My Misery Muse

by Betzold, Brei

  “So it’s either you walk away from them, again, or everyone thinks my sister is a whore?” Drake asked.

  I shrugged looking down at my boots. “I don’t know what to do,” I said quietly.

  “Have you talked to Devi about this?” Sam asked. “What does she want?”

  “No, I haven’t told her.”

  “Have you told her we're leaving in a week?” Sam asked.

  “Yea, I told her earlier,” I whispered. The look in her eyes when I told her would haunt me, she looked broken, beaten and I had caused it, again.

  I let out a slow breath not sure what I was going to do, I didn’t think I could walk away from them again, but could I walk away from my music?

  Chapter Twenty One

  I spent Sunday hanging out, playing with Jaks, cleaning my house and updating my portfolio, it seemed odd; this was how my days were spent before Seth had come back. Now when I didn’t have the sound of him laughing and playing with Jaks, strumming on an instrument, singing to Jaks, it felt strange how my life had easily shuffled Seth into the mix without even trying, and it felt even stranger when he wasn’t here. I knew there was something bothering him, and I knew he wouldn’t tell me until he was ready, but a piece of me knew this was all going to end soon and I tried my damnedest not to think about it. I couldn’t face it yet.

  Later that evening Mags, Cin and Jules showed for margarita night. I needed the distraction; my thoughts kept running away from me showing me worse and worse scenarios behind Seth’s recent distance and what he wasn’t saying.

  We sat out on the back patio, ate fajitas I had cooked on the grill, and drank pitchers of margaritas; it was a good evening. No one asked what was wrong, we didn’t discuss the band leaving; we stuck to safe topics, until Cin ruined the first peace I had had in weeks.

  “So what do you think they will do about the label?” she asked.

  I looked at her blankly, who do what about the label?

  “Huh?” said Mags.

  “Oh come on, you know the argument they are having with the label, something about no scandals since the whole Alex fiasco. The label is afraid any more drama from them will cause them to lose a fan base,” she said going on without noticing all of the blank looks on our faces. “Eli told me they were concerned about a fall out if Seth went public.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” Mags said.

  “You seriously didn’t know?” she said finally cluing in then she slapped her hand over her mouth. “Oh, shit.”

  “What’s going on Cin?” Mags growled, but I had already figured it out.

  “The label doesn’t want Seth acknowledging Jaks,” I whispered.

  Mags looked even more confused, “Why not, how does it affect them?” I watched her face as it dawned on her, “Fuck.”

  “You really didn’t know, Dev?” Cin asked.

  I shook my head; this is what Seth had been keeping from me. I could see it clearly now, his conversation with Ray at the after party, he was so angry, then him slowly beginning to distance himself. He was told he could either have us or his music, and he’d chosen his music.

  Tears began falling down my face and Mags came over and wrapped her arms around me. “Honey you don’t know anything yet, talk to Seth.”

  But I could see she knew the same thing I had, he’d chosen his music again, although to be fair I had pushed him out the door to pursue his music the first time. I took a deep breath and tried to get myself together. “Mags, can you take Jaks home with you tonight? I need to talk to Seth.” Mags nodded her head, “Yea honey, I’ll watch Jaks.”

  Shortly later everyone headed home, Mags taking Jaks with her; I pulled my cell out of my pocket and called Seth.

  “Hey, we need to talk,” I said.

  “Ok, whatcha need?”

  “In person, Seth.”

  He was quiet for a moment. “Alright Devi, I’ll be at your place in an hour or so.”

  “Ok, I’ll be here,” with that I hit the end button, slumped down into my couch wondering what the hell I was going to do now.

  Seth walked in the door 45 minutes later; he looked at me where I still sat slumped on the couch.

  “You know,” he said softly.

  I looked up and glared at him, “Yea I know.”

  “I’m sorry Devi, I wanted to tell you, to talk to you about it but I didn’t know how.”

  “How about you just come out and say the label is making you choose between your kid and your work?” I growled out.

  He flinched. “I don’t know what I am going to do yet, Devi.”

  “Yes you do, you’ve known since you talked to that record label rep. You knew and you didn’t say a god damn word,” I yelled at him.

  “It wasn’t like that Devi, I wanted to talk to the guys about it first. I wanted to see what they’re take on the situation was,” he ground out.

  “Oh of course, go talk to them but you couldn’t let me know what was going on!” I yelled. “This affects me too.”

  “I know it does Devi!” he yelled back. “God, don’t you think I realize that this affects you, that it affects Jaks?!”

  “They why didn’t you fucking say something!” I screamed at him.

