Broken

by Oliver T Spedding

  But the attraction went much deeper than sex. It was obvious that we both felt comfortable in each other’s company and there was never any need for verbal communication. Often we would walk to school together without saying a single word and yet when we went to our different classrooms I felt as if the walk had been fulfilling. The silence between us never felt awkward or embarrassing.

  “I appreciate you coming here today, Cindy.” I said when she came to offer her condolences.

  “I’m glad I came to the service.” she replied. “I didn’t know your aunt but I believe that she was very popular. Where are you going to live now?”

  “I don’t know yet.” I said. “At the moment I’m still classified as a juvenile and it’s up to the Child Welfare Department to find somewhere for me to stay. But as soon as I finish school and find a job, I’ll be able to find my own place to stay.”

  “So we won’t be walking to school together any more.” Cindy said.

  “Not if I have to go and live somewhere else.” I said. “But we can make up for that during our lunch break if you like.”

  “I’d like that very much.” Cindy said.

  CHAPTER 5

  I had been listening very carefully to Garth’s testimony, especially the last part concerning his early feelings towards me. What really surprised me was that I had experienced the exact same feelings towards him, although at the time I hadn’t been quite so aware of them. Although Garth had said that he didn’t understand the feelings, I now felt positive that the feelings related to us both having been abused. I began to believe that people who were abused during their formative years subconsciously recognise others who have suffered the same experiences and a subtle bond builds up between them.

  “Thank you, Garth.” Paul Greave, Garth’s attorney said with a smile. “I’ve no doubt that the court appreciates your forthrightness and honesty. You can step down from the witness stand.”

  Paul Greave turned to Judge Warren Bester.

  “Your Honour.” he said. “I would like to recall Doctor Thomas to the witness stand."

  The judge nodded and the psychiatrist stepped onto the witness stand and sat down. He looked at Greave expectantly.

  “Doctor Thomas,” Paul Greave said, “I think that it’s quite obvious that the court is dealing with two very serious instances of child abuse; psychological, physical and sexual. Two cases that, if they became known to the public, would result in a huge outcry of indignation. However, we are not here to expose child abuse but rather to try and understand its consequences as far as the two victims are concerned. We are not looking for excuses but rather for reasons.”

  The psychiatrist nodded.

  “What I would like you to do, Doctor, is briefly summarise the long-term consequences of child abuse.”

  “The most profound effect is loss of personal control.” Doctor Thomas said. “Abused children lose their right to say no and also their sense of control in the world. They feel helpless and powerless to prevent what is and has happened to them. All three types of abuse create a sense that he or she is of little value and what this does is limit their ability to trust. They have been in the power of another person and have been let down.

  "All human beings are born expecting love which is just as important as warmth and food. If they then experience abuse they are made to feel unwanted and of no value. Some become perfectionists who strive to achieve to excess while others abandon all hope of achievement, believing that they are useless. They begin to fear others, especially the prospect of arousing anger in them. For this reason they seldom stand up for their own rights. Loneliness often results.

  "Although anger is a natural response to abuse, victims tend to turn this anger inwards, blaming themselves for their inability to stop whatever is happening to them. They often view themselves as weak and unable to exert any positive influence on their lives.

  "Abused children also try to limit intimacy and physical contact with others. They suppress their feelings and easily become indifferent to other people’s feelings and the consequences of their behaviour.

  "And finally, self abuse can also be a long-term consequence of child abuse and it can be psychological and physical. Committing crimes in the hope of being caught and punished is one extreme example of this type of abuse.

  "There are a great number of other long-term consequences of child abuse but the ones that I’ve mentioned are the most important.”

  “Thank you, Doctor.” Paul Greave said. “You may step down.”

  Paul Greave addressed Judge Bester.

  “Your Honour.” he said. “My learned colleague, Mister James Foster, would now like to continue.”

  The judge nodded.

  James Foster rose and addressed the judge.

  “Your Honour. As I said earlier, the tales of our two clients are heavily interwoven. I would therefore like to recall Miss Cindy Bedford to the witness stand.”

  “You may.” the judge said.

  I walked to the witness stand and sat down.

  “Cindy.” James Foster said, smiling at me. “Please tell the court of your three years at High School and the beginning of your working career.”

  ***

  Although I tried to erase the memory of the incident with Mister Harris in his office at the department store, the fact that it hadn’t nauseated me but had actually quite excited me in a strange way that I didn’t understand, made it very difficult to do. What also worried me was that each time I thought about the incident I felt a strange excitement in my lower body and, at the same time, I began to excrete a thin clear fluid between my legs that left the crotch of my panties quite wet. I also found myself staring at the boys at school, and especially Garth Gilmore, and trying to imagine what their penises looked like. Whenever I caught myself doing this, the same feeling of excitement that I had felt in Mister Harris’ office swelled up in me and I had to force myself to change my thoughts and hope that nobody noticed that I was blushing quite furiously.

  “How long will you be allowed to continue staying in your aunt’s house?” I asked Garth one morning as we walked to school.

