With This Click, I Thee Wed (Click and Wed.com Series, #1)

by Bonnie R. Paulson

  Somehow, I’d decided that even if things didn’t work out between Logan and myself, I wasn’t going back home. It wasn’t my home. I had to start calling it my parents’ house. Might as well have them send my stuff so I had it available when I needed it, whether that was with Logan or somewhere else.

  I decided I didn’t need Logan to know it was my birthday. We were already celebrating Valentine’s Day. That was more than I’d ever celebrated before.

  Downstairs, I was surprised to find Logan in the kitchen. “You got up before me. I was trying to be down before you.”

  His smile could dispel any clouds. My worry vanished and it was exactly how I needed to start my day. Logan pointed at the griddle. “Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope you’re okay with heart-shaped pancakes that look more like kidneys.” He brandished the spatula towards me and said with mock gravity, “It’s the best you’re going to get.” Then he laughed. “Although, if I’m honest. You’re probably batting away the options out there. A girl like you, I’m not sure what you were doing with an online marriage site.” He chuckled, flipping a misshapen pancake on the griddle. “I’m honestly surprised you weren’t married already.”

  I smiled, the reminder of my dishonesty smacking me in my face. “You’d be surprised. Happy Valentine’s Day to you, too.” A knock at the door had us quirking our head.

  The only people that came out there were the mailman and people who needed Logan’s help with business contracts. Logan was making a nice little side business for himself, but Grangeville wasn’t very big and didn’t afford very many clients. Maybe after a couple more weeks of me doing my business on the side, I would be able to convince him to try it as well.

  No matter who it was, seven in the morning was early for visitors.

  “Do you want to get that? I’ll finish getting the pancakes on.” His side-smile never failed to make my insides ache.

  “Of course.” I walked to the door and opened it, welcoming the courier with a smile. “Yes?”

  “Rachel O’Neil?” He waited for my nod and then offered me a clipboard and a pen. “Sign there, please.” He then proceeded to give me a package in a large Manila envelope. The heaviness suggested it was stuffed with papers. He touched his hat, “Good day.” He didn’t even wait for me to reply before he turned and walked down the stairs.

  The visitor left me with more questions than answers and an envelope full of who-knows-what.

  I wandered back into the kitchen, studying the envelope. I wasn’t sure what was in it, but it must be good. It was my birthday after all. Maybe Mom and Dad had sent me something. They hadn’t even called me yet. Not that they remembered every year, but the years that they did remember were some of my favorites.

  “Who was that?” Logan grabbed two plates piled high with oddly shaped pancakes and scrambled eggs and bacon. He jerked his chin towards the dining room table and smiled. “Let’s take a seat and see what you got there.”

  It was to me, right? The envelope had my name on the front, but nothing else. The only people who had my address were my parents.

  I couldn’t contain my excitement as I pulled open the top flap. I carefully pulled out a stack of official looking papers.

  As I read, though, my heart sank. “Oh, it’s nothing good.”

  Logan peeked over my arm as he poured syrup on his pancakes. He set the bottle down. “Why would anyone be suing you?”

  I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. “My ex-husband is suing me for damages. Apparently, I emotionally abused him as we were getting a divorce. I ruined his life.” The tears I’d been fighting for so long finally released, and I had to half-laugh. “I can’t believe he’s getting away with this. I didn’t even do anything wrong.”

  Silence from Logan’s seat finally broke through the noise I was making. I straightened from my slouch and looked at him, acknowledging the fact that he didn’t look concerned or worried. He looked upset.

  I hadn’t told him I was married previously. Great. I’d been so worried about it coming out, I’d ignored the signs when it finally had.

  “You didn’t say you were married when we were talking about it.” Accusations hardened his face, wiping his normally happy demeanor away.

  Something twisted in my stomach and it wasn’t good. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to say anything when you were talking about your ex-fiancée. I didn’t want to add more to it.”

  “Do you have kids?” He rested his wrist on the edge of the table, his fingers clenched tight.

