Right Now

by Marie Hall

  “How do you think it made me feel?” I tossed the question back at her.

  Setting the notepad down, she rubbed her pearl necklace between her thumb and finger. “Judging by the tone of your voice, not happy.”

  “Not happy.” I snorted. “That’s one way to put it. Try pissed. Or so furious I wanted to kill him.” I nodded. “How sick does that make me that for a second I imagined wrapping my hands around his neck and squeezing what little life he still has left out of him?” My laughter was full of bitterness.

  “It’s perfectly normal, actually. To imagine acts of violence against those who’ve perpetuated violence in their own lives.” She shrugged. “It doesn’t make you atypical or abnormal.”

  I rolled my eyes. “That the same crap you tell Ryan?”

  I don’t know why I was taking it out on her—it wasn’t her fault, but I couldn’t help that I was angry, that it made me sick the type of viciousness I wanted to commit against him.

  “You know I can’t talk to you about your cousin. But this isn’t about him. It’s about you and your father.”

  “Yeah, and what he did to him!” I leaned forward, veins in my neck bulging with my heavy breaths. “That’s what all this is about. What it’s always been about. When he showed up at my job, I went nuts.” My voice went flat. “I was supposed to go on a date that night, but I didn’t. You know what I did instead?”

  I didn’t give her a chance to say anything before I was answering my own question.

  “I went to a bar. Got so drunk I barely remember that night. Zoe’s friend had the honor of seeing me puke all over the place. Great memories.” I ground my molars, thinking about that all over again.

  She waited for me to calm down. She didn’t speak, just looked at me with her guileless eyes, and I shook my head, giving a soft chuckle. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”

  “No. It’s okay, really. I’ve had worse.” Her smile was sweet and understanding, and I looked up at the tiled drop ceiling, counting each square across my field of vision.

  “Do you want to hear what I think is happening?”

  Inhaling, I flicked my fingers in her direction. “Hit me.”

  “I think you’re floundering because he doesn’t need you to save him anymore.”

  “What?” My brows knit.

  “Ryan. He doesn’t need you anymore, so you’ve lost your purpose. You made women that purpose. And for a while it worked.”

  She stopped talking, looking at me expectantly, like she was waiting for me to say something.

  “So what?” I shrugged.

  “But the women aren’t working anymore.”

  I thought of Zoe and her softness, so different than what she looked like on the outside. My girl looked tough, like she ate nails for breakfast, but I saw the real her in that bed, saw the gentleness inside her. It called to me like the flicker of a flame that drew a moth.

  “She will work.”

  “No.” Doc shook her head. “You told me once that Ryan tried to make Lili his savior and you knew then it wouldn’t work. Couldn’t. Because the power to heal, it comes from within. Your words, right?”

  I hated when she was right. Man, it pissed me off, made me see red, because how could I refute that truth? But I wasn’t using Zoe for sex. I wasn’t. Yeah, so maybe we’d had sex after that confrontation with John, but it wasn’t to make me forget.

  The sick feeling in my gut didn’t agree with me. Resting my elbows on my knees, I grabbed my hair. “I know she can’t save me. I’m not trying to do that to her. I just like being with her.”

  “Okay, then let me ask you this.” The repetitive taps of her pen on the notepad made me grit my teeth. “Say the situation was reversed. That it was Zoe with your secret and her methodology of coping meant she had to go out each night and find a new sex partner.”

  Even thinking it made my pulse slam hard in my throat, made my mouth dry. I clenched the hair in my hand.

  “She loves you, though. But how would you feel?”

  “That’s not even remotely the same thing. I don’t go out trying to sex up anybody else. I might sleep around a lot, but when I’m in a relationship, I stick around. I don’t go out looking for other women.”

  She lifted a brow, a knowing glimmer in her eyes.

  Cocking my head, I growled. “That asshole told you, didn’t he?” I couldn’t believe Ryan had ratted me out like that. I’d always kept his secret—it didn’t matter that we shared the same doctor and that eventually I’d get around to telling her myself, it hadn’t been his secret to tell.

