Magni

by Janice M. Whiteaker

  “And I’d have kicked his ass up and down that fucking street.” Magni sniffed in a bit of blood that was seeping from one nostril.

  “Then why are you letting her tell you something you know isn’t fucking true?” Jerrik smacked his brother on the shoulder with the back of his hand. “You look worse off than this one did when he fucked it all up with Rhea.” He looked at his brother. “And he was a fucking naked mess.”

  Hagen propped his hands on his hips and shook his head, disappointment lining his face. “Christine loves you Magni or she wouldn’t have pushed you away when she needed you the most. She fucking did it for you man.” He stepped back. “If you can’t see that then we can’t fucking help you.”

  “I’m happy to give you a little more hell either way.” Jerrik pushed his hair back with both hands and raised his brows in question.

  Magni sat back on the ground at the base of the tree where he’d spent his first miserable night without Christine. He waved Jerrik off. “Go back home.”

  Hagen stood his ground. “You’ve only got a couple hours to change your mind before we take Christine to the hospital. She loves Rhea and my mom but I’d put everything I have down that she’d rather it be you who showed up to take her.” Hagen stared at him for a second and Magni waited for his nephew to say something else. Instead he turned and followed Jerrik and Joel through the woods toward his cabin.

  Magni tipped his head against the tree and listened as their quiet steps faded until they were gone. Then he sat a little longer.

  Hagen didn’t understand. He couldn’t. Hagen didn’t know what it was like to have the woman you love tell you she didn’t want you. The woman Hagen loved never wavered. Rhea was a fighter. She wouldn’t let him walk away from her even when—

  “Fuck.” Magni jumped up from the tree and took off through the woods, looking at the sky through the breaks in the trees as he ran. The sun was over the horizon, spilling light over the mountains.

  “Goddamn it.” He pushed harder, letting his beast take over. It was the only chance he had to make it in time and the beast was screaming to get out. To get at what they both wanted after being denied.

  Hagen was right. Christine was a liar.

  And he was stupid. Or blind. Or both.

  By the end of today he would know the truth. Either Christine loved him...

  Or she would hate the shit out of him for what he was about to do.

  ****

  “Are you sure you’re warm enough?” Hagen looked up at Christine in the rear view of Rhea’s car. If she was in a better mood the sight of the big man shoved behind the wheel of the small car would have been funny.

  It wasn’t.

  Neither was being wedged in the back seat.

  “I’m fine.” Christine glared up at him.

  He grinned back at her. “You look fine.”

  “Leave her alone.” Gail reached up and slapped her son in the back of the head. “She’s stressed out.”

  Gail reached over to squeeze Christine’s left hand with one of her own, patting it with the other. “Don’t let him upset you.” She shot her son a dirty look. “He’s an ass.”

  Christine stared out the front windshield. Somehow she’d gone from riding to the hospital with Rhea and Cora to having half the town take her to the hospital this morning.

  More than half the town.

  At least they were entertaining. It helped her forget which part of the town wouldn’t be with her at the hospital. Wouldn’t be with her ever again and it was her own damn choice. And it was the right one.

  Damn it.

  Magni didn’t need to deal with this coming up every six months. The waiting. The uncertainty. The constant fear it could come back and ruin everything they had.

  Oh wait. It did that already.

  “Stop it.” Rhea elbowed her from the other side. “You can’t go into surgery like this.” Rhea grabbed her hand. The warmth of her energy started immediately, pushing up her arm hot and heavy.

  Christine didn’t even turn her head. “You’re going to wear yourself out.”

  Rhea pushed her energy in faster. “Nope.” She looked around the car. “Got a lot of back-up to pull from.”

  “I get to go first.” Gail’s eyes were bright as she practically bounced in the seat. She was clearly excited about the opportunity to dabble in their abilities in any way she could. “I ate five eggs this morning and drank a half a pot of coffee to be sure I was all juiced up.”

