Forever & an Engine (The Austin Series)

by C. J. Fallowfield

  ‘So how’d you leave it?’

  ‘I made it clear that I wasn’t into it, but he wants me to keep an open mind and not make any rash decisions when I get my results.’

  ‘Well he’s right Mia. You were determined you weren’t having sex just a couple of weeks ago and look at you now, a raging bloody nymhpo. With the right guy and the right about of time, I reckon you could change your mind on just about anything.’

  ‘Could say that about you Lex with a relationship.’

  She slapped my arm. ‘Hey, stop side tracking, we’re focussing on you for now remember? All I’m saying is if you do have fertility problems listen to your options in case you do change your mind.’

  ‘I really don’t see it happening Lex.’

  ‘Maybe not, but at least you’ve got all the options in the world open to you and then it’s your decision which one you take, no kids or kids. Fuck it’s crazy that we’re both dealing with baby issues at the same time.’

  ‘Isn’t it? I never saw that coming when we were imagining our new lives up here.’

  ‘Mia we really need to go,’ I heard Gabe shout. I smiled at her and gave her a big hug and she returned it before we went to the lounge to gather our books.

  Gabe dropped us off around the corner from the main entrance and helped us both out of the car and Lexi moved a few feet away, turning her back to give us some privacy, which made me smile.

  ‘Thanks again, I really had the best weekend,’ I whispered as I held his face and looked into the deep lagoons of his brilliant blue eyes. They were sparkling with happiness and I loved that I’d played a part in making them like that.

  ‘Best ever,’ he whispered as he kissed me tenderly and pulled me to him for a tight embrace. ‘I’ll come and meet you when you get out of History.’

  ‘It’s ok, I’ll see you in English after lunch anyway.’

  ‘I know, I just want to spend as much time as possible with you before tomorrow.’

  ‘Softie,’ I teased. We clung to each other, my face pressed into his chest, him nuzzling my hair. ‘Shit, I’m sorry Gabe, but I really need to go.’ He reluctantly released me from his embrace and I reached up pressing my fingers to his lips. ‘I love you, see you later.’ I ran to Lexi and dragged her away before I had a chance to change my mind and skip my class to spend another few hours in his arms. We just made it in time and I silenced my phone to try and focus. I went and discussed the pending absence with Mr Taylor and he agreed to have his TA make me copies of the notes for all of the lessons I’d miss. We were let out a bit before 1 p.m. and everyone started filing out and I leaned on the wall in the corridor waiting for Gabe, while Lexi went to grab a coffee.

  ‘Mia?’ I looked up. O crap it was Julie. ‘Do you have a minute?’ she asked.

  ‘Ermmm sure, I’m meeting someone though so …’

  ‘Gabe?’ she interrupted.

  ‘Yes.’ I figured there was no point lying to her, she’d already seen us together and bad as I felt for her, she needed to be clear that Gabe had moved on. She looked directly at me and I could tell she was trying to see what I had, that she didn’t. That hurt, the thought that I could ever be standing in her shoes looking at my replacement was just awful and I sighed and decided to try and be gentle, but still firm with her. ‘What can I do for you Julie?’ I asked softly.

  ‘I just need to know … shit this is harder than I thought it would be,’ she shuffled on her feet and looked down at the floor. ‘Were you with him while we were together?’

  ‘No, I promise you no, I could never do that to another woman.’

  ‘It’s just … I saw his face as he watched you at that bar on his birthday. It was instant for him, I could just tell, he never looked at me like that. He was different and distracted from that night.’

  ‘Julie I don’t recall seeing him in the bar, I was with some friends and had too much to drink. We didn’t actually meet until first day of lectures when I fainted and nothing happened between us until the Friday, when he told me it was over with you.’

  ‘Really?’ she asked, seeming surprised and relieved at the same time.

  ‘Yes I promise, I’d never go out with a guy who was already taken, I’d hate someone doing that to me. Listen I’m really sorry that it didn’t work out for you both.’

