Mistress Agnes

by Kirsten Bij't Vuur

  Chapter 18

  They had agreed to meet outside, in the field closest to the house, where they had the old haystack to sit in comfortably. When Dennis arrived Dick and Maria were already there, fondling a little, they were so close already, such a warming sight.

  'Never mind, you guys, I can handle witnessing a little intimacy,' he said heartily as they stopped instantly when they spied him coming towards them.

  He hoped they'd hear his warm feelings from the sound of his voice.

  'I wish you could join us, Dennis,' Dick commented innocently, not even considering that Maria might find the very thought of making love to two men offensive. But in fact, she didn't seem to mind at all, and actually continued her caresses of her brand-new husband, Dennis was glad to see his efforts to put her at ease had been effective.

  He sat down on Dick's other side, but not before he gave Maria a significant look, which she understood instantly, taking Dick's hand to support him.

  Dennis took the other one, and excused himself for his failure to notice Dick had some unresolved issues with the past.

  'I didn't even know myself, Dennis,' was the reply, 'when Maria asked why we didn't get furniture from the attic, I knew I couldn't tell her our attic wasn't like that, and that bothered me, but only because I didn't want to keep secrets from her. But then when she asked about the door and that upset the mistress, I got upset, too. And when you fell from the horse I remembered you in your uniform, you felt so cold in my arms that time, as if you were dead.'

  Dennis squeezed the large hand in sympathy, of course he didn't remember that day at all, he had indeed been close to death.

  'Did you tell Maria what happened in the attic, Dick?'

  'I didn't dare, Dennis, and she didn't ask. I thought you'd tell her if you wanted her to know. I wanted to tell her, for I don't want to keep secrets from my beloved.'

  'And you will not have to, Dick. Thank you for respecting me. Maria, I will tell you why mentioning the attic upset Agnes so badly, but it will be

  shocking to you. Please do not judge her too harshly, or think she is not worthy of respect, she had her reasons to act as she did, and since then we have truly found love with each other. She knows I'm telling you this right now, and is probably in agony over it, but it has to be done, for Dick, for herself. You're one of us for as long as you live here, and anyway, you're Dick's beloved, and he was there.'

  'I can see this is hard on all of you, but you are right, Dennis, I need to know.

  I did notice Dick was upset, but I had promised you not to ask him but to wait. It was hard to see him in knots.'

  Such a remarkable young woman, and she loved Dick. Lucky fellow!

  'Maria, Agnes found me on the moors, near death, dressed in a uniform of the regulars. I had deserted from the army and walked myself lost on the moors, I was suffering from the cold and hadn't eaten for days, and she took me in and she and the others nursed me back to health. She kept me chained to the wall in the attic, expecting me to be violent, hoping to tame a dangerous man to give her rough sex without taking over her life.

  But I wasn't dangerous, I was damaged by my life in the army, and my life on the streets before that, I just wanted a good home and some love. To be allowed to stay I tried to be whom the mistress wanted me to be, and she kept me, even grew to love me. I loved her, too, though I was desperately unhappy, stuck in the attic all by myself, with nothing to do but relive my horrible memories again and again. Finally I broke down altogether and she released me, expecting me to want to leave, offering to help me build a life somewhere else, but I just wanted to be safe and around her all the time, and since she did love me she wanted me to. Her love, and Patrick and Guy's, and of course Dick's love and support, they helped me become a human again.'

  Even now, Dennis couldn't bear to mention Agnes' whipping him, he didn't want Maria to misunderstand, Agnes wasn't a bad person, and she had made it up to him a thousandfold.

  'This morning, Agnes and I went back to the attic. It was horrible, but it did free me from my fear of the place. Please believe me, Dick, facing it is the best way to get a grip on the memories. I want you to come with me to the attic, and let them surface. Then Maria and I will be there for you, to talk to, to comfort you. The mistress still hates herself for what she did, she and I will be going there often until she has accepted what she did to me, until she has forgiven herself. And then we'll have the hearth and the bed torn out, have it painted and store stuff there. As one should in an attic. Will you trust me and

  come with me?'