  “No. Derek said he didn’t want a fat wife, so I didn’t get to have any.” I smiled tightly at him and looked away. I needed judgment from Logan about as much as I need it from my parents. So much for my clean start. I dug my fingers into the edges of the envelope and tried to steady my breathing and stop the tears.

  “Why did you guys get a divorce? Did you lie to him?” He said it pointedly, and I realized that’s what I had done to Logan, no matter how much I’d tried to justify it. I had lied. Maybe not directly, but omission was just as bad. I knew it, even when I was doing it and yet I had done it anyway.

  I wiped my cheeks. I could at least own what I’d done. “No. Actually, he said that I was boring and not attractive anymore. I was too serious, and he wanted someone spontaneous. Since I wasn’t spontaneous enough for him, he dated a stripper on the side and everyone in town knew it. He had them convinced it was the right thing for everyone.” I pushed my plate away and stood, trying not to lose my control right there. “Thank you for making breakfast. I’m sorry that I lied to you. I just wanted a fresh start and didn’t want to have to deal with him anymore or any of the drama that comes with being divorced from him. Even now, he’s determined to ruin everything.” I didn’t say anything else as I walked back upstairs.

  What a terrific start to a horrible birthday.

  ~~~

  I’m not ashamed to admit I cried myself to sleep. Most of the morning passed and I’m not sure where Logan went or if we were even still on for that night. I didn’t really care. I was exhausted. Logan had every right to be mad at me, but I sincerely didn’t mean to hurt him. I didn’t think me being married previously was that big of a deal. He had an ex-fiancé that I wasn’t upset about.

  Throwing my arm over my face, I laid on the pillow. Okay, I was missing the point. I totally lied to him. I didn’t tell him up front when he was baring his soul to me, and I should’ve told him. It probably would’ve brought us closer together.

  With how lonely I was, I didn’t want to push him away. I thought that since having Derek in my life had ruined everything in my hometown, maybe having him even mentioned in my new life would ruin even more. I sat up on the bed and wiped my face, but it didn’t help. The tears still flowed. I had slept, but for how long? How long had I been in my room?

  A glance at the clock on the nightstand told me I’d been there almost the entire day. I’d missed lunch and we probably wouldn’t be going anywhere for dinner. I swallowed my disappointment. How was it any different from previous birthdays?

  Resolve to make it better. I could do that. I didn’t have to bother him more than necessary.

  A soft knock at the door drew my attention, and my stomach and chest hardened with anxiety. I dried my cheeks again and smoothed my hair. “Yes?”

  Logan opened the door and stood there with his arms crossed as he leaned against the doorjamb. He studied me, and I couldn’t decide if his eyes were narrowed with disapproval or dislike. Was he going to kick me out?

  I clenched my fingers in my lap and tried not to look away from him in shame. The diatribe would come and every single mistake I’d made since I’d gotten there would be listed out. He’d yell, or spit, or throw something at me. That’s how Dad and Derek would do it. I pressed my lips together and waited.

  His expression softened and his voice was calm. “I’m sorry I reacted like that. Everybody makes mistakes. If I had been previously married, especially to a guy who sounds like Derek, I probably wouldn’t want to talk
about it either. That doesn’t mean it’s okay that you lied. What it means is that I need honesty. I need us to be completely up front with each other.” He watched me, as if waiting for me to reply or run screaming from the room.

  Shocked that he wasn’t yelling, I scrunched my forehead in confusion. “That’s all you’re going to say?”

  “What more do you want me to say? You lied. You apologized for it. I needed a little time to think things through. Just promise you’ll be honest with me, and I’ll be good.” He unfolded his arms and stepped into my room.

  Unsure if it was some kind of trick, I asked, “Even the ugly truths?”

  His side smile returned and he arched one eyebrow. “Especially the ugly. I want it so ugly, it would make a troll cringe.”

  I chewed my inner cheek. He tended to make jokes when he was trying to alleviate the tension or make me feel better, but my tears started again, and I couldn’t make them stop. I hid my face in my palm.

