely didn't need), Kansas (still don't need), Minnesota (see Iowa), Montana (a place for people who don't like people), Missouri (see Arkansas), Nebraska (nice addition — everyone likes corn), South Dakota (even the Indians won't take it back), and Wyoming (see Montana).

  During his time in office, under the direction of White House senior advisor Karl Rove, President Bush approached the French government requesting a refund for Missouri and Minnesota. Rove promised Bush he could use the refund to buy two dozen Hell Fire missiles and a three pack of the 20,000 pound bunker buster bombs to inflict additional suffering on the people of Iraq. Predictably, Dick Cheney offered to run the purchase through Halliburton and keep the Democrats in the dark about George's new toys.

  Building the Dream Team

  With no shortage of qualified candidates and plenty of out-of-work explorers to choose from, T.J. did what any sitting president would do. He hired a crony. Landing the job of director of western expansion was Meriwether Lewis. Realizing the trip was no weekend getaway and would likely last years, Lewis knew that he had to find a co-captain who was willing to swear off sex for a considerable period of time.

  With no luck at the local seminary school, Lewis decided to ask born-again virgin and former military commander William Clark to be his co-captain. With the help of Lewis, Clark was able to assemble a cast of forty men who had more interest in rowing a canoe than getting laid to accompany them on their adventure out west.

  HELP WANTED: ADVENTURERS WANTED! CAPABLE OUTDOORSMEN NEEDED FOR EPIC TRIP INTO THE UNKNOWN. REQUIRED SKILLS INCLUDE CARTOGRAPHY, COOKING, WILDLIFE TAMING, NAVIGATION, ABILITY TO GO LONG PERIODS WITHOUT FOOD OR WATER, ABILITY TO WALK FOR HOURS AND/OR RUN FOR YOUR LIFE WHILE CARRYING HEAVY LOADS OF LIFE-SUSTAINING SUPPLIES, AND GENERALLY FENDING OFF DEATH ON A DAILY BASIS. NO DEGREE REQUIRED. ONLY FORTY POSITIONS AVAILABLE, PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

  We'll Have a Gay Old Time

  Known as seasoned travelers, Lewis and Clark always packed each other's stuff the night before a trip. And on May 14, 1804, Lewis, Clark, and approximately forty soon-to-be-sexually-suppressed men headed west.

  As the adventurers moved on, and the long j
ourney progressed, the team picked up some groupies, namely Toussaint Charbonneau and his fourteen-year-old Native American wife, Sacagawea. While most of today's fourteen-year-olds spend their time text messaging nude pictures of themselves, Sacagawea acted as guide and translator for Lewis and Clark, helping them trade with local Indian tribes for much-needed food. The frontiersmen quickly noted Charbonneau's young Indian bride, either with dismay or envy. WHILE BEING MOCKED ABOUT HIS WIFE'S MILEY CYRUS — LIKE AGE, CHARBONNEAU PROCLAIMED THAT HIS PHILOSOPHY ON WOMEN WAS “GO YOUNG OR GO HOME.” After spending months on end with forty men in the wilderness, most of the men wished Sacagawea had brought a sister along so they could stop contemplating trips to Brokeback Mountain.

  The Motley Crew Comes Home (Sweet Home)

  Lewis and Clark, their forty-man road crew, their Frenchman, and his underage wife finally made it to the Pacific Ocean in November 1805. Disappointed to learn that the banks of the Pacific Ocean were not fertile training grounds for strippers or Indian casinos, the dream team headed back east in March of 1806. Although presumed dead, the group returned after a long and grueling journey.