  ‘It’s not your fault Mia. I knew, deep down, I knew that I was just someone to pass the time with and fuck, I just really hoped I’d grow on him,’ she said with a sad smile. I shuddered, the thought of him touching someone else, sleeping with someone else was too painful. I knew exactly what she was feeling, as I suddenly felt sick to my core. ‘He never spent the night with me, we hardly ever went out on a date, I knew so little about him, he never talked about anything but his swimming and running. I never even got invited to his house. We were together nine months and you … you …’ she faltered.

  ‘Julie I don’t know what to say, but he told me that he really cared for you and didn’t want to hurt you.’

  ‘But I wasn’t the one was I? You are,’ she smiled at me ruefully.

  ‘I don’t know that Julie, it’s only been a couple of weeks. No one can know that.’

  ‘I do. I’ve been close to him Mia, but felt thousands of miles away from him at the same time. I’ve seen the way he looks at you though …’ she shook her head. ‘He’s right there with you Mia, it’s like nothing else, or no one else matters. He told me that he’s in love with you as well. 9 months with me, 9 months … and after a couple of weeks with you it’s love?’ she shook her head again, as I tried to work out what she was expecting to get out of this conversation. ‘Do you feel the same about him?’ she whispered after a long silence.

  ‘Julie,’ I sighed, how was this going to help?

  ‘Please, I need to know,’ she pleaded as she looked at me with watery eyes.

  ‘Yes,’ I whispered after a considered pause. What was the point lying to her, I wanted her to understand that we were serious about each other in case she had any ideas of trying to get him back.

  ‘Then don’t let him go. You never want to feel how I’m feeling Mia, there are no words for how I’m feeling right now.’ She wiped some tears away from her face and I noticed the dark circles under her eyes that she’d tried to conceal with makeup. She was obviously in still in love with him, trying desperately to let go. I felt compelled to go and hug her tightly, surprising even myself.

  ‘Thank you,’ I whispered. ‘I’m really sorry it didn’t work out for you, but thank you for being so understanding.’ As she hugged me back I heard her sob, which made me wince. Over her shoulder I saw Gabe approaching, he had a puzzled look on his face and when he realised who I was holding I saw him frown, so I quickly let her go. ‘Gabe’s coming,’ I warned.

  ‘Shit I’d better go. I’m sorry, I just had to know if you felt the same way about him. Weirdly I feel a bit better knowing you do, like he didn’t leave me for nothing or just a fling, you know?’ She attempted a smile, then ran in the opposite direction as I turned to face him striding quickly up the corridor.

  ‘What the bloody hell was that?’ he snapped. I was surprised to find that I couldn’t look at him directly, I was getting images of him with her.

  ‘We just talked things out. Everything’s fine,’ I kept my head down and looked at my fingers, fiddling with my stack rings on my right hand.

  ‘Talked what things out? Was she harassing you? I’ll tell her to back off.’

  ‘Gabe no it’s fine. She just wanted to know if you cheated on her with me.’

  ‘O for fucks sake,’ he muttered. ‘I told her I didn’t.’

  ‘I reassured her that we got together after you ended it with her.’ An image of his perfect lips on her nipples flashed in front of me, making me shudder.

  ‘What else did she say?’

  ‘She said she knew that you never loved her, but could see that you loved me. She asked if I felt the same about you.’

  And what did you tell her?’ His voice had softene
d.

  ‘I said yes,’ I mumbled as I saw his face between her legs and squeezed my eyes shut.

  ‘Do you think that made her feel better?’

  ‘She said it did. Knowing you didn’t cheat on her, or break up with her for just a fling.’ I dragged one of my trainers one back and forth across the floor, desperately trying to get rid of the images shooting through my mind.

  ‘Mia why won’t you look at me?’

  ‘No reason,’ I shrugged.

  ‘Mia?’

  ‘I just can’t for a minute Gabe.’ I shook my head to try clear my mind of these visuals. The thought of him having one night stands, with women I didn’t know, I could just about cope with, but Julie was real and present, she wasn’t just a fling or one night stand, he’d been with her for nine months, nine months. Nine whole months of regular sex. It really hurt to think he’d done it all with her, it was like nothing he’d done with me was sacred. I wondered what things he’d done with her that we hadn’t yet and that only made me feel worse.

  ‘What else did she say Mia?’