  Lifting the other brow so that both of them now almost crested her hairline, she gave me an innocent look.

  “Dammit.” I shook my head, wishing my cousin was here right now so that I could smash my fist into his face. Of course, he was definitely the better fighter and would likely have me pinned to the ground in less than a minute, but I only needed a second to break his nose. “I was drunk. The chick came on to me and I stopped…” I paused. I hadn’t stopped anything. If Jamie hadn’t walked in, if she hadn’t caught me, what might have happened?

  I hadn’t cared. I’d been too busy trying to drown John out, to forget him. Forget his words. Looking at it objectively, a sick, heavy feeling centered in my gut with the force of a bomb going off. I’d given up. I’d fought at first, told the woman no, but once she became more aggressive, I’d let her do what she wanted. What if she’d pulled my zipper down? Would I have stopped it then? What if Jamie hadn’t shown up?

  A cold sweat covered my body.

  “Go on, Alex.”

  Her voice broke me from my thoughts and I looked up, startled, forgetting for a second where I was.

  “Fuck,” I breathed. “I… shiiit. What is wrong with me?”

  She sighed. “As I’ve told you many times before, you’re very, very normal. Exposing the rawness of who we are, it’s very sobering and not always a pleasant experience. The first step in healing, Alex, is recognizing the truth and not fighting it. Stop making excuses for ourselves. Own up to our ugly truths and be determined that next time, we’ll do the opposite of what our first inclination tells us to do.”

  “Be opposite,” I muttered with a low chuckle, the words yet again coming back to bite me in the ass. Karma was definitely a capital B.

  Checking her watch, she nodded. “But this isn’t really the truth of it either is it?”

  “What are you talking about?” I sat up straighter, instantly alert because of the hawklike gleam in her eyes.

  “C’mon, Alex, we’ve skated around this one for months. You asked me once to just lay it out there. Well, over the months I’ve come to care for you like a son, and I think it’s time you tell me the truth.”

  I was cold. Every inch of me. My mouth was dry, my heart thumping a little too hard. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  She cocked her head, looking so much like a sweet, matronly grandmother, like Lili’s mother might have if she’d been healthy, if she was still around. I swallowed, but it wasn’t easy around the sudden hard lump in my throat.

  Sighing, Doc shifted on her seat, bopping her leg and just staring at me. “The truth, Alex, that’s what I’m talking about. The root of this problem. I believe you know. You know, but you keep trying to fight it, to hide from it.”

  I licked the inside of my cheek, tasting nothing but metal and blood. Realizing I’d bitten the soft meat too hard, that I’d cut myself.

  She smiled. It was a determined smile, and my stomach flopped. It sank to the region of my knees, because I knew what she was getting at.

  “A few months ago you told me you often went to bed as a child terrified. Why do you think that was?”

  I was blinking, trying in vain to clear the sudden black spots dancing all through my vision. “What are you doing?” My voice shook.

  She sighed and uncrossed then recrossed her legs. “Alex, all of this, it’s all good. You tell me about your week, your dates, but the underlying cause of all your
problems has yet to be addressed—”

  “Yes, it has!” I swiped my hand through the air, trying in vain to shut her up, to cut off her words just so I wouldn’t have to think about this. Wouldn’t have to scratch deeper than the surface.

  “Why are you so angry at John?”

  Nostrils flaring, vision almost completely black, I shook my head hard. “Stop.”

  “Answer me, Alex,” she said softly.

  “Stop it.” I shot to my feet, hands balled tight to my sides, lungs heaving in and out as I tried to take in a breath that didn’t hurt.

  She just looked up at me softly, her big eyes full of compassion and sincerity, and it hurt so damn much. I winced, mouth drawing down as the ache in my lungs spread to my stomach, down my arms and legs. I began to tremble.

  “Why did seeing John again make you melt down the way you did?” she asked softly.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the sound of her gentle voice.

  “Stop.” I covered my ears with my fists. But I still heard her.

  “The truth, Alex. Healing cannot come until you face the truth.”

