More Than Life

by Nick Kove

  I looked into his eyes, trying to be all open and honest.

  ‘I’ll always answer your messages from now on.’

  ‘You better.’ He bumped his fist against my jaw in an affectionate gesture. ‘I’ll worry if you don’t.’

  ‘You don’t have anything to worry about.’ That might be a lie because there was a lot to worry about. I had a good day today though, so I wanted to think I wouldn’t sink back down the black hole. I would, eventually, but I wanted to enjoy tonight and tomorrow with him. I could sink all I wanted after he’d left.

  He moved to straddle my lap.

  ‘I can’t believe I’ve got a boyfriend. It’s surreal.’

  Yeah, it was. But it was also intoxicating. To know that we were together now, committed, that when he left it wouldn’t mean the end of this thing between us.

  I had no idea what this would lead too. What I’d do if he wanted to do it Facebook official. Or what would happen when my friends came home and found out I hadn’t only skipped out on the army, but I’d tried to kill myself three times and I now had a boyfriend. What would happen if Marcus ever found out…

  But I didn’t want to think about any of that. Because right here and right now, locked away in his room, just the two of us, this was perfect.

  ‘You know, in light of recent events, I think I’ve got another orgasm in me,’ Nik murmured, nipping playfully at my jaw.

  My breath caught.

  ‘Which way will it be, Glenn? You up for another shag? Or do you want to do me this time around?’ His legs were around my hips, his arse in my lap, his hard dick poked my stomach…

  I flipped us over so he was the one on his back. I stretched out over him and grabbed both his hands, pinning them above his head and twining our fingers together.

  ‘I know exactly what I want.’

  I nipped at his lips and he opened them for me to slip my tongue in.

  His legs, still around my hips, fell further apart and I lay down in-between them. He moaned into my mouth as we rubbed together.

  I fumbled blindly for one of the condom packets I knew we’d discarded on the bed earlier. When I found it I wasted no time ripping it open.

  Time to make him feel as good as he’d made me feel earlier.

  Continues in…

  More Than Life 2: Live Your Life

  Friday, 10th May 2013

  Trying to argue with Marcus was futile on the best of days, so all I did was remove myself from the situation. By running as fast I could in the opposite direction.

  He roared something after me, I could make out the threat of kill you, but otherwise his words drowned in the wind. He was thankfully too high to pursue too, so I was pretty much safe.

  Too bad I didn’t feel safe. I felt decidedly unsafe with Marcus around, even when he was so high he couldn’t walk in a straight line let alone beat the shit out of me.

  He’s been in my room.

  He’d gone through my stuff. He’d been on my laptop and seen the documents I had open there. He’d seen the kind of stories I wrote. And the last month, those stories had been all about the gay erotica—and a gay romance that was so sweet and full of fluff it was nauseating to think about. But the words came so easily.

  ‘Fuck it all.’ I stopped running as the road went uphill, but I didn’t stop walking. Not until I was on the top of the bridge, staring out at the town and the harbour. It was dark out, but streetlights and lights from all the homes spread out made a nice picture.

  The railings of the bridge went over my head, far higher than on any other bridge around. There was a good reason for that.

  I wrapped my fingers around the cold metal and stared down at the dark water far, far down. I didn’t know how far it was, but far enough that if you jumped and hit the water, it would be like hitting concrete.

  That’s why the railings were so high. Because this was the bridge people jumped from when they wanted to die. Wouldn’t it be nice? To just climb over the railing and be in free fall for a few seconds before everything was over? Even if the railings were so high, people still managed to climb them.

  I let go with one hand to wipe at the heavy tears on my face. Part of me wanted to do it, climb the railings and let go, but the other part… I wanted to get away from my brother and my life, but not by dying.

  I fumbled my phone out of my jeans pocket. There’s only one person I could ring right now who would make me feel better.

  ‘‘Lo?’ the mumbled voice came after several rings.

  ‘Nik,’ I choked out, still staring down at the dark water, staring at the way the waves hit the concrete down where the bridge started.

  ‘Glenn?’ I heard rustling on his end. Coupled with the mumble as he answered, I reckoned he’d been asleep. ‘Are you all right?’

  I wasn’t all right by a long shot, but I couldn’t get the words out. The sob that left me did the job though.

  ‘Are you at home? In your room?’

  ‘No.’ So very far from my room.

  ‘Then where are you?’ He sounded frantic now.

  ‘Suicide Bridge.’ That’s what we called it. Because a great majority of the suicidal types in this town did so by jumping from exactly where I stood. The top of the bridge, the place furthest away from the water all the way down there.

  ‘Glenn, no.’ His voice rang out in a panic. ‘Please. Glenn. Just leave that bridge, okay? Go back the way you came. Please, Glenn.’

