Reclaiming the Sand

by A. Meredith Walters

  I saw several people look at each other and start to whisper. I felt my face start to burn. If they teased him, I’d lose my shit.

  “I’m going to make a tree,” Flynn said flatly. The art professor hurried to turn on the projector that was aimed at the metal Flynn was twisting and forming with his hands and asked a student to dim the lights.

  “Notice the techniques Mr. Hendrick is using. He has perfected the use of assembling. He takes materials and joins them together to create a sculpture. Assembling is a complicated and additive process. It is precise and detailed,” the professor droned on as Flynn’s fingers moved quickly and with a confidence he hadn’t possessed before.

  “Do you know him?” Kara whispered. I was mesmerized as I watched Flynn work. I held my breath as he pulled out a soldering iron and started melding the pieces together.

  “Yeah,” I answered shortly. It had been on the tip of my tongue to deny our relationship. Old habits die hard, I supposed. But I was proud to know Flynn. I wasn’t ashamed to admit it.

  “I figured. We’d been sitting her for fifteen minutes waiting for him to say something. He freaked out on the professor when he asked him a question. But then you came in and he was honkey dory,” Kara observed.

  I didn’t respond to that. I didn’t know her well enough to share anything.

  “He’s different isn’t he? I have a cousin with autism. He sort of acts like that. My cousin is a whiz at math. He can solve these crazy complicated problems in his head. Without paper or a calculator or anything. It’s nuts.”

  She nodded her head toward Flynn as he twisted and molded the metal. I could see the tree it was slowly becoming. Everyone in the room was as enraptured by his talent as I was. They had forgotten about his strange start.

  His art erased that.

  “He reminds me of my cousin. I mean not as severe or anything. But the mannerisms and stuff. He’s pretty amazing though. Look at that tree. I could never do that.”

  And just like that, this strange girl with her weirdly spiky hair, summarized and accepted the parts of Flynn it had taken me seven years to be okay with. She made me feel small and unbelievably stupid.

  Because she was right. Flynn was pretty amazing.

  “He’s my boyfriend,” I found myself saying. I was admitting it. Owning it. Just like Flynn was starting to own me.

  “Cool,” Kara said, smiling. And I knew she meant it.

  “Yeah, it is,” I smiled in return before turning back to Flynn. He had finished the tree and placed it on the table. There was a collective murmur of appreciation. The professor picked it up.

  “This is fantastic! Look at the details. Look at the complexity!” he was saying. I watched Flynn, who didn’t seem to be hearing the enthusiastic praise.

  He lifted his head and swept his dark hair out of his face. His eyes flitted around the room until he saw me.

  And he grinned. His heart in his eyes.

  He was more than amazing.

  He was everything.

  -Ellie-

  “Where are you going? Can I come?” Flynn asked me. I had just gotten out of the shower and was getting ready. He had gotten dressed while I was in the bathroom and was standing in the doorway wearing his slightly wrinkled khakis and button down shirt.

  I had spent the night with Flynn. There had been no sex involved. We had simply slept together in the same bed.

  Flynn had held my hand all night and that had felt better than any sex.

  And now I was rushing to get ready so I could head into town to Mr. Cox’s office.

  “I told you, Flynn. It’s just a review hearing. I shouldn’t be more than an hour.” I started to brush out my hair. It had gotten really long. It was now down past the middle of my back. I had never allowed it reach this length before. Taking care of my appearance had never ranked very high on my list of priorities.

  But now, I wanted to look nice. I wanted to look pretty. Because it made me happy to feel good about myself.

  Flynn fiddled with the buttons on his sleeves. He was chewing on his bottom lip and I wondered what I had done to distress him.

  “What is it, Flynn?” I asked. I was learning that being direct was the best approach to handling Flynn. Sometimes he’d answer me straight away. Other times he’d get angry and there would be some flipping out involved.

  But either way it usually gave me the answers I needed.