  “Because I couldn’t handle you looking at me and telling me to leave again; I couldn’t stand the idea of you looking me in the eyes and telling me to go pursue my dreams, when I knew I would be leaving those dreams behind,” he finished softly.

  “What do you want me to say Seth, to stay, forget all you’ve worked for, forget all the people who are counting on you, for me to beg you to stay with us?” I whispered, wanting to do just that but knowing I couldn’t, that if I did and he stayed one day he would end up resenting me for it.

  “I don’t know what I want you to fucking say!” he yelled. “I want it all, I want you and Jaks to be my family, I want my goddamn career, but I can’t have it all, and I don’t know what to do about that.”

  I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. “I don’t either, Seth,” I said softly.

  Seth came and flopped down beside me, leaning back deeply into the couch and threw his arm over his eyes. “What do we do now, Devi?”

  “We spend what time we can together while you’re still here, and we let the rest work itself out. I don’t know what else to do,” I said defeated.

  ¯¯¯

  “So where’s Jaks?” I asked.

  “Mags took him home with her, so we could talk,” Devi said.

  I nodded glad that Jaks wasn’t here to see us yelling at each other. I reached over and laced my fingers through hers. “I love you, you know?” I said softly.

  “Yea I know, I love you too Seth,” she whispered back.

  She sat there curled up on the couch looking so small, vulnerable and sad. I didn’t know what to do to make this better, I did love her and I loved Jaks, and I knew even if I left the band we would still have to deal with the media fall out, only worse. I didn’t want to leave the band and my music, but I would. Nothing I could do would protect them except my leaving, it would keep them out of the media, but while I was still here I would do as Devi said make the most of it.

  “I want you to give me another tattoo.”

  She jerked up and gave me a shocked look, and then a sly grin started to form across her gorgeous lips. “Really?”

  I nodded.

  “Do you know what you want?” she asked getting up from the couch.

  “Kinda,” I said. “Where are you going?”

  She threw a glance over her shoulder, “Getting my sketching stuff, be right back.”

  I laughed; she always loved designing new tattoos.

  She flopped back down with a sketch pad and pencils. “So what do you want?”

  I thought back to the picture in her journal, the one of her holding Jaks after he was born, she was all sweaty but beautiful, staring down in Jaks’ little face. “How are you at portraits?” I asked already knowing the answer.

  She shrugged, “O
k, I guess.”

  I knew she was better than ok, I had already seen some of her portrait work. I got up went to my messenger bag I had dropped at the door and pulled out her journal. I flipped through it to find the picture I wanted then handed it to her.

  She looked up at me with a sad smile, “Where do you want it, Seth?”

  “I want it over my heart,” I said, “and I want some words wrapped around it kinda like a picture frame.”

  She nodded, “I can do that, anything else?”

  “Not that I can think of.”

  “Alright, write down the lyrics for me,” she said tossing me a notebook from nearby, “and I’ll get started sketching out some ideas.”

  I nodded, grabbing a pen from my bag and writing down the lyrics I wanted.

  “When can we do it?” I asked.

  She shrugged, “I can check my appointment book and see what’s available, if I don’t have anything we can go in early to the shop and do it, or stay late after my appointments, but we’ll get it done before you go,” she said softly.

  I finished writing down the lyrics to a song I had written before I had left the first time and handed them to her. She took them and read them over biting her lip, she nodded then went back to work.

  An hour later, I sat on the couch playing my bass, every now and then I would glance over to see Devi still engrossed in her sketching. She looked so serious, with twin lines between her eyes while she concentrated.

  “Take off your shirt.”

  “Huh?” I said confused.

  “Take off your shirt,” she said, then started impatiently pulling the hem up.

  “Ok, hold on a sec,” I said putting my bass down then pulling the shirt over my head and dropping it on the floor. As soon as the shirt hit the floor she was crawling into my lap straddling me. I felt her heat brush against my cock, and I started to thicken, she apparently didn’t notice. She held the sketch up to my chest to check placement.

  “Perfect fit,” she murmured then started to wiggle to get off my lap.

  “Devi,” I groaned as she wiggled against me again.

  “Hmm,” she said as she still continued to wriggle around on top of me trying to get off my lap.

  “Devi, stop,” I gritted out.

  She stopped and looked at me looking confused, and then she finally felt what she was doing to me. “Sorry,” she muttered then slid off my lap.

  I bit back a curse, “You done?”

  She nodded, glancing down to where my cock was standing at attention.

  “Can I see?” I bit out, wanting to redirect her stare.

  “Oh, yea here,” she said looking flustered, she handed me the sketch.

