The Slackers Guide to U.S. History

by John Pfeiffer

  Riding the wave of enthusiasm from land hungry whites, Jackson ushered legislation through both the House and the Senate that gave him the authority to trade unsettled, undeveloped, and difficult-to-farm land west of the Mississippi River for the lush, developed, and agricultural friendly land owned by Indians east of the Mississippi River. Using the same algorithm that China uses to ensure that trade with the United States is not fair and equitable, Jackson began negotiating with the major Indian tribes to trade his desert for their arable farmland. Despite Jackson's one-sided good faith negotiations with America's original settlers, many of them showed a total lack of appreciation for Jackson's land swap and refused to move.

  Please Relocate in an Orderly Fashion

  Despite Jackson's willingness to include colored beads in his crafty negotiations, there were some tribes who refused to play ball. This defiance left Jackson with no choice but to order General Petraeus to forcibly remove every Indian living east of the Mississippi. After years of indifferent results, the savvy Pe-traeus ordered a surge of military fighters. This surge in troop numbers proved to be the difference, as white America was able to rid itself of its pesky Indian problem and acquire the land they so richly deserved.

  1836 THE ALAMO

  Back like Montezuma's revenge

  In Remembrance of …

  Americans are lucky in that our country has a rich tradition of inspiring historically accurate stories to swell our pride to John Holmes proportions. Countries like Burkina Faso, Mauritius, and Kiribati exist in an environment void of any real significant reason to inspire national pride. Here in the United States, a young and attractive woman can truly achieve the American Dream by starting with nothing and achieving success. Starting as a Hooters waitress, wearing a tight-fitting tank top with skin-tight orange nylon shorts, to a shirt-removing, lap-dancing stripper, to a well-compensated international porn star, no mountain is too high. As for Kiribati, the women can't even find a Hooters, or even the poor man's equivalent, Wing House, to ignite their own inspiring tale. From U.S.-born-and-bred porn stars to gold medal Olympic efforts to military heroics on the battlefield, there are more chest pounding American events than we can ever be expected to remember. However, since 1836, we have been asked to remember to wrap it up when having sex with an evolved former Hooter's waitress and to remember the Alamo.

  When it comes to Hooters girls it is best to form good habits. Wrap it up early and often. Get in a condom-wearing routine until it becomes second nature for you. As far as remembering the Alamo, dial back a hundred and seventy years or so as even back then thousands of unruly Mexicans were causing problems in Willie Nelson's home state of Texas.

  The Battle Royal

  In December 1835, Ben Milam led Texan troops against Mexican combatants stationed at the former home for missionaries and their converts known as the Alamo. After several days of intense fighting, the Texans were victorious. However, by February 1836, the Mexicans were back like Montezuma's revenge. General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna brought his alternative late army to San Antonio, ready to attack.

  Early on, the Texans made a unanimous decision (including the handful of nonvoting black slaves that were at the Alamo) that they were not going to surrender to a general with a girl's name. William B. Travis, mediocre warrior, but great community organizer, sent couriers out to ask for help, and with the few men who enthusiastically returned, the defense total reached approximately 200 versus around 8,000 Mexican troops.

  Legend has it the motivational Colonel Travis drew a line in the sand and said all who wanted to stay and fight with him should cross it, and if there were any yellow-bellied sellouts, they were free to leave. Of course, the only one who did not cross the line was Moses Rose, who, naturally, was French. HIS LEGEND QUICKLY BECAME THE YELLOW ROSE OF TEXAS, OR JUST “CHICKEN SHIT” FOR SHORT.

  Once the Alamo fell into Mexican hands, the final death toll was estimated at 189 Texan defenders, at least 1,600 Mexicans, and 208 Chihuahuas. Unable to find a battle in which 95 percent of their combatants died, in order to instill some reason for national pride, the governments of both Burkina Faso and Mauritius have applied for Hooters franchises to be built in their humble countries.

  1846–1848 THE MEXICAN WAR

  Without a Republican-inspired fence to keep them out

  American Invasion

  As José sipped away on his sweet tea he turned to look at the tavern door. “Oh, it's them again,” he mumbled as the dirty Americans made their way into the bar. He didn't really like the Americans. Oh, they kept the neighbor's yard well landscaped and they were able painters, but they stilled annoyed José. They were probably here in the great territory of Texas illegally, he thought. José's government had encouraged some of these Americans to come in and make themselves at home, but this was getting out of control.

  Such was the scene in the 1830s in the Mexican-owned territory of Texas. Mexico had secured the territory in a fistfight-with-guns military squabble with Spain in 1821. As part of the “we are now going to get along” peace treaty, they acquired the territories of California, New Mexico, and Texas. Following the conflict with Spain, the Mexican government was poor. Being unable to rub a couple of pesos together for good luck, the government of Mexico encouraged American settlers to inhabit the area of Texas in hopes the Americans would bring their God-given guns with them to help protect the newly acquired land.