  “I just want to go with you. I don’t like it when you leave,” he said. Even though his tone was emotionless as ever, it was his eyes that told me everything. And his eyes were unhappy.

  I walked across the room and kissed him softly. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair but there were still times when touching him too much was not okay. He would still tense up and pull away and I struggled with an irrational sense of rejection because of it.

  While I accepted him and cared about him for who he was, it didn’t change the difficulties that were involved with being with someone like Flynn. And I was sure Flynn faced his own difficulties by being with me.

  We were a messed up, complicated pair. But somehow, together, we worked.

  “I don’t like leaving you either. How about you meet me at Ma’s Diner at noon. We can get lunch and then you can come with me over to campus for my meeting,” I suggested, pulling back before he was able to.

  Flynn released his bottom lip but still wouldn’t look directly at me. “You’re going to apply for college?” he asked, his face brightening a little.

  This had been an ongoing discussion. Flynn had latched onto my applying for school like Murphy with his squeaky toy. He was emphatic that I should do it.

  That it would make me happy.

  Everything always came back to that. What made me happy. And to Flynn that was the most important thing.

  I was terrified to commit to something like that. I didn’t know if I was ready for that significant of a step.

  But the longer I stayed in Wellsburg, the harder it was to pretend I was content with where my life was headed.

  I was happy with Flynn. I was happy with taking a few college courses. But both had opened my eyes to what else I could do. What else I could be. And that was a tempting image.

  I would never have been able to dream of it without Flynn. He had been to college. He had left Wellsburg. For someone so isolated and disconnected, he had experienced more than I ever had.

  My eyes fell to the guitar case propped up against the wall in the corner of Flynn’s bedroom. I kept it here because he liked me to play for him. I had purchased a few second hand music books at the consignment shop in town and was attempting to teach myself a few new chords. No matter how horrible I sounded, Flynn always clapped. Even if he was brutally honest and would tell me if I sucked.

  That was what being in a healthy relationship was. Cheering someone on even when their efforts blew huge monkey balls.

  And that’s what he was doing now. He’d tell me if I fucked up. But he’d encourage me anyway.

  “I have a meeting with the head of the Continued Education Planning Department. She’s going to help me do some applications online and see where that goes. You know if I’m doing this, you should see if Professor Channing is around. Maybe talk with him about doing some more workshops,” I suggested.

  Flynn’s jaw started to tick and his teeth captured his bottom lip again. I knew my words had him stressed.

  Professor Channing, the art teacher who had coordinated Flynn’s earlier workshop, had approached him about accepting a part-time teaching position at the school. When I had agreed with the professor, saying it was a good idea, Flynn had gotten almost violently angry. He had thrown things and screamed at me.

  And it wasn’t until he calmed down and called Kevin, his therapist in Greensboro, that he was able to say he couldn’t do it. That he hated people staring at him.

  “But they think you’re awesome, Flynn!” I had argued. But that didn’t matter. He didn’t want people staring at him all the time. It made him f
eel anxious.

  But that didn’t stop me from delicately pushing the topic whenever I felt it safe to do so. The conversations hadn’t gone too well but he was encouraging me to take some pretty huge leaps of faith in my life. I felt it only right to return the favor.

  “Maybe,” Flynn mumbled and I tilted my head, angling my ear closer.

  “What was that? Did I just hear a maybe?” I asked, smiling.

  Flynn didn’t grin like I would have liked him too. His face remained solemn.

  “Yes. I said maybe,” he replied, turning away from me. I wanted to jump up and down and clap my hands with glee. Well if I was the jumping up and down and clapping my hands sort of person.

  “I can live with a maybe,” I said, kissing him again before going back to get ready.

  Murphy came padding into the bedroom and nudged my hand with his head. I laughed and scratched behind his ears, feeling happy despite my impending hearing. It was unbelievable how a word like maybe could make me ready to take on anything.

