More Than Life

by Nick Kove

  I rolled onto my back, gently touching my forehead where I could still feel the phantom touch of his lips.

  Fuck, Nik. Don’t go around doing shit like that. My heart might get ideas.

  Which would be bad. Really, really bad.

  I dozed off again, only to be awoken what felt like immediately after by rapid knocking on my door. I tried to avoid it by hiding my head under my pillow—but next, I knew my shoulder was shaken.

  ‘Come on, Glenn. You can’t stay in bed all day. I’ve got your medication here.’

  Mum.

  In my room.

  ‘You ever heard of privacy?’ I snapped, remembering quite clearly how she’d been in my room to clean it the day before yesterday—and how she most certainly had seen what was in that box underneath the bed.

  ‘I knocked. You didn’t answer. Considering you tried to kill yourself in here last year, I’m perfectly within my rights to walk right in when all I get when I knock is silence.’

  I grumbled, annoyed that she had a point. If she hadn’t walked into my room last year I would’ve been dead. The jury was still out whether that was a good decision or not, but at least I wasn’t that far down right now.

  ‘Come on. Take your meds.’ Her hand descended on my forehead, right over where Nik had kissed me earlier. How much earlier I had no idea. It could be minutes or hours.

  Speaking of Nik…

  If he hadn’t remembered what an utter mess he’d made of his friendship last night, he might still have been here in bed with me. Which meant Mum would’ve walked in on me sleeping with another guy.

  What if he’d woken me up to the promise of that blowjob? What if Mum walked in on me receiving a blow job from the most effeminate gay man in town?

  The thought was so horrifying I had to shut it off and push it far, far to the back of my mind.

  I rolled onto my back, pushed up on my elbows, and accepted the pills she gave me. Then I took the glass of water to wash them down easily.

  Mum stood next to the bed, looking down at me with an expression I couldn’t read.

  ‘You up for lunch? It’s Long Friday. I’ve decked the table for all four of us. We didn’t get to do it yesterday since your dad was out, but today we’re all gathered.’

  Oh, joy.

  Damn Easter. And damn my parents for suddenly being so familial all of a sudden.

  Well, not all of a sudden. Ever since last year, they’ve been trying their best.

  ‘Yeah, okay.’ I ran a hand over my face and through my hair. ‘Give me five minutes.’

  ‘All right.’ She ran her hand through my hair like I was five years old, then turned and finally left the room.

  I fell back down on the bed with a groan.

  Did she feel guilty? Was that why she was so affectionate all of a sudden? Why she kept a close eye on me? Guilty because she’d never been parent of the year?

  Even Dad spent more time at home now, and I swear I hadn’t seen him around for much of my childhood. He tried to talk to me about sports—which I’d lost the little interest I’d had in—and be all bros. It was disconcerting. It was flat out weird.

  I donned my joggers and T-shirt I’d worn earlier, then went to brush my teeth and wash my face before I headed upstairs.

  ‘What the hell have you done with your hand, Marcus?’ I heard Mum say as I shuffled over to the kitchen doorway.

  ‘Hit a wall,’ he replied, sounding bored and disinterested.

  ‘You sure of that?’ Mum’s gaze was stern as she stared at him.

  She doesn’t believe him for a second.

  That was good. Marcus wasn’t trustworthy.

  ‘Yes, Mother.’ He stared back, then glanced at me as I sat down next to him. ‘Still alive, are you?’

  ‘Marcus!’ Mum’s voice lashed out like a whip to a bull.

  ‘Chill!’ He held up his hands with his palms out. ‘It was just a joke.’

  ‘We don’t joke about things like that in this house.’ Mum all but slammed the bread basket down in the middle of the table.

  Dad looked at us from over his open paper.

  They send out the paper on Long Friday? I wondered briefly, then saw the date on the front. It was Wednesday’s paper. Maybe Dad just wanted to escape the tense atmosphere. I knew I wanted to. When Marcus was around, everything was tense.

  I eyed Marcus’s hand. The knuckles were raw and there was some coagulated blood he hadn’t washed off.

  Poor wall. Or whatever unlucky fucker got the brunt of his anger.

