The Slackers Guide to U.S. History

by John Pfeiffer

  They were handsomely compensated for their efforts with both land and monetary rewards. While Clark went on to handle Indian affairs for the government out west, Lewis celebrated his accomplishments by committing suicide a few years later. Like most government projects, the expedition had gone past deadline and over budget. The original $2,500 budget came in at a cool $38,722, and Ben Bernake posted notices everywhere criticizing the government's lack of fiscal control.

  Jefferson never got to live his dream of a trail to the Orient or the importation of lap dancers of any kind. Despite being unable to execute a simple reelection strategy from “Politics 101: Influence donors and key supporters with exotic strippers,” Jefferson was still able to get re-elected and lead our nation for four more years.

  1812–1815 THE WAR OF 1812

  Americans hated the British like Bill Clinton hates monogamy

  Not Ready, but Willing

  The war of 1812 started off with unprepared foes. Like a couple of horny teenagers fresh out of condoms, who have sworn off abstinence in favor of protected sex, the willingness was there but the preparation had been overlooked. Britain was a frequent war participator and found it hard to turn down any invitation to fight, regardless of distance or cause. At the time that they accepted America's invite for conflict in the United States, they already had their hands full with Napoleon's drive for total European domination. As for the home team, the American's were severely underfunded and underrepresented. Their navy was reminiscent of that of a 1600's landlocked third-world nation. THE TERM “SHIP” WAS USED LOOSELY, AND THE TERM “DINGY” WAS GENERALLY MORE ACCURATE. But despite the lack of stockpiled resources on both sides, shots began firing and people started dying in August 1812.

  Coming off the heels of the Intolerable Acts, Americans hated the British like Bill Clinton hates monogamy. In an effort to eliminate the British from all of North America, the American military launched a series of wildly popular and unsuccessful attacks into the maple syrup — producing nation of Canada.

  As retribution for American off ensive efforts, the superior maritime vessels of the British formed a blockade around the U.S. coast, killing trade and sending the economy down like a $10 hooker. Despite their economic woes, the outgunned American forces continued to attempt to rid the continent of the pesky British and lay claim to their fair share of the sweet flavored pancake topper from Canada.

  To the Victors Go the Status Quo

  For the most part, the first couple of years of the war were uneventful for both sides. Both militaries enjoyed a series of back-and-forth victories and losses. Much of the landscape remained similar to what it was before the conflict began. For the monarch-worshipping British, the turning point came when Napoleon's European efforts were defeated. With the menacing Napoleon taken care of, the British were able to redistribute their armed forces and resources to the action here in the United States.

  Reloaded with redeployed battle-tested veterans, the British met surprisingly little resistance as they marched single-file, wearing bright red vests, into Washington, D.C., where they burned the place down including President James Madison's love shack, otherwise known as the White House. After easily invading Washington, British commanders agreed to a plan of reacquisition.

  Just as quickly as the tide had turned in favor of the Spice Girls' great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfathers, the U.S. military scored a game-changing victory when the U.S. Navy soundly won the battle of Lake Champlain, driving the British back into the frozen Canadian tundra. As word of the beat down reached the British team of negotiators responsible for agreeing to the terms of a peace treaty, the British quickly gave up their desire of laying claim to any U.S. territory and instead agreed to basically redraw the map of land ownership to its prewar positions. With the war over, American pride swelled like a college freshman, as the young nation had held its own against the evil British Empire.

  Effectively, the War of 1812 concluded as a draw. Neither side had much to show for their efforts after the signing of the “lets make peace” treaty. But, with the battle-tested British fighting for their young Canadian brother, there was a lot of potential for this conflict to end in a Canadian land grab. For America, the battle of Lake Champlain was the difference maker. However, if the British/Canadian armed forces had proven victorious in this battle, it is likely they would have continued on their quest of acquiring more land in the United States.