  “Not now, boy, I’ve got somewhere to be. Maybe Flynn will play catch with you while I’m out,” I said pointedly. Flynn’s head was still hung low but I saw him visibly relax when Murphy decided to turn his attention to his owner. Flynn’s entire face would light up when Murphy was around. The connection between the two was awesome to see.

  I finished my hair, opting to tie it back in a low, no nonsense ponytail. Experience had taught me that the judge looked on you more favorably if you were dressed nicely.

  I could have cringed when I remembered my behavior the first time I had appeared before a judge when I was sixteen. Julie had brought me a nice pair of pants and a pretty pink blouse but I had refused to wear it.

  I had been hurting and angry. I didn’t understand at the time that my guilt had been disguised as rage. I had been belligerent and rude, so it was no wonder the judge had been harsh in doling out my punishment.

  It was a good thing I had learned at least one lesson from that horrible situation.

  I smoothed down my black trousers, tucking in my sky blue top. It wasn’t a particularly cute outfit. I had picked it up on clearance from JCPennys. But it looked a hell of a lot better than the hoochie shorts and halter top that I had been wearing the first time I had been hauled into court.

  “You look pretty, Ellie,” Flynn said.

  “Thank you, Flynn,” I responded, turning around to find him rubbing Murphy.

  I picked up my crappy, WalMart special purse and slung it over my shoulder. I crossed the room back to where Flynn was standing, looking adorably miserable.

  “Stop looking like that, baby. You don’t want to go sit in a stuffy courtroom while a judge scolds me like a two year old,” I reasoned.

  Flynn started grinning. His eyes sparkled and I couldn’t understand what brought on this sudden change in mood.

  “What?”

  Flynn’s eyes met mine timidly. “You called me baby. I liked it.”

  Oh.

  “Can I touch you?” I asked him.

  He nodded.

  I wrapped my hand around the back of his neck and gently tugged him forward.

  “I’m glad you liked it, baby,” I said before kissing the smile off his face.

  Flynn had become increasingly…enthusiastic when we made out. It was both satisfying and completely frustrating. Because physically I wanted more. I wanted to touch every part of him. I wanted him to touch every part of me.

  Here I was, twenty-two years old, dating a guy I was crazy about, and I was stuck on second base.

  I don’t think that had happened since I was thirteen.

  “Will you meet me at lunch time? Eat with me?” I asked once we pulled away from each other. Flynn’s face was flushed and I was having a hard time getting my breathing under control.

  “I’ll meet you at Ma’s Diner. At noon. We’ll sit in the booth at the back by the window. I’ll sit on the right side. You’ll want Key Lime Pie,” he recited.

  I ran my hands down the side of his face before dropping my fingers from his skin. It was almost painful to lose that small physical contact.

  “Yep. That’s what I want,” I agreed.

  I waved goodbye and went out to my car.

  I pulled up out front of my PO’s office building ten minutes later and got out. I hurried inside, knowing I was only minutes away from being late. I checked in with Patty, the receptionist and waited.

  I didn’t have to sit long before Mr. Cox waved me back to his office. I was surprised to find Julie already there.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked, accepting the hug she insisted on giving me.

  “You think I’d miss your review hearing? Come on!” Julie grinned. I smiled back, glad that she was there.

  “Have a seat, Miss McCallum,” Mr. Cox said, clearing his throat and interrupting us. I sat down on the horrible chair with its scratchy upholstery, hoping like hell I’d never have to suffer through that torture again. I hated his sterile office with the beige walls and crappy art on the walls. I went into an instant coma upon entry.

  I fidgeted, trying to get more comfortable. Flynn would have blown a gasket had he been forced to sit in them. Julie gave me a warm smile and I forced myself to sit still.

  Mr. Cox pulled my file out of his drawer and opened it on his desk. He read through it slowly, like he hadn’t already done so a hundred times.

  “I’m recommending the termination of your probation,” Mr. Cox said after a minute, closing the folder.

  I blinked rapidly, not quite sure I heard him correctly. I glanced at Julie who gave me a thumbs up.