  Without real border control or a Republican-inspired fence to keep them out, many more Americans settled in Texas than the Mexicans anticipated or wanted. The higher concentration of Americans, the natives' displeasure with the financial state of the Mexican government, and the lack of suitable drinking water caused the Texans to revolt in 1836, striving to gain their independence from the troubled poncho-appreciating nation of Mexico. When the revolution was crushed, the revolutionaries made overtures to the United States to annex their territory.

  Mexican Buffet

  As José rode his burro through town, he saw more Americans. Why did they have to come here? Of course sales of energy drinks and taquitos were way up, and if you needed a truckload of them, they were always available as day laborers, but the Americans were lazy and never showed up for work before 10:00 A.M.

  Leading up to the Mexican war, the pacifist nation of the United States attempted to kindly purchase a large portion of Mexico's territory. But, despite their financial hardship, the Mexican government was confrontationally refusing to sell, obligating the United States to take it forcefully for the betterment of God's favored Americans. The conflict lasted from 1846 until 1848, with the United States emerging victorious.

  War correspondents from Reuters were embarrassed by what they felt was a naked land grab by a stronger nation. The United States easily added the land that became the states of California, Nevada, and Utah. Not quite satisfied, they went back to the all-you-can-take land buffet and got seconds in the form of parts of Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, and Wyoming. In an effort to show that the United States was fair and just, they wired $18 million dollars to the struggling Mexican government, which was about half what they had originally offered before they were forced into war by the unappreciative Mexicans.

  As José arrived home, he passed yet another American restaurant that had sprung up in the area. Burritos and refried beans, yee-haw! All of their food tasted the same, and it was funny how they seemed to all have the same menu items numbered exactly the same way. No matter where you went, a number four was always two tacos (one chicken, one beef) with a side of rice and beans. José just hoped the government was going to do something to shore up the borders, as these Americans were taking over.

  1848–1855 THE CALIFORNIA GOLD RUSH

  Today, the American Dream consists of waking up with Paris and Britney.

  Head West Young Man

  The California gold rush was a period of time where anyone with a little determination and luck could achieve the American Dream. Today, with the Chinese and the European Union runn
ing our economy, the American Dream consists of waking up naked in a bed with Paris and Britney.

  It was in 1848 that James Marshall discovered the precious metal in Co-loma, California, that resulted in lottery-like riches for so many dreamers. AS RUMORS OF THE DISCOVERY SPREAD LIKE NEWS OF ANOTHER PALIN FAMILY TEEN PREGNANCY, MANY REMAINED SKEPTICAL. That is, until President James K. Polk confirmed the rumors on Hannity's America in December 1848, setting off a traffic jam on dirt roads headed west. As word spread of the many fortunes being made, people from all over the world flocked to California hoping to strike it rich. The pull of the gold rush was so strong it attracted fortune seekers from Europe, South America, Asia, and even Australia. The land wasn't owned by any particular person or government at the time, so any gold you found was yours to keep. The first wave of dreamers were called “'49ers” for the year they headed west. This massive quest for bling brought Hannah Montana — size crowds, as approximately 300,000 were reported to make the journey to the west coast.

  San Francisco was a virtually unknown town when all of this began. In the first two years alone, its population grew from around 1,000 souls to an estimated 25,000 heartless gold diggers. For some, the attraction was gold, for others it was the city's tolerance for man-on-man action. Smart entrepreneurs opened up businesses around the boom. Mining-supply stores, saloons, hotels, restaurants, whorehouses, and gambling halls all showed up, as every vice was equally represented.

  This massive influx of people led to the creation of here-today-gone-tomorrow mining towns. With all of the settlements and mining came disputes and the eventual creation of a set of rules to govern the area now known as California. In 1850, with all of its growth, California was admitted as the thirty-first state. Free from the class structure that was in place on the east coast, these trailblazers acted like Panama City spring breakers on steroids. Along with this freedom, wealth, and underdeveloped government came opportunity.

  What Happens Here, Stays Here

  As the rush continued, the gold began to disappear. As the gold dried up, miners continued to dream, working longer hours, filthy and unshowered for weeks at a time, taking on a resemblance to Jack Black. With the gold slowly disappearing from the area, hopeful miners turned to gambling, and if desperate enough, crime to help get by. It became harder and harder to find the golden shower they so desperately wanted. But the few who did hit the mother lode even into the 1850s kept the hopefuls arriving. This environment of a very few well-publicized lucky winners among a sea of losers became the basic business model for modern-day Las Vegas. THIS HOLDS TRUE FOR ALL VEGAS CASINOS EXCEPT FOR CAESARS' PALACE, WHERE, WHEN THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS ARRIVE, EVERYONE WINS.

  Keep Dreaming

  Up until this time in American history, the American Dream was of hard work, slow and steady results, building savings, and growing your wealth to join the growing upper-middle class. The gold rush of the 1850s changed all of that. Historian H. W. Brands noted, “The new dream was the dream of instant wealth, won in a twinkling by audacity and good luck. [This] golden dream … became a prominent part of the American psyche only after [Sutter's Mill].” Other than the holy grail of a Paris-Britney threesome, today, the American Dream for many has been reduced to hitting the jackpot on a scratch-off lottery ticket while chugging malt liquor in the gas station parking lot.

