Indecision

by Caragh Bell

  ‘What is with you lately? Are you okay?’

  ‘I’m fine.’

  There was a pause. A pretty young waitress arrived to take their order.

  ‘I’ll have the ciabatta with chicken and avocado.’

  Colin snapped his menu shut.

  ‘I’ll have the same.’ Lydia smiled wanly.

  ‘Which tutor do you want for your thesis?’ he asked, taking a sip of water.

  Lydia pondered for a moment before answering. ‘Brendan, I think.’

  ‘Me, too!’ Colin clapped his hands together in excitement. ‘We’ll be told this week, I think. I can’t wait to have it over with.’

  She half-smiled. ‘The sooner the better.’

  She couldn’t concentrate on her studies right now; not with her personal life in the state that it was in. Always conscientious, this was a rare experience for her. She needed to snap out of it. Their sandwiches arrived.

  ‘A bottle of Evian, please,’ said Colin to the waitress. ‘This tap water is vile.’

  ‘You got it. Anything else?’

  ‘No thanks,’ said Lydia. She stared at the ciabatta on the plate. It looked enormous. Colin, unperturbed by its size, took a huge bite and cursed when he spilled some avocado on his white shirt.

  ‘Dammit.’

  Despite herself, Lydia smiled. ‘Do you want to use my napkin?’

  He shook his head. ‘That stain won’t come out without Vanish. I wouldn’t mind but this is Armani.’

  The waitress arrived back with a large bottle of Evian and filled both their glasses.

  Colin lifted his glass and took a sip. ‘So, Val met Jessica last night.’

  Lydia didn’t dare look up. ‘Oh, yeah?’

  ‘She was furious about Luca. Apparently he didn’t come home that last night in St Johann.’

  Lydia poured herself some water. ‘Oh?’ She felt sick.

  ‘Val was shocked. I mean, how much of a bastard is he?’

  Lydia felt like she was going to faint.

  Colin stared. ‘Jesus, Lyd, are you okay?’

  ‘I’m fine!’

  ‘You don’t look fine.’

  ‘I still haven’t got over the trip, I guess.’

  Colin began to butter his bread.

  ‘Did she say anything else?’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Jessica!’ Her pulse was hammering in her ears.

  Colin looked at her and narrowed his eyes. ‘Nope. That was it.’ He poured a glass of water and sipped. ‘Why are you so interested anyway?’

  ‘I’m not.’

  ‘Yeah, right.’

  She could see his brain go into overdrive. Avoiding eye contact she picked up her knife and fork and started to cut the panini into small bite-size pieces.

  ‘Why are you so jumpy, Lyd? Dish it.’

  ‘I told you, there’s nothing to tell.’

  There was silence. She hung her head and waited for the moment to pass.

  Please change the subject, she pleaded silently. It was only a matter of time before he put two and two together.

  Val had dinner ready when Colin arrived home.

  ‘Did you have a good day?’ he asked, kissing him.

  Colin took a seat at the kitchen table. ‘I’m not sure. Tell me if I’m being crazy, but I have a theory.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘I met Lydia today. We had lunch.’

  ‘So?’ Val added some pepper to the pot.

  ‘She was acting all weird, totally different to normal. Then I mentioned Jessica and she nearly passed out.’

  ‘Maybe she’s sick. There’s a flu going around.’

  ‘She’s not sick.’ He raised his head and looked Val straight in the eye. ‘She cheated on Dom in Austria.’

  Val stopped stirring his sauce. ‘Say again?’

  ‘It all fits. Her reaction, her mood. Did she stay out that last night?’ Colin pursed his lips. ‘She said she had to pee when we reached the hotel and didn’t come upstairs, that’s all I remember.’

  Val banged the table. ‘Pee, my arse. She left again with him. That’s what happened. Jesus, what were they doing? Poor Jess.’

  ‘Poor Dom.’

  ‘Poor everyone.’ Val shook his head. ‘Why can’t people play by the rules?’

  Colin reddened. ‘Look, Luca has been ringing her constantly but she won’t pick up. Maybe that’s a good sign. Maybe that means that she’s not interested. She’s not a bad person.’

  ‘They’re adults, Col. It’s none of our business.’ Val resumed his cooking with a sigh. ‘Things will work out as they are meant to do.’