  “The Child Welfare lady, Misses Phillips, has been appointed by the Court as my legal guardian and seems satisfied that I’m able to look after myself at this stage.” Garth said. “”The domestic worker still comes in once a week to dust and clean the house and wash and iron my clothes so she’s recommended to the Board of Directors that I be allowed to stay there until my aunt’s estate has been wound up. The attorneys handling the winding up have agreed to pay for the domestic worker as they are confident that the estate is solvent and there’s enough money to do this. They’ll also be paying the water and electricity accounts and the rates and taxes.”

  “Are you likely to inherit the house?” I asked.

  “Yes.” Garth replied. “And apparently there’s also quite a bit of cash as my aunt had an investment that she had been contributing for some time.”

  We walked on in silence for a while.

  “What are you going to do after you leave school at the end of the year?” Garth asked.

  “I’ve applied for a job as an assistant bookkeeper at Checkers.” I said. “I haven’t got the job yet but I’ve already been for an interview and the manager, Mister Botha, seemed quite satisfied with my school bookkeeping results. He’s going to let me know if I’ve got the job in three weeks time.”

  Garth nodded but didn’t say anything.

  “What are you going to do?” I asked.

  “It depends on what I inherit from my aunt.” Garth said. “If there’s enough cash I would like to start my own business. If not, I’ll have to find a job, especially if I inherit the house. There’ll be rates and taxes, water and electricity bills, insurance, food and the domestic to pay. I don’t really care what I do as long as it brings in enough money.”

  “Wow! Your own house at sixteen!” I said.

  Garth didn’t even smile.

  I was so excited when Mister
Botha, the manager of the Checkers store in Rosettenville, eventually ‘phoned me to tell me that my job application had been successful and that I could begin work in January of the following year. There was only one condition though: I had to pass my Grade 10 exams. I felt quite comfortable that I would graduate but nevertheless I decided to put an extra effort into my preparations for the exams, as, not only would passing my exams ensure me of a good and permanent job, it would also be a major step to getting out of my parent’s house. My salary wouldn’t be enough for me to do this immediately but the Checkers manager had promised me that if I worked diligently, a substantial increase in my salary would be forthcoming.

  Although my father no longer made any attempt to molest me sexually he continued to shout at me at every opportunity. He also refrained from assaulting me so often, although there were times when he lost his temper completely and punched me. Mostly though, he would raise his fist and then, with a great deal of self-control, lower it and walk away. My mother remained indifferent to the verbal abuse that was thrown at me by my father though. I began to realise that she was petrified of my father and in my eyes she began to get smaller and smaller. I had no sympathy for her and her predicament, just as I imagined she felt no sympathy for mine.

  I looked into the possibility of renting a small apartment but, although there were a few very tiny ones available that I could afford, the cost of furnishing it, paying for electricity and water and feeding myself made the move impossible. I resolved to be patient. The first thing that I would do when I received my first increase would be to move out of my parent’s house. What I did do though, was to beginning collecting small items such as cutlery, crockery and household utensils. I was very careful though, to hide these articles in a cardboard box under my bed as I didn’t want my parents to know of my intension to leave. I did tell them about my upcoming job though.

  “Good.” my father said. “Now you’ll be able to start paying to live in my house. You’ve lived off my generosity for long enough.”

  “How much will I have to pay?” I asked.

  “I don’t know yet.” my father replied. “Your mother and I will have to sit down and work out what you’re costing me. And, get this through your thick skull. Even though you’ll be paying to stay here, nothing will change. I’m still the head of this household and if you misbehave or get uppity, I’ll beat you to a pulp!”

  I tried not to let the importance of my exams fluster me. I swotted diligently, trying to cover everything in all my subjects and not focus on things that I hoped the examiner would ask about. I tried to imagine what questions the examiner would ask that would indicate that the students had indeed learnt their subjects. I also avoided talking to the other pupils in my class about the exams as they tended to make the exams far more important than they really were and this usually created pressure for me. I focussed on the parts of my subjects that I believed were important and glossed over what I considered to be unimportant.

  To my great relief my tactics worked and most of the questions that the examiner asked fell within the areas that I’d focussed on. When the results were published a week later I had passed all my subjects comfortably. The accounting job with Checkers was mine!

  I was glad to see that Garth Gilmore had also passed all his subjects. I knew that he had never had any difficulty with his studies and that he usually passed all his tests with the minimum of effort. Unlike all the other students who had graduated Garth showed no enthusiasm for his success. When I congratulated him on passing he simply shrugged his shoulders without even smiling.

  “So when do you start work?” he asked.

  “On the second of January.” I said. “What are you going to do?”

  “My aunt’s estate has finally been wound up and I’ve not only inherited the house, I’ve also inherited a nice sum of money.” Garth said. “So I’m going to start my own business. I don’t yet know what kind of business but I’m in no hurry. With the money I’ve now got I can afford to take some time off.”

  When I left the school to walk home that afternoon Garth was standing at the school gate.