  Hagen snorted from the driver’s seat. “We can tell.”

  His mother hit him again. “Ass.”

  Christine shifted on the uncomfortable lump that was the middle seat of Rhea’s car. They were only fifteen minutes into what was going to be a long freaking hour.

  Cora sat in the front seat with Christine’s information folder on her lap. “Did they say how long you’ll be in surgery?”

  Christine blinked, trying to remember what Dr. Pashal said. “An hour maybe?”

  It wasn’t high on the list of things she cared about right at this moment. Actually it didn’t really matter at all how long it took. At least while she was sedated, the hurt look in Magni’s eyes wouldn’t haunt her. Make Christine want to change her mind and run to him. Confess everything she tried to hide from him and hope he still wanted her.

  Because she still wanted him. It was more than that though.

  She needed him.

  But loved him enough to pretend she didn’t.

  It wouldn’t be easy but she hid from him once. She could do it again. Only this time it wouldn’t be nearly as simple. This time there was more between them to try to ignore and stuff down. This time she would have to put more distance between them.

  That’s why she asked Joel if he wanted to rent her house.

  Christine had to leave town. Maybe indefinitely.

  There was no way to stay there and know he was so close. Especially if Magni moved on. And why wouldn’t he?

  The ache in her chest deepened, making it hard to breathe.

  No. Seeing him with another woman would kill her.

  “Back off.” Christine looked at Rhea out of the corner of her eye. “Mind your own business.”

  She could feel her friend’s energy creeping in and shut it out. It would have to be done sooner or later and if Rhea knew what Christine was planning she would do everything in her power to stop it. Right now that was one more thing Christine didn’t have the wherewithal to deal with.

  “I have to.” Rhea narrowed her eyes at her. “You’re blocking me.”

  Christine smiled. If there was one good thing that came out of this it was that her barrier was on its way to being firmly back in place. Protecting her. Keeping her life in and other people’s lives out. It was the only way she could function without...

  Without someone strong enough to protect her from what happened when it was down.

  Without him.

  Without Magni.

  From now on her life would be separated into two very different periods.

  With Magni.

  Without Magni.

  The first was perfect. Safe. Secure.

  Fleeting.

  The second was shit.

  Permanent shit.

  “I think you should come stay at the B&B while you recover.” Gail turned in her seat, clearly prepared to plead her case. She started to count off her fingers. “You can have a room so you will have privacy but I can still be there the second you need me.” Finger one. “You won’t have to cook.” Finger two. She moved to her third finger. “You—”

  Christine held up her hand. “Fine.”

  Gail’s head tipped back in surprise. “Really?”

  “It’s fine.” Christine didn’t feel like arguing with Gail right now, or anyone else for that matter. That’s why there was a parade taking her to the hospital. And she wasn’t even that upset about it.

  Because being alone right now wouldn’t be a good thing. All being alone did was give her time to think of hi
m and that wouldn’t do her any good. Not now.

  Not ever.

  Magni was gone.

  She had the rest of her life to be alone.

  Christine sat quietly while Rhea and Gail settled into an easy conversation around her. Cora read on her tablet in the front seat, quietly swiping her finger across the screen every couple of minutes. Christine found herself paying more attention to the quiet woman in front than the two women on either side of her, talking away. Maybe it was because she was desperate for something else to occupy her mind or maybe it was because there was something peaceful and serene about Cora that pulled her in. Rhea’s sister was intriguing.

  And mysterious.

  “I figure I’ll do up some chicken noodle soup when we get back.” Gail checked her watch. “Why do they need you here so damn early?”

  “It’s just the way it goes.” Cora didn’t look up from her tablet. “The hospitals want to make sure there’s no chance you’re late for your scheduled time so they have you get there super early.”

  “Not that it mattered.” Gail huffed out a sigh. “I couldn’t sleep last night anyway.” She leaned her head against Christine’s. “I bet I wasn’t the only one.”