  ‘No, Val, no way. This is wrong. She is meant to be with Dominic. It’s a no-brainer,’ protested Colin.

  ‘It’s her life, leave it be.’

  ‘No, Val, I have to do something before she makes a complete mess of everything.’

  ‘Leave it.’ His tone was firm. ‘She’s old enough to look after herself. Now set the table, we’re almost ready.’

  Colin opened his mouth and shut it again. Val was right, of course. Getting involved would only make things worse. Hopefully, it was all a huge mistake, never to be repeated.

  His big brown eyes were worried as Val served him some pasta. Dominic and Lydia were like Helen and Seán. It felt like they had always been together: the perfect fit. The thought of things changing unnerved him. Why couldn’t things stay the same? Why did Luca have to turn up and cause problems? Helen had been right. All hail a mother’s intuition.

  Oh, if only he had heeded her warning and done something about it already.

  ‘You won’t tell Jess, will you?’ Colin gave Val a pleading look.

  Val shrugged. ‘I won’t tell her but I’m not protecting anyone either. If she cops it herself, then so be it.’

  ‘If she mentions Austria again, just change the subject,’ suggested Colin. ‘Talk about the weather or clothes or anything other than Lydia. Please.’

  ‘Are you blaming yourself?’ asked Val kindly, noticing his anguished look. ‘You could never have stopped it, you know.’

  Colin sighed. ‘I know. It’s just such a mess. I love Dom and I don’t want people to get hurt.’

  Val mopped up the sauce with a slice of baguette. ‘The fact that Lyd’s ignoring him is a good sign. Let’s just hope it was a once-off.’

  ‘You’re right.’

  ‘Now, eat up. I’ve been slaving over this for hours.’

  Colin kissed him gently. ‘I love you.’

  ‘I know.’ Val smiled. ‘Now, pour me some of your latest poncey wine.’

  Luca was waiting outside her flat when she got back from town.

  Lydia stared at him, a mixture of emotions flashing through her. He looked vulnerable and utterly gorgeous, his blond hair gleaming in the lamplight.

  ‘Lyd ...’

  She continued to stare at him. She didn’t know what to say. She had not at all expected that he would turn up on her doorstep. She couldn’t believe that she had been so intimate with him. That she had explored his body and kissed every inch of it. He was looking at her in the same way. Magnetically, she felt herself gravitate towards him, but she stopped.

  Why did he have this effect on her? She could ignore the phone, but not the real thing. His physical presence surrounded her.

  ‘Can I come up?’

  ‘No.’ She was vehement. ‘No way.’ She started towards the front door, but he prevented her.

  ‘Why?’ He started to move towards her, closer and closer.

  ‘No.’ She backed away in a panic until she felt the cool concrete wall behind her. He stood millimetres away from her, his tall frame blocking her escape.

  ‘What are you scared of? That I’ll jump on you and tear off your clothes?’

  He leaned closer. She could feel the heat from his body. Her heart started to pound.

  ‘Stop it.’ Her eyes pleaded with him to leave.

  ‘Don’t cut me out,’ he whispered, his mouth tantalisingly close.

  She could
feel his breath as he spoke.

  ‘You can’t deny what happened. Look at me!’ He grasped her shoulders. ‘Lydia, look at me.’

  She met his gaze reluctantly.

  ‘I need to see you. I can’t think about anything else. Please let me come up.’

  ‘No.’ Her voice came out as a whisper.

  He released her violently and hit the wall in frustration.

  ‘I’m going crazy. Why the fuck won’t you answer my calls? Why are you denying what happened?’

  She was speechless. Her head was spinning. She wanted him to kiss her. In fact, she was disappointed that he didn’t. Oh, why was she so weak? She couldn’t answer him. She needed some space.

  ‘Goodnight, Luca.’ With supreme effort she walked away. Pushing open the door, she closed it firmly behind her. She waited with her head resting on the wood until she heard him walk away. Slowly her eyes filled with tears. Every fibre in her body wanted him. That’s what made her despise herself the most.

  Chapter 30

  Dominic rang half an hour later.

  ‘Can you come to Dublin this weekend?’

