Love Me Again

by Wendy M. Burge

  “I heard you were not feeling well,” he began, his words as hesitant as his manner. He could barely look her in the eye.

  “A mere cold, more bothersome than worrying,” she assured him through her nasal congestion. “What are you doing here? I thought Wellington was not supposed to enter Vienna for several days at least.”

  Robert shrugged. “'Tis what he wanted. He abhors fanfare, so he decided to come ahead of schedule.” He sent her a sideways glance. He waited, as if expecting her to say something.

  Which she should. Gently, she wiped her nose, thinking furiously. It was never easy for her to dissemble, and it was terrible how unhappy she was to see him. What a horrible person she had become, she thought bleakly. Taking a deep breath, she gave him a wane smile. “I am so sorry, Robert. I was hoping to be over this by the time you arrived. I must look an absolute fright.”

  Robert's smile looked relieved as he sat down carefully on the foot of the bed. Her answering smile was tentative at best. “You are always beautiful to me, Christina. Surely you know that.”

  That caught her off stride, and Christina peered more closely at him through the dusky light. It had been so long since he had offered her a compliment. “Is something wrong, Robert?” She couldn't help being suspicious. Fear suddenly gripped her. “Is Eddie all right?”

  Robert frowned at her. “Of course he is. At least I believe he is.”

  Sighing, she wiped her nose and settled back into her pillows. “I'm sorry, it is just that you are acting so strangely.”

  He flushed as he looked away, then busied himself with lighting the lamp on her bedside table. “Forgive me. It is just that...” After finishing with the lamp he stood up and wandered over to the window, where he stared out into the clear evening. “I feel awful. I have since I last left you. I was an unconscionable bastard.”

  Christina looked down at her hands. She knew she should demur, but she held stubbornly silent, for she could not help but agree with him. Finally, she said, “It is all right, Robert. You have been under much stress. The whole delegation has.”

  He turned back to face her. “Don't make excuses for me, Christina. What I did ... well, it embarrasses me. It angers me that I treat you so, hurting you, when all I want is to love you. All I want is for you to love me.” He rubbed his forehead. “The problem is, I want you to love me the way you do him. While I was away I did a lot of thinking. Too much thinking, truth be told.” He gave a bitter laugh. “It made me realize that I can't demand your love to suit my expectations.”

  Christina leaned forward, her hand outstretched, “Robert,”

  “Christina, please,” he cut in harshly. “I need to say this.” He waited till she reluctantly relaxed again. “When I met you, my life became centered on you. I wanted you, and that was all that mattered. I didn't care who you were. I didn't care what you wanted. I didn't care where you came from.” For the first time he looked her straight in the eye. “I didn't care. One way or another I would have won you. When I brought you to Kerkmoor I was actually exultant that Edward took to you so well, because I finally had something he couldn't have. You were mine, and only mine.”

  Frightened where this was heading, she helplessly shook her head, but he paid her no heed as he walked about the room. He didn't appear upset or angry, merely contemplative. “That pleased me, you see. The fact that you didn't want to go to London pleased me yet more, for I knew that you would always be there at Kerkmoor, waiting for me. I didn't have to worry about which men were sniffing around your skirts and which men you would find attractive. I have never liked my possessions poached on. Edward would be the first to tell you that I have always had problems dealing with my jealousy. Edward believes it is because I am resentful of being born the second son, and all that rot.”

  Christina stared at him, stunned. “Is that what I am? Your possession?”

  He stopped and stared down at her as if seeing her for the first time. “I have to admit that once upon a time that was how I thought of you. I have always loved you, you know, from the first moment I saw you. But at the beginning it was a matter of ownership. I had to have you.”

  She smiled at him bitterly. “As you had to have your prize stallion, Goliath?”

  Sadly, he shook his head. “At one time, yes, but now I find myself wanting above all to see you happy. I love you that much, Christina.”

  She blinked up at him. “What are you saying?” she whispered.

