With This Click, I Thee Wed (Click and Wed.com Series, #1)

by Bonnie R. Paulson

  He finished swallowing his food and then laughed out loud, the deep belly laugh from our first morning together. “Man, you are a minx. That was a good one, though. Okay, how many kids do I want?” He looked away from me, as if the answer hid somewhere on the ceiling. “I think as many as possible, but not more than six.” He looked at me and winked. “Is there an answer like that on there?”

  Surprised that he wanted so many children, I looked to see if it was multiple-choice or short answer. It appeared to be multiple-choice.

  I nodded. “It looks like we only have pretty basic number answers, though. I would say 1 to 4 is going to be my answer.” I lifted my eyebrows toward him. “I’ll put yours at the half dozen or more.” I liked children, but I don’t know if I needed a basketball team.

  He chuckled, scooping more stew into his mouth. “Fair enough.”

  Still grinning, I looked at the app. “Next question. They want to know if we’ve been married before.” Suddenly, it was as if the circus had walked into the room. There was the elephant, staring balefully at me with a trunkful of peanuts he was ready to shoot me at any second. How did I answer? Honestly, of course, but how embarrassing to own that fact right then.

  I drew my feet under my chair and crossed them. I didn’t want to look Logan in the eye. Why would the questionnaire make me talk about something I just didn’t want to talk about? My shame would be laid out before us both, and I would be a failure again. Except this time, instead of me being able to start over without any issues, they would make me ruin my fresh start.

  Did I chance that he would understand? Or did I lie and protect myself?

  Could I lie?

  Logan spoke while I scrambled frantically for something to say. His words were slow and measured. “I’ve never been married, but I was engaged.” He didn’t look at me, but kept his focus on his food. He slowed down in between his bites, pushing a carrot chunk around the bowl. “She left me.” His voice got lower, and he took another bite.

  Was it a lie if I didn’t mention it? His words shocked me, and I didn’t want to talk about mine and minimize his pain. I wanted to know more about what he’d gone through. “Oh, my gosh. Are you okay? Why would she leave you? You’re amazing.” There was nothing dishonest about anything I just said. He was an amazing man. And as I was getting to know him, I could see how falling for him would be very easy.

  He scoffed. “Yeah, I’m so amazing. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, so I became a CEO of a really big company up in Washington. Had the fiancée and the Beemer. I had all these suits and the great loft condo. Everything you could possibly want. I just missed my parents. I missed my family and this town. I missed everything that was simple and steadfast in my life.” He emptied the bowl and leaned back, folding his arms across his chest. “I was going through some self-discovery issues last year, and I invited my parents up to visit me. I think I thought that if they approved of my city life, then I wouldn’t feel like I was missing so much here.”

  Logan blinked, his eyes bright. “I wanted them to meet Felicia and blend my lives together, you know? Like maybe having them up there would help me adjust, be happier.”

  His ex’s name was Felicia. I stored that away for future reference.

  I refused to interrupt the silence he allowed to fall around us. I just sat there and let him choose his words as he worked through his memories.

  When he did finally speak again, he did so with a matter-of-factness that brought goose bumps to my skin. “Dad always drove the heaviest trucks he could find, said a truck wasn’t compensating when you could back it up.” He half-chuckled, then fell silent as he stared at his dishes.

  His words softened more, and he traced a red square with his fingertip. “Mom and Dad decided to drive during a rainstorm and hydroplaned into a bridge guardrail. They went through. No one found them until the next day. I wasn’t expecting them for another couple of days.” He sniffed and avoided my gaze.

  The loaded question had really just asked for a yes or no answer, but there I was getting his answer, and it was breaking my heart.

