The Symbolon

by Colvin, Delia

For Valeria, life stopped at that moment. She thought maybe she should have followed him. She thought maybe she should have forced Paolo’s hand. Then the outcome might have been different. She thought about drinking too much. She thought about throwing herself into the sea.

  After he left, she went down to the beach and laid in the sea with the cold tidal waters washing over her for hours in an attempt to numb the pain…until her ferocious shivers made her wonder what would happen if she died there. Then it occurred to her what it would do to him if he came back and found her like that. She couldn’t bear to do that to him. She pulled herself up, wet and shaking violently from the cold water, and walked back to the house and up to their honeymoon suite.

  It would be a relief to stop the pain with alcohol or drugs, but in the end, she just layed between the sheets where Alex had been with her. His clothes and all of his belongings were still just as he had left them. If she moved his things, her memory of the room would be of him gone…her world without him. She could still close her eyes and feel him moving through the room to her, and smell his wonderful scent. Maybe if she slept more, she would wake up to find he was here with her and it had all just been a nightmare. Oh, please God, make that be so!

  There were a number of signs that life was going on outside of that bed. She was vaguely aware of the doorbell ringing several times. Valeria’s mouth was dry and she pulled Alex’s glass of flat champagne off the nightstand and drank it. She savored the feeling of being near him with that action.

  There was a girl who was standing in the light from the window. It was late afternoon; Valeria could tell by the angle of the sun.

  The young girl was speaking softly to her in another language encouraging her to drink a glass of green liquid that she held. Valeria turned her head, but the girl insisted. Deciding that she was thirsty, she drank the concoction. It tasted bitter, but it seemed to quench her thirst. Then she wondered, momentarily, if she had been poisoned or drugged and the pain would stop. The girl was encouraging Valeria to get out of bed. She shook her head, but the girl insisted, so Valeria got up, her sheets and clothes still damp from earlier. Following the girl into the bathroom, Valeria discovered that the tub had been filled, though she hadn’t even heard it.

  Normally, she would have wanted privacy, but she didn’t care now. The girl helped her undress and Valeria stepped into the tub. The girl began washing Valeria’s hair. It felt good and it reminded her that she was alive…at least a part of her was. She was grateful for this girl and at least made an attempt to fight the constant sobs that wracked her body. She stepped out of the tub and the girl wrapped her in a warm robe.

  Wandering through the house, she felt its emptiness; there was the chair Lars had sat in reading a book on construction. There was the counter where she and Camille had prepared a salad; Ava would pick up the mushrooms as soon as Valeria sliced them into the bowl, and Camille would occasionally reach over to slap Ava’s hand and they had all laughed. Was that only yesterday? Tavish and Daphne had played chess at the table by the window. There was the spot, at the foot of the stairs, where Alex had stood with so much love and hope in his eyes, just one day before! This all haunted her now.

  The girl seemed to be telling Valeria that she should go outside. Valeria took her purse and unzipped it to grab her sunglasses. She froze. Alex had stuffed her purse with a large amount of cash, at least 50,000 euros. It made her heart leap to see something he had done and made the quivers and sobs return. She wondered whether she should leave the cash here or at the cottage. But thinking was not something she could do right now and thinking about leaving either of those places was just too much.

  Pulling her sunglasses on, she walked to the door and saw a white garment bag in the hallway. Something made Valeria turn to look at it, as she brushed her fingers over her mouth. She saw the tag from the shop in Venice where, just days before, she and Alex had purchased her wedding gown. Was today the day? She tried to think. Yes, it must have been today…her wedding day.

  Slowly unzipping the bag, she saw the rich off-white silk-crepe and remembered the feel of it…how he had looked at her in it. She closed her eyes for a few seconds and then pulled the dress out of the garment bag. What life would be like if she were wearing that dress today for him! She stepped outside and saw the changes. The arbor was gone and the tables and chairs had been put away. All the help had been notified…efficient Camille! But somehow, the dress had gotten by. Valeria guessed that the assistant must have insisted on delivering it, perhaps hoping for another large tip.

  Valeria took the dress and, rolling it up casually so that it didn’t drag on the ground, she carried it with her outside. She walked on the patio to the wine cooler that had been stocked days earlier for the celebrations and took out a bottle of champagne. She walked barefoot across the lawn, carrying the bottle toward the shore.

