My Misery Muse

by Betzold, Brei

  “I know, you preached that to me all the time,” he said and I could hear the smile in his voice. “So what do the colors mean, Devi?”

  I shrugged. “Jaks brought me back to a life of color, when it had seemed all of it had leeched out.”

  With that he lay down beside me and pulled me into his body, holding me tightly.

  “I’m sorry I hurt you baby,” he whispered against my ear.

  “I know,” Needing to get away from the past I said, “So your leaving tomorrow?” only to realize that this topic was way too close to the one I didn’t want to remember.

  Seth let out a long sigh. “Yea.”

  I rolled over in his arms so I could see his eyes. “Do you want me and Jaks to come out and see you while you’re on tour?”

  He avoided my eyes. “I don’t know Devi, we’re going to be busy, we’re hopping from one city to the next without much of a break,” he said. “It’s normal for the final leg of a long tour, everyone wants to get it done so they can get home.”

  I nodded. “Ok, then later in LA?” I asked needing to know.

  He looked away. “I don’t know,” he said softly.

  Neither one of us said another word, I buried closer to his chest, closing my eyes and relishing the feel of his arms around me. He held me even tighter, as if he couldn’t get close enough either. I eventually found sleep, but it wasn’t a restful sleep.

  The next morning, Seth ate breakfast with Jaks and me. Then he had to head to Xavier’s where they were all meeting to go to the airport, to fly off to Denver where they were joining the tour. Neither of us spoke to each other, both focusing on Jaks, I don’t think either of us knew what to say to the other.

  After breakfast Seth pulled Jaks in for a tight hug kissing the top of his head. “Be good for Mommy, I love you,” he said kissing Jaks again then setting him down. I had to fight back the tears, which were burning behind my eyes.

  He walked over to me pulling me into a hug, crushing me against his chest; I felt his lips brush my forehead. “Bye Devi,” he whispered then brushed a soft kiss across my lips, turned and walked out the door.

  I watched him get in his car and drive away and whispered, “Goodbye, Seth.” I knew I wouldn’t see him again and I let the tears fall.

  I pulled myself together a minute later and gave my son a watery smile. “Let’s get ready for school, buddy.” My heart might be broken, but I had to keep it together for Jaks.

  I walked into work and instantly felt Cris’s eyes on me. I didn’t really feel up to working today, but I had appointments scheduled. “Hey,” I said walking to my station to check out my schedule for the day.

  “Hey,” he said back softly, “you ok?”

  I shrugged, my back still facing him, “Yea, I guess.”

  “You’re lying, Dev.”

  “What do you want me to say Cris?” I asked. “You want me to tell you that I’m barely holding on here? That the only reason I am is because I have Jaks to take care of? That it hurt more this time than it did the last? That just once I wish he chose me over his music? Is that what you want to hear?” I was yelling the last part; I couldn’t stop the floodgate of tears that finally broke.

  Cris stood up and walked towards me, then wrapped his arms around me. “If it’s the truth, then yes, Dev that’s what I want to hear,” he murmured while holding me, letting me cry out my grief and pain. After the sobs finally subsided he loosened his hold on me and took a step back so he could see my face. “You know I’m here right, as your friend?”

  I nodded and pulled away from him, I wiped the tears from my face. “I need to get ready for my first client.”

  “You don’t have to Devi, if you want to go home—”

  “No, I need to be here Cris,” I said cutting him off.

  He nodded then went to his own station to get ready for the day.

  I went through the day, working on my clients, trying to ignore the voices in my head telling me it’s for the best, he’d only resent you. Worst of all was wanting to go after him, but I couldn’t, he made his decision. So I took solace in my work, I loved the feel of my tattoo gun, the loud humming that is distinctive to my work, wiping off excess ink. And when finished to see the smile on my clients face after sitting hours in my chair grimacing from pain and discomfort. In the end it was worth it, you walked away with a piece of art on your body, something that means enough to you to endure the pain and discomfort. So I fell into work and ignored the voices, ignored the ache in my heart, and the feeling that the part of my soul that had been missing and came back shortly was once again ripped away from me.

  ¯¯¯

  We had been on tour for three weeks now, and I felt empty, I was in a foul mood and I knew it, I just didn’t care. The guys stayed away from me for the most part, giving me time, but I knew it wouldn’t fix it, it didn’t fix it last time. I just buried it down deep and ignored it. I didn’t know if I could do it again, or if I even wanted to.

  “So it’s healed?” Sam said pulling me once again out of my dark thoughts.

  “Huh?”

  Sam nodded towards my bare chest, and the tattoo Devi had marked me with. I ran my fingers over it then pulled a shirt on. “Yea I guess.”

  “I can’t believe how talented she is,” remarked Xavier.

  I didn’t know why we were talking about this, no one ever brought up Devi in front of me, especially not in the close confines of our tour bus.