  “Huh?” I asked, my mouth hanging open like an idiot.

  Mr. Cox folded his hands on his desk and leaned forward. For the first time in the year I had known him, he smiled at me. It was more a painful stretching of his thin lips, but I supposed it was meant to be a smile.

  “You’ve met every single one of your probationary goals. You put in your community service hours. Erin Hoffman signed off on them yesterday. She says you were a model volunteer. That you did really well with the animals. Good job,” he said gruffly.

  I nearly choked. Was that an actual compliment?

  “Th-Thanks,” I stuttered.

  “You’ve passed all of your mandatory drug tests. Not a one came back dirty.” He said this as though he still couldn’t quite understand how I had tricked his foolproof system. I could tell he still saw me as a junked out delinquent. It was sad that at one time, not too long ago, he was 100% right about me.

  “You’ve maintained gainful employment and housing. Miss Waterman tells me you’re attending the community college. Well done Miss McCallum.” Julie was grinning like crazy. I knew this was just as validating for her as it was for me. She had been the only one to believe in me for a long time. Now she was seeing that her faith wasn’t unfounded.

  I had tried really hard not to get into any more trouble. The last thing I had wanted was to end up back behind bars. I had been there done that, have the scar above my belly button from a shiv to prove it.

  But I honestly hadn’t allowed myself to think of the possibility that perhaps, just maybe, I could finally put this nasty part of my history behind me. That I could finally leave my stupid choices in the past where they belonged.

  Mr. Cox cleared his throat and Julie composed her gleeful face. “I just hope you keep it up. I can say that given your history with the legal system, future judges may not be so lenient. The courts don’t look favorably on people who can’t seem to learn their lesson,” he lectured, as I knew he felt the need to do.

  And I let him. Mostly because I was barely listening to him anyway.

  Because my probation was about to end!

  After a few more minutes of scolding, Mr. Cox finally put on his coat and Julie grabbed her purse and the three of us walked across the street to the courthouse.

  I sat down on a chair in the hallway and waited while Julie and Mr. Cox went to talk to the clerk.

  “Ell
s! Hey!” And my good mood deteriorated instantly.

  Dania plopped down heavily on the chair beside me. It had been a while since I had seen her and she looked as though she had put on a lot of weight. She was dressed inappropriately as always. Her skirt barely covered her ass and her tiny tee with the words “jailbait” blazoned across her chest, was straining over her belly.

  “Is your review hearing today too?” she asked, chewing loudly on a piece of gum.

  “Uh yeah. What are you doing here?” I asked, looking at her warily. There was a definite tension between us now. I hated it but at the same time I couldn’t do anything about it.

  “I came with Stu. His review hearing was today as well,” she said. I looked around but didn’t see him.

  “Oh, so you guys are together now?” I asked.

  “I think. I hope so anyway,” Dania smiled.

  “That’s great, I guess,” I gave her a small smile in return. I knew this was something she always wanted. I should feel happy for her. But in truth it simply depressed me.

  “Is he in the courtroom?” I asked.

  “Nope. His ass was taken back to jail,” she said dismissively.

  “What?”

  Dania shrugged. “His last piss test came up dirty and his PO reported it to the judge. He hasn’t done any of his service hours either. So the judge threw him back in jail for two weeks.”

  “And you’re okay with that? I mean if you’re dating now, shouldn’t that bother you?” I asked her, flabbergasted.

  Dania shrugged again. “It’s only two weeks.” And there it was. The biggest gulf between us. I could no longer share her blasé attitude about things like right and wrong. I knew better now.

  “So what are you still doing here then?” I asked.

  “I’m just waiting for Shane to finish up with the clerk. His probation was extended another twelve months but at least he’s not in jail,” she said, spitting her gum out in a tissue and tucking it underneath the seat.

  “Well shit. That makes me a little nervous. It sounds like the judge is a bit of a ball buster.” I had been feeling good. Confident. Now I wasn’t so sure.