  The young girl didn’t seem to want her to drink the champagne but Valeria didn’t care. She went to the Adirondack chairs near the water, where she had sat curled up on Alex’s lap the first night they were there. She could still imagine that he was there with her. She clung to her wedding dress while opening the champagne. It spilled on her dress and her bathrobe. When the girl tried to take the dress, Valeria was surprised to hear a fearful sound come from her own throat. Then she sat back in the chair and soaked in the warmth of the sun. It would have been a perfect wedding day, she thought. Then she fell back asleep.

  When she awoke, everything felt very surreal. It felt like a nightmare that she couldn’t wake from. Valeria knew she needed to pack up and move out of this family house and then go to their home in Trento…their home. How could she move out of the only real home she had ever known? Where would she go?

  She thought of Florence. But that seemed too close to Alex and her family…the family, she reminded herself, since they were no longer hers. And she knew that if she was in Italy, she would not be strong enough…she would feel compelled to drive up to Trento sometimes. She decided that she would move back to her brownstone in New York. At least she liked it there, and it didn’t remind her as much of Alex. Weege had been taking care of most things, so it should still be in good shape. All of these decisions felt cold and final to Valeria, like a death…hers.

  When Valeria awoke again, she felt movement around her. Opening her eyes, she realized that it was now early evening…she would have been dancing with Alex, perhaps their first dance. Then she saw an older woman of sixty with a crop of short white hair and eyes of deep oracle blue. She was kindly directing the girl to bring something. Valeria saw a tray on the table next to them with cheese, crackers, and fruit.

  “Hello, dear,” she said in a friendly voice. “I’m Shinsu.” She looked to Valeria. “I know. It doesn’t sound Greek at all. Gosh I’ve gone most of my existence with people thinking I’m Chinese when they hear my name! Mother had very unusual likes and dislikes. But I guess it fits me. I’m a bit unusual…or, so I’m told.”

  Shinsu went on, “So! What a mess! The one council meeting I miss in millenniums and they make a decision like that!” She turned her head in irritation and then shook her finger. “I hold Jeremiah responsible! Sure, those boys get themselves into trouble. But come now—the Law of Nevia? For a nice girl like you? All they had to do was open their eyes to see that neither you nor Alex have a malicious bone in your body! You know that was the purpose of that law, for maliciousness!

  “So, go ahead. Tell Su-su all about it.” She signaled that Valeria should begin.

  Valeria didn’t answer. Her vision was blurry and she couldn’t imagine someone was really there talking to her. It must be another dream.

  “I guess you’re not quite up to it yet,” she said calmly. Then she shook her head in irritation. “What were they thinking leaving you alone here like this? As soon as I heard, I told Jeremiah that he may as well make use of her!” Shinsu eyed the young woman who was helping. “Thank goodness I found out when I did!” She shook her head again.

  Valeri
a wasn’t ready to engage in any conversation, but she wanted to know, “Alex?” Her voice felt awkward and strained. Just saying his name caused an enormous well of tears in her eyes.

  Shinsu shook her head. “Alex is a mess.” She looked at Valeria. “And you think you’re bad off!” She rolled her eyes.

  Looking down at the stained silk in her lap, Valeria again remembered Alex’s face when she had tried on the dress and choked into soft sobs.

  Shinsu leaned in matter-of-factly. “Yes. I heard about all of it. That must be the dress, huh? Pretty.” She shrugged and said gently, “Well, you can’t really marry someone when they are married to someone else.” She looked off and rolled her eyes. “Unless you are Jeremiah and then, by God, you will find a way!” she huffed. Shinsu picked up the tray and looked at it unhappily, eyeing the young woman who had arranged it. She reorganized it and pushed it toward Valeria. “Here, eat some.” Valeria didn’t guess that Shinsu would take “no” for an answer so she took a cracker. She played with it, breaking it into tiny pieces, as she had learned to do in the foster homes she grew up in, so that no one knew how little she ate.

  The girl brought Valeria and Shinsu something to drink and Valeria soon noticed the odd relationship between the two women. Shinsu said something directly to the girl in the Polynesian language that seemed to irritate the girl. The girl tried to argue and Shinsu shut down the argument in a very calm tone and then indicated that the girl could go.

  “At least I have the title of senior wife.” Shinsu rolled her eyes. “That’s the least I should get after over a thousand years of marriage!” she huffed. “My one gift is that she’ll look like she’s a thousand years old in just a few decades.” She sighed and then said something else to the girl.

  Valeria’s eyes narrowed in question and Shinsu seemed to understand the question.