  Christine hadn’t slept since the night before last. Didn’t even try to lie down. Not because she was nervous about today, but because her bed was too big, too empty without a giant of a man taking up more than his half of her queen-sized mattress. She’d gotten used to Magni being there so quickly. Taking up space she didn’t realize she had to spare. Filling a life she didn’t realize was empty until he came into it.

  Now it was glaring how bare she’d allowed her life to be. More like designed it to be. All because Christine didn’t want to deal with the weight of other people’s lives if they seeped into hers. She didn’t want to worry about their futures. Agonize over what she saw.

  It was just easier to avoid it all together.

  Unfortunately, based on the number of people smashed into the car this morning, that didn’t look to be an option available to her anymore. Not with them anyway. But that wouldn’t be an issue for long.

  Once Christine moved it would be easy to put people back on the other side of the wall where they belonged. She just wasn’t meant to be close to people. It was too hard. Like walking a tightrope without a pole. Staying on the rope was hard and lonely but falling was worse.

  Something you might not recover from.

  Like losing Magni.

  But she didn’t lose Magni.

  She let him go. On purpose. For his own good.

  Because she loved him.

  Still.

  And fuck it all, probably always would.

  22

  “They’re already gone.” Joel stood on Christine’s front sidewalk.

  “Are you sure?” Magni looked at Christine’s car where it sat in the driveway. The light-blue sedan gave him hope he wasn’t too late as he raced down the tiny street her house sat on. He’d forgotten Hagen and Rhea took her to the hospital this morning.

  “They left as soon as we got back.” Joel gave him a once over. “You look like shit.”

  Magni looked down at his rumpled shirt and filthy jeans. He hadn’t wasted a second getting in his truck and flooring it down the mountain. “It was a rough night.”

  “It looked that way. Your morning doesn’t look to be going too much better.” Joel walked to the wood planked porch and sat down. “Want to talk about it?”

  He did, actually. Magni wanted to hear he wasn’t being stupid, chasing a woman who didn’t want him. He rubbed his burning eyes. “I feel like I’m going crazy.”

  “Christine offered to rent me this place yesterday.” Joel tipped his head up to look Magni square in the face. “She says she’s moving away.”

  “Goddamn it.” Magni sat down beside Joel. “I don’t know how I got here.”And it was the least of his fucking worries in this moment. “It doesn’t even matter now. How am I supposed to fix this?”

  Joel sniffed and leaned back on his hands. “I got nothin’. My experience with women looks to be a whole lot like yours.”

  Magni looked at his son. “And that is?”

  “Shitty.” His son looked out over the yard. “Chasing the wrong ones like my life depends on it and too chicken shit to run after the ones who deserve it.”

  “This has nothing to do with being a chicken shit.” Magni pulled out a cigarette. “I’m trying to do right by her.”

  “If that’s what you want to tell yourself.” Joel stood up. “I’ve got to go check in at the B&B. I promised to keep an eye on things this morning while everyone was gone. Apparently there was some trouble last night at the bar. Some guys trying to start a pissing contest.”

  Magni lifted a brow. “Who won?”

  Joel barely smirked. “Kari.”

  Magni laughed in spite of his current situation. “That sounds about right.” He sobered quickly. “Be careful out there.”

  “Always.” Joel turned to leave. He stopped and looked back. “Don’t be an idiot.”

  “I’ll do my best.” Magni took a long pull of his smoke as he watched his son walk back toward town. His son. Joel was finally back where he belonged. Surrounded by his family. His people.

  He pinched out his cigarette and stood up. He loved Hagen and Jerrik like they were his own. When their dad died of a heart attack Magni stepped in, trying to guide them into adulthood. Show them the right path to follow. Not that he was much of a role model for them. His life was a perfect example of what not to do.

  Don’t marry a woman you had to practically beg to love you.

  Don’t be an asshole to people who try to help you.