  He walked closer. “What’s wrong? It was just a little thing. It wasn’t even a real fight. Are you okay?” Logan claimed the seat beside me on my bed. He was on my bed, and I didn’t even have on sexy perfume. No makeup and my hair had to be disheveled in the braids.

  Offering a short nod, I wiped my cheeks with my sleeve, but the tears didn’t stop. They’d taken on a mind of their own, and I was hapless to contain them. I gave a small hiccup, feeling more beaten down then I’d ever felt in my life. I wanted him so desperately to like me, just me, and there I was lying to him. “I’m just...” I shrugged.

  I didn’t want to say what was wrong. It was uglier than ugly, it was almost pitiful.

  “Tell me. I can’t fix it, if you don’t tell me.” He reached out and rubbed his hand on my back. It was really the only contact with him I’d had since I moved in, and the sweetness of it nearly tore me in two.

  The tears flowed hotter. My confession burst from me like a dam had broken open. “I’m lonely. Honestly, I’m lonely.”

  He continued rubbing my back, but jerked his head to the side. “You’re lonely? I’m not lonely. Not anymore. Finally, I have a friend to talk to.”

  There was that friend word again. What had I done? I had ruined everything. Part of me hoped he was gay and that I wasn’t to blame for ruining everything. If that’s just the way things were, then I hadn’t ruined anything.

  If I wanted to stay married, which I still hadn’t even decided if that’s what I wanted, I couldn’t be just friends with the guy. I wanted a shot at a real marriage, even if it was only for a few more months.

  The look in his eye told me he’d sit there all day while he waited to find out what was going on with me.

  Sighing, I decided to give him the ugly he’d asked for. “It’s my birthday. And when I was married to... him, he always made a point to make me feel worthless. Even more so on my birthday. I usually had friends I could talk to. Today, even though it’s Valentine’s Day, it’s even worse. Like double the lonely. You know what I mean?”

  “My last marriage didn’t feel like a marriage should feel.” I moved my hands between us and hiccupped a little. “And this one doesn’t feel like a marriage should feel. Am I the only one that thinks that? Maybe I’m just paranoid.”

  “I feel married. What do we need to change? I’ve never been married before. I don’t know what it feels like. It sounds like even though you were married before, you don’t know how a marriage should feel. We’ve only known each other about a month, maybe a little more, but if we don’t give it an honest shot, we won’t know for sure, right?” His hand was warm on my back and the contact soothed me.

  I offered a small smile and nodded. “You’re right. I just need to stop having such high expectations and let things work themselves out.”

  “Well, I think we can both agree that our expectations for at least tonight should be low. I’m not sure what Grangeville has to offer with regards to a lot of Valentine’s Day fun, but I did find a barnyard dance over at the high school. I might have signed us up to chaperone.” He angled his head to the side and peered at me, as if maybe I would run away with my hands over my head screaming.

  “Might have?” I quirked my eyebrow at him.

  “Yeah, might. I might also have offered to lockup afterwards.” He cleared his throat and had the grace to look discomfited.

  I couldn’t hold in my laugh. “That actually sounds perfect. I’ve never done that either, even when I was in school.”

  “I took a chance and hoped that was the case. Sounds perfect to me, too.” He stood and offered his hand to me which I gratefully took. “Let’s get dressed. I’m thinking as formal as you can. If you need anything, my mom has some clothes left in her closet down the hall. I know it sounds a little morbid, but she was a very classy dresser and I’d hate for her clothes to sit there when you could use them.” He jerked his thumb over his shoulder. “Leave in an hour or so? We could have dinner first. They have a really great steak down at Korbin’s Country House.”

  I nodded enthusiastically, grateful he’d forgiven me for lying and that he was nothing like the men in my life normally were. I shyly peeked at him from beneath my lashes. “That sounds awesome.”

  “I’ll pick you up in a little bit.” He slowly let go of my hand, finger by finger and left the room.

  Logan exuded magnetism. I swallowed to moisten my dry mouth. Just being around him made my body react in ways it had never acted before.

  Was he even a little attracted to me?

  I guess at that point it didn’t matter. The man was married to me, one way or another he was stuck with me for a while. How much did I want to invest my heart in the weird anomaly of he and I? How much of his heart was available to invest towards me?

