Right Now

by Marie Hall

  “Ryko,” I said in warning. When I’d told him it was none of his business, I’d meant it.

  “Look, I’m just worried about you.” He slapped his palm on the desk, causing me to jerk in response. Taking a deep breath, he stood and walked into me, his tall, lanky body crowding mine. Soulful brown eyes stared deep into my own, and then he was brushing the corner of my jaw with his knuckles and I was shocked to notice I felt nothing. Where before there would have been fire and passion, now I was cold.

  Ice Queen strikes again.

  “Tell him not to screw it up the way I did. Second he does, I’ll be there. I’ll make you notice me again, Z. I know what I lost and what I want back. And those pieces of ass, they mean nothing. They never did. I was an idiot that didn’t know, didn’t understand, but I do now.”

  The air grew tense with unspoken thoughts and in his eyes I saw that he wanted to kiss me, wanted to mark me the way he used to. Brush his lips and tongue against my own, claim me as only his. He’d been so good at that before. But my heart had moved on, even if I was currently trying to forget the guy I’d latched it to.

  He leaned in and I gulped.

  Sidestepping him, I slipped underneath the arm he’d planted over my head and took a deep breath. “You hurt me, Ry, and it’s really over. Let me go, because I let you go.”

  Without stopping to look back, I opened the door and slipped back out, attempting to ignore the daggers Candy threw at me.

  Tor came up to me then, stretching his beefy arms above his head. The flaming red tip of his goatee almost seemed to glow against his white T-shirt. “Dollface.” He hugged my shoulders, dragging me into his broad body. “My shift ends in about an hour, band’s gonna be setting up at the Howler tonight. You game?”

  I loved his voice. Tor actually was a transplant from Norway; he’d learned English in college and now had only a slight trace of the dulcet accent in his speech. Wrinkling my nose, my lips twisted. I loved Tor, he was like the big brother I’d never had, but I honestly couldn’t stand his music. I was into rockabilly, ska, blues, even some country. Tor was all thrash and death metal with the occasional techno beat thrown in for good measure, and it so wasn’t my scene.

  “Aww, c’mon.” He gently punched my bicep. “What’s a band without its groupies?”

  I laughed. “Groupie, Tor?” But thinking about the nothing waiting for me at home, I shrugged.

  “Band has gone in a different direction lately, too. Think you might like it.” He waggled his blond brows.

  “Why the hell not?” I laughed. “It’s been a while since I went down to the club.” I still wasn’t expecting much. Different direction for the free-spirited Tor could mean so many possibilities.

  Ryko came up behind us then and he must have overheard our conversation, because he said, “I’m closing up early tonight anyway. We’ll all go. The entire shop.”

  He didn’t look at me, but he didn’t have to. I knew what he’d done, he’d thrown down the gauntlet. Bastard, he’d totally pushed me into a corner and I couldn’t back out now without offending my Viking.

  Patting me with a strong palm, Tor chucked my chin. “No matter what happens, I’ve got your back.” He winked and I hugged him, letting him know without words how much I appreciated him.

  I guess there were still a couple of good guys left in the world.

  “Can I change first?”

  “You know I love you anyway you come, but yeah, you can change. When you get there, just tell them you’re on the list.”

  “Then put Jamie on the list too. I’m not sure if she’ll be able to make it, but I’m going to try.”

  His smile grew wide. “That little blonde you hang out with all the time?”

  The way he asked made me narrow my eyes. Did Tor have the hots for Jamie and I’d never realized it? The two of them couldn’t look more opposite, but the more I thought about it, the more I warmed up to the idea of them as a couple. As overwhelmingly huge as Tor was, and not fat either, the man was as tall as Alex and twice as thick. Pure muscle and gristle—he called it his Viking legacy. He’d dwarf my miniature friend. Maybe that was just what she needed. Of course, she was so freaking obsessed with Angel that I feared it might be a lost cause from the get-go, but I still wanted to try.

  I smiled. “Yeah, that’s her.”

  He nodded. “I’ll put her on the list.”

  I dug out my phone, intending to call Jamie, and I noticed a missed message. It was from Alex. This time I listened.

