The Lying, the Witch, and the Werewolf (Down & Dirty Supernatural Cleaning Services Book 4)

by Kate Karyus Quinn

  “Well, I’m not a satyr,” I say, slapping his hands away. “I’m a human, and I’m going to stop this shit.”

  “Maybe you can,” Seamus says. “But not as Paige Harper.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  “Adorra has an APB out on you. After whatever stunt you pulled at the mansion yesterday, you are definitely no longer welcome at Together We Come. If you want to get away with this, you’re going to have to look like someone who belongs here.”

  “What, like a desperate housewife?”

  “No, I mean, someone who specifically is allowed to walk around the chocolate lab. And unfortunately most of the staff is here now, helping to load. There can’t be a double, and you definitely can’t pretend to be Adorra. She could show up here at any minute.”

  “Okay….” I say, tapping my foot. Those boxes are going out the door, and I need to snag a bar. Like now.

  “I know,” Seamus says, snapping his fingers. “You can be Adorra’s sister!”

  “Adorra has a sister?” I ask.

  “Well, half-sister,” he says, rubbing his temple. “She’s human. I can never remember her name. You’d think it’d be easy; it starts with jizz.”

  I frown at him through the gas mask. “Are you sure you’re not the drink-and-fuck type of satyr? Seriously, a human whose name starts with—”

  Oh, shit.

  “Giselle?” I ask, my mouth going dry.

  “That’s it!” His fingers go back to the charm, but this time with more of a purpose. Seamus closes his eyes and concentrates. I feel a warmth around my feet that begins to creep up my legs.

  “Wait,” I say, feeling panicked. “I don’t know if—”

  “All finished,” Seamus says, stepping back in triumph.

  I check out my reflection in the shimmery chrome surface of the vat, and swallow. Hard.

  I’m Giselle.

  23

  I really hate to admit it, but damn, I look good as my ex-fiancé’s wife. I am really rocking this pixie cut! I stop admiring myself for a second to think.

  Giselle is Brent’s wife—and apparently, Adorra’s half-sister, but I’ll have to come back to that particular nugget. Why would Giselle want to target her own husband’s rally?

  “Best of luck, jizz-lady,” Seamus whispers to me, before going to help with the rest of the boxes. There are only a few more left, and if I’m going to move, it’s got to be now.

  Luckily, I’ve seen Giselle’s walk on more than one occasion—usually walking away from me and with a little more hip-swagger than technically necessary—so I’ve got this down. I waltz over to the workers, nose right up in the air where Giselle would likely have it.

  “I need that box for inspection,” I say haughtily to Vicky.

  “Inspection?” She stops in her tracks, hefting the box from one arm to the other. “We’ve got to get these loaded. The rally starts in—”

  “I know exactly when the rally starts!” I snap at her. “My husband is the keynote, you know.”

  Vicky pulls her head in like a turtle who just spotted an eagle. She’s about to hand me the box when Seraphina comes over.

  “What’s going on?” The way she’s side-eyeing me, I can tell she and Giselle have probably gone around once or twice before. And honestly, I’m not sure who comes out on top in that tangle. This mermaid is not the meek girl who left Charms behind. Together We Come might not have the best intentions for the Firsters, but clearly they’ve done some good for Seraphina.

  “I need to take a sample for further testing,” I tell her, going for a hair flip, then remembering that I don’t have any. Giselle’s lovely locks are in a box under my bed back home.

  “Further testing?” Seraphina asks, eyes narrowing further. “Adorra didn’t say anything about that.”

  Seraphina is giving me a lot more trouble than I counted on. Glamour or not, I’m sure that Adorra is enough of a witch to detect that I’m not actually Giselle. I can’t risk Seraphina calling her for confirmation of her sister’s orders...especially when the real Giselle is undoubtedly back home in New Jersey by now, getting ready for the rally.

  But screw this. I’m here, and I’m not letting this moment get past me. I square Giselle’s shoulders and take a shot in the dark. “I don’t have to explain myself to you,” I say, channeling my inner mega bitch.

  I hold my breath—and watch Seraphina wilt.

