More Than Life

by Nick Kove

  ‘Maybe.’ It did for Matt. He did well mixing erotic shorts with longer romantic works. ‘I just… it’s more personal, you know? The erotic shorts are easy. Just write some smut, slap a cover on it, and it earns money. But longer works… it’s harder to get noticed. People’s opinions matter more. What if they hate it and I drew heavily on my own life from it? At least on the free site, I’ve got so many followers who love everything I write, I don’t really have to worry.’

  ‘Don’t you get people who hate on there at all?’

  ‘Well, yes, of course, but they’re drowned out by all those who like it. If I publish, I have to take them down from the site, and I never know if I’ll ever get as good a reaction as I ever did on that site. That site is gold. I spend a lot of time on it, connecting with readers.’

  ‘Wouldn’t those readers follow you though? If you published the books for money, wouldn’t they buy them?’

  I lifted one shoulder in a shrug.

  ‘I don’t know. Many people on those sites are there because they like to read for free. Why buy something when you can get equally good stories for free?’

  He blew out a breath and wriggled around in my lap a little—totally just to tease me, and it worked so damn well.

  ‘If you let me read just one story, I’ll give you the promised blowjob.’

  ‘You already promised that blowjob. You can’t barter for it now.’

  ‘Sure I can. I’m the one who has to give it.’

  ‘You make it sound like it’s such a bother to do.’ I folded my hands behind my head, watching him steadily.

  ‘Just one story, Glenn.’ He shimmied down my body until his chin butted against the head of my dick. ‘One is all it takes.’

  ‘If I give you one, you can just search up all the rest,’ I pointed out drily.

  ‘Yes, well, that’s a consequence you have to deal with it, isn’t it?’ He flicked his tongue out to just barely touch my cock-head. ‘You want a BJ or not?’

  Fuck, he was good.

  ‘All right.’ I folded way too easily, but with that tongue so close to my dick, there was no way I could say no to his request.

  And he knew that, the cheeky fucker.

  ‘One story. Just give me that blow job.’

  He grinned wickedly.

  ‘It’ll be my pleasure.’ And pleasure was just what he gave me.

  3

  Something More

  Friday, 29th March 2013

  ‘This is so good.’ He was curled up on my bed with his phone, where I’d made him download an app so he could read one of my damn stories.

  ‘Shut up.’ I didn’t so much as turn to look at him, just kept scrolling on Facebook.

  My real Facebook this time, to see what people I knew were up to. It wasn’t much. Sarah was active on Facebook, posting about her awesome new student life in Trondheim, but Andreas, Peter, and Alex hardly ever updated theirs.

  What Andreas and Peter did have were new profile pictures of themselves in uniform. They looked good in them. And to think that that should’ve been me too if I hadn’t been too messed up in the head.

  ‘It’s true, Glenn. Give me more gay erotica, please. Who knew reading could be so much fun!’ He waved the phone in my direction. ‘One more. Please. I’ll give you another blowjob.’

  I snorted.

  ‘You going to keep offering blowjobs for books? I think your jaw’s not going to like that after a while.’

  He seemed dubious.

  ‘How many books have you published?’

  I logged out of Facebook and swung around on the chair to face him.

  ‘I think I’ve got over a hundred erotica shorts published altogether by now.’

  That surprised him.

  ‘How long have you been writing?’

  ‘Years.’ I slouched in the chair. ‘Been publishing for a year and a half, roughly, though.’

  His gaze darted down to my crotch, but my baggy joggers hid whatever he looked for from sight.

  ‘Wow, Glenn. The things I’m learning about you.’ He smiled. ‘Am I the only one who knows about, well, everything?’

  ‘Pretty much, yeah.’ Why I felt comfortable telling him when I didn’t want to tell anyone else was beyond me.

  Nik wasn’t… well, he was all right. I never would’ve thought that before. Before he was just the flamboyant, effeminate gay kid that I wouldn’t have wanted to get within radius of.

  Now he was… something else. Something more. Much more. It was disconcerting.

  He was in front of me before I could blink, standing in-between my legs. As I looked up into his face, he bent down and hugged me.