  “Why?” asked Eli. “She was always artistically gifted.”

  He shrugged. “I just remember her always drawing one thing or another, not if it was any good.”

  I nodded and smiled she always had a sketch tablet with her and pencils, most girls carried makeup in their purses, not Devi.

  “She was always talented,” Sam said.

  Eli grinned, “I think she does her best work on human flesh though.”

  “Yea, I saw what she did on your sister, god that was something else,” I said.

  Eli nodded, “Yea I was even blown away with that, but I think your piece is the best of hers I’ve seen.”

  “Yea that’s what Cris said too,” I murmured, I had offered to let her take pictures for her book, but she said she didn’t need them, I let it drop.

  “Have you called her?” Sam asked.

  I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair giving it a good yank. “No.”

  “Why not?” he asked.

  “Nothing to say,” I said. “She doesn’t want to hear from me.”

  Sam glanced at Eli. “What?” I growled.

  “Nothing, man,” Sam said.

  “Then what was that look you just threw at Eli?”

  “She’s just been asking about you, that’s all,” Eli said quietly.

  “You’ve been talking to her!” I yelled.

  “Well, yea she’s like my second little sister. I call in and check on her and Jaks,” Eli said.

  “Whatever, I’m going to crash,” I snarled.

  I stormed to the back of the bus where we have bunks set up for us to sleep; I jumped into the top bunk which I had claimed when we got the bus. I stared at the wall lining the bunk and looked at the various pictures I had put up, the newest were some of Jaks, some of Devi, some of the three of us, and my favorite of all, the one of her holding him the one I had her tattoo on my chest. I plucked that one from its space and ran my fingers across her face, across the bundle she held.

  “You need to figure this shit out man,” Sam said.

  “Why didn’t anyone tell me he’s been calling her?” I asked.

  Sam sighed. “As far as I know he’s talked to her like twice, and no one told you because if anyone mentions her or anyone else back in Dallas you go ballistic. You need to figure out what you want and go get it, before it’s too late.”

  “I know what I want, I just can’t have it,” I said quietly.

  “Then your fucked, man,” Sam said then turned and walked back to the front of the bus.

  Our next show wa
s in Oklahoma City, we pulled up to amphitheater and everyone crawled off the bus, relieved to be standing on ground that didn’t move. I glanced around and yep, it still looked like OKC since the last time we came through here. I shrugged and took off for a walk to get the kinks out. When I showed back up at the bus to get our itinerary for the day I had a big surprise waiting for me. I came around the corner of the bus towards the doors and was waylaid with what felt like a cinder block across my mouth. I fell to the ground and grabbed my jaw and noticed my mouth was bleeding, I wiped it off and looked up, there stood a very big, very pissed off Drake.

  “Can I get up now?” I asked feeling like my head was going to explode.

  He shrugged. “Sure, I did what I needed to do.”

  I nodded and started to get up and he stuck a hand out to pull me up, I grabbed it and almost fell back down.

  “Fuck that hurt.”

  “I warned you, you hurt her again and I was going to hurt you,” Drake said.

  “I know, I have a few more coming from other people too.”

  Drake laughed. “Yea, but I told everyone else I had first dibs, and no one can hit you more than once a night.”

  “Gee thanks,” I muttered.

  He shrugged. “Can’t have that pretty face too beat up while you’re on tour,” he said. “Oh and if I were you I would watch out for Eli, now that I’ve had mine in, he will be gunning for you.”

  “Great.”

  Drake walked off and started talking to Sam. Eli walked up and grinned, “He finally got you?”

  I nodded.

  “Sweet, that means I’m next.”

  I nodded again. “Just please give me a few hours, that son of a bitch can hit.”

  Eli laughed, “That’s why he went first, none of us were going to fight him for that right.”

  “I can definitely understand that,” I murmured then we took off to get ready for the show.

  Chapter Twenty Three

  “You hit him?” I shrieked.

  “Well yea,” Drake said completely unashamed by the fact he had walked over to Seth and had punched him.

  “Why?”

  “I warned him if he hurt you again, then I would hurt him, so I punched him,” Drake smiled, “Knocked him right on his ass, too.”

  I threw my hands up. “Men,” I muttered.

  Mags was laughing at this like it was the most hilarious thing in the world.

  “Hell, it’s been a couple of days, Eli’s probably punched him by now too,” Drake said, as if that would help his case.

  This caused Mags to laugh so hard she fell off the couch.

  “I will never understand men,” I grumbled.

  I glared at Mags who was now lying on my floor holding her sides and gasping for breath. “You are so not helping,” I growled at her.

  “I’m” gasp “sorry” gasp “but I would” gasp “have loved” gasp “to see his” gasp “face.”

  I laughed at this, “Ok that would have been priceless,” I said, “but did you have to hit him?”