  ‘Nothing Gabe.’ The visuals were now accompanied by sound. I could hear them panting and the groan she must have made as he sank into her, his large erection stretching her, just like he did to me.

  ‘She obviously fucking did if you won’t even look at me,’ he barked and I tensed up, he’d gone back into angry mode.

  ‘Can we just go to English? I want to get there early to talk to Mr Jenkins and I really don’t want to fight.’ I turned and started walking and heard him mutter something before he strode in front of me, grabbing my shoulders.

  ‘Mia who’s fighting? I just want you to look at me and tell me what she said to upset you?’

  ‘Gabe please I can’t talk about this. Just leave it.’ I tried to move and he gripped me harder. I could hear her screaming his name as she climaxed.

  ‘No,’ he snapped.

  ‘Gabe let me go, please.’ I saw the sweat on his brow as he moaned her name.

  ‘No,’ he hissed angrily.

  ‘Gabe I mean it,’ I spat as I got the visual of his face, the face he had when he was coming with me, how he screwed it up and then relaxed it as he unloaded, how his eyes went all soft and glassy as he basked in the after effects of releasing his load.

  ‘So do I,’ he twisted me around and pinned me up against the wall and pulled my chin up to force me to look at him. I closed my eyes and bit my bottom lip.

  ‘Mia please, what’s wrong? I know something’s wrong. Talk to me.’

  ‘I can’t look at you Gabe, I’m having visuals of you fucking her and it’s too much, it just hurts too much to look at you right now.’ He released me and stepped back from me suddenly and I lowered my head and opened my eyes to look at the laces on my trainers. I felt a torrent of emotions wash through me and felt like I was about to cry.

  ‘She told you about sex? About sex with me? Mia I promise you it was nothing, nothing like I have with you.’

  ‘She didn’t say anything, other than she was just a fuck to you if that’s what you’re worried about.’ I couldn’t bear it, that soft face he had after his orgasm, I thought he was mine in that moment, that I’d done that to him and that he belonged to me. Then I realised that so did all of them, Julie and all the hundreds of other girls that had come before me, all those girls he’d fucked. I suddenly felt physically sick.

  ‘I don’t give a shit what she said Mia because it meant nothing to me,’ he snapped. ‘I care that you’re upset, because I know how I felt when Kai told me what the two of you had done.’

  ‘But that wasn’t true Gabe was it? It was all lies. I never slept with him, but you did with her, you did with all of them,’ I hissed. I didn’t want to hate him, but right now in this precise moment I did. ‘I can’t do this Gabe, leave me alone, please just leave me alone, I don’t want you near me.’ I shoved him and ran, just like Julie did, away from him. It felt like a knife twisting in my stomach, the more I tried not to think about it, the more I could see. His hands running over her body, him kissing her lips, her breasts, her ... everywhere. It was easier to ignore all of the others as they were faceless, but not her and as long as he kept swimming I was going to have to deal with her being in our lives for another three years.

  I ran down the corridors and past the door to English and found myself in the bathroom as I started to cry. I shut myself in the corner cubicle, fell to my knees and was sick in the bowl. I flushed the chain and flopped down on the floor my back against the wall, not caring about the dirt or germs as I sobbed harder and harder and tried to let it all out. I felt so angry, but more at myself for reacting this way. I knew he had a past and it wasn’t his fault, but I felt like I needed to punish him for it, to make myself feel better. Even though I knew he loved me, I wanted him to feel a bit of the pain I was suddenly feeling. Maybe if I’d had an ex I’d been sexual with I could have handled his past, but as he was my only it really suddenly stung that I wasn’t his. I pulled my knees up and buried my face in them and sat there my head spinning. I could hear my phone vibrating in my bag every couple of minutes, but I couldn’t get it. I just needed to calm down in my own time and try and let this jealousy over his previous women go. I stiffened as I heard the bathroom door open and heard his voice.

  ‘Mia, I know you’re in there, please come out,’ he said softly. I couldn’t answer, part of me couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him, it was too soon, and yet part of me just needed his arms around me to remind me that I had him now, that he was mine, not theirs anymore. ‘Mia I can hear you crying. It’s killing me, please come out.’