  “Fine,” she says. “But I won’t give them the whole box. My informant at the rally says a crowd is already forming. We’re going to need every ounce of chocolate we’ve made.”

  “Absolutely,” I agree with a sharp nod, tearing into the box and grabbing two bars. “Don’t let me hold you up,” I say.

  “Is this about the deaths?” Seraphina asks and I trip a little, stopping in my tracks. Someone died?

  “Why do you think that?” I ask, keeping my voice casual.

  “I don’t...I just...sorry,” she turns away from me but I stop her. “I’m sure this formula is safe.”

  I stare into her eyes, trying to make her feel uncomfortable. Seraphina squirms. “Adorra was experimenting with belladonna. She was worried that someone with a chocolate allergy might consume the bars and the belladonna can sometimes counteract difficulty with breathing.” Seraphina forces a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, it’s only toxic to humans if they eat too much.”

  I clench my jaw to keep from screaming. Adorra put poison into the candy—enough to apparently kill some of her own people—and nobody here has a problem with it. This is the problem with cults; they get people so sucked in that they don’t question things that very clearly don’t add up. Like putting poison in chocolate that’s spelled to make a person compulsively eat it.

  I pocket the bars and give Seraphina one last look up and down. “Maybe you should talk less and work more,” I tell her. Pretty sure I nailed my Giselle impersonation.

  I glance at Seamus, but he gives me a small shake of the head. I’m not supposed to approach him—fair enough. I tuck the charm into my shirt and make a mental note to return it later. After I break up an attempt to turn a Humans First rally into a death orgy.

  I bust out of the lab and head back to the yurt, still disguised as Giselle. I figure it’s better to look like her than Paige “Broom Flasher” Harper. Hopefully Adorra is too busy working to wonder why Giselle is here and not in New Jersey.

  Actually…wait. How are they going to get that chocolate to New Jersey in time for the rally? I stop dead on the path, confused. Could I be wrong about all of this? No, there’s no way. Even Seamus had said he didn’t agree with what Together We Come had planned for the Humans First rally. So—

  A cracking noise fills the air and I jump forward, afraid a tree is about to fall on me. But nothing is moving in the woods, and when I uncover my ears, they’re still ringing. I don’t know what’s going on, but I know I’ve got to get out of here.

  I hoof it back to my yurt and duck inside. Nico spins, suddenly snarling.

  “Wait! It’s me! It’s Paige!” I say, hands up. Nico steps forward and takes a hesitant sniff, then nods.

  “What’s with the glamour?”

  “Long story,” I say, handing over one chocolate bar. If we get separated, we’ll each have proof. “Do not eat that. If you eat too much it’s deadly.”

  “What? I had a ton last night! How do you know this?”

  “I looked like Giselle. I learned a few things. Like belladonna is one of the ingredients in the chocolate.”

  Nico shakes his head. “Nope. No way. I did not smell that.”

  “There is literal magic at play here. Don’t you think that maybe trumps your werewolf sniffer?”

  “Maybe,” Nico admits.

  “Did you hear a weird noise a second ago? Kind of like a sonic boom?”

  Nico nods. “That’s magic travel. When a portal opens or closes it can cause a disturbance. Especially if something heavy—or many things—are being transported.”

  “Like truc
ks full of sex candy?” I ask.

  “Exactly,” he says. “Luckily, we also have—”

  Before Nico can finish that thought a man calls out, “Coming in!” and then Mac barges into my yurt with Cassie at his side.

  “Paige?” she asks, her eyebrows coming together in confusion.

  `“Sorry, yeah. It’s me,” I take off the necklace with Seamus’ charm and tuck it into my pocket.

  “Thank gods,” Cassie breathes when she sees it’s the real me. “I hoped I would be able to find you in time.” She stretches a hand out to me, “I’m about to see something!” She doesn’t look good. Her face is pale and her eyes are weirdly unfocused.

  “Please tell me you haven’t been eating chocolate,” I say.

  “No,” Nico says. “I know that look. She’s about to have a vision.”

  Mac lowers Cassie onto my cot and gently tucks a piece of her hair behind her ear. “She felt it coming on and knew it was about Paige, so we hurried right over—”

  “Hello, I’m right here!” Cassie says. “Stop manscaping my life!”