  He continued talking and I wanted to cry that there was more pain to add to what he’d already shared. “So, I asked my fiancée to move back here with me. I assumed she would go where I went. I sold all my business suits, the car, the condo, and anything else I could get my hands on to liquidate my assets to take care of any costs for their funeral and the other fees around getting this place. I quit my job and decided to come back here to pick up where my parents had been forced to stop. They left me everything. I’m the only child... But...” He finally lifted his gaze to mine and shook his head. “But Felicia didn’t want this life. She didn’t want me. She wanted my job and what it represented and the financial security that came with it.”

  I didn’t say anything. I could see that being me. I could see me looking for the security a man might be able to offer me. At least, I recognized that girl from before I married Derek. The financial security was nothing when emotional turmoil beat your heart from the inside out.

  Having that destruction of my self-worth and then having to rebuild it while living with a man who had no respect for me, I pulled out of it just fine. My realization that I didn’t need a man to have a good job for me to be happy came at the same time that I realized I didn’t need a man. Period.

  I needed to be happy more than my wallet did. I needed to be happy with me, first. Too bad I’d jumped from Dad’s place to Derek’s and then back to Dad’s.

  Logan continued, his words cutting across my personal recollections. “I guess this is a good thing to talk about right now.” He inhaled like he was nervous to say more, but needed a steadying breath. “I don’t have a lot of money. I’m not even sure what type of debt this place is in, because the lawyer has been having a hard time finding the paperwork. When he found it, he got sick and had a death in his family and I’ve been kind of swimming here. I’m not even sure what to do. Dad was starting up a new crop, but I don’t know what kind because he didn’t keep records.”

  He leaned forward, piercing me with his gaze. “I don’t have a lot of money, Rachel. I signed up with ClickandWed because I don’t want to be alone. I can’t be alone.” He whispered the last sentence, his pain finally breaking through his smile and charm.

  Struggling with the tears in my eyes, I pushed away my dad’s constant comments that I was a sentimental fool. I always believed in my heart that it was what kept me stronger than him. Dad couldn’t break me. How sad that when I’m feeling compassion for my husband, my father’s whispers eek into my mind.

  I nodded softly, chewing my bottom lip. “I don’t like being alone. either.” The understatement of the century.

  Logan coughed and lifted his chin, forcing a smile onto his face. “Okay, well we got those answered. What’s the next question?” He drank from his glass, looking to the side.

  I hadn’t answered, but I did mine quietly on the quiz. I answered honestly, but so fast I’m not sure he saw or didn’t see. I didn’t hide my reply either, but I didn’t make him take note of it at the same time. The quick second it took to select yes on my side and no on his convinced me it wasn’t important enough to make a big deal about.

  Was it really that vital that I mention what a failure I was while he was thinking about his own loss?

  “Well, how about we finish the questionnaire and then I can get you some of the apple cobbler I made?” I pressed the continue button and glanced at him. He had mentioned loving dessert the other night while we were eating, and so I’d made him a surprise.

  His eyes widened with delight, a vast improvement from the pain he’d worn like a mask. “I love apple cobbler. I think I even have some vanilla ice cream in there. The first question was a doozy. I hope the rest aren’t that hard.” He glanced down at the phone.

  Fortunately, the rest of the questions were easy and fun. What’s your favorite color? But they had to be the options they gave us, like puke green, giraffe yellow, tiger
orange. I went with Twizzler red and Logan chose fish scale gray.

  Where did you grow up, and do you have any hobbies led the way for even more normal questions that didn’t lead us down any more emotional trails. I don’t think I could handle more. Our laughter and easy rapport convinced me that we were on the right path... As roommates.

  Except for the fact that we both ached for something and we hope that someone would be able to fix it.

  I hoped to be able to be there for him. Some way. Somehow.

  Even if we were just friends.

  Lingering under my skin, though, I had a craving for so much more.

  Chapter 9

  Once I let my clients know I was working remotely and the steps that I would be taking to complete my tasks, the work came in with a vengeance. Before I knew it, I had more work than my phone data could handle.

  After cleaning the house and doing laundry one morning, I made my way out to the barn where Logan banged a hammer on a metal panel of his tractor.

