IMMAGINARIO

by C. L. Monaghan

  Joe shifted on the bed. His hand reached out to me to stroke my hair. His touch instantly reassuring. My safety zone.

  “Bella. How are you feeling?” The concern in his eyes blatantly obvious.

  “I’m OK I think. I feel a little shaky. Is there any water?”

  “I’ll get some, one minute.” He rose and went quickly to the bathroom to fill a cup. When he returned, I had propped myself upright on two pillows. I took the water and drank it all in one go.

  “You want some more?” Joe offered out his hand for the cup but I shook my head.

  “No thank you.” He took the cup and placed it back on the bedside table. “What time is it?” I asked.

  “It’s a little after 3pm.” He said. “Did you get a good sleep?”

  “I suppose so.” I lied. “I still feel a bit groggy though.”

  “That’s probably the effects of the sedative. The Doc thought it best to give you something to help you rest. He says it’s probably all the stress of the last few weeks that finally caught up with you.”

  “Probably.” I said, not knowing what else I could say. Joe looked down at his hands and he started to pick at the bedcovers.

  “You scared me baby. When you ran off like that. I didn’t know what to do. I had to lock the bar and then come find you. I didn’t know what I would find when I reached you.”

  “I’m sorry.” I choked back. Seeing him scared and sad like this made me feel awful. I knew I’d have to pretend like I’d had a mini breakdown or something because there’s no way I could ever tell him the real reason for my outburst. Joe caught the tone in my voice and was instantly beside me, he pulled me into a crushing hug and breathed into my hair deeply.

  “Don’t ever do that again. Please Naomi? If you ever feel like you need to run, run to me. There’s nothing we can’t get through together OK?”

  “OK” I replied meekly. The depth of feeling with which he spoke stunned me. It was clear that despite him only being an actual physical person for a few days, the situation we were in was by no means new, at least to him. This was a fully established, committed relationship. It was a marriage! It would take some getting used to but I had already decided it was what I wanted. I’d just have to pretend everything was how it had always been. Joe was my husband, we had a book bar and I was not crazy.

  “I called your mother.” Joe said and I froze.

  “You what? Why did you do that?” I groaned.

  “Because I think she should know when her daughter is ill. Don’t you?”

  No! I wanted to say. She abandoned me. But then I remembered that everything was different now. And she had been planning on moving to New Zealand even before all of this happened.

  “What did she say?”

  “She wants to Skype you later when you’re feeling up to it.”

  “What if I’m not feeling up to it?” I whined.

  “Naomi,” he chuckled, “come on now, don’t be a coward. She’s your mother and she loves you. It’s just a quick call.”

  Then why did she leave me? I sighed heavily. “Fine. But not yet. I’m too tired and my head is fuzzy. I need all my wits about me to deal with my mother.”

  “You’re too harsh bella. Your mama is adorable. Her heart is in the right place.”

  OK now I knew I was in some parallel fucking universe or something because no one could ever call my mother ‘adorable’. A thought occurred to me,

  “Joe? Do we have a wedding album? Of photographs. I mean.”

  “You know we do.” His brow furrowed again but he quickly smoothed it over. Blimey, he must think I’m bonkers.

  “Can you get it for me please?”

  “Sure. If you want. Are you feeling nostalgic?” I nodded and smiled and Joe disappeared out the bedroom door. When he returned he held out a thick, brown leather covered album to me. I took it and sat nervously with it on my knee. I wasn’t sure I had the mental capability or the appropriate acting skills to be able to look it with Joe sitting right there with me so I asked him to make me a coffee.

  “Are you hungry bella? I can make you something special?”

  “Really? That’d be lovely, thank you.” I beamed at him. I was starving but it also meant it he’d be in the kitchen for a while, giving me chance to look at the album alone. I felt like I needed the space and the privacy to deal with whatever was in this album. Joe gave me a kiss on the cheek and pottered off to conjure me up some wonderful culinary masterpiece.

  I stroked the album cover and slowly peeled it back. The first page gave the details and date of our wedding. I was astounded to discover we had gotten married in Lincoln cathedral! That was unbelievable…and expensive. I wondered how we had ever been able to afford that? I felt quite jealous of the fact that I had apparently gotten married in one of the most impressive medieval buildings in the country and didn’t even bloody remember it! My fingers trembled a little as I peeled back another page to be presented with a large, black and white close up of Joe and I kissing. I turned to the next page and saw a full page spread of what little friends and family I had, stood together in front of the cathedral. My friends and family, not Joe’s.

  It struck me how much my dad would’ve loved my wedding. I pictured his face beaming with pride as he walked me down the aisle, imagined his father-of-the-bride speech and how he would’ve welcomed Joe into our family. The fact that both myself and my father had been denied this day hurt so much I almost couldn’t stand it. The lump in my throat strangulated the whispered words I forced from my lips,

  “I miss you daddy.”

  I kept flicking through and studying the photos, trying to absorb the fact that this had been my wedding day but it was so surreal. I could see myself, Joe and other people I recognised in the pictures but it felt like I was looking at someone else’s life. It was the strangest feeling not having any recollection of what supposedly had been the happiest day of my life. It all looked so perfect and everyone was smiling, even my mother! My dress was simple and understated but elegant, exactly the sort of thing I would have chosen. Joe looked incredible in a dark navy blue suit which complimented his colouring.