  He paused, his jaw tensed with inner turmoil. His chest was rising and falling as his tension grew. “I don't know. That is the problem. I know you are not happy. I know what it would take to make you happy, and yet I don't know if I am noble enough to make the sacrifice. Does that make sense?”

  Christina realized she was staring at a stranger. He looked familiar, yet this man's eyes were those of a stranger. Since coming to Vienna the man she had loved and felt comfortable with had been replaced by this rather perplexing enigma, with whom she had not the slightest idea of how to deal. “Robert, do you believe I am not happy with you?”

  He studied her with wary distrust. “Can you say you are?”

  “I can tell you I have not liked the man you have become since coming to Vienna.”

  He stretched his arms wide and said with a sense of regret, “Behold the man that I am, Christina.”

  Confused, she shook her head. “The man I know is gentle and generous and...”

  “The man you knew never felt threatened. Since coming to Vienna I feel as if my world has been yanked from beneath my very feet. I see the woman I love with a passion I never even suspected gazing at a stranger with a passion she has never shown me. You have given me no reason to be gentle and generous when you are on the verge of taking away everything I live for.”

  She was shaking her head, “What am I taking away from you, Robert?”

  “Yourself!” he shouted. Then he caught himself and raised clenched fists to his eyes. “God, Christina, look at me! I can't think straight anymore.”

  Christina's head was pounding with a pain that made her dizzy. Helplessly, she sneezed, then sneezed again. “Robert, I don't understand...”

  “Of course you understand, Christina,” he replied wearily, his arms dropping limp at his side.

  Tears in her eyes, she stared up at him, “No, I don't. I do love you, Robert, and as soon as this horrid Congress is over, I will be returning home with you. What more do you want?”

  Your soul, he thought, as ever jealous for everything. I want what you have always given him. His lips twisted wryly. “Ever the dutiful wife, eh, Christina? But there are many forms of love, aren't there?”

  Resentment suddenly twisted in her heart. “Yes, there are, and you loved me like a possession.”

  “And now it is you who possess me,” he told her softly. “And that's the problem, you see. You don't want me.”

  The silence between them grew deafening as they stared at each other. When the door opened and a little tan body came hurtling through, nails scrabbling on the slick wooden floor, Christina was thankful for the interruption. Helen, walked in, with the puppy's leash trailing in her hands. “The little lady was a good girl...” Her words trailed off when she noticed the viscount standing next to the bed. Immediately she dropped into a curtsey. “My lord, welcome back.”

  Robert was too busy staring down at the tiny creature sniffing at his boots to reply. “What is that?” he demanded irately as he sidestepped awkwardly away from the little beast that was now intent on grabbing hold of the swinging tassel on his boot.

  Helen retrieved the puppy and put her into Christina's outstretched hands. Smiling, she cuddled it close and kissed the cock-eyed ears and happily received an equal amount of squirming love, which was mostly excited whimpers and sharp little nibbles that passed for kisses. “This little lady is Katie.”

  Seeing how laughter had softened his wife's face, which only a moment earlier had been stiff with strain, he shook his head in disbelief. Every time he turned aro
und that bastard was doing something to put that look in his wife's eyes.

  Looking over at Robert, Christina instantly saw the anger in her husband. “She was a gift from a little girl.”

  Little girl, be damned! Did she take him for a fool? “Well, as you are busy, I will come back at another time.”

  Surprised, Christina watched as, without another word, he stalked past Helen and out the door. In the distance she heard the door to their apartment slam shut. A question in her eyes, Helen turned to look at Christina.

  Looking away, Christina busied herself with the playfully growling pup, teasing her with a knotted rag. Katie's whole life centered around a good game of tug-of-war.

  Sadly, Christina was thinking that now that Robert was back she couldn't see Varek again. She was, after all, Robert's possession.

  Thoughtfully, she looked at the still open door.

  What had he been trying to tell her?