  “Logan? Can I talk to you a second?” I had to speak loudly to be heard over the ruckus when I really only wanted to hide in the barn. Maybe over by the chickens or the pigs. Anywhere where I wouldn’t disturb him.

  He poked his head up above the hood of the tractor and smiled when he saw me, a wrench in his hand. I thought it had been a hammer with how loud it was. “Hey, what’re you doing down here? Are you cold?” His worry would’ve warmed me, if I was affected by the colder temperatures. “Do you need anything at the house?”

  I shook my head and pushed my hands deeper into the pockets of my coat. Hopefully, he had opened the door with his question, because what I needed was Wi-Fi. “Can I ask you for a favor?”

  He nodded, moving to rest his arm on the top of the tractor and give me his undivided attention. “Of course, anything.” He didn’t even know what it was and he was already agreeing to it.

  “I have a lot of work coming in, and I need Wi-Fi so I can use my laptop.” I just blurted it out there, like I did with my dad. There was no easing into asking for something with my father. It hadn’t been that way with Derek either.

  “I don’t really have the funds to pay for that. But if you need it, I’m sure I can figure something out.” A pained look struggled to make its way past his smile, but he still tried to smile for me. His efforts tugged even harder on my efforts to keep things platonic. Everything about the man warmed my insides. Did he have the right to continuously surprise me like he was?

  I held out my hands, anxious to take the stress off him. “Actually, I can pay for it. I’m starting to make money again, and since it’s for work, I can have it as a tax deduction. If it’s okay, can I set it up?”

  The mention of being able to pay for it myself took the shadows from his eyes. “Of course, whatever you think. That’s exciting. You’ll have to tell me about your job this evening over dinner.” He seemed genuinely interested, another thing that was nonexistent with Derek.

  If I kept it up, my inner monologue would continue to be a comparison between Derek and Logan, and I already knew Logan won by a huge margin. There really was no competition. Logan had given me a promise of more conversation with him that evening. I couldn’t wait.

  ***

  The Internet went in just a couple days later, and I filled the next few weeks with work, watching as my bank account slowly recovered from the anemia my divorce had caused.

  A routine was comfortable, but not extraordinary. We shared the house like brother and sister, except he made my skin tingle when he was in the same room and sleeping in a room right next to his drove me a little batty. His eyes made my heart jump every time he focused on me. I craved his attention, but I didn’t know how to ask him for it.

  It was my fault we were in the friend zone. I told him I wanted a friend for a husband. He was only giving me what I’d asked for. What was I going to do? Complain about it? What kind of a person would I be to tell him he wasn’t giving me what I wanted?

  Another step came in my email and the app dinged at the same time just in case I missed the email notification. I liked the app, it was super easy to use and friendly, but I was starting to get irritated at all the hoops we had to jump through.

  To get our money back, though, I realized I had to do what it was telling me to.

  Bold text flashed on the red square when I pressed the heart. “Congratulations on making it through your first month, so far you are up-to-date on all of your requirements toward completing your contractual obligations. Note: This month you will be required to do something new together that you and your partner have not done before. Log two pictures and a short line explaining what it was that you’ve done. You can do this by using the camera feature in the app on your phone. Thank you, again. We look forward to seeing what you come up with.”

  Great. We were already a few days into February. How had the time gone by so fast? I wasn’t any less lonely than when I was living at my parents, except at that point I didn’t have the derision from my dad hammering down on me every day.

  Logan wouldn’t really discuss finances with me, which I understood, but I was starting to make some money and, if he’d let me, I’d be able to help him with bills.

  I didn’t want to settle, and thinking about staying in the marriage when the only thing we had in common was a desire to not be lonely was hard to swallow.

  Going home didn’t need to be a have-to. I didn’t have to go back home, but could I succeed out there on my own? I’d already gone through the divorce and couldn’t make it on my own then, which was why I had to move in with my parents.