  I froze, unsure what to do, but by the time my brain figured maybe I should hug him back, he’d straightened back up. And now he ruffled my hair—which honestly, it was pretty ruffled, to begin with because it hadn’t seen a brush in days.

  ‘To think I always thought you were a dick. A fit one, yeah, but still such an arsehole.’

  He’d been spot on, considering I had been just that.

  ‘And what do you think now?’

  His smile got a teasing edge to it.

  ‘Now I think there’s a lot more to you than the tough face you show to the world.’

  ‘Oh yeah?’ I didn’t like talking about feelings or being put on the spot. There was a reason I hadn’t gone to therapy outside of when I was sectioned—and then only because I hadn’t had any other choice.

  His hands settled on my shoulders and he bent forwards towards me.

  ‘And I like what I’m seeing.’ With that, his lips were on mine and he straddled my lap.

  I grabbed his arse to keep him settled and melted into the kiss.

  Shit, I love kissing him.

  The realisation came like lightning from a clear sky and it was… it was good and it was scary and it was huge.

  Knock, knock, knock!

  ‘Glenn?’

  Shit!

  I pulled back from Nik, panic rising from the bottom of my gut.

  Don’t open the door, don’t fucking open the door!

  ‘Y-yeah?’ I forced out through the big ball of anxiety constricting my chest.

  ‘Dinner’s ready,’ Mum said—and to my huge relief, the doorknob didn’t move. ‘It’s a little early today because I’m meeting some friends later. Do you want to come eat with us? Or should I bring a plate down for you?’

  Nik’s face was close to me, but while I kept glancing at the doorknob, still panicky, he regarded me closely.

  ‘I—I’ll—’

  Fuck.

  If I went upstairs to have dinner with them, that meant leaving Nik and I didn’t want to stop kissing him. But if Mum came downstairs with dinner for me, she’d see Nik and I so wasn’t ready for that. He was so obvious he couldn’t pass for a friend. Even if Mum believed he was a friend, he was so very obviously a gay friend and just no—I couldn’t.

  ‘I’m going to go talk to Ben,’ Nik whispered in my ear before he climbed off my lap.

  ‘You have to eat, Glenn,’ Mum said from the other side of the door. She’d taken my silence to mean I didn’t want food. It wasn’t particularly on my mind at the moment, to be honest, but I wasn’t at the point anymore where the simple thought of food made me nauseated.

  ‘I-I’m coming up. Give me five.’ If Nik was leaving anyway, there was no point in staying in my room.

  ‘Okay then.’ The stairs creaked as Mum walked back up them and I could finally relax again.

  Nik was already at the window, shoes and jacket on.

  ‘Bye, Glenn.’

  ‘I—Are you—’ He couldn’t just leave with that. ‘Are you coming back?’ I needed him to come back.

  He smiled slightly.

  ‘Do you want me to come back?’

  I nodded. It was true. I wanted to kiss him again, wanted to curl up in bed with him again, and most of all I wanted to finally attempt that blow job.

  ‘Then I’ll come back. When depends on if Ben wants to
see me or not though.’ He opened the window and climbed out.

  ‘Window’s open, so just—yeah, just come whenever you want.’

  He winked at me—and left.

  I closed the window but didn’t lock it so he could easily push it open again when he returned. Whenever that was.

  Let him be quick.

  Why I wanted that, I had no idea.

  Nik wasn’t my type.

  I’d slept with him one-time last year, and a couple times now in just as many days. That wasn’t long enough to get attached or to get any other sort of feelings.

  It couldn’t be… right?

  I trudged upstairs to face my family. Mum, who tried her best too late, Dad who was uncomfortable with it all, and Marcus who didn’t give a shit.

  Speaking of Marcus… his hand looked the same as it had at breakfast. Raw and sore. He must’ve hit Ben hard for those kinds of injuries. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to see how Ben looked.

  ‘There you are.’ Mum smiled as she sat the boiled potatoes on the table. ‘It’s all ready. Dig in.’

  I took the smallest potato, some meat and sauce, and mashed it all together.