  In fact, it is possible that the entire contiguous land mass known as the United States would currently be flying the Canadian flag. The red, white, and blue would be the red and white. The army of one would literally be an army of one. Pictures of dead presidents on our currency would have to move over and make room for pictures of dead queens and equally dead prime ministers. AND MOST OF ALL, THERE WOULD BE NO SECOND AMENDMENT DEBATE, AS THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS WOULD BE EXCHANGED FOR THE RIGHT TO WEAR LONG UNDERWEAR IN THE SUMMER.

  Since the United States was nearly Canada, the following multiple-choice, true/false quiz will test your Canadian IQ. Luckily, Canadians are known for being polite and forgiving, so you may take the test more than once and just like with the new SAT Score Choice, only your highest score will count.

  Questions

  1. Canadians abandoned the imperial measuring system years ago in favor of the more widely used international language of measurement the metric system. What is Canadian born actor Michael J. Fox's approximate height in centimeters?

  a. 57 cm.

  b. 245 cm

  c. 164 cm

  d. 327 cm

  2. Approximately how many African-Canadians live in Canada?

  a. 600,000

  b. 8,400,000

  c. 13

  d. 3,500,000

  3. Are American woman the only ones who marry older powerful and influential men?

  a. Yes

  b. No

  4. Canadians measure their outside temperature in degrees of Celsius not Fahrenheit. What is the equivalent U.S. measurement for 22 degrees Celsius?

  a. 57

  b. 67

  c. 77

  d. 87

  5. Canadians are known for their love of beer; what is the most popular Canadian-owned brewing company in Canada?

  a. Labatt's Brewing Company Ltd.

  b. Molson Coors Brewing Company

  c. Sleeman's Breweries Ltd.

  d. Moosehead Breweries Limited

  6. Which of the following porn stars was born in Canada?

  a. Tiffany Towers

  b. Sunrise Adams

  c. Amanda Lexx

  d. Sunny Lane

  7. By government decree, what is Canada's national sport?

  a. Badminton

  b. Lacrosse

  c. Hockey

  d. Volleyball

  8. True or False: Canadians have more annual sex than their American counterparts.

  9. If you step on a Canadian's foot while waiting in line, should you:

  a. Apologize immediately

  b. Ignore it and pretend like nothing happened

  c. Pretend you rolled your ankle to gain the sympathy of your Canadian victim

  d. Wait for them to say they're “soorry”

  10. True or False: Famed American talk show host Larry King has married Canadian before.

  11. If the United States had become part of Canada, 99 percent of Americans (regardless of gender) would be playing hockey right now. True or False: Hockey skates are sized the same as shoes.

  12. True or False: Canadian teenage girls are less likely to become pregnant than American teenage girls.

  13. The country most similar to Canada in terms of population is:

  a. Afghanistan

  b. United Kingdom

  c. Cambodia

  d. Pakistan

  Answers 1.

  B. Michael J. Fox, the popular star of the hit situational comedies Family Ties and Spin City, measures in at a less than average 5' 4½″.

  2. C. Currently, the Archers of
Woodstock, Ontario, is the only black family living in Canada.

  3. B. Although scores of American woman marry older influential men, Canadian-born Grammy award-winning artist Céline Dion proved that even Canadians are willing to sell their marital pride for their own economic benefit when she wed her manager, who happens to be twenty-six years her senior.

  4. C. Only in America would meteorologists say the outside temperature will be a high of 77 degrees today.

  5. D. It is a real hit to the Canadian ego but their most identifiable beers are now owned by foreign companies. Labatt's Brewing Company, Ltd. is now owned by the Belgian brewer Interbrew. Molson Coors Brewing Company is now less Canadian and more American. Sleeman's Breweries, Ltd. is now owned by Japanese beer makers Sapporo Breweries. This leaves Moosehead Breweries Limited as Canada's largest Canadian-owned brewery.

  6. A. Tiffany Towers was born in Toronto, Ontario, in 1971, making her surgically enhanced 70FFF breasts ancient by the porn industry's standards.

  7. B. Unofficially it might be hockey, however, in an effort to keep peace with the Indian population the government agreed to keep lacrosse as the official sport of Canada, recognizing its Native Canadian heritage.