  “Because he raped Ryan,” I snarled, snapping my jaws shut afterward.

  “No.” She shook her head. “That’s only part of it. That’s not the whole truth. Tell me, Alex, say it out loud.”

  Fire burned all through me. “Because he raped Ryan,” I roared, wanting to hit something before I imploded from the pain.

  “No.” She stood but didn’t draw closer. Doctor Alvarez was so small compared to me, child-sized, but she kept her eyes locked on mine, brave in the face of my fury. “Stop lying to yourself. Do you want this to work with this girl? With your Zoe?”

  Just saying that name was like a bucket of ice water. “Yes.”

  “Then say it. Why did seeing John make you have another meltdown? Why did—”

  I clawed the sides of my head and I didn’t think, just reacted. “Because if Ryan hadn’t been there that night, it would have been me. Because John wanted me. I know he did. I know he did.” My voice caught on a hard hitch and I could no longer feel my legs. I dropped like a stone into the couch cushion. “I know he did.” Something hot and wet gathered in the corners of my eyes and I had to seal my lips shut, dragging my tongue over and over and over again against the metal in it.

  A hand patted my knee, and then she was handing me a tissue and I damned the tears as I swiped at them angrily.

  “And how did that make you feel?” she asked softly, once again back in her chair. The motherly concern was gone, replaced by the smooth calm of a professional.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, sick to my stomach, feeling as if my soul had just been leeched from my body. I was exhausted and disgusted. “Sick,” I whispered. “It makes me sick.”

  “Why?”

  I couldn’t speak for a minute, and then the words were pouring from me. “Because I was grateful it wasn’t me. Grateful I hadn’t been there that night. Grateful he didn’t do it to me.” I cried then, shoulders heaving and stomach cramping as the guilt chewed me up.

  That was why I’d clung to Ryan, why I’d decided I would save him. Because I’d been so damned ashamed.

  She let me take my time and gather myself.

  “We’re finally getting somewhere,” she whispered and when I looked up, she smiled broadly.

  “How can you say that?” I asked, disgust dripping from my tongue. “I hate myself, Doc. Hate the ugly that’s inside me. Hate that for even a second I was happy it wasn’t me. I’m disgusting. How could I be happy about that? How?” I threw the word at her like a grenade.

  She didn’t even flinch. Her sharp gaze was unswerving. “You were six, Alex.”

  “So the fuck what,” I snarled. “I’m sick. I’m disgusting. I hate—”

  She held up a hand. “Stop right now. This isn’t time for a pity party. This is progress. You’re finally being honest and that’s never a bad thing. You know what this means?”

  I rolled my eyes, more pissed than I’d been in years.

  “It means you can finally start to move forward. It means, Alex Donovan, that you’re healing.”

  My lip curled. “How can you even say that? How does admitting that not make me anything other than slime?”

  She just shook her head. “Honesty can be raw and brutal and painful. It can even feel like we’re gonna die when we own up to it, but there is freedom in it too. If you let go. Stop fighting it, Alex, be willing to accept that in this life we’re not perfect and never will be. Be willing to accept that sometimes we do ugly things, but that doesn’t make us bad, or cruel, or mean spirited, it just makes us human.”

  “Human.” I gritted my teeth.

  “Yes.” She nodded vehemently. “Human. Whether we admit it or not, we’re all the same. Every last one of us. I’ve talked to enough people in my life to know; no matter the façade, deep down we’re all the same. Ryan is healing—it’s time for you to do it too. Let it go, Alex. Accept who you are: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Realize you’re only human and you’re never going to get it totally right, and learn that there are times in your life when you have to stop beating yourself up and understand that it cannot be changed and all you can do is move forward.”

  It all sounded so easy, but it wasn’t. What I’d just admitted to Doc, it was a secret I’d meant to take to my grave. I’d never uttered it to another soul, because even though John had raped Ryan, I felt like I’d done the same to him too. Only I’d done it in my heart. How could I possibly forgive myself for being happy that it hadn’t happened to me?