  While Dennis recounted what had happened to Maria, Dick seemed to shrink, quite an accomplishment for such a tall man. He had his head bowed, and seemed altogether unhappy and very humble.

  'It's not just what the mistress did to you, Dennis,' he said, still not looking Dennis in the eye.

  'Thinking of that time, I remember myself, dumb and obedient, witnessing a lot but not daring to say or do anything. I hate that memory. I should have helped you, I should have done something, talked to the mistress.'

  Dennis couldn't believe that Dick reproached himself for not stopping Agnes.

  'But dear Dick, Guy and Patrick didn't even dare do that! You were totally dependent on her, and I guess a bit smitten as well, she taught you how to love, and you needed that so badly, how could you have resisted her when her faithful attendants didn't even dare to? Please don't be so hard on yourself, you did for me what you could, you befriended me, you were so nice to me.'

  But Dick didn't give in, he had such a strong feeling of right and wrong.

  'Maybe they didn't know what it felt like to be restrained and whipped, but I did. It reminded me of home, and I was afraid to be sent back, at least it wasn't me who suffered. It was very bad of me to think of myself only and let you suffer. I should have objected.'

  Dennis hadn't expected Dick to feel responsible in this way, though he could understand. But in those days, Dick really hadn't been in the situation to talk back to his mistress, she had been different, too. But it wouldn't do to remind Dick of that, it would only make his feeling of powerlessness worse. Dennis squeezed the large man's hand in sympathy.

  Very gently he said, 'I'm stunned, Dick, that you would have even considered standing up to the mistress. She was pretty impressive back then. I merely wanted to lie at her feet and worship her, follow her around until she noticed me.'

  Maria had observed the exchange between the two men in silence, but now she asked, 'Did Mrs Beauchamp whip you as well as keep you chained up, Dennis? The same lady who just showed me her study and offered to lend me her books?'

  Now it was Dennis' turn to bow his head and mumble, 'She did, Maria, but just once. And she was different then, afraid of being ruled by men. And she did love me, she just had some strange ideas about love.'

  'It was wrong, Dennis,' Dick stated, 'you never did anything to deserve that.

  You were so helpless, and so willing to please her. Patrick told me you had bad dreams and I watched over you sometimes, when you were sleeping. It was terrible. But we never dared tell her, I'm so sure she would have relented if she had known. I'm so sorry, Dennis!'

  'Please don't be, Dick. Everything turned out well for us, I found love and release from my bad memories, you found a love of your own, but the mistress still suffers a lot of guilt. She feels really bad over what she did, though I never held it against her. Let's try to face your memories and show Maria where it all happened, and then we can all heal and try to help the mistress before she suffers the emotions of getting a baby. Maria, if anyone finds out I'm a deserter I will be hanged. Maybe I shouldn't have told you, save you the burden of knowing, but I think Cook and John have guessed where I came from, and I think you would have found out eventually, living here with us.

  I really had no other choice but to flee, I would never have been released.

  When I decided I had to get away I had been severely wounded, nearly killed, several times. All my friends had been killed in
action until I didn't dare care about anyone anymore, and I was going to be shipped to the colonies when I couldn't sleep even a single night undisturbed by nightmares and intense fear.

  It was a choice between flight or death, and I knew I most likely wouldn't survive the flight either. I came so close to dying.'

  Another shock for Dick, he had never realized Dennis was in such danger for having left the army. He knew his friend had been in the army, but he had never been told of the desertion or of the danger it put Dennis in.