  I looked at the sketch and was once again blown away with her talent. It looked like an aged photo slightly wrinkled in places as if it was pulled out and looked at often but the picture still clear. The picture of Devi holding Jaks I had fallen in love with, it was focused on them but you could still see some of the background. Around it looked like old parchment burned in some places, there were the lyrics I had written out for her earlier in a scrolling script. The same words I had written for Devi many years before.

  “Do you like it?” she asked quietly.

  I nodded, unable to find the words on what this meant to me.

  She brushed tears from her face, “Alright, since Mags is taking Jaks to school tomorrow, why don’t we go in early and get it done, then?”

  “Yea, that works for me.”

  She wiped her eyes. “Ok, now let’s go and fix this,” as she brushed her hand across my hard cock.

  I groaned, put the sketch down and threw her over my shoulders, “Yes, let’s.”

  The next morning we got up early. Devi put on her normal work attire of short skirt, Pin’s Ink tank top, fish net thigh highs and for a change a pair of Mary Jane’s that had butterfly wings with a skull in the middle. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her; she expertly put on her make-up and was ready in no time at all.

  We got to the shop around 9 so she could get the tattoo done before her first scheduled client at noon. When we got there the building was empty so she took out her key and unlocked it, and then led me through to her station. She smiled at me then took off to get the stencil ready. I looked around at the photos she had around her station, and noticed a new one of Jaks, Devi, and me. It was taken a week ago at Xavier’s; I had the same picture in the case of my favorite bass.

  When she had the stencil ready, she had me sit and placed it on my chest over my heart. “What do you think?” she murmured taking me to look at it in a full sized mirror.

  I nodded. “Looks good.”

  “Alright, I was thinking black and grey for the photo, then an aged yellow,” she said heading back to her station.

  “Yea, that sounds good.”

  She got out what she needed, filled the caps with the ink she would need, then sat down. She pushed the pedal on her machine a couple of times making sure her gun was working the way she wanted. Then looked up at me, “You sure?”

  “Yea, baby I’m sure.”

  She looked me in the eye for another moment then nodded. “Ok.”She dipped the needle into the ink and started on my new tattoo.

  Two hours later Devi set down her gun, and finished wiping off the excess ink and blood. “You ready to take a look?”

  “Hell yea, I’m ready,” I said then got out of the chair and stretched my sore muscles. I walked over to the mirror and couldn’t breathe. “It’s… damn… Devi, it’s perfect,” I said choked with emotion.

  She nodded. “I’m glad you like it.”

  “I love it,” I said then grabbed her by the waist and kissed her. “Thank you,” I murmured against her lips.

  “You’re welcome,” she whispered then kissed me again. “Come on, let’s get that bandaged up.”

  I walked back to her station, still in awe of the tattoo she’d given me.

  “Let’s see,” Cris said walking out of the office.

  I showed him my knew ink and he whistled, “I think this may be your best yet, Dev.”

  Devi shrugged.

  “Did you get pictures taken yet?” he asked.

  She shook her head. “I’ll do it later,” she said quietly then patted the chair for me to sit so she could get to work bandaging up the tattoo.

  Fifteen minutes later I left a quiet Devi, with a lot on my mind and a lot of things to get through during the next week before I left. I knew I was still hiding things from her, trying to protect her, and Devi would never want me to protect her. I let her believe it was an ultimatum between her and my music, if it was that simple then I would stay with her and Jaks. But it wasn’t that simple, and I couldn’t bring the media storm down on her. I couldn’t jeopardize her career, and I would not put my son in a place where later he would be teased and ridiculed. So I let her believe that I had chosen my career over them, it would be easier on her in the end.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Seth and I lay together getting our breath back and enjoying the post orgasmic bliss. He was softly running his fingers along the branches of the cherry blossom tree tattoo that covered my back.

  “This is beautiful, Devi,” Seth whispered. “I remember you working on it when I left.”

  “Yea,” I said enjoying his fingers slip across my skin, “but I made some changes since you last saw it.”

  “I noticed, what are the pictures in the trunk?”

  I smiled faintly. “The one towards the bottom is a picture of Jaks and me the day I brought him home from the hospital, it’s of me and him in the rocking chair in his room.”

  “Is the one in the middle the same as the tattoo you gave me?”

  “Yea,” I said softly. I felt his lips brush over that part of my tattoo. “Towards the top of the trunk is Jaks’ name.”

  “It’s perfect,” he whispered against my skin. “You were always coming up with new ideas to put in the trunk, but this is perfect.”

  “I thought so, I also dec
ided to have the trunk done in black and grey instead of color,” I said, “the only color I wanted was the blossoms.”

  He chuckled. “Knowing you, there’s a reason for it.”

  I shrugged. “I believe if you’re going to put something on your body that’s permanent, it better have meaning.”