  Because if anyone had anger issues in this house, it was Marcus. The fact he’d hit Alex in the head with an iron bar spoke volumes. Something he’d almost completely got away with, unfair as it was.

  That’s what we got for having parents who were both lawyers and really good at what they did—and who had friends who were just as good as they were in their particular field of law.

  ‘Come on, eat.’ Mum took the seat next to Dad—opposite me—and motioned to the table as a whole. Besides the bread basket, the table was full of ham, salami, cheese, boiled eggs, pan-fried eggs, bacon, plates with cut sweet pepper and cucumber, mayonnaise, jam, and whatever else my family liked to eat.

  I took a boiled egg and cracked it in two, applying salt to both halves, and then using my tea-spoon to scoop it out of the shell and into my mouth. Hard-boiled eggs, just as I liked them.

  ‘Have some bread too, Glenn.’ Mum nudged the bread basked closer to me.

  I eyed it with distaste but chose one of the smaller loaves of bread just to satisfy her. I spread butter on top of it, then covered it with bacon and pan-fried eggs.

  Mum smiled and started piling hers with shrimp and mayonnaise.

  Marcus attacked the salami, while Dad went with simply ham and sweet pepper to go with his cup of coffee.

  ‘Any plans for today?’ Mum asked no one in particular.

  Marcus shrugged noncommittally.

  ‘Just staying in,’ I mumbled. That wasn’t out of the ordinary. That was what my life was like now. Staying in my room, writing until my fingers hurt and then switching to design.

  ‘Why don’t you go out tonight?’ Mum suggested. ‘Get out there. Meet your friends.’

  ‘I don’t have any friends,’ I said, but that wasn’t entirely true. ‘None of them are in town.’

  She frowned.

  ‘Don’t they get Easter off in the army?’

  It was my turn to shrug. They did get Easter off, both Andreas and Peter, but I wasn’t going to tell her I’d chosen not to go off on holiday with them. She wouldn’t like that. It would only make her worry more, and I wanted her off my back, not clutching closer to it.

  Considering Marcus had never gone into the army either—they didn’t want him with a criminal record—she had no personal experience with it.

  ‘That’s a bummer,’ she said, and I left it at that.

  I didn’t want to talk about my friends. They probably didn’t want to talk to me anymore, anyway, considering I’d ignored every text or Facebook message they’d sent me for eight months.

  I finished my food in silence, cleaned up my plate, then headed back down to my room. There was only for so long I could take all members of my family gathered together. Alone time was needed after family time.

  It turned out I wasn’t alone, however, because someone was lying on my bed.

  ‘For fuck’s sake, Nik!’ My heart raced and I clutched at the doorknob. I so hadn’t expected this. ‘Are you trying to give me a heart attack?’

  ‘I think you’re a little too young for that.’ He threw his feet over the edge of the bed and sat up, looking at me with a defeated expression. ‘Ben hates me.’

  ‘Yeah?’ I finally ventured into the room and shut the door after me.

  ‘I went to Tarjei’s because I didn’t know what to say to Ben. And Ben was there. Except when Tarjei told me Ben was there, he got so pissed and he stormed off without a single word to me.’ Like he’d done yesterday, he flopped down dram
atically on my bed.

  ‘Ben stormed off?’ I wasn’t quite following.

  ‘Yeah. And he’s not answering his phone.’

  ‘So, now you’re here.’

  ‘I promised you a BJ, didn’t I?’ He changed in a blink of an eye, from dramatic to seductive as he looked up at me. ‘Except, you know, I’m not up for a BJ right now. I want more.’

  ‘More?’

  He rolled his eyes.

  ‘I want you to fuck me, Glenn.’

  Oh.

  Oh!

  My dick sure liked that—and once the rest of me caught up, it was a brilliant idea. The best idea ever, in fact.

  He pushed himself up and crossed his legs under him.

  ‘Why don’t you show me your sex toys?’

  I scratched the back of my neck awkwardly.

  ‘Why do you want to see them?’

  ‘I just want to. It’s hot. Sex toys are the best.’ He patted the space next to him. ‘Come here and show me your secret stash.’

  I so didn’t want to do that.