  'But you're the best man I've ever known, Dennis! How can they kill you for running away from those nightmares? I saw you when you had them, you were crying with agony and loss, and begging to be allowed to stay put for a few weeks. Then when you woke I hid for fear of the mistress finding out, and because Patrick told me you might attack me in that state. But you didn't even see me, you were so upset and afraid. I felt so bad, not helping. Why would anyone do that to another man, Dennis?'

  Maria couldn't stand it anymore, such a story on the day after she had moved here, and such suffering from people she had come to like.

  'If you don't blame your lady, Dennis, I won't. And Dick, I understand why you feel guilty, but it's clear Dennis is very happy now and he has forgiven

  your mistress. I can't believe she did a thing like that, I'm sure she wouldn't anymore, I am sure she feels very bad about it.

  Let's go to this attic, I want to see where it happened, and I want to be with you while you face those memories, Dick. Please believe me when I tell you I will never breathe a word of what the two of you have told me, not about Guy or Patrick, not about Dennis' past, and not about the attic. You have made me feel right at home, all of you, and I will prove myself worthy of your trust.

  Will you both tell me more about your youths someday? I've had such a pleasant childhood, I cannot imagine what it must be like to live without parents, or have parents like Dick's. But I think I should know.'

  Dennis nodded, of course Dick would talk to Maria about everything that had ever happened to him, but he would not mind talking of his youth either, nor his time in the army.

  'I suppose we'll often hang out together Maria, I'll tell you about my childhood and my time in the army. But I warn you, it will not be entertaining.'

  As Dennis spoke, he led his friends into the house and up the first stairs. He spent a moment's thought on Agnes in her study, undoubtedly trying to work on her new novel, but most likely plaguing herself with memories of the near past.

  Opening the door he felt a short stab of discomfort, he recognized the smell immediately, the heat of the day had helped it spread down the stairs. But he did not feel humble or needy, and looked back at Dick instead.

  Dick was certainly having a hard time, his face showed his emotions clearly, but Maria was close to him, holding his hand, encouraging him softly. Soon they were on their way up once more, and when they reached the top of the stairs, Dennis was proud to find himself looking around without any negative feelings, just concern for Dick and a little apprehension over Maria's reaction.

  Together, they explored the whole attic, their eyes got used to the dark quickly, and Maria confirmed Dennis' faith in her by supporting Dick incredibly well. The large man settled above Dennis' expectation, which was largely Maria's doing, but Dick was also watching Dennis closely, and could clearly see he had not lied about having come to terms with his time here.

  Dennis felt fine, the memory of his morning here with Agnes gave him a heady feeling of success, he would gladly come back again to make love to Agnes a few times before they tore it down. Even the chain and collar didn't upset Dennis, though they did give Dick a few bad moments, and even Maria

  seemed to feel the hopelessness of being forced to live here for months. She took Dennis' hand in sympathy, and found it stable and dry.

  'You really don't mind anymore, do you? You must be a very strong-minded man, I admire you, Dennis. Do you see that, Dick? Dennis is fine.'

  'I wasn't this morning, with Agnes. I felt awful, memories assailed me and brought me down to humility and unhappiness, but when we sat on the bed and Agnes was even more upset than I, they suddenly lost their hold on me and I felt fine. We made love, and then it was just another room, waiting for a new coat of paint and a new purpose.'

  By now, Maria was sitting on the bed, and she pulled Dick towards her. He did not feel comfortable sitting there, but she soon convinced him to do it anyway and they snuggled a little. Dennis felt excitement watching those two, Maria was very pretty in a totally different way from Agnes, and they were so hot together.

  'Will you sit down, too, Dennis?' Maria asked. 'I cannot believe you were stuck here, literally chained up, Dennis, it must have been so bad. How can you love the woman who did that to you?'

  She did not sound judgemental, merely extremely inquisitive.

  Dennis sat down on her other side, he felt he should sit next to Dick, to support his friend in what must be a difficult moment, but something inside him pushed him to sit next to Dick's woman instead. She was almost thirty, only a bit younger than Agnes and quite a bit older than Dennis, somehow he had a thing for smart women older than himself.