  ‘Why?’ I fingered the railing, feeling the cold metal, wondering what it would be like to heave myself up and over it. ‘Why should I?’

  ‘Just because.’

  A car zoomed past me, disappearing down on the other side of the bridge.

  I rested my forehead against the cold railing.

  ‘I haven’t got anything to live for. Marcus… he knows. He’s been snooping in my room.’

  ‘Fuck Marcus!’ he all but screamed at me. ‘Just fuck him! He doesn’t matter. He’s a psycho homophobic piece of shit that no one wants to get close to. He’ll never have anyone, Glenn, and you’ve got me. You promised we’d be together, that we’d try this out. That when I came home for the summer, we’d be together. So, don’t you dare—’

  I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes closed, clutching the phone tighter in my hand.

  ‘Glenn, you hear me? Don’t you dare.’

  I heard him, but it was too hard. Being alone in my room was all I wanted, because facing people was too hard.

  Except it wasn’t, because I wanted to be out there again, to be social and meet people. But I couldn’t because I constantly felt like shit.

  ‘Why don’t you come visit me?’ he said then. ‘Buy a plane ticket and just come here. You can stay with me for however long you like. Please, Glenn. Come here. Come to me.’

  Now that sounded like a good alternative.

  ‘Get on the damn internet now and order a ticket. For tomorrow. The first flight you can get. Glenn? Do it. I’ll help you pay for it if it’s too expensive, just… please. Come here.’

  I took the phone away from my ear to put it on speaker. It was so late no one else was around anyway. I sat down with my back to the railing and clicked into the web browser.

  ‘Glenn?’ Nik’s voice was shaky. ‘Are you there?’

  ‘Yeah.’ I sniffled and wiped some more tears way so I could actually see the screen.

  I googled Scandinavian Airlines, clicked into their website and chose the town’s airport and Oslo as destination.

  ‘What about the return ticket?’

  ‘Fuck the return ticket. Get a one-way ticket. I mean it, you can stay with me for as long as you want. Even if it’s until school’s over. We can go back home together, if you’re still here.’

  One-way ticket it is then.

  ‘The plane that leaves nine thirty tomorrow morning has available seats,’ I said, staring at the price. Almost two thousand one way, for one fucking hour in the air. But I could afford it. I saved most of my income anyway, so it wouldn’t put
much of a dent in my savings.

  It’ll be worth it.

  ‘Get that,’ Nik urged immediately.

  ‘Okay.’ I clicked the buy button and started typing in all my details.

  ‘That means you’ll be at the airport ten thirty,’ Nik was saying, mostly to himself. ‘If you take the Airport Express train, you’ll be at central station around eleven or eleven thirty. Depends on if you have to wait for baggage or not.’

  ‘I’ll bring a suitcase.’ I’d need that when I didn’t know how long I’d stay.

  ‘Okay, good, so if we say you’ll be at central station around eleven thirty, I’ll meet you there.’

  ‘Don’t you have school?’

  ‘Fuck school. This is more important.’

  That warmed me—and I instantly felt a little bit better.

  ‘Are you ordering?’

  ‘Yeah.’ I read over my details one last time, making sure they were right, then clicked purchase.

  ‘Good.’ He let out a breath. ‘That’s good.’

  My eyes burned as I stared at the receipt.

  ‘You’re the only good thing in my life.’

  ‘Oh, Glenn.’ He sighed. I was pretty sure it was a good kind of sigh. ‘God. When you get here tomorrow I’m going to hug you so tight.’

  ‘I’ll hold you to that.’ I needed someone to hug me tight. Needed it to be him.

  ‘Good.’ A beat of silence followed where I only heard him breathing. Then… ‘Are you still on the bridge?’

  I sniffled and looked around, as if I wasn’t sure that yes, I was.

  ‘Yeah. I’m sitting on the pavement.’

  ‘Go home would you?’ he asked in a low voice. ‘Get off the bridge, go home, and pack. Tomorrow you’ll be here and you don’t have to deal with Marcus anymore. Okay?’

  Now that sounded like heaven.

  I pushed myself up onto my feet, and after one last long look at the edge of the bridge and the water underneath, I walked back the way I’d come.

  ‘I’m sorry if I woke you up,’ I told him, feeling guilty but at the same time extremely grateful he’d answered.

  ‘Don’t worry about that.’ He dismissed it so easily. ‘I’m glad you rang me. You get that, right? Ring me instead of doing anything stupid. Every damn time, okay?’

  ‘Okay,’ I agreed meekly. I was off the bridge now, walking up past the doctors’ offices and up towards the hospital so I avoided going through the town centre on my way home. Marcus was probably around still and I didn’t want to risk meeting him again right now.

  ‘Damn, Glenn. You scared me.’ His breathing was a little more laboured than normal. I’d probably made him all panicky.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Don’t be sorry. I’m glad you rang. But shit… Just imagining what could’ve happened—’ He swallowed so loud I heard it. ‘I’m so far away. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything.’