  Shoving my fingers through my hair, I squeezed my eyes shut.

  “Deep breaths, Alex. Believe it or not, we just had a major breakthrough today.”

  I popped my jaw. “Doesn’t feel like it.”

  Bringing her hands together as if in prayer, she nodded. “Oh, but we did.”

  “Why do you push so hard? You do this with everybody?” I muttered, not caring that I sounded petulant in that moment.

  “No.” She smiled. “Only with the ones I really like.” She checked her wristwatch again. “Our session is up for the day. I have an assignment for you, Alex.”

  I stared at the ceiling tiles, feeling more exhausted than if I’d run a half-marathon. “What?”

  “Don’t touch her, not for the entire week.”

  “What!” I snorted. “You’re kidding, right?”

  Her eyes said she was definitely serious. “If you care for her the way you say you do, the way I think you do, then you owe it to yourself and to her. She needs to be more than a vessel to exorcise your demons with. She is a human being, a soul, I’ve never met a woman alive who didn’t want to feel treasured and cherished. Women—we’re generally very intuitive, we can sense when those we love aren’t totally there. Especially in bed. If I were a betting person, I’d say she’s already felt that with you.”

  My heart almost stopped beating. I wanted to change, wanted to show myself, show Zoe, that I wasn’t just some frat-boy jock who couldn’t keep it in his pants. But what would she think? We’d already had sex.

  “Won’t she feel like something is weird though if I suddenly stop touching her? It’s all I do with her, so she’ll ask questions.”

  Her lips thinned for a moment. “Have you ever considered bringing Zoe into a session?”

  “Hell no,” I said emphatically. “She doesn’t know jack about what happened in my family, and right now, I’m not sure that’s wise. What if she doesn’t stick around? I don’t want her knowing that much about me.”

  “How serious are you about this relationship, Alex?”

  Rubbing the bridge of my nose, I exhaled heavily. “More serious than I’ve ever been.”

  Spreading her arms, she nodded as if to say “then what’s the problem?”

  “I’ll think about it, okay. You’ve given me a lot to think about, Doc. It’s just… I’m overwhelmed right now.”

  Standing, I stretched my arms over my head, ready
to take off. We were now three minutes past my time.

  “Oh, and Alex.” She stood also. “We didn’t get to address it today, but I want to talk about you going to that barbeque.”

  Licking my teeth, feeling a powerful urge to get out of there, I just growled, “I hate coming here—you know that, right?”

  Her smile was swift. “See you next Friday. When Zoe asks why you’re not touching her, consider telling her the truth. The truth will set you free.”

  I laughed. But not because I found it funny, because it wasn’t. It definitely wasn’t.

  When Ryan got home that night, I hugged him. Hard. I didn’t tell him why and he didn’t ask, but I think he understood all the same.

  ~*~

  Zoe

  “Jamie!” I tossed yet another cardigan to the carpet. “Where is the canary-yellow top?”

  “What?” She peeked her head out of the bathroom, curlers in her hair and one eye already eye-shadowed and mascaraed while the other was still nude.

  “The canary top, Jamie. I saw you wearing it last weekend—where is it?”

  My top, by the way. The one that made my breasts look amazing and my stomach super flat, the one that Jamie had lusted over ever since the day I’d bought it. The very one she always snuck out of my drawer without asking. The joys of having a busybody roommate.

  “Oh…” She bit her bottom lip. “I cut myself the other night and got blood on it.”

  “What!” I stomped my foot. I knew I was acting silly and irrational, but I hadn’t seen Alex yesterday, and after making love the day before, I was anxious. I wondered where we stood, what was waiting around the bend. I wanted to look my best, and part of looking my best was dressing in a top that made me look and feel killer.

  “I sent it to the dry cleaners, sorry.” She worried her bottom lip, pouting her big full lips and fluttering thick eyelashes.

  Growling, I rolled my eyes. “You’re lucky I love you so much, or I’d be killing something right now. Like a perky, cheerleading blonde who doesn’t understand the concept of personal property.”