  8. False. The statistics don't lie. Americans have more sex. On average, Americans have sex 138 times a year, compared to the 105 times Canadians get busy annually. It is believed that the real reason for the disparity is the promiscuous nature of American high schoolers.

  9. D. No doubt about it. Almost instinctively, a Canadian will apologize for getting in your way.

  10. False. King is afraid that once he went Canadian he would never go back, and as he enjoys getting married often, he does not want to limited his applicant pool.

  11. False. Depending upon the manufacture of the skate, most hockey skates run at least a size to a size and a half smaller than your shoe size.

  12. True. On average, the Canadian teen pregnancy rate is significantly less than that of Americans.

  13. A. Canada's human population is 33,487,208 and Afghanistan's is 33,600,937. If you marked “b” you are wrong, as the population of the United Kingdom is 61,113,937. If you marked “c” you are about equally wrong, as the Cambodian population is 14,494,293. And for those who marked “d,” you are real wrong, as the population of Pakistan is a staggering 176,242,949.

  After you have graded your test please proceed to the chart on the following page to determine your readiness to be Canadian.

  0–3 correct answers: Yikes! You are not ready to eat gravy with your fries. However, you will now recognize July 1 as your new Independence Day.

  4–8 correct answers: Nice effort. You can order Canadian bacon at a restaurant and your Thanksgiving is now celebrated in October and has nothing to do with the pilgrims.

  9–13 correct answers: Outstanding. It is time to work on your Canadian accent to ease your assimilation into the Canadian culture. Hockey Night in Canada is now mandatory television viewing during hockey season. You understand that “God” can mean either God from heaven God, or Wayne Gretzky. Christmas is now a two-day holiday, as you will begin enjoying Boxing Day.

  Regardless of your score, you must now end most sentences with the word “eh.” It might seem awkward at first, but with enough practice it will become more natural. For those who struggle, it is suggested you practice in front of a mirror.

  1814 FRANCIS SCOTT KEY WRITES “THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER”

  Key's request to lay an urban beat underneath his poem was emphatically denied

  F.S.K. the Attorney

  Before guys like Francis Ford Coppola and James Earl Jones discovered that women love a man who is cool enough to use his whole name, there was a thirty-five-year-old hotshot named Francis Scott Key who had figured it all out.

  Key was a successful lawyer who had made several arguments in front of the right-leaning advocacy group known as the United States Supreme Court. He was a perfect wingman at a bar and just the kind of guy you look for when one of your buddies gets picked up as a civilian by the British military and consequently made a prisoner of war. Dr. William Beanes was that buddy who was inconveniently taken into British custody after General Ross of Britain finished burning down nearly every political building in Washington including former President Bill Clinton's and Jenny Craig spokeswoman Monica Lewinsky's favorite White House venue, the oral office.

  As Ross and his men were heading toward Baltimore harbor to catch a Ravens game and inflict additional casualties on the U.S. armed forces, Beanes's friends had FREE BEANES T-shirts designed and printed and then pooled some cash together to hire Key to seek his release with the help of Colonel John Skinner, the U.S. prisoner of war exchange agent. Shortly after Beanes's friends' retainer check cleared, Key found himself on a truce ship with Skinner, attempting to secure Beanes's release. After the successful negotiation, the three American amigos were detained on the ship, anchored eight miles from land, until the British attack was over. It was on this ship that Key the attorney became Key the poet, as he was inspired to write the words for what is now our national anthem.

  Slap the Flag and Ride the Wave In

  Four hundred five dollars and ninety cents went a long way in inspiring Key to write our sports pregame anthem. In the summer of 1813, major George Armistead, commander of Fort McHenry, wanted a flag so large that not only could a well-fed Kirstie Alley wrap herself in it but also any British naval ship could not miss his position. Mary Pickersgill, seamstress for hire, was contracted to make a 30′ × 42′ flag. For her efforts, she was paid the tidy sum of $405.90.