  “You looked so beautiful that day mia cara.” The sound of Joe’s voice made me jump and I quickly shut the album.

  “Oh, hey. I didn’t hear you come in.”

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you jump…again.” He smiled. “Here is a nice hot coffee just for you and your food will be ready in about fifteen minutes.” He looked rather satisfied with himself so I assumed that whatever it was that he was cooking, was going to be pretty special. My stomach growled just to remind me that I was indeed, very hungry. I inhaled deeply as delicious smells wafted in from the kitchen.

  “Oh Joe, that smells amazing! What are you making?”

  “It’s just a little pasta dish and side salad my love.” He grinned and I cocked an eyebrow at him.

  “Just a little pasta? Really? Because when I make pasta it smells nothing like that!”

  “That’s because you are not Italian. Only Italians can cook pasta and make it smell and taste like the food of the Gods.” He winked at me and I laughed.

  “And only you could make arrogance look adorable.” I quipped back.

  “It’s all part of my charm bella. There’s a reason that Italians are labelled the best lovers in the world you know.”

  “Oh really? And what is that?”

  “Because it’s the truth.” He shrugged laughing. “I need no other reason than that. The evidence speaks for itself don’t you agree?”

  I hit him with a pillow. “Oh my god! How cocky are you!” He tugged the pillow away from me and a look of pure devilment crossed his face.

  “You want to talk about cocky? I can show you cocky.” He winked.

  “That is not what I meant and you know it!” I was belly laughing hard now. God he was adorable. I could forget that I didn’t get to attend our wedding. I could excuse that fact that a huge chunk of my life had changed without me being aware
of it. Because I had Joe and he was worth it. I would get used to my new life and everything would be fine. My mum wasn’t dead-she was just not here. I supposed Joe and I could fly over and go visit her and Immy in New Zealand and I could meet my nephew or was it niece? I couldn’t remember right now. But suddenly, with Joe sitting here laughing with me, things didn’t seem as frightening as they had done this morning.

  An alarm went off in the kitchen and Joe got up off the bed.

  “That’s the oven timer. Do you want to eat at the table or would you like me to fetch you a tray and you can eat it in bed?”

  “Well aren’t I being spoiled!”

  “Yes. You are. So, which one?”

  “Hmm, I think I’d like a tray please. Or is that incredibly lazy of me?”

  “You’re entitled to be lazy after this morning bella.”

  “Well, perhaps I should be lazy more often then if this is the sort of treatment I get.” I teased. Joe wiggled his eyebrows and said,

  “Oh this is nothing il amore mio…wait till you see what’s for dessert!”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Just A Walk In The Park

  A few weeks had passed in relative bliss. Joe and I had opened The Imp again and we were going to work together every day. I was slowly getting used to my new life. I’d spoken to Mum and Immy via Skype. It had been a rather bizarre experience having to pretend that everything was normal and listen to them talk about things like I should know what they were referring to. I’d tried to join in the conversation as best I could without it being obvious that I was totally clueless. I had asked a few nonchalant questions in an attempt to glean information that I could use to make my performance more plausible. But from the odd looks I’d gotten from Immy, my acting skills fell way below par.

  The Imp was proving tiring work but so much fun! I’d never enjoyed socialising much and so I’d never made too many friends. The ones I’d made when I was with Iain had been his friends and had remained so after our split. I had a few old ones from my college days that kept in touch and visited now and again. But now, we had a couple of regulars who came into the book bar every day and chatted. I was getting to know my community and making new friends and found that I liked it. Of course, Joe was the big attraction, especially with all the university students. I saw the way they flirted and batted their eyes at him but I wasn’t jealous. Joe being Joe, lapped up the attention and flirted right back but in an open and innocent way, with a laugh and joke. He usually winked and smiled over at me or put his arm around me and kissed my cheek, letting everyone know that he was mine. The older ladies especially loved him, even Mrs Crabtree from our building had taken to popping in at lunchtime for tea and cake and she had hardly ever gone out before. Joe had this uncanny ability to bring out the smile in everyone. Our little book bar business was booming and I was thrilled!

  The one thing that spoiled it, was that I knew this picture of happiness couldn’t possibly last. Joe had given me time to get over my little ‘episode’ and he hadn’t mentioned anything further about the accident he was convinced he had been in. It played on my mind constantly, even though I tried to bury it, like a worm it always burrowed its ugly way into my thoughts. He would start asking soon, I knew it. I could see it in his eyes and on his face when he thought I wasn’t looking. He wanted to know what had happened to him and I was going to have to tell him. I just hadn’t banked on doing it so soon.

  “Hey bella.” Joe came up behind me and his arms went around my waist, pulling me into him.

  “Hey you.” I smiled. “I’m almost finished cleaning the tables. It was busy today wasn’t it! Will you help me bring in the chairs from outside please?”