  * * * *

  Varek stepped to the balustrade and looked down onto the entrance hall. Sergei was standing in the center, his hands clasped behind his back, looking about with little interest.

  “You wanted to see me?” Varek's question echoed down with an eerie quality.

  Sergei jerked his head back and looked up. “Good evening, your highness.”

  The formality made Varek unaccountably angry.

  “Come up.”

  “Thank you, but I did not want to take up your time. I merely thought you should know that Basingstoke has returned.”

  News that Varek had been dreading. Taking a deep breath, he asked shortly, “How is she?”

  “Still has her cold, but she is getting better.”

  Varek clamped down on his anger. “Don't be obtuse.”

  Sergei looked away. After a few moments of debate, he admitted slowly, “She is unhappy, I believe.”

  “How is he treating her?”

  Sergei's mouth tightened. “I heard him giving directions to a few of his men to have her followed.”

  Varek's fingers clenched abound the smooth wood. How he wished he had that bastard's neck between his hands! He nodded down to Sergei. “My thanks, Sergei.”

  Without another word, Sergei bowed his head and backed away.

  Varek stared down on his hands, still gripping the wood with white-knuckled rage.

  “Damn it to hell!” he hissed out, then slammed a fist down on the railing. He welcomed the pain shooting up his arm, bringing him back to his senses.

  With Wellington now in Vienna, Varek was going to have to think of another way to get rid of Basingstoke. Either that or kill him, which wouldn't please Christina in the least.

  “Hell and damnation, why don't you rid me of this pissant?” he shouted into the cavernous hall, his words echoing back to him as ominously as a death knell.

  * * * *

  Robert never did finish the strange conversation he had begun that night, and Christina didn't know whether to be relieved or not.

  No one saw much of Castlereagh or Wellington, much to the disgust of all the Congress's hostesses, for they were closeted together while the viscount brought the duke up to date on the shambles the negotiations were in. In the meantime, Robert seemed always to be underfoot. Christina had to admit she much preferred it when he had been the unconscionable bastard, his own words, and ignored her. Now his gentle esteem seemed no more than a way to keep her safely under his control and out of Varek's way.

  And so the next month progressed. By the end of it Christina was ready to run screaming to the nearest church for sanctuary. The man Robert had become was a man she would never have married. He was too moody. He was too kind. He was too solicitous. He was too jealous. He was just too damned unpredictable. She couldn't turn around without him dogging her steps, asking if she needed anything, and even when she demurred, insisting that she needed something, and bound and determined to find out what it was.

  His love, or this new version of it, was stifling her. Much better if she had remained a mere possession that he had taken for granted. She never realized until now how much she had cherished the independence his behavior had once afforded her. But Vienna had changed all that, and even when they returned to England, it might never be as it once was between them.

  She had never been a violently inclined person, but she was afraid that if he asked her one more time how she was feeling, she was going to take Katie's leash and wrap it around his congenial throat.

  And in the background Varek watched and waited. He seemed to know of her frustration and his amusement taunted her every move.

  Blast all men anyway!

  Eighteen

  Christina was sitting at breakfast when Robert rushed into the apartment and headed directly for his desk. “It is confirmed. Napoleon has escaped Elba and is marching toward Paris.”

  Placing her cup in its saucer, Christina set Katie down and rose to her feet. “Is there war in France?”

  “No, they seem to be welcoming him back with open arms, the fools!”

  “But what of King Louis?”

  “Fled to the Netherlands.”

  “Oh, my God. There will be war again, won't there?” Silly question, for the Allies, who were gathered together at this very moment in hopes of arranging a world peace for the future, would hardly sit back while Napoleon ran rampant again. She hurried over to Robert and placed her hand on his arm, gaining his attention. “What is Wellington planning?”