  In addition to making the huge garrison flag, Pickersgill also made a smaller yet still plus-sized 17′ × 25′ storm flag for $168.54 to be flown during inclement weather. Key was able to draw much of his inspiration for the writing of our national anthem from the construction of the massive flag.

  Gave Proof Thro' the Night

  With Key and the other two non-Mexican amigos sitting on the truce ship outside the harbor, the British began bombing Fort McHenry at 6:30 a.m. on September 13, 1814. Over the next twenty-five hours, the British pounded Fort McHenry like Jenna Jameson with heavy artillery and Congrove rockets. Key referenced the Congrove rockets' red glare in the sky with the line “and the rockets' red glare.” Armistead had been flying the smaller flag throughout the rainy night of September 13, 1814. But on the morning of September 14, 1814, after Armistead and his men had taken the best the British had to offer, he ordered the larger garrison flag raised in an act symbolic of pointing an American middle finger at the British. It was on that morning after the brutal assault by the British on Fort McHenry that the $405.90 garrison flag inspired Key to write a poem about what he had witnessed over the preceding twenty-five hours.

  The Poem That Became Our Anthem

  Witnessing that the flag was still there after the British version of shock and awe tapered off, Key was so orgasmically excited that Fort McHenry did not fall into the hands of the British he began to write a poem with the dry and unpoetic title of “The Defense of Fort McHenry” on the back of a letter he was carrying. THE POEM WAS FOUR STANZAS LONG; HOWEVER, IT IS ONLY THE FIRST STANZA THAT WAS WORTH THE SCRAP PAPER IT WAS WRITTEN ON, AND IT HAS COME TO BE RECOGNIZED AS OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.

  Since peace with the black man was even further removed than peace with the British, Key's request to lay an urban beat underneath his poem was emphatically denied by the hip-hop community of 1814. Instead, his words were later placed to the tune of a British bar song titled “To Anacreon in Heaven.” It quickly gained Obamamania-like popularity, and the name was changed to “The Star-Spangled Banner.” This catchy tune officially became our national anthem in 1931,when President Herbert Hoover signed a bill into law making “The Star-Spangled Banner” our official Olympic gold medal podium song of choice.

  1830 INDIAN REMOVAL ACT

  Ability to bring a gun to a tomahawk fight was not impressive

  This Land Is Your Land

  After months of strateg
izing with key political confidants, tarot card readers, and a talented but unemployed horse whisperer named Shh-neigh-neigh, President Andrew Jackson, friend of the white man, orchestrated a plan.

  His plan of presidential influence would earn him the love and adoration of screaming teenage Caucasian girls who were fearful of men with names like Bull Head, Catch the Bear, and Red Tomahawk. Jackson had long recognized that Euro transplants and their offspring deserved something special for making the long and difficult journey from the other side of the pond. They deserved what was already someone else's. They deserved to own the land that was inconveniently titled to men and women who were unaffectionately known as Indians.

  These Indians had proven to be quite a pain in the ass when it came to providing the round football loving new arrivals with the means to make their economic dreams come true. In 1830, at a nationally televised debate against Chief Squatting Bull, Jackson effectively argued outside a popular Manhattan delicatessen that the United States could not be the land of opportunity if it didn't have any land to give away. THIS ARGUMENT INSPIRED THE WHITE TELEVISION AUDIENCE WATCHING AT HOME LIKE A DAVID HASSELHOFF CONCERT INSPIRES GERMAN FREEDOM FIGHTERS.

  This Land Is My Land

  Prior to impressing debate monitors Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper, hosts of Squaw Box, with his oratory skills versus Chief Squatting Bull, Jackson was winning millions upon millions of acres of Indian land as a respected military leader a decade and a half earlier. Those critical of Jackson's Indian bullying argued that his ability to bring a gun to a tomahawk fight was not impressive. Jackson's success over the Indians allowed white-skins in the South to start job programs for captured black Africans. The same black Africans whose egos were fed by the fact that white Americans cared enough to purchase them and provide them and their descendents with lifetime job security.