  “Zoe, I’m sorry. I don’t know if you’re getting my other messages or not. Look, something happened yesterday. I just…” I could hear the strain and frustration in his tone. “Call me, okay.”

  The line went dead and all I wanted was to dial his number back. My heart ached to hear his voice. But this was the same crap Ryko had put me through for two years. I wouldn’t be anybody’s doormat. Not again.

  Closing my eyes, I pressed Delete and then called Jamie. She wasn’t home.

  The rest of the day went by in a blur of needle noise and music. By the time seven rolled around, I was ready to call it a night. I really didn’t feel like going to the club, but I also didn’t feel like vegging on the couch and pissing and moaning about my crappy love life.

  Tor shouted at my back. “Howlers!”

  Giving him the thumbs-up, I smiled. “Give me an hour. I’ll be there.”

  “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass.” Candy sneered, curling her too-sharp nose and collagen-enhanced lips.

  Ugh, I really hoped she wasn’t going to the club too. But considering she was Ryko’s current flavor of the month, odds were good she was.

  I was almost to my car when I saw Alex. He was leaning against the hood of my car, he had his left hand wrapped in white gauze, and he was staring up at the sky with one of the saddest looks I’d ever seen.

  I remembered those looks from school. The way his eyes grew distant and he didn’t seem to be in the now, but was lost in his head and in the memories only he could see.

  Suddenly he looked at me as if he’d sensed exactly where I was. His eyes were hungry as they traveled the length of my body and though we weren’t close in distance the way Ryko had been with me, I felt Alex’s touch burn like a brand right through me.

  I sucked in a sharp breath. “What are you doing here?”

  “You didn’t answer my calls.” He sounded hurt.

  Crossing my arms over my chest, I shrugged but walked slowly closer as if my feet had a mind all their own. “You stood me up.”

  “I’m sorry.” He drew closer.

  “Jamie saw you.” The last part hurt the worst, it spilled off my tongue like a grenade and he winced.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered again. He was closer now.

  “Who was that girl?” My jaw trembled and I was not going to cry. I wasn’t. I refused to show him how much it hurt.

  Scrubbing his face with his fists, he shrugged. “I don’t know. I rarely do. Zoe, I’m broken. I went to the bar last night to forget. I drank too much and that chick…” A sound like a growl tore from his lips. “It should never have happened.”

  “Yeah. It shouldn’t.” I tried to get around him, to get to my car so that I could drive off and not have to have this conversation. I didn’t want him to know how much this hurt. “But it’s not like we’re anything, right? You can kiss whoever…”

  His hands gripped my arms and he was squeezing, not hard enough to bruise, but enough that I wouldn’t be able to walk away. “I want you. Only you.”

  I shook my head and damned the lone tear that leaked out the corner of my eye. This was ridiculous; we’d barely begun seeing each other. It shouldn’t feel like this. Not already. This heavy, sucking hurt in the pit of my stomach.

  He looked unbelievable tonight; his wavy hair was messy, not as manicured as he normally kept it. Alex looked less like a model and more like a real man. The jeans hugging his hips were perfect, the shirt clung to his rock-hard frame, and I hated that e
ven after everything I was still so aware of him. Of the flecks in his silver eyes, of the scruff on his square jaw, of the way his nostrils flared as he stared back at me.

  “Yes. I screwed up. It’s what I do, Zoe. I screw up. But I swear, whatever Jamie saw, it wasn’t what she thought. I swear. I was drunk and shoved that woman off me several times. She was after my wallet more than she was after me. Tell me you believe me.” His face turned down. “Please.”

  I knew I shouldn’t, but I just couldn’t stop myself. I framed his face and he leaned into me, resting his forehead against mine, his lashes fanning against the tops of his cheeks. His body shivered and it made me feel better. Like maybe he wasn’t just saying these words because he’d gotten caught, but maybe that he meant it. I wanted to believe that so bad.

  “You hurt me.” I finally let the truth come out. “Bad. I can’t deal with games. I won’t deal with games.”