  ‘Vegetables?’ Dad asked, holding the plate with the steaming vegetables out to me.

  I shook my head and he passed it on to Marcus.

  For once I ate quickly, wanting to get back to my room. I could get some words in while I waited for Nik to return.

  Once I’d swallowed the last piece, I rinsed the plate and put it in the dishwasher, then headed straight for the door. No one said anything, so I figured they didn’t mind. Or maybe they wanted to be rid of me; I wasn’t good company, after all.

  My room was empty when I came back downstairs, but I hadn’t expected him to be back yet.

  I grabbed my laptop from the desk and brought it with me over to the bed. I put my pillows up so I could lean against them, crossed my legs, and opened the screen. The laptop instantly woke to life.

  It took a few seconds to connect to the WiFi, but once it did, I logged out of my personal Facebook and into the one I used for my writing pen name. I had thirteen notifications and one new message.

  I skipped the notification and instead clicked on the message.

  Matt: Hey! How’d the blowjob go?

  Me: It didn’t. Didn’t get that far.

  I checked out the notification as I waited for him to answer. Twenty-seven minutes since he’d been online. He might be busy. England was an hour behind, so maybe he was out and about, or—

  Facebook pinged.

  Matt: What happened? I thought that BJ was a done deal?

  Me: Hah. Yeah. No. I don’t know.

  Matt: At least tell me you banged?

  Me: Oh yeah. We did. I’m turning into a girl.

  Matt: What the hell? Where did that come from?

  Me: Feelings, man. I don’t know.

  Matt: You’ve got feelings? For this lad who’s not your type?

  Me: Yeah. Fuck me.

  Matt: I’m sure he’d like to do that. ;)

  Me: Hah! Yeah, maybe, I think so. If I can ever get myself to ask.

  Matt: Just do it. It can’t hurt! Well, actually it can, but you know what I mean.

  Me: He’s only back in town for Easter.

  Matt: Where does he live when he’s not in town?

  Me: Oslo. 9 fucking hours away by car. 1 by plane though, but that’s expensive. Not that I want to go visit him. Or… I don’t know. Fuck. I’m not supposed to have feelings. See what I mean when I said I’m turning into a girl? Girls get feelings when they have sex with someone. Guys don’t.

  Matt: Sure they do. I slept with C and never looked back. We’re still together.

  Me: Sounds like a fairy tale. A really nice fairy tale.

  Matt: Hey, I’ve pegged you for a secret romantic ages ago. Ever since your first free novella. You do want romance. Why fight this? If you like him and he likes you…

  Me: But he’s…

  Matt: Too gay. Yeah, you said. Does it really matter?

  Me: He’s quite outrageous. He wears these shirts with prints on them. Some can be quite vulgar. We made fun of him back in school.

  Matt: He’s being true to himself. If you ask me, I think that’s brave.

  Me: Yeah, well. Not every gay man want to be associated with that stereotype. I’m sorry. You said your guy was quite out there too… but it’s just… embarrassing.

  Matt: To be seen with him?

  Me: Yeah.

  When he didn’t answer right away, I started chewing my bottom lip nervously. Maybe I’d been too much of a dick now.

  Me: I’m sorry, Matt. I didn’t mean any offence.

  Matt: I’m thinking. How to phrase my reply. But you ARE being offensive. I haven’t ever been there, where you are right now. When I got with C, it was… it was great. So, I went with it. What I had problems with was telling my family I was gay. Because I never told my dad before he died, I think maybe I was ashamed? That I never told before, so why tell when he was dead…

  But then C came into the picture and it was a done deal. I’ve never been embarrassed by him or us. Then again, I’ve got other things to be embarrassed about. My cutting, all the scars, my depression and the psychosis. You know. That kinda puts everything else to shame, because it’s so all-consuming and shit. I’m just grateful C wants to be around me certain days, to be honest.

  Me: Man, all that sucks. I’ve said it before, but yeah… it really sucks.