  February was my birthday month. The dreaded Valentine’s Day. Not exactly the holiday you want to have your birthday on when you’re single. Even though I wasn’t technically single, I was single emotionally. Nobody wanted that.

  The app was clear in its expectations. We had to do something that neither of us had ever done before. The task wasn’t something I really wanted to ask him about. We had already gotten married online which was a first for both of us. Didn’t that count?

  Probably not. They wanted pictures, and I didn’t have any photographs from my wedding. I had plenty burnable ones from my first wedding, but that didn’t matter. I wanted pictures with Logan for a wedding, even if we didn’t stay together. Something to commemorate the blip of time I’d been with the hottest man ever would be priceless.

  Logan pushed through the back door in the kitchen and stomped his boots off outside before he stepped in. He closed the door and called out for me. “Rachel, are you in here?” His sudden arrival surprised me, and I dropped a card I’d been holding while reading the app.

  Where else would I be? I grimaced at my cheerless thought. I needed to stop being so negative. The lack of people around was getting to me. We hadn’t even gone into town because driving on the snow-covered roads wasn’t practical. Plus, we didn’t need anything, and Logan was worried about money.

  “Yeah, I’m in here.” I was in the living room, stacking old greeting cards his mother had collected on a pin board beside her quilting machine. The soft scent of baby powder graced most of her items which reminded me of my friend’s grandmother when I was a child. Working with his mother’s items was comforting in an unexpected way.

  Logan looked for me and when he spotted me, delight erased any signs of worry. “I started carrying my phone with me. I just got a notification from that app. Did you? We’re supposed to do something together neither of us has ever done before?”

  Relief flooded through me. I wasn’t the only one worried about completing everything. If he was trying to fulfill the tasks though, did that mean he didn’t want the marriage to work out? I desperately wanted things to succeed, but I wasn’t going to stop doing the tasks in case they failed. Was he the same way? Were we setting ourselves up for failure by keeping the chance of failure our fallback plan?

  I set my phone down and smiled at him, hopefully he didn’t think I was snooping. “Yeah, I thought that was interesting,
too. What have you done or haven’t done?” I didn’t want to bring up the obvious romantic holiday coming up, or the fact that I had never gone on a date on Valentine’s Day. That was just desperate and stupid, no matter how true.

  “Well, this is going to sound kind of lame, but the truth is, I’ve never gone dancing on Valentine’s Day. I thought maybe we could give that a shot. What do you think? Too much? Is it kind of cliché?” He squinted at me and paused, I could see his nerves as he shoved his hands into his pockets. He’d pulled off his beanie and his hair was in disarray. I wanted to straighten his hair with my hands, if for no other reason than to touch the silky-looking strands.

  “I was just thinking the same thing. I never do anything special on Valentine’s Day.” I laughed to cover my embarrassment. The moment wasn’t awkward, it was in fact almost sweet.

  “Okay, I’ll figure something out.” He nodded and pulled a pair of gloves from his pockets and slapped them against his palm. Offering a shy smile, he half-nodded and pushed open the door. “It’s a date.” And then he disappeared.

  Leaving me to wonder just what kind of a date it would be.

  Chapter 10

  Cupid didn’t sit on the end of my bed when I woke up on my birthday. The fat little flying cherub was notably absent while I contemplated my room.

  I hadn’t slept all night. How did I tell Logan my birthday was Valentine’s Day? Was I supposed to just say, “Hey, today’s my birthday?” I know I put the date on my profile, but chances were that he most likely hadn’t noticed.

  There was my self-pity again, it wouldn’t get me anywhere, and I hadn’t gotten where I had by being sorry for myself. If I wanted him to know, then I needed to tell him. Was it that important that he know?

  I put my hair in two braids and buttoned up my flannel shirt. I hadn’t brought a lot of options for clothing, but I had made sure they would be warm. Too bad I wasn’t comfortable asking my parents to ship the rest of my things there.