  'The only bad thing was being restrained, Maria. When Agnes was with me I felt loved, and safe. And Dick and Patrick visited often. I didn't mind having a mistress at all, in the army we were whipped for the slightest disobedience, I was used to being ruled, and mistress Agnes was much easier to please than a hard-bitten sergeant. And it was so good to have shelter, and plenty of food, and a good bed.

  But I felt lonely very often, and my past kept haunting me. And doing nothing was very hard. If the mistress had let me follow her everywhere, if she hadn't left me alone all the time, I would have worshipped her forever, and been deliriously happy doing so.

  That may be hard for you to imagine, but I never felt safe anywhere, and at her feet I was comfortable and secure. In a way I'm a bit sorry she wants me to be able to take over the household, I very much preferred to just follow her. But I do know how to lead, and I will do my duty to my wife and child,

  and everyone in this household.'

  Maria had an arm around both men by now and she felt strangely attracted to Dennis, who seemed a very stimulating mixture between a handsome, self-assured man, and a loveable, vulnerable boy. Slowly, Dick was regaining his usual calm, looking more and more like himself with every minute that passed. And Dennis didn't appear weak at all, he merely seemed to enjoy being so close to her, and he obviously really wanted Maria to understand that whatever had happened, it was in the past, and that he'd hate to have Agnes respected any less because of some mistakes she made in that past.

  'I understand now, Dennis,' she told him, and he leaned his head against her ample bosom. It was very hot, to be sitting between two men, men she knew had been sexually involved with a single woman before, and Maria was really tempted to invite them to indulge again, in this very bed, at this very moment.

  But Maria was smart, and she knew she could not tempt Dennis away from his lady. First of all, Dick would need to get used to that idea slowly, and secondly, Dennis would have to gain permission from his woman, the undisputed mistress of this household. Anything else would be foolish, and inviting trouble with either of the people involved.

  'I wish we could make love right now,' Dick sighed. 'All three of us.'

  Dick would always get away with such straightforwardness, any form of craftiness was totally foreign to him, he just expressed his feelings in all honesty. Maria was thrilled to hear Dennis swallow hard, and reply, 'I wish I could, Dick, but I cannot leave the mistress alone with her guilt. Maybe sometime in the future? She'd expect you to join us in return, though, and you're newly married.'

  It was obvious Dick didn't mind that idea at all, and instead of feeling rejected, Maria surprised herself by acknowledging that as no more than fair.

  Was this house changing her already? Was she ready to let her husband please another woman for the chance
to have sex with two men at once?

  The answer was a definite yes.

  But there was one thing nagging her about this whole attic thing, something wasn't right, and she would ask Dennis straight away.

  'Dennis, you said you were in the army for a long time, and Dick says you refuse to kill anything because you took so many lives. Am I right?'

  'That is certainly true. I'll eat whatever Agnes shoots, and I'll stay with Dick when he wants to ramble the moors to go fishing. But I'll never kill again.'

  'But you must be pretty good at it, having been trained as a soldier?'

  'Sure, I could subdue even Dick here with my bare hands. We were taught to handle all kinds of arms, and we drilled unarmed combat until it was second nature. Why do you ask?'

  'Well, something has been nagging me ever since you told me about your time in the attic. Why didn't you just subdue the mistress and force her to set you free? She could never have stood against you, and I don't think Patrick or Guy would have refused to give you the key, they wouldn't have risked the mistress coming to harm, and they never agreed with your capture. You let her keep you captive, you let her whip you, you could have gotten away but you didn't. Why?'

  Somehow, Dennis must have realized this, for though her question surprised him, he did not dismiss it or reason differently. He took some time to formulate an answer instead.

  'I suppose I have always known that subconsciously, Maria, but I never allowed myself to even consider hurting my mistress or Patrick. After some time I came to love Dick and Guy, too.