  “I know. Different rules for different immortals. Doesn’t seem right does it? Well, rules—schmools. Don’t let them fool you! The council does what they want to do! But don’t you worry. It’ll be straightened out at the next council meeting! I’ll make certain of that!” Shinsu saw that she had upset Valeria by her comment. “Oh, dear! I know 500 years seems like a long time, but it’s really not.” She sighed. “Trust me! It’ll be like a day or two when you are my age!”

  Although Valeria wasn’t in the mood for company or talking, Shinsu was a link to Alex and the family and she couldn’t give it up. Shinsu got up and walked to Valeria. “Now, come on, dear. Hand me that gorgeous dress,” she said and Valeria found herself handing the dress to Shinsu. “And that’s not doing you any good!” Shinsu said, indicating the champagne. Valeria handed her the bottle and then Shinsu walked into the house with the bottle and the dress and returned with a blanket.

  “So. here’s the thing, dear. We have these bodies that are immortal, right?” Shinsu said, as she tucked the blanket around Valeria. “But here’s the secret.” Her eyes sparkled. “It isn’t the body that is immortal!” Valeria looked at Shinsu in total confusion. Seeing this, Shinsu tried again. “Our bodies are like everybody else’s. It’s what we oracles do with them that’s different.”

  This was too deep of a conversation for Valeria but Shinsu continued. “We all have the same carbon engines!” she said. “It’s our spirit that makes us different.” Shinsu studied Valeria. “I thought you should know that, dear. And here’s the thing—Alex needs you to be all right. He needs your endowment of life force. So you need to pull yourself together, girl!”

  Valeria felt like she was emotionally trapped at the bottom of a well, with no way to climb out. Shinsu went on, “When you are ready, you need to get things done. You need to move your body.” Shinsu lifted a finger toward Valeria. “And you will find solutions come to you, just like that!” Shinsu snapped her fingers. She brushed her fingers through Valeria’s hair. “You know, time is just an illusion of motion.” She shook her head. “I don’t know why I’m telling YOU that.”

  Shinsu sighed. “Girl, you can’t solve anything from where you are at right now!” She looked into Valeria’s eyes. “Be the solver! You can solve this whenever you decide! But it takes you forcing yourself into someplace other than grief…” She narrowed her eyes. “Or apathy. Get angry. That’s okay for now. Move the body some more. Look around. Get outside of that gorgeous head of yours! Just doing that will change your future!” Shinsu patted Valeria’s leg. “You are considerably stronger than you think you are! I promise!” She winked and her eyes sparkled with life.

  A soft breeze moved by her and Valeria closed her eyes, drifting off into a dreamless slumber. When she awoke it was night and she felt the coolness of the air. No one was there, except the girl in the house. The woman, Shinsu, must have been a dream or a hallucination. She noticed how brilliant the stars were from this part of the island. She could even see the Southern Cross. She had always wanted to see it. Valeria saw a brief picture of how this night might have been—the twinkling lights, the dance floor, her beautiful husband in her arms. Alex, her husband for eternity...in her bed, making love to her.

  Pushing that dream back, she stood up with the blanket wrapped around her and walked to the house. The girl had prepared dinner for her but she walked past it. Her stomach wasn’t ready for food. The girl brought her the green drink and again insisted that she drink all of it. Valeria decided that the sooner she did what the girl said, the sooner she would leave her alone. Then Valeria went back to the bed and slept, a dreamless night.

  In the morning, Valeria got up and showered. She pulled her hair back into a ponytail and dressed in jeans and a T-shirt—the first time she had gotten dressed since that awful night. Now, somehow, it was almost two days ago. The girl brought her coffee and toast. It wasn’t the perfect blend of coffee that she had become accustomed to, but it was good.

  She packed only the casual clothes that she had brought. She couldn’t bear to bring the rest of the things that Camille had purchased for her honeymoon.

  She couldn’t check flights with her cell phone since there wasn’t internet or cell service at the house. She didn’t want to go into the town of Gaios to see a travel agent because she didn’t want to risk running into anyone—not the family and not the others. She knew she would not be able to control her reaction if she saw the men responsible for this. She thought how strange it was, given all the abuse she had endured as a child and a young girl, and yet she never harbored any anger toward the perpetrators. For this, it was different. She would not forgive them…ever. Valeria found a house phone and was able to make airline reservations to Venice and the following morning from Milan to New York. It was decided.

  In the bedroom, she