  “I want to be with you, Zo, I swear.” He grabbed my wrists, holding them tight, and that’s when I noticed that the knuckles of his left hand were an ugly shade of bluish-purple and looking very swollen. It had to hurt, but he wasn’t even cringing when he flexed it. There had to be a story behind it, and maybe it had something to do with why he’d stood me up.

  “Tell me you believe me,” he whispered, scattering my thoughts.

  “Why did you do that? What is going on with you, Alex? I don’t want to like you; I don’t want to get involved in another toxic relationship. I should leave. I should.”

  Turning my wrist, he planted a kiss against the delicate skin and I inhaled sharply, feeling the pull of that touch everywhere. Heat danced and swam in my vision, made my pulse throb almost painfully in my chest.

  “Don’t give up on me,” he whispered.

  “How can I trust you when we’ve barely just begun and already I find out you’re with someone else?” I squeezed my eyes shut, dreading asking this question, but I needing to know. “Did you—”

  “No.” He pulled back quickly, letting me look deep into his unflinching gunmetal gaze. “I was drunk and I was stupid, but nothing happened. I swear.”

  “Except that you kissed her.”

  He swallowed hard. “No, I didn’t. She came on to me and my brain was so fuzzy and God…” He closed his eyes. “That sounds so freaking lame. Zoe, I swear. I’m so, so sorry.”

  “How can I trust you? Why should I?”

  “I hit rock bottom yesterday. I realize that. I won’t do it again.”

  Everything inside me screamed to let him wrap me up in his arms again, kiss me the way he had the night of the carnival, the night when everything still felt possible. What was freaking me out more than anything was how new all this was, but how intense my feelings were already. I was at a crossroads and I knew it.

  “You said you’re broken, Alex. How? How are you broken? Give me a reason to believe in you again.”

  He winced and stepped back and I felt the absence of his warmth.

  A bitter laugh escaped him. “I had this exact conversation with Ryan years ago. Told him to tell his girl the truth, and here I am today, and I can finally understand why he didn’t want to.”

  I couldn’t understand what he was rambling about, but I heard the pain and I knew with my entire being that whatever demon had been haunting him since high school was the same one haunting him still.

  He was staring at his feet, flexing his swollen hand, and in that instant my heart bled for him. Alex didn’t look like a player, or like a man with an agenda—he looked broken and pitiful and I didn’t stop to think about protecting myself. I had to help him. Had to hold him. So I did. Moving back into his body, I wrapped my arms around his waist.

  “What’s going on, Alex?”

  A shudder rolled through him. I’d never expected this question to elicit such a response. Rubbing his back, I rested my head against his heart, hearing the frenetic beat of it move against my ear. Maybe he was telling me the truth. Maybe this was more than a guy who couldn’t keep it in his pants. Or was I just making excuses like I had with Ryko; was this the writing on the wall and I was already ignoring the signs?

  “Can you give me time, Zoe? I’m not asking for forever, but give me time to gain my courage?”

  Could I?

  Yes.

  Did I want to was the real question. Was I willing to deal with the questions and his erratic behavior while I waited for the answer? What if his answer wound up being something as stupid as I’ve got caveman DNA and don’t know how to stay faithful to one woman. Same crap Ryko had told me.

  Another tremor rolled through his back.

  In my heart I didn’t think that was the case with Alex. The nightmares Alex grappled with seemed to be the kind that came from a deep wellspring of pain. Hugging him tight to me, I nodded reluctantly.

  “I’ll wait. But you need to promise me something right now.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t hurt me again. If you want to kiss or sex up other girls, then just leave me alone.”

  His lips brushed the top of my head and I inhaled deeply, fighting the sudden urge to scuttle off.

  “I swear. With everything inside me. I’m going to make this right. I’m going to fix myself. Give me time to do it. I’ve been working on it, even before you. I’m not trying to say I’ll fix myself for you though, I need you to understand that.”

  I narrowed my eyes, not sure what he meant. He must have noticed my look because he shook his head.

  “I mean, Zoe, that I’m not lying. I recognize my problems and am working on them. So this isn’t me telling you what you want to hear. This is me being as real as I can for the first time in my life.”