  Don’t be an idiot.

  Now he had to decide if he wanted to add another don’t to his list.

  Don’t let a woman go without telling her you love her.

  Especially a woman like Christine.

  If she shut him down anyway at least Magni could face Joel and know he acted like the kind of man he wanted his son to see him as. And at least Christine would know how he felt. Even though having her put him out again would end him, now wasn’t the time to leave anything on the table. It was time to man up and say what needed to be said.

  Magni shoved the hem of his shirt down his pants and ran his hands through his hair as he strode across the yard to his truck. He reached into the console for his phone to call Hagen and let him know he pulled his head out of his ass.

  “Shit.” He left the damn thing at home twenty minutes up the fucking mountain. Twenty minutes up. Twenty minutes back. Forty minutes longer without her. Without knowing. Going back wasn’t an option.

  He should have paid better attention to that damn paper on her table. It probably would have been easier if the sight of it hadn’t ripped his heart out of his chest and left him feeling like he’d pay for the sins of his past forever.

  And so would Christine if he didn’t figure out how to find her.

  Magni jumped back out of his truck and jogged to Christine’s front door. He took a quick breath and said a silent prayer before trying the handle.

  Locked.

  “Fuck.” He stepped back and walked in a circle on her porch.

  Every second that ticked by was one second longer Christine was facing this bullshit without him. One second longer she didn’t know what she meant to him. One second longer he had to suffer not knowing if she felt the same way.

  Magni barely hesitated. He took two long steps and put the sole of his boot just above the deadbolt on Christine’s front door knocking it open and splintering the trim inside. It bounced against the table he made her, knocking off a chunk of the top and sending everything on it flying to the floor. He barely gave the table a glance as he rushed in to the dining room.

  The folder was gone.

  “Fuck.” Magni dropped his head back and stared at the ceiling. He sucked in a deep breath and blew it back out. He had to calm down and look. It was here somewhere.

  The ceiling fa
n spun over his head, sending a breeze straight down on him and on the table where Christine’s stack of papers sat yesterday morning.

  He looked down. On the floor, tucked in the corner under a hutch was a piece of paper with something on top of it. Magni dropped to his knees and crawled to the spot. It was the paper he saw yesterday, face up, pinned in place by a framed picture of an older woman he recognized instantly. Because of her eyes.

  Eyes the color of sea glass.

  He gently placed the picture of Christine’s mother on top of the hutch then looked at the paper in his hand. Her surgery was scheduled to start at 9:00. He looked for a clock.

  It was 9:10.

  Magni put his hand on his chest as the medallion Christine gave him went cold.

  “Fuck.” He turned and ran out of the house, his heart racing as he floored the truck for the hospital an hour away trying not to think too hard about why the heat of her energy left the necklace.

  ****

  Christine stared at the ceiling. Her lids were heavy, barely making it through each blink as they moved across her eyes, knocking free tears she couldn’t stop. She made a mistake.

  She couldn’t do this without him. She didn’t want to.

  “Don’t worry.” The anesthesiologist patted her shoulder, looking down at Christine with kind eyes. They squinted as she smiled behind her mask. “Everything will be okay. I promise.”

  That promise wasn’t hers to make. She didn’t know the awful thing Christine did. The horrible lie she told, pretending it was to protect Magni when deep down she knew it wasn’t. Deep down Christine was still holding onto her fears.

  But Magni was wrong about not being a part of her life. He was. He was part of her. And it didn’t matter now.

  Because he was gone and Christine proved she was no better than Lori.

  She was so foolish. So stupid. So selfish. Nothing would be okay. Not ever again. It didn’t matter what happened today or what happened tomorrow.

  None of it mattered without him.

  Christine’s arm felt warm, like it did when Rhea held her hand. But Rhea wasn’t holding her hand. Not now and if Christine did what she planned, she wouldn’t again. She would go back to being alone. Like before.