  ‘What could you have done anyway?’

  ‘I could’ve come to the bridge. Talked to you in person. But I’m nine hours away by car—and it’s the middle of the night.’

  ‘I went out for a walk. And I had a drink,’ I told him. ‘Then Marcus was there. And he started running his mouth. Told me he’d been in my room, seen what kind of disgusting shit I write—’

  ‘It’s not disgusting,’ he said in a low voice, his breathing easier now. ‘You’re a really good writer. He’s just so deeply rooted in his homophobia he can’t see straight.’

  ‘Mentally unstable’s more like it,’ I murmured, staring down at the pavement as I walked. ‘More so than me.’

  ‘You’re not mentally unstable,’ Nik protested. ‘You’re depressed. That’s not the same.’

  ‘Isn’t it?’ I felt pretty unstable. One day could be good and the next day I wanted to jump off Suicide Bridge. Or swallow all my pills.

  ‘Glenn.’

  ‘Nik.’

  ‘Where are you now?’

  ‘At the park soon.’ I didn’t even look to both sides as I crossed the road. There weren’t any cars around at this time.

  I continued up the pavement, crossed the road again, and was then in the park. The peacocks on the other side of the fence were nowhere in sight—but I saw the ducks and geese and doves down by the pond.

  As I continued past the fence, I also spotted one of the two swans curled up on the edge of the pond, face hidden under its wing. It was a little sad, that their entire lives had to be spent within the fence and in only that one pond. That all the birds that belonged in the park had had their wings clipped so they couldn’t fly off.

  How nice wouldn’t it be to just fly off somewhere? Start a new life far away from your old one?

  ‘Glenn? Are you still with me?’

  I coughed, clearing my throat.

  ‘Yeah, sorry.’

  Had he said anything while I’d been deep in thoughts?

  ‘This happened in a horrible way, but I’m happy you’ll be here tomorrow. I’ve missed you the past month.’

  ‘I’ve missed you too.’ Our last day together back at Easter had mostly been spent in bed. We’d only gone out to get food, but we’d brought it with us back to my basement. We’d cuddled, talked, had sex… it had been the best day in as long as I could remember. Maybe ever.

  Just me and him, in our own little bubble. I liked that.

  I didn’t think it was going to be like that down in Oslo, since he had school and friends and all that, but… maybe, away from my family and Marcus, I could grow more comfortable with the fact I liked him. And was with him.

  ‘Tomorrow.’ I was close to home now. ‘Less than nine hours.’ In less than nine hours I was damn well going to hug him—and fuck whoever was around.

  My house came into view and I went around to my window, as per usual.

  ‘I’m home.’

  ‘Pack and sleep, okay? And I’ll see you tomorrow. Text me when you’re on the Airport Express train.’

  ‘Will do.’ I sounded almost normal now. ‘Tomorrow, Nik.’

  ‘Tomorrow.’

  I hung up, stuffed the phone back into my pocket, and then climbed through the window. I locked it behind me, just to be on the safe side, then headed over to lock my door too.

  As I switched on the light, it was obvious that Marcus had been in there. My laptop had moved, my notebooks were scattered, and the box under the bed…

  My knuckles crunched as I hit the wall with all I had, leaving behind blood and a dent.

  ‘Fucking fuck!’ I hated Marcus so much I didn’t even have words to describe it!

  I longed to hit him in the face, to feel his nose crunch under my knuckles. Sadly, I’d only ever done that once, and that had been a year ago during graduate celebrations. I’d been so drunk I could hardly remember it, but we had clashed. I wanted nothing more than to beat the shit out of him.

  Instead I searched my room for a suitcase, but only came up with a bag. Not wanting to leave the safety of my room, I figured it would have to be enough and stuffed all my favourite clothes in it along with underwear and socks. I’d get my toiletries in the morning.

  It would have to do. If I forgot anything, I’d just buy replacements. I couldn’t stomach spending another day in this house, not as long as Marcus was also living under this roof.

  Dad I could stomach most days, considering he mostly stayed out of my way. Probably busy with his cheating ways, but as long as he didn’t hover over me I was good.

  Mum… I’d leave her a note. I couldn’t talk to any of them now. She wouldn’t understand. She wouldn’t like that I’d left.

  But I had to.

  I had to leave.

  For my own good.

  About the Author

  Nick lives in Norway and mostly writes about queer characters living in Norway or the UK, and likes to tackle difficult subjects such as mental illness, past trauma, and self-injury.

  Nick prefers to write novellas and short stories, and likes happy endings for all characters—but Nick go
es where it feels right for the individual story, so not every book has one.

  Check out the website for other books and free reads:

  www.acpress.co.uk