  1857 DRED SCOTT DECISION

  A financial no-brainer for white families that wanted to live a little bit of the good life

  Slave Labor for the Benefit of All Non-Slaves

  On March 4, 1857, as the new president, James Buchanan, took office, the issue of slavery was looming large across the United States. For decades, the fiscally irresponsible Northern states resisted slavery under the guise of human rights. Their argument was that their God was a loving God who created everyone equally. To the sadness of their bank accounts and shopaholic wives, they ignored the significant economic benefits that were associated with owning slaves.

  The economic benefit to owning slaves was never-ending, including amortizing the initial slave purchase over the course of several years to lower your taxes. Besides, using proven “encouragement techniques,” a slave owner could have their whole farm ploughed and replanted for what it costs the Chinese to make a cast-iron matchbox car covered in lead paint. Slavery was a financial no-brainer for white families that wanted to live a little bit of the good life. With the failure of the North to recognize the wisdom of slavery, a constant battle between the Northerners and the “black labor is good but black slavery is better” Southerners played out daily around the country.

  I'm in No Rush to Get Back to Work

  Citing the death of his master, army surgeon John Emerson, slave-turned-freedom-seeker Dred Scott decided to plead his case for liberty in front of the Missouri courts. Scott argued that he was actually a free citizen due to his fortuitous stays in Illinois and Wisconsin Territory, where slavery was barred under the Northwest Ordinance and the Missouri Compromise. Initially, his position was accepted by a lower St. Louis county court; however, on appeal, the Missouri State Supreme Court disagreed. The court ordered Scott, his wife, their kids, and the family dog, Liberty, back into the life of slavery. With the fight for freedom still raging and in no hurry to work in the fields for someone else's benefit, perpetual slacker Scott appealed the decision to the United States Supreme Court.

  The Fix Was In

  At the time, the Supreme Court was not a respected judicial institution that citizens, slaves, and Indians could look to for unbiased decisions rooted in legal fact. It was much like it is today, a mechanism for legislating from the bench, where justices' decisions are based on the political wishes of the party that put them into their cozy lifetime appointment. Much like the modern-day Supreme Court's ruling in favor of recovering alcoholic and great executioner George W. Bush in the 2000 presidential election, Scott's decision broke down along party lines. On March 6, 1857, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled against Dred Scott and his bid for freedom. UNFORTUNATELY FOR SCOTT, THIS FIGHT WAS FIXED, AND DON KING WASN'T EVEN INVOLVED.

  Dismissed with Extreme Prejudice

  Writing for the majority, eighty-year-old former slave owner turned Chief Justice Roger Taney ruled that blacks were not citizens and therefore Scott and his kind had no rights to petition the court for anything from Pop Tarts to freedom. He concluded that blacks “are so inferior that they had no rights which a white man was bound to respect.” Feeling his prejudicial juices flowing, Taney trumped the whole “blacks are not citizens” play with a “blacks are so not citizens they are actually property” play. This meant that the owning of blacks was protected by the Fifth Amendment, no matter what state you lived in, thereby putting Dred and his dog Liberty on equal footing.

  The fallout of Taney's ruling was that all legislative compromises were now off the table. The Supreme Court had ruled that blacks were property, not citizens, and white people could own 'em, breed 'em, and beat 'em. The only way the Northern states could prove that with a little sunscreen white and black skins were created equal in the mind of their God, was to get that written into the Constitution. Unfortunately, the South didn't just disagree, they strongly disagreed, and it ultimately required the death of 600,000 Americans to twist their arms to begrudgingly see the light. Following the North's Civil War victory, this change was put into the Constitution, and Liberty was demoted on the family totem pole.

  1861–1865 THE CIVIL WAR

  Different from “marital compromise,” this one didn't involve going without sex for long periods of time

  The War That Pitted Brother vs. Brother — about the Bruthas

  Eighty-five years after the Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence, all hell broke loose. The Union consisted of thirty-four states that were deeply divided. The central issue that threw the country into civil war was whether oral activities met the definition of sex in the new Union, and to a lesser degree, the issue of slavery.

  The Southern states argued that slavery
was a necessary ingredient to sustain the profitability of their many farming communities. Really, how can anyone expect you to pay a fair wage and still give your white wife and kids the lifestyle they deserve? No need getting your hands dirty working in the fields when God made you white. He had options when you were born and obviously felt you were qualified to manage a staff of black slaves.

  On the other hand, the more economically advanced economy of the North wanted no part of slavery. Northerners had adopted the philosophy of all men being created equal. Yes men; women were way behind the equality curve at this time. THE EXCEPTIONS WERE MEN FROM NEW YORK AND BOSTON, WHERE EVEN TODAY THEY CONTINUE TO ARGUE THEIR SUPERIORITY.

  Unfortunately for the South, the sixteenth president of the United States was Abraham Lincoln, from Illinois. Lincoln, whose mug shot you can now find on the penny, was philosophically against the concept of slavery for the United States and had designs to emancipate his brothers from another mother. These divisions in philosophy, economic policy, and definitions of sex laid the groundwork for the deadliest battle in American history.

  The Civil War Begins