  Matt: Your situation does too though. Suicide attempts aren’t a trivial thing. I should know. A person very close to me is suicidal. Not C, but… he’s real close. It shouldn’t matter how he dresses or how he acts. Yeah, maybe he’s a bit more of a stereotype than the regular guy, but as long as he’s happy, isn’t that what matters?

  Me: But shouldn’t it also matter that I don’t want to be out with him and have random people look at us and instantly peg us both as gay?

  Matt: You’ve got some internalised homophobia you need to work through, mate. No offence, but… for real. And why does it matter what other random people think? Let yourself be happy and fuck everyone else.

  Me: Maybe that would be easier if my brother wasn’t a homophobic psycho who’d probably kill me if he ever finds out I like guys.

  Matt: Is he that bad?

  Me: He tried to kill my BFF’s boyfriend. Hit him with an iron bar in the head.

  Matt: Shit. Does anyone know you like guys?

  Me: BFF’s boyfriend knows. And Nik. But other than that, no. Or, well, Nik’s BFF, but I don’t think he’s gone blabbing to anyone.

  Matt: I wish you had someone in your corner. Someone you could trust and talk to.

  Me: Yeah, well…

  Knock, knock, knock!

  I started so badly at the three rapid knocks that the laptop slid off my lap.

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Can I come in?’ Mum asked from the other side of the door.

  I glanced at the laptop, where I was in the middle of a conversation. Then at the window, where Nik could come back through any moment.

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘I want to talk to you for a bit. Just you and me.’

  My heart beat faster than normal and a ball of anxiety had stuck permanently to the inside of my chest. ‘Y-yeah. Okay.’

  As the doorknob moved, I grabbed the laptop again to shoot off a quick message. I hated to leave a conversation hanging without an excuse.

  Me: Sorry, got to go. Mum wants to talk.

  I watched Mum with trepidation as she came into the room. She looked around, almost as if to check everything was in order, then she took my desk chair.

  ‘What’s up?’ I tried to sound normal, nonchalant but didn’t manage it by a long shot.

  The fact that Mum had come down here to talk, and that she’d been here cleaning the other day—and found my bloody sex toys… that must tell her everything. Straight guys didn’t have dildos and butt plugs and anal beads in a box under their bed.

/>   ‘I’m worried about you.’ She seemed calm, gaze resting patiently on me.

  ‘Worried? What’s to be worried about?’ I was fine. Lots better than I’d been last year.

  ‘What’s not to be worried about?’ She motioned around the room, which was in pristine condition now compared to when she’d been down here cleaning it. ‘You hardly go out, Glenn. You stay in here. I have no idea what you do all day, every day. I’m worried that it’s going to make you worse. That not getting out in public once in a while, not having anything to do will make you worse.’

  I frowned at her.

  She sighed.

  ‘How about a job? Just part-time. At least you’ll get out a little.’

  ‘No, I—’ I couldn’t do some stupid part-time job. I couldn’t stock shelves or man the till in the supermarket. Just no.

  ‘You’ll earn some money.’

  ‘I’m already making more money now than I would in a fucking grocery shop.’

  It was her turn to frown.

  ‘What’re you making money on?’ She drew in a breath and her hands clenched. ‘Don’t tell me Marcus got you into any of his shit? If it’s drugs or—’

  ‘No, no, no!’ I stopped her before she could make any other scenarios for herself. ‘It’s not drugs. It’s got nothing to do with Marcus. He doesn’t know what I do.’

  ‘What is it you do then?’ Her expression told me loud and clear she dreaded my answer.

  Hah, if only you knew, Mum! It’s nothing dangerous at all. So very far from it.

  ‘I write. Books. And sell them online.’

  She sat up straighter, the trepidation gone and replaced by surprise. I’d even go so far as to categorise it as shock.

  ‘You write books?’

  ‘Yeah.’ The most boring profession ever. Hazards: overweight, from spending all day in a chair with hardly any physical activity.

  ‘Oh, wow, I—’

  I’d officially stunned her. And that was hard to do. As a lawyer, she was extremely good at words and always had something to say.

  And then my worst nightmare happened.

  The window opened, bringing with it a cold wind, some snow… and Nik, who dropped lightly onto the floor.