  “I think you mean mansplaining,” I say quietly. “But either way, right on girlfriend!” I hold out a hand for a high five and Cassie is stretching out her own hand to meet me when her eyes roll back in her head.

  “Paige,” she intones in a creepy monotone voice. “You will be taken.”

  24

  I stare at Cassie, barely able to take her words, because I’m so freaked out by the milky sight of her eyeballs blindly staring at me. But then she gives herself a shake and smiles, all back to normal. “Whoo,” she says. “Felt good to get that one out. As I get older, I can feel the visions coming on, almost like some people can sense a storm rolling in. It’s always a relief when they’re done.”

  “Cassie,” Nico says, his voice harsh. “What did you mean about Paige being taken?” Nico’s mouth is in a firm line and his glamour begins to shimmer, like it can’t cover the anger boiling underneath.

  “Oh, c’mon Nico. Calm down,” I say, not needing him to get all over-protective on me. “Taken?” I repeat, trying not to laugh. “I’ve been living in a sex cult all weekend and haven’t been taken once.”

  “Paige, this isn’t a joke,” Mac says, helping Cassie to her feet. She’s still pale and a little waxen, but her eyes are back where they're supposed to be—and she’s super-focused on me.“Please don’t unfriend me,” she says. “I hate being the bearer of bad news.”

  “Cassie, I could never hate you,” I assure her. “And it doesn’t seem like that bad of news,” I add, grabbing what few of my possessions came with me to the yurt. “Are you sure it wasn’t more like caught? Because Adorra totally caught me in the mansion.”

  “No,” Nico says, grabbing my wrist. “The prophecy wasn’t about being caught. It was about being taken.”

  “You guys are focusing on the wrong thing,” I say, yanking my wrist away from him. “I’ve got the proof of what Together We Come has in mind. We’ve got to get to that rally—like now. Also, I’m kind of on the Most Wanted list around here, so the sooner we leave, the better.”

  “I’m sorry,” Cassie says, her head dropping, but not before I see tears forming in her eyes. Shit. Not only did I not get laid at the sex cult, I also managed to offend the one friend I made.

  “No, I’m sorry,” I say, stepping forward and taking her hand. “I didn’t mean to ignore you, or your prophecy.”

  “It’s okay,” Cassie says, her voice tremulous. “I’m kind of used to it.” She looks up at Nico, eyes shining. “Do you remember what my prophecies used to be like?”

  “Yeah,” he says, smiling back. “You always knew what was for lunch at Mount Olympus Academy.”

  “Super useful, that’s me!” Cassie says, but there’s an edge in her voice. Nice. I think I just opened a vast well of insecurities within this sweet little psychic. Great job, Paige Harper. My motto should be—Save the World, Destroy A Friend.

  I plop down beside Cassie on the cot and give her a big hug. “I’m just overwhelmed,” I tell her. “It’s been a long weekend, and now we’re trying to stop this chocolate bar plan…”

  “I get it,” Cassie says quietly. “You have more important things on your mind.”

  “No! That’s not what I’m saying,” I insist. “I love that you gave me a prophecy, I mean, sure I wish it was more of the ‘you’ll take come into money’ variety of fortune—”

  “Oh no,” Cassie interrupts. “I definitely did not get any indicators of wealth for you. Like nothing at all. Zip. Zilch. Ze—”

  I hold up a hand. “Yep, okay, got it. That definitely tracks with how my life has been going. But then again, so does being ‘taken’. I have a crazy fae roommate, my ex-husband could possibly put me up as payment in a poker game, and then there’s this guy…” I jerk my head in Nico’s direction. “Sending me into undercover jobs. Plus, I clean a supernatural brothel, my ex-boyfriend is a newly turned vampire—”

  “Oh crap,” Nico says, interrupting my recitation, Actually, I’m kinda glad, because the reminder of my real life was making me consider throwing myself on Adorra’s mercy and begging to stay at the sex cult.

  “What?” I ask Nico.

  He winces. “I forgot. Shauna wanted me to tell you that Liam disappeared and nobody can find any trace of him.”