  “Sure baby. I’m all done in the kitchen. I put the last of the dishes away and the pie is in the fridge for morning.” He turned me around to face him and surprised me with a tender, lingering kiss. I felt that familiar tug just below my belly button that happened every time we kissed. When I opened my eyes I expected to see his cheeky smile but instead he looked rather serious.

  “Come for a walk in the park with me after closing? We need to talk.”

  Oh God. The pleasurable tug in my belly quickly turned to a stab of fear. This was it. This was the day it would all fall apart.

  “Uh huh.” Was all I could manage and then thankfully his lips found mine again but not even Joe's kiss could melt away the feeling of dread that washed over me.

  I spent the remaining half hour closing The Imp in absolute emotional turmoil. My mind raced. I went over and over what I could possibly say to him that didn’t make me sound like a complete nutcase. I tried to think of how I could stick with the story of him having an accident, but realistically there was no way that would work in the long term. Eventually he’d need a doctor if he fell sick and then he’d find there were no medical records. Or what if one day he decided to track down evidence of his accident and couldn’t find anything. I’d caught him looking at our wedding album earlier this week too. Did he not think it strange that none of his own friends or family were in any of the photographs? It was the first thing I had noticed so surely he must have too? Then again, what if I told him the truth and he believed me? I imagined how that conversation might go. ‘Yes, so what happened was that I completely fell in love with you when I read about you in a book and then something magical happened and POOF! Here you are.’ How would he feel? How would he react? Oh God. He’d probably hate me and think I was a crazy basket case. There was just no way around it. I would just have to be brave and tell him everything. He deserved the truth.

  My eyes constantly flicked back and forth to the small clock on the wall. When 5.30pm came Joe switched off the lights and walked me to the door. He said nothing as he turned the key in the lock. The silence was torture. When he finally turned to me he must have seen the nervous expression on my face because he took hold of my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

  “It’s just a walk in the park bella. Come on, let’s go.”

  We walked hand in hand to the small park not far from the little museum around the corner. It was uphill so by the time we arrived I was breathing hard. Unsure if it was caused by the climb or the growing sense of panic in my chest. Joe walked us over to a weather beaten, old wooden bench and pulled me down to sit next to him.

  “Joe, I’m sorry. I…”

  “Naomi, you know I love you, right?”

  We had both spoken at the same time.

  “Wait. What?” I didn’t like the sound of that, he’d said it in a ‘you know I love you but’ sort of way.

  “You go first bella.”

  “No, it’s fine. I think I’d rather let you go first.” I said, thinking that it might be easier to explain everything if I let him lead the discussion. I braced myself for the questions I knew he must be burning to ask and mentally tried to prepare my answers.

  “I love you Naomi and because I love you so much. I need to ask you something but just hear me out first OK?”

  Oh shit, here we go!

  “OK.”

  “I think you should go see Dr Blanchard, your therapist, again.”

  “Er…what?” That was not what I’d been expecting. “Why?”

  “Bella, I know you don’t want to talk about what happened last week but it’s been playing on my mind. I…saw some things…and I’m worried about you love. I think you might be experiencing post-traumatic stress or something like that.”

  This conversation was not turning out how I had feared it would. Now I wasn’t sure if I should feel relieved, or worried about why Joe thought I needed therapy.

  “What things have you seen? I told you, I’m fine. Really, there’s no need to be worried. I’ve never felt so happy.”

  Joe chewed his bottom lip as if unsure how to proceed. He looked away from me for a few seconds and then I really did feel scared. What the hell had he seen?

  “I found something. I didn’t mean to read it bella. I was looking for some paper and I knew you had some in your cabin
et. I found…”

  “My manuscript!” I finished his sentence for him. Relief tinged with anxiety washed over me. That wasn’t so bad was it? I mean it’s just a story and it chronicles my life with Joe, almost like a diary really. Surely reading that wouldn’t lead him to think I was gaga? Maybe it was a good thing he’d already read it, it might help soften the blow when…if… I told him the truth.

  “Yes. I know it’s private and I probably shouldn’t have read it.” Joe hung his head. “It caught my eye and I remembered seeing something like it when…when we weren’t together.” He meant when he was having his out of body experiences, or that’s what he thought they were. I still had no idea what the hell had happened or how I’d ended up in my own novel.

  I still didn’t understand why my manuscript should be cause for concern. I tried to think back over what I had written that might upset him but I just couldn’t see how it would. It had shocked me when I last looked at it and had seen how our lives together now followed my own plot line and how some things that I hadn’t written, like my family being in New Zealand, had appeared. But everything had turned out great. I was happy. Surely, if Joe had read it, wouldn’t it just look like I had written our story? I hadn’t even finished it. In fact, the moment Joe had arrived in my life, I’d been so distracted by the sheer bizarre turn of events, and I had hardly give it much thought.

  “Joe? I don’t think I understand. What has reading my manuscript got to do with why you think I need a therapist?”

  “Bella…I love that you have written about us. It’s beautiful that you did that but…”

  “But what?”

  “Some of the other things that you wrote inside it…they… they don’t really make any sense.”

  “Well, now you’re not making any sense.” I said, a little affronted. What the hell did he mean by that?