  ~~~

  Promptly at five, Logan knocked on my bedroom door. Like I was in high school again, I jumped from my seat on the bed where I’d been waiting and approached the door.

  His voice reached me through the thick panel. “Are you ready, Rachel?”

  I pressed the skirt towards my knees. “Yes, I’m coming.” I wrapped the accompanying sweater around my shoulders that I had found in his mother’s closet. A bright red sheath-style dress with the hem below my knees and the shoulders with thick wide straps had been the treasure I’d found on top of the rest of her clothes.

  My hair had been twisted into a knot at the nape of my neck with tendrils left out to frame my face. I’d left my makeup understated with just a thin brown eyeliner and black mascara. I only used clear lip gloss. I know he said formal, but I looked better without makeup on.

  I opened the door and looked up, inventorying his form. He wore a suit like I’d never seen. It tapered in nicely at the waist and he left his suit coat open to display a crisp white button up shirt with the top button open. The colors enhanced his slightly faded tan. His dark eyes and dark hair complemented his bright smile. Oh, his smile. I wouldn’t get sick of the warmth in the curve of his lips.

  “Wow, you look amazing. Are you ready?” I’d never had a man tell me I looked amazing. Derek used to tell me I had the face of an angel, but I heard him tell other women the same thing.

  I blushed, picking at the inner skin of my thumb, again. “Um, thank you. Yes, I’m very excited.” I rubbed my lips together and shuffled my feet.

  Logan moved close to me and pinned something to my sweater. He stood back and studied my chest. “We have to declare ourselves as the adult chaperones.” He laughed, finally looking me in the eye. “I’m surprised they chose me as a chaperone to be honest. I was always the one under the bleachers trying to cause problems.”

  We headed out to his truck. The big sleek lines of the Dodge pickup fit him. Everything about him seemed to fit some kind of a list that I hadn’t known I’d made. He wasn’t perfect, but he was perfect for my frame of mind. He was calm to my anxious, and he was patient to my scrambling.

  The drive to dinner was short. Grangeville wasn’t the largest town in Idaho, thankfully, but it wasn’t the smallest eit
her.

  We parked in front of a steakhouse with a friendly sign on the front that said Korbin’s Country Diner. The seats were packed, as I’m sure one of the very few restaurants in town would be on Valentine’s Day. The people we passed to get to our seat knew Logan by name, but no one bothered him while we ate. Some neighboring diners eyed me. I had forgotten we hadn’t really been to town since I’d moved in with him. I would be the secret that would be all over town by morning. The new girl with the Kyle boy. I knew small towns and how they worked.

  The tables, benches, and posts throughout the restaurant were made of polished, distressed woods that were stained in different tones. Our steaks came out on thick ceramic and the rest of the utensils were solid, but rustic. Nothing reeked of fanciful notions with the steak fries and coleslaw accompanying the steaks, but everyone in attendance was dressed as formal as the small town would allow.

  I leaned over my plate and murmured to Logan, “We need to make sure and take some pictures to put on the app tonight. Don’t let me forget.”

  He winked. “I won’t.”

  At the high school, when I climbed out of the car, Logan reached out and claimed my hand. It happened with such natural effortlessness that I forgot to be startled. Glancing down at our fingers, I couldn’t help smiling softly at how natural our fingers looked intertwined together. I hoped it would be something that happened for the next fifty years instead of just the next six months.

  I’m not sure what was better, standing there in that dark gym with Logan by my side remembering the awkwardness and excitement of high school or knowing that we had survived our first fight and it hadn’t been that bad. We leaned close together and snapped a couple pictures, making sure to get our chaperone badges in the shot.

  The evening closed without incident, and we walked into the house after our very first date. I didn’t want to scream about it, but I wanted to tell someone. And I didn’t have anyone to tell.