  “Now that all this school nonsense is over I was wondering if you and I could get to know each other better.” he said. “I’ve always appreciated that you took the trouble to come to my parent’s funeral as well as my aunt’s funeral. None of my other so-called friends did. Do you think that you and I can be friends?”

  I looked at this big gangling boy in surprise. He had always been so shy and withdrawn in the presence of girls and I could see the effort that approaching me was costing him. I wondered if the fact that he was now a property owner with money had boosted his confidence.

  “That would be nice, Garth.” I said. “Starting a whole new way of life is going to be exciting and also quite daunting. It would be nice to have a friend to experience it with."

  “I hate living at home.” I said to Garth as we sat on the park bench overlooking the Wemmer Pan. We had been seeing each other occasionally for two months but Garth was still very remote and withdrawn, despite the fact that he had suggested that we become friends. I had just begun to smoke cigarettes and was beginning to regret it. Garth had been smoking for well over a year now and it was obvious that he enjoyed it. I had tried several times to stop the habit but found it more difficult than I had imagined it would, even though I smoked less than fifteen cigarettes a day.

  “The problem is that I can’t afford to leave home.” I said. “My salary’s great but it won’t cover the rent and all the other expenses that living on my own entails.”

  I had been working at Checkers for just over two months and was really enjoying the work. I had my own little office and my immediate boss, Misses Hawkins, was patient and eager to help me learn the various accounting systems. The main systems were wages, purchases, cash sales and stock levels and obviously they were all on computer. Our school had not had computers and so I had spent a lot of time in the library using their computers so as to become computer-literate. I worked from eight in the morning to four thirty in the afternoon with an hour for lunch. My main function was to collect data and enter it into the various systems. Apart from my salary I also received special staff discounts on any goods that the supermarket chain sold. I was very proud of my job and also proud that I was beginning to get my life together after the trauma that I had experienced in my earlier life.

  “I could help you.” Garth said as he stubbed out his cigarette on the edge of the wooden bench. “I can easily afford to pay the rent for a flat for you.”

  “No, thanks, Garth.” I said. “I have to pay my own way through life and I would feel indebted to you and I’m determined never to be indebted to anyone if I can possibly help it. It's been bad enough feeling indebted to my parents for so long. It’s amazing how much better I feel now that I’m paying them to stay in the house.”

  “You’re paying your parents to stay in your own home?” Garth said, looking at me incredulously. “That’s shocking! You’re their only child and they make you pay to stay with them! I think that’s a disgrace!”

  I could see just how angry Garth was becoming. I tried to pacify him.

  “It’s not that unreasonable and I’m quite happy with it.” I said. “My father doesn’t earn much at the mine where he works and besides, I don’t want to be indebted to them and I can’t leave home yet. It’s not a train smash.”

  Garth took a deep breath as he tried to calm himself. He lit another cigarette.

  “I still think it’s wrong.” Garth said. “So why don’t you come and live with me then? The house is much too big for one person.”

  I looked at Garth in astonishment.

  “Garth.” I said. “That’s crazy! We hardly know each other. We can’t simply start living together! Our relationship hasn’t progressed to living together! Also, as I said earlier, I’m determined to pay my own way through life. I’m not going to be indebted to anyone, especially so early in my adult life. And two sixteen-year-olds l
iving together is just ridiculous! What do you think I am?”

  "But this is two thousand and six!” Garth exclaimed. “Not nineteen fifty six!”

  “Forget it, Garth. I’m not coming to live with you.” I said.

  We sat on the park bench in silence. I was astonished at Garth’s proposal. It was so unemotional and clinical, as if two people who hardly knew each other and had never even held hands, could simply begin living together was quite normal. I began to wonder what Garth’s emotional level was. In the short time that I’d known him I couldn’t remember him showing any emotion besides anger. Sure, he smiled and even laughed occasionally but it always seemed as if he was only laughing with his face and not with his soul. His eyes never seemed to show any emotion.

  Although my life was progressing along the route that I had planned, I was still plagued by my anger. The anger was directed mainly at myself although at the time I didn’t realise that, nor that it stemmed from my helplessness and ignorance during the time that my father was abusing me. I constantly berated myself for not having stood up to him and refusing to be subjected to his lust. But deep down within me I knew that he was too strong and too clever for me to appose. Obviously there was the fear of making him angry which was likely to end up in my being brutally assaulted. I had no doubt that by refusing to take part in the abuse I would have suffer severely. The fear that I had been forced to live with had been very debilitating, affecting my schoolwork, my relationship with other people and my self-image. I couldn’t stop accusing myself of being cowardly and weak.

  One of my most destructive habits to come out of my abuse was my fear of making other people angry. I seemed to freeze up when confronted by an angry person, quite incapable of defending myself in any way. I realised that this fear originated from my fear of my father’s anger but, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t accept that when other people became angry I was seldom to blame and that their anger was nothing for me to fear. Anger was a weakness and, apart from my father, people were unlikely to attack me or even direct their anger at me.