  I shoot to my feet. “You conveniently forgot to tell me that?”

  Nico rolls his eyes. “Sorry if Liam isn’t my number one concern right now. Why do you have Shauna watching him anyway? He’s a big boy. He can take care of himself.”

  “Because…” Tears fill my eyes and I sink back onto the cot next to Cassie. “I turned him into a vampire.”

  Cassie takes my hand and pats it between her own. “It happens,” she says in her accepting way.

  “He hates me now,” I add.

  “It can be a difficult transition,” she says. “I bet he comes around.”

  I sit up hopefully. “Did you see that, in one of your visions?”

  “Um, well...no.” Cassie gives me an apologetic shrug. “I was just being optimistic.”

  “Right,” I say, sagging back down. As thoughts of Liam come back, so too does VSK. Wow, amazingly, I actually forgot about my stalker for a few days. Here in the middle of the sex cult I felt safe for the first time in a long time.

  “You know, even though I wasn’t super into all the sex stuff,” I say to Cassie, “I’m really going to miss it here.”

  “Then stay!” she exclaims. “I’m going to! We can be Together We Come besties!”

  I sigh. “I can’t. I have work and friends and…” I shake my head. “My dad always said when you try to run away from your problems they always eventually find ya anyway.” The thought of my dad puts some steel back into my spine. I wasn’t raised to mope. “So if someone wants to take me, they better watch out, because Paige Harper goes down swinging.”

  Cassie claps her hands, obviously impressed. “You are so spunky for someone with absolutely no special abilities at all,” she says admiringly.

  “Uh, thanks.” I frown at her and then Mac, who gazes down at Cassie adoringly. “Are you sure about staying here?”

  She nods without any hesitation at all. “I am all into it.”

  I’m about to correct Cassie that the phrases are “all in” or “into it”—but then I decide that her combo phrase is perfect just the way she said it.

  I move to stand, but Cassie grabs at my hand once more. “Paige, I know you’re as tough as any mortal creature can be, but if you ever need me...I have ESPN.”

  “Great,” I say, not sure how to take this. “Well, I do sometimes like to catch a baseball game.”

  “Baseball?” Cassie giggles. “I don’t think you understand. If you get in trouble, close your eyes and think of me as hard as you can. I try to always keep the channel open so I can hear close friends when they’re in need.”

  I swallow hard. “Are we close friends?”

  “Of course!” she excla
ims, throwing her arms around me for a gigantic hug. “I told you, we’re commune besties!”

  By the time I pull back from the hug, I’m not the only one crying. “Cassie, listen, I know you think you want to become a permanent member here at Together We Come, but please think about it before you make any commitments.”

  “I will, I promise,” Cassie says, but her eyes slide off me and over to Mac. I have a feeling that if he’s all in, she will be, too.

  But if Together We Come has taught me anything, it’s that I can’t control other people. Also, don’t suck magic candy off a hot werewolf’s finger.

  Even the memory of Nico’s finger between my lips gets me flushed, but the cold nose shoved into my hand quickly takes precedence.

  “Oh, Shit!” I say, leaning down to hug my Dalmanther.

  “He’s going to have to stay behind, Paige,” Nico says. He sort of melted away to let me have my moment with Cassie, but now that it’s over, he’s back into alpha take charge mode.

  “What! No!” My arms tighten around Shit, and he begins a low growl in his chest, aware that I’m upset. “I’m not leaving my Dalmanther!”

  Mac crouches next to me, running a hand along Shit’s chest, and his rumbling growl shifts into a purr.

  “He’ll be alright here with us,” Mac reassures me.

  “And you don’t want to have him with us at the Humans First rally,” Nico says.

  “He’ll be a good boy! He won’t hurt anybody!” I insist.

  “You don’t know that,” Nico shakes his head. “If you are in any danger—and that’s very possible—Shit will protect you. And that means ripping out throats. Also, this is a Humans First rally, remember? Firsters don’t like anything to do with supes, and Dalmanthers are part of that. We’re going to have our hands full, and I don’t want anything to happen to Shit if a hater decides to go after him.”