  “Yea,” he said.

  “Why?”

  “Cause I said I would,” Drake said.

  This caused more peals of hysterical laughter from Mags.

  I shook my head at both of them, and left the room to get a drink, I needed it.

  When I came back Mags was sorta back to herself sitting on my couch still chuckling, “Honey, it’s the way of southern men.”

  Again,I shook my head, “I still just don’t get men.”

  “Honey, that’s a blessing,” Mags said.

  I nodded in agreement.

  “Are you mad at me?” Drake asked, but I could tell by the look on his face he didn’t really care if I was or not.

  “I don’t know what I am,” I said truthfully.

  Weeks passed, most blurring together. Seth never called, I never called him and my life started to get back close to normal.

  I spent my days at the shop, my evenings with Jaks, and hung out with friends. Cris and I had grown close again, but he never asked me to marry him again, for which I was grateful. He seemed to realize I just didn’t feel that way about him, and he started dating a girl he seemed to really like. Drake and Mags had attempted a date, finally. But from what I got from both of them was that it was a miracle there was no bloodshed, but that was normal for the two of them. Everyone seemed to be dating, having a life, except me. This is why when another artist that was sitting in for Max who had taken off to hang out with Sam on the road asked me out I accepted.

  He was hot, funny and from the same art world I was. Conversation was easy with him, and he didn’t seem to mind that I was a single mother. I tried, I mean really tried to see if it could go somewhere, which is why the first date turned into the second and on and on, before I knew it we had been dating for three months. Jason had been brought on to the shop full time. We needed the help, and he was a terrific artist, and he wanted to get serious with me. We had fooled around, kissed, some heavy petting but I would always stop before anything else happened. I hadn’t ever been with anyone but Seth, but Seth had left me for his music again, was I really going to wait around for him forever?

  I had finally decided to let go of my past, to move on with my life, to let go of Seth, which was harder than I thought it would be. Looking into Jaks’ grass green eyes so much like his father’s was a constant reminder of what I once had, but I had to let it go. So I decided the best way I could do that was to have sex with Jason. Mags encouraged this also she said it was time to move on. So one night I dressed up in a slinky dress, got a baby sitter for the night and did it. The next morning after Jason left I sat in the shower crying for what felt like hours. I knew I had nothing to feel guilty about, but it still hurt, I broke things off with Jason a few days later. Time continued to pass, and I continued my life as best I could, but it felt as if a part of me was gone, and I didn’t know how to get it back.

  ¯¯¯

  I walked into Sam’s condo slamming the door. “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!” I bellowed. Throwing the tabloid I had spotted while at the grocery store at Sam and Eli who were sitting on his couch.

  “What the fuck are you….oh fuck,” Sam said staring at the paper.

  “Shit,” Eli muttered when he saw the picture.

  “What the fuck are they doing taking pictures of my kid and Devi?” I bit out.

  “I… fuck… Seth,” Sam said.

  “Have you read this?” Eli asked.

  “No, the fucking picture was enough for me,” I growled.

  “What’s it say?” asked Sam.

  “We’ve discovered bassist for My Misery Muse, Seth Taylor has recently found out he’s a father. A woman, he had a brief affair with, Devlin Porter has claimed that her son, Jackson Seth Porter is the almost 3 year old son of Seth Taylor. Our source says, she recently contacted Seth Taylor demanding payment in order for her to keep quiet, until that point the boy was unknown to his supposed father. The recent disinherited heiress, a tattoo artist in Dallas, Texas has demanded an undisclosed amount of money, along with demanding her cousin Eli Porter a place in the band as the new drummer. Weeks ago, the band had named Eli Porter to replace one Alex Chonca who has supposedly developed a drug problem,” Eli read.

  “Enough,” I snarled.

  “This is a god damn nightmare,” Sam said pushing his fingers through his hair.

  “Who would she tell, who would go to the press?” I asked.

  “You think she had something to do with this?” Eli asked incredulously.

  “No,” Sam said. “I can’t see Devi doing this but she may have told someone Jaks was Seth’s kid and they would.”

  I nodded while Eli shook his head.

  “She never told people who Jaks’ father is, I can name the people who knew, Mags, Drake, Max, Cris, Cin and me,” Eli said. “Hell, I don’t think she even admitted to her parents that you’re his father, when someone asked she would say immaculate conception, and play it off as a joke but she never told.”


  “Why not, could’ve made her some money to sell her story?” I growled.

  “She didn’t need the damn money, and she wouldn’t have done that to Jaks or you,” Eli snarled. “She was always worried someone would find out and tell you. She wanted to tell you, she didn’t want you to hear from someone else. “

  “Plus, whoever their source is lied. Anyone who knows anything about the situation knows Devi didn’t seek you out for your money. And your ‘affair’ wasn’t god damn brief unless you call three years brief,” Sam said.