  ‘Glenn.’ He jumped to his feet and came over to slide his arms around my waist. ‘It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Everyone’s got sex toys. If they don’t… well, then there’s something wrong with them.’

  ‘Way to generalise,’ I murmured.

  He shrugged unapologetically.

  ‘The box is under there.’ I motioned to the bed.

  He was on his knees instantly and pulled it out, eagerly lifting the lid to peer inside. Then he laughed and I wished for the floor to open so I could sink into it.

  His eyes all but twinkled as he tilted his head towards me. ‘Dildos and butt plugs. You sure weren’t kidding. And anal beads. Have you tried them?’

  I swallowed hard. I’d already admitted more to him than I had anyone else, so why not this too?

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘And lots of condoms.’ He grabbed a handful, lifted his hand up, and then let them fall back into the box.

  ‘Yeah, well, it pays off to buy in bulk when you order over the internet,’ I muttered, shuffling a little in embarrassment.

  ‘True that.’ He threw the last packet on the bed and grabbed the opened tube of lube. ‘You want this, yeah?’

  I nodded quickly. Of course I wanted to have sex with him.

  He grinned. He was totally irresistible when he grinned like that.

  Before I even knew what I was doing, I pulled him close and kissed him.

  He stood on his toes to reach me, arms wrapping around my neck.

  I grabbed hold of him, bringing him over to the bed with me and pushing him down on it. We were frantic. Clothes came off in a hurry, thrown haphazardly to the floor. All we were interested in was getting to each other’s skin and when we did we couldn’t unglue from each other.

  He fitted the condom on me, brought the lube out to play, and then he sank down with a low, drawn-out moan, his heat enveloping me completely.

  I swear my toes curled, that’s how good it was. And when he moved… I couldn’t think straight. Couldn’t think at all, really. It was just him and me, moving together, giving each other this kind of intimate pleasure… and then it peaked, leaving us both sweaty, panting, sticky messes.

  I’d been on my back the whole time and now he collapsed half-way atop me, head resting on my shoulder. His palm stroked gently over my chest, his pulse calming down along with mine.

  ‘That was good.’ He tilted his head up for a kiss.

  I gladly gave it to him.

  ‘I so needed this.’ He put his head back down on my shoulder. ‘Nothing’s more relaxing than a good shag.’

  ‘Still worried about Ben?’ I ran my fingers through his hair absently.

  ‘Yeah.’ He sighed. ‘You should’ve seen his face. Tarjei wouldn’t tell me what happened, but—someone’s beaten him up. I’m sure of it. He looked horrible.’

  My blood literally ran cold.

  ‘What?’ Nik pushed up on an elbow, eyebrows drawing together in a frown. ‘What’s wrong?’

  I drew in a quick breath.

  ‘Marcus.’

  ‘What about him?’

  ‘Mum commented on his hand earlier. His knuckles were raw and sore. There was dried blood.’

  He bit down on his lower lip.

  ‘You think—?’

  Marcus already had a criminal record for violence. Not just for hitting Alex in the head with an iron bar, but for beating people up.

  ‘But why would he do that? He’s never gone after Ben before. What’s Ben done?’

  ‘If your brother did that to Ben…’ Nik full-out glared now. ‘God, he’s such a fucking psycho. Why hasn’t anyone locked him up yet?’

  That’s a very good question.

  ‘You really think he beat Ben up? He looked so bad…’ His heated voice deflated.

  ‘I wouldn’t put anything past Marcus.’ Absolutely nothing.

  ‘Shit.’ Nik hid his face in his palms. ‘Ben’s been assaulted by that motherfucking—’ He shut himself up as he glanced at me through his fingers. ‘And I’m off shagging. That’s not right.’

  ‘If he doesn’t want to talk to you, what can you do?’

  Even if Ben did want to talk to him, could Nik really do anything about it? Ben was already hurt. He could listen, but what help was that? It wasn’t like Nik could go assault Marcus as revenge. Marcus would mop the floor with him.

  ‘I think it’s all my fault,’ he whispered then.

  ‘How come?’

  ‘What I said to him… this all happened after that. I never should’ve told him I didn’t like him the way he like me. Or I shouldn’t have told him when I was drunk and as harshly as I did.’ He pulled at his hair in frustration. ‘Poor Ben.’