  Robert stared down into her frightened eyes, and some of his tension eased away. Taking her hand, he drew her over to a settee, and together they sank down. “It is too early to tell yet, love. But I think we all know Wellington well enough to take for granted that he is already making plans to deploy troops. Already dispatches are flying back and forth among the capitols of Europe. Rothschild was sent for this morning.” The premier money-lender of the world; already funds were being sought to finance the troops and arms.

  In a daze she realized they were all facing the inevitable, war.

  “Perhaps Napoleon has no intention of marching beyond France. Perhaps accord can be reached with him.”

  Robert's gave her an incredulous look. “Surely you jest?”

  She pulled her hand away. “No, I am not. Are the Allies going to at least try to negotiate with him?”

  Shaking his head, Robert went back to his desk, searching for something. “Just like a woman. No understanding of politics whatsoever.”

  However, Christina's insight was not too far off the mark, for indeed, emissaries came from the restored emperor of France with negotiations for peace. Apparently, Napoleon was content with ruling France and, as they had just witnessed, France wanted him to lead them.

  But one of his conditions was that he wanted Belgium.

  And so it started again, and the Allies recognized it. Belgium, and then what? And any country being ruled by a revolutionary was not a concept any of the Allies was comfortable with. What kind of message was that sending to all the people of Europe? The thought of another revolution such as that in France had sent shudders of fear through even the strongest of men.

  Whatever halfhearted attempts to negotiate with Napoleon the Allies had opened where closed immediately upon learning of his conditions. War was indeed the only way to stop a man who knew nothing but his own egocentric demands for total domination.

  By mid-March the Congress had declared Napoleon an outlaw, subject to the justice of the Allies.

  With Robert gone most of the days and nights, closeted with Wellington, Christina was pleased to find that again her time was her own, though she could have wished the reasons different. It was on a bright, sunny morning that she made plans to join Tina in the park for a picnic. She hoped Varek would join them, but with the upheaval in the Congress, she rather doubted he would have the time.

  As it turned out, Laure accepted Christina's invitation to join them and brought her brood also. Between the children and the pets running about, it turned out to be a truly enjoyable experience wit
h hampers of food spread around in a banquet of delights to tempt the fussiest palate. Christina wished with all her heart that Eddie could have been there, but she had Tina and Katie to ease her sense of loss.

  At some point Christina found herself puppysitting, with a wiggling menace in each hand. The pups’ mother, Sandi, was napping contentedly at her side, and Laure's little schnauzer, Minx, was lazing against her knee as she watched with perk-eared interest the quick movements of the children. Another game of blindman's bluff was just starting, all the children scattered in a wide circle as Laure's young son was blindfolded and spun around. The children's laughter and squeals echoed loud in the crisp air, and the adults’ light-hearted calls of encouragement had the blindfolded boy stumbling in every direction.

  In her hands, the pups, Katie and CeCe, were trying to knock each other silly, sparring with bared teeth, their high-pitched whining sounding eerily human. She flinched as their teeth knocked together, and looking up, she searched for Tina, intending to call her over to help with the little rascals.

  But she wasn't with the other children.

  Scanning the park farther afield she didn't see the two burly bodyguards that were set to watch Tina when Varek wasn't with her. Even Sergei was gone. A trickle of unease slithered down her spine. Frowning, she rolled to her knees and again looked closer among the children, trying to catch a glimpse of Tina's bright blue frock. But still there was no trace of her. Worry started to pound in her chest.

  Without turning from her perusal, she thrust the puppies into Laure's arms and stumbled to her feet, crying out Tina's name.

  Immediately, Laure and Helen were at her side, also looking about. In no time the footmen and nurses were all ranged out along the park, calling Tina's name and questioning the park's pedestrians.

  Christina herself was frantically going from person to person, when finally one little old lady pointed down a side street. Without even waiting for the lady to finish, Christina lifted her skirts and darted recklessly out into the street, dodging vehicles, pedestrians and curses alike as she ran across. A footman, noticing her frantic change of direction, followed after her, sprinting hard to catch up.