  ‘Not really. I’m very busy. I got assigned a tutor and he wants the bare bones of my lit review for Monday.’ Lydia bit her lip. She hated lying, but seeing Dom was not on her priority list. It made her feel so guilty.

  ‘Who did you get?’ he asked conversationally.

  ‘Brendan Cleary – I’m delighted,’ she said lamely. ‘How about next weekend?’

  There was a pause. ‘That’s what I need to talk to you about.’

  She perked up. ‘Oh?’

  It seemed like an eternity before he spoke. ‘I’ve been offered a month’s work experience in New York.’

  ‘What?’ She sat bolt upright.

  ‘Voluntary, of course. Oh Lyd, it’s so fantastic to be asked. I’ll work under the greats – Robson, Brandini. I have to go.’

  ‘For a whole month?’ Her head was swimming.

  ‘You can visit. To be honest, Lyd, I’m so thrilled.’

  ‘How can I visit, Dom? I’m so busy. Plus I’m broke.’

  ‘Please support me on this,’ he pleaded. ‘I have to further my career. This will look great on my CV.’

  ‘I suppose.’ She couldn’t think.

  ‘It’s only a month.’

  Of course he was right. Maybe it was divine intervention. Maybe it would give her the break she needed to put this whole sorry mess with Luca behind her.

  She tried to inject some enthusiasm into her voice. ‘You’re right. You should go. It’s a great opportunity.’

  ‘Do you mean that?’

  ‘I’m happy for you,’ she affirmed. To her surprise, she really was. This was just what they needed. She could work on her thesis and he would be furthering his career.

  ‘Lyd, you’re an angel. I love you.’

  She could hear the genuine feeling in his voice.

  ‘I love you, too,’ she answered warmly. ‘So, when do you fly out?’

  ‘Monday.’

  She gasped. ‘So soon? That’s crazy. That means that I won’t see you.’

  ‘No. I simply can’t make it down.’ He sounded genuinely sorry.

  Maybe this is for the best, she reflected. Better not to make a fuss.

  ‘Ring me later, baby. Congratulations.’ She tried to sound happy.

  ‘I love you so much.’

  ‘I know.’ She hung up the phone with a heavy heart.

  Colin squawked when she told him. ‘Why? Why is he going away? Does he not realise?’

  Lydia gave him a sharp look. ‘Realise what?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  They walked into the Old Bar.

  ‘It’s only a month, Col. It’ll fly. I’ll use the time to get going on my thesis.’

  He ran his hand through his hair. ‘I suppose.’

  They ordered two coffees and took a seat next to some sporty types under the TV screen.

  ‘Have you started your lit review?’ Colin crossed his legs elegantly. ‘I’m going to look at homosexuality in literature from a post-modernist perspective.’

  Lydia giggled. ‘You’re such a cliché.’

  ‘What? Why?’

  ‘Do you even know what that means?’

  ‘I do, actually.’ He looked affronted.

  ‘Sam and Craig are planning a summer holiday now. After his exams. Looks pretty serious, huh?’

  ‘You and Dom should go away too. Somewhere romantic.’

  Lydia sipped her coffee. ‘Maybe.’

  There was a pause.

  ‘Anyway, any plans for the weekend?’ Lydia asked eventually.

  Colin shook his head. ‘Val wants to see The Playboy of the Western World down town. I said I’ll go, but yawn. You?’

  ‘I told Sam that I’d go home, but I think I’ll lay low here.’

  Rihanna was writhing around on the TV wearing very little. Colin hummed along.

  She felt his presence before she saw him.

  ‘Hey there!’

  Colin’s eyes widened. Lydia closed her eyes.

  ‘Hi, Luca. How are you?’ Colin looked flustered.

  Lydia stared at the beermat on the table. Colin kicked her ankle and she looked up.

  ‘Hi, Luca,’ she said lamely.

  ‘How are you guys?’ He looked like he was in good form.

  Colin returned his smile. ‘Great. Never better. Just discussing the thesis. Have you decided what you’re doing yet?’

  ‘No, not yet. I’ve really got to get it together. I just wanted to say hi, so um, I’ll go again.’

  Lydia said nothing.

  ‘Bye, Luca! See you soon!’ said Colin.

  He walked away.

  ‘Jeez, Lyd, you could have civil to him.’

  She scowled. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

  ‘He’s just gone over there. He’s with that guy in Craig’s class – Mark, isn’t it? And some girl. Mark’s girlfriend, maybe? Oh no, she isn’t actually. I mean, never mind.’ He practically buried his nose in his coffee cup.

  ‘What do you mean ‘isn’t actually’? What are you saying?’ Lydia now looked alert.

  ‘Let’s go.’ He got to his feet and grabbed his jacket. ‘Let’s get pizza in town.’

  ‘But my coffee …’

  ‘Just leave it.’

  Lydia turned around slowly and scanned the crowd. Her gaze rested on Luca, just as he started kissing a stunning blonde. She felt something knife her heart and twist it.

  The bastard. He came over to announce his presence. He was now kissing the girl because he knew she’d see. He wanted to hurt her. How insensitive. How cruel!

  But you hurt him, said a small voice in her head.

  Tearing her eyes away, she nodded at Colin. ‘No pizza. I’m going home.’

  ‘You’ll be all right, you know.’

  ‘What? What do you mean?’

  Colin sat down again. ‘I mean that you’ll get through this.’ His brown eyes were warm. ‘Just forget him.’

  Lydia’s face went red. ‘Forget who?’

  ‘Luca.’

  ‘Why would I want to forget him?’

  Colin raised an eyebrow. ‘Don’t even try to deny it. That last night in St. Johann?’

  ‘You know?’

  ‘I know.’ He grasped her hand and squeezed it. ‘I presume you haven’t come clean to Dom.’

  She shook her head. ‘It’s a mess,’ she said dolefully.

  ‘Yes, it is. But it’s over. Move on. Forget him.’

  She bit her lip. ‘I feel so terrible.’

  ‘That will fade.’ He got to his feet again. ‘Come on, babe. Let’s go.’

  She got up and Colin helped her into her jacket. Then he put his arm around her and they walked towards the door.

  ‘I love you, Col.’ Her eyes watered. ‘You’re always so good to me.’

  ‘I love you, too. Now, let’s get out of here.’

  Luca glanced over at Lydia. Hell, she was leaving?


  He had wanted her to see him leave with Anabelle. Why was Colin putting his arm around her? Was she upset? Maybe it worked after all.

  Look back, he urged silently as she walked away. Look back.

  Slowly her head turned and her eyes met his briefly. She looked haunted. He felt his skin grow cold, but he shook away the feeling. She deserved this. No one treated Luca Jacob like that.

  He pulled Anabelle closer. She smelled of cheap perfume and her hair was black at the roots up close. She was the complete opposite of Lydia and for that he was happy. It was time to move on. She had made it so clear that she wanted nothing to do with him. And he didn’t like being alone for too long.

  Lydia dropped her keys on the kitchen table and put her head in her hands.

  This was all her fault. She had pushed him into the arms of that girl.

  Why did it feel so awful? Why did she want to run back down to the bar and claim him as her own?

  She thought of Dominic. He was probably packing by now. She knew she should have made the effort and gone to Dublin, but she couldn’t. A break was just what she needed. The sight of Dominic made her feel like a whore. She had to get over Luca before she could resume her relationship with Dom.

  Walking into her bedroom, she winced. It was even more untidy than usual. In fact, the whole flat was in disarray. Dirty plates filled the sink; the carpet was covered in popcorn and crumbs. The coffee table was laden with mugs and half-eaten biscuits.

  Sam will go crazy when she gets back, she thought. I need to clean.

  She contemplated ringing Colin; he would relish the challenge.

  No, Lydia. You have to sort this yourself. Sort out this mess yourself. She smiled sadly at the irony of her words. Maybe if she sorted the flat, her life would follow suit?

  She steeled herself to begin the task. Grabbing a cloth she began wiping down the table. Anything to get her mind off Luca and what he was inevitably doing with that girl.

  Luca was, in fact, on his way home.

  Anabelle hadn’t worked out. In the end, he couldn’t bear the caked-on make-up and the silly laugh. He had accomplished what he had set out to do anyway. Lydia had looked upset. That was the aim.

  Craig rang as he closed the door.

  ‘Hey man, you’re home early.’