  Yeah, poor Ben.

  If he’d been a victim of Marcus’s anger… I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes. At least he hadn’t gone to town with an iron bar this time. At least he hadn’t killed him.

  I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to keep my feelings in check. Thinking about that wasn’t good for me. I hadn’t even liked Alex back then—couldn’t stand him, to be more exact—but just thinking that he could’ve died, that my brother could’ve killed him, made me want to bawl my eyes out. Or hit a certain someone until he bled.

  All that hate. And I hadn’t been any better myself back then. I’d detested Alex. I’d made his life miserable. I’d wanted him gone from Andreas’s life, even though he made Andreas happy. And Alex himself hadn’t ever been happy, had he? So, he deserved to be happy even more. And Andreas made him happy. They were good together.

  Nik dropped back down on my shoulder, startling me out of my own thoughts. I instinctually draped an arm over his shoulders, holding him down against me.

  ‘I should go check on him,’ Nik continued. ‘But I doubt he’ll let me in. I’ve got to try, though, right?’

  ‘Yeah.’ If I had any friends in trouble, I liked to think I would try my best to help them out too. Even if that only was to listen to them vent. Sadly, my friends probably hated me by now.

  His fingers tapped over my collarbone.

  ‘What’re you thinking about?’

  Not anything good.

  ‘I kissed Alex.’

  Now he froze.

  ‘What? Alex, as in your best friend’s boyfriend?’

  I nodded. It was awkward with lying down and all, but I didn’t want to say yes out loud.

  ‘Last year. Before I was supposed to head off to the army.’

  ‘Is that why you don’t talk to any of them?’ He started tapping his fingers along my collarbone again.

  ‘No. Maybe. I don’t know. They all think I’m in the army. I can’t just come out and say that no, I’m not in the army, I’m cooped up at home in my parents’ basement because all I really want is to die.’

  His palm came down on my skin, a nice, firm pressure.

  ‘Do you still want that? To die?’

  ‘No. I don’t know, Nik. I don’t think about i
t all the time like I did before.’ I busied myself now. I took my meds, I wrote my stories. Life was okay. It wasn’t great, but did I need great right now?

  He bit his lip.

  ‘Do you have any hobbies? Do you work? Or are you literally cooped up in here all day, every single day?’

  ‘I…’ Well, fuck. No one knew about my hobbies. My family just thought I was a depressed, lazy wreck who could hardly get out of bed. Everyone else thought I was all normal and up and about and in the bloody army for a year.

  ‘I’ll take that as an “I’m totally cooped up in here all day every single day”, then.’ He circled one of my nipples, teasing it.

  ‘Well, yeah, I am, but—’ Shit. I’d already told Nik so much else. Why not this? ‘I write stories. Erotic short stories. And I earn good money on it.’

  He sat up so quickly I wondered if he got whiplash. His eyes were big and curious as he stared down at me.

  ‘You write erotic short stories? What kind of erotic stories?’

  ‘They’re erotic. Doesn’t that tell you what kind?’

  He rolled his eyes.

  ‘Do you write straight erotica? Gay? Or lesbian?’ He chuckled at the last one.

  ‘All of the above,’ I murmured.

  He laughed—and then he suddenly straddled me and grabbed my hands in his, resting them on both sides of my head.

  ‘I want to read them.’

  ‘No.’ Definitely no. ‘No one I know knows about this. And anyway, why would you want to read straight and lesbian erotica? You’re gay.’

  ‘So? Doesn’t mean I can’t read. And you said you write gay erotica too. How much do you earn doing this? You self-publish?’

  ‘Yeah. And I earn enough to get my own place if I wanted.’

  His eyebrows travelled up his forehead.

  ‘And yet you’re staying here?’

  ‘I live here for free. So, almost everything I earn goes into savings.’

  ‘Wise man.’ He sat back, arse nestled against my spent dick. ‘Do you write anything else? Or just the erotica?’

  ‘I write novellas and novels too, but I post those for free online.’

  ‘Correct me if I’m wrong,’ he started thoughtfully, ‘but wouldn’t longer books earn a lot better than short stories? Mind you, I’m not an author, nor am I any good with money, but still.’