  Leaning in slowly, giving me time to escape if I wanted to, he sealed his words with a kiss, the kind that stole my breath, made me see stars, and turned my legs to jelly. I was clawing at his shirt, desperate to get him to my bed, to take him out of his clothes and wrap my body around him so hard he’d never have a chance to think about someone else. He’d never want to stray.

  The urge to do it was so powerful I pulled back; I wouldn’t give myself to him like that. Not yet. I wanted to trust him, I wanted to see where this led, but I didn’t want to be stupid in love again.

  “What are you doing tonight?” he asked.

  “I’ve got plans.” I sighed. Much as I wanted to hang with Alex, I wasn’t going to flake out on Tor.

  His eyes grew hooded again, turned distant, and I didn’t want him to think I was just making excuses. “Come with me?”

  He frowned. “Where?”

  “The Howler. My friend’s band has a gig there and I promised to show up in support.”

  I expected him to say no. I knew the moment I’d mentioned the club that he didn’t want to go. Alex was about as interested in thrash metal as I was, and for the cowboy, that probably felt like a little slice of hell.

  “Yeah, okay. I’ll go.”

  Chapter 10

  Alex

  Guys were staring.

  She was hot. Dressed in a black skintight sheath and blue suede pumps, with the bright red jewel of a flower tucked into her straight black hair, she was Aphrodite personified. With her tattoos and hard look, she fit right in to this place.

  Me. Nah.

  She’d asked me if I’d wanted to change before coming out, but I hated to admit that I really was the jock she accused me of being. My closet was like a living, breathing American Eagle locker room. Jeans and muscle shirts and ball caps.

  Zoe was a jewel in this crowd—the majority of people were dressed almost entirely in black. What little color there actually was almost appeared black, it was so dark. It didn’t help that Tor had reserved us a table almost at the front of the club. The moshers practically breathed down our necks, the mosh pit was so close.

  At least I could say this about the Howler, it was upscale death. There were onyx chandeliers and real crystal goblets serving up a glowing green drink they called Absinthe. I’d never tasted the stuff but was pre
tty sure that was the same shit Poe had offed himself with eventually.

  What women were there were dressed unlike anything I’d ever seen, looking like Elvira with their crazy leather dresses that appeared painted on. And the hair—some had shaved heads, others sported a rainbow of colors. Pink, green, blue, neon yellow… this place was wild and I shifted in my seat, tapping the table and wondering yet again how the hell I’d walked into this.

  There was a band onstage, yelling and screaming into the mic and the lead singer was dripping something that looked suspiciously like blood down the center of his shirtless bird chest. How could I possibly fit into her life? Much as I liked her, craved her, it was hard to ignore the constant differences with us. But then when I contemplated leaving her behind as I had so many others, it did strange, ugly things to my insides. This shouldn’t work, we shouldn’t work, and yet I’d never wanted something more in my life.

  Zoe tickled my ribs and leaned into me, her smell of oranges enveloping me and instantly calming the chaos in my head. “You okay?”

  I lifted my brow. Depended on her definition of okay.

  Ryko leaned in. I hadn’t realized when I’d agreed to come along tonight that the entire shop was tagging along. Billy Badass hadn’t taken his eyes off us all night, looking at Zoe with undisguised lust, and me with pure venom.

  “What’s wrong, vanilla? Can’t handle the heat?” His dark eyes danced.

  “Hey,” Zoe snapped.

  Getting up from her seat, she crawled onto my lap, her tight little body wedged in so close to me that I immediately hardened. I hoped she wasn’t feeling it; the sex thing was a topic I was hesitant to broach again, especially because of what happened last night. I was just grateful she was still talking to me.

  “He’s doing just fine. Besides, this isn’t your scene either, Mr. Rage Against the Machine.”

  Ryko rolled his eyes.

  I latched my hand to Zoe’s thigh, feeling a need to lay claim. To let the asshat in front of me know she was with me tonight. Also, I couldn’t deny that her defending me against the use of a nickname she frequently called me made my pulse skitter.