  ‘No, I can’t do this right now Gabe.’

  ‘Then when? The longer we leave it the harder it will be.’

  ‘I just need some time.’

  ‘I can’t give you that baby, it’s not going to help. You knew I had a past. Why are you suddenly upset about it now?’

  ‘I thought they were all just flings Gabe, but Julie … She was your girlfriend, a proper girlfriend like me. Did you groan her name like you do mine? Did you call her baby too?’ My body was wracked with a sob at the thought of it.

  ‘Mia, I really don’t want to have this conversation when I’m standing out here. Come out right now,’ he said sharply. He’d returned back to angry mode.

  ‘No,’ I bit back.

  ‘Bloody hell. You’re so fucking stubborn. Fine I’m coming in.’

  ‘You wouldn’t dare,’ but as the words left my lips I knew he would.

  ‘Try me,’ he hissed. I heard the door slam shut and saw his sneakers appear under my door.

  ‘I’m not letting you in,’ I exclaimed.

  ‘Don’t need you to,’ he laughed. I watched his converses move into the cubicle next door then vanish as the partition wall started to shake. Suddenly his feet appeared on the toilet bowl then dropped to the floor next to me. I quickly buried my face in my knees again. ‘Jesus Mia, you’re sitting on the bloody floor of a public toilet,’ he said gently and I felt his hand stroke my head.

  ‘Don’t, please don’t touch me,’ I sobbed. He stopped and I heard his phone beeping and his voice, his soft sexy voice.

  ‘Yes ... in the toilets … Pretty upset … No I don’t think that would be a good idea … Yes I will … You’ll sort everything out? ... Great thanks Lexi.’ I heard him let out a gentle sigh. ‘Mia, Lexi’s going to get everything sorted for you for this week. So right now, I don’t care what you think, or how much you protest, we’re dealing with this. Am I clear?’

  ‘Yes,’ I mumbled into my knees, I was trapped now, there was no way he was going to let me go.

  ‘Good. So I can either sit in this skanky toilet with you until you can talk to me about it, or you can let me pick you up, take you home, get you changed and you can talk to me there. Which way are we doing this Mia?’ He sounded gentle, yet forceful at the same time. I knew I needed to talk to him, to look at him, but I just couldn’t make the first move.

  ‘Ok as you won’t ans
wer I’m choosing for you, I’m going to pick you up, give you a hug and then I’m taking you home.’

  I suddenly felt his strong arms hitch under my legs and around my waist and he hoisted me up into his arms, sat back on the toilet seat and held me to him tightly. As I lay there wrapped up in his arms, my cheek against his firm chest, I inhaled his scent and the vision of him with Julie was suddenly replaced by him looking into my eyes in front of the fire at his house on Friday. I took a deep breath and tried to focus on that memory of him, of him making love to me so intently, on what I’d seen in eyes that night. He loved me now, he’d told me, shown me, so many times. I had to find a way to let this sudden burst of jealousy go.

  ‘Baby I feel like I just lost part of you,’ he whispered.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered as tilted my head up and kissed his throat. ‘I’m sorry, I love you Gabe, I love you.’ I pulled up in his arms and kissed along his jaw.

  ‘Mia no don’t,’ he sighed as he closed his eyes. I clutched his hair and started kissing him. He kept trying to resist, but I pushed my tongue into his mouth, I need to taste him, to wash away everyone else and reclaim him as mine. ‘Mia stop,’ he mumbled through mouthfuls of me. He slid his arm out from under my knees and tried to gently pull me off him, but I twisted, straddling him and pushed up close feeling his erection between my legs. I grabbed his hand and put it on my breast as I lashed at his tongue with mine. For a minute I thought I he was going to stay strong, that he was going to rip me off him, but I heard him make a low sexual growl in the back of his throat. Suddenly his fingers tightened around my breast as he pushed the other hand up my top to hold my back, his hand on my bare skin was like a strike of lightening.

  ‘I need you Gabe,’ I sighed. ‘Fuck me and get rid of these visuals I’m having, please. You tell me it’s different with me, but right now I need you to show me it’s only me you want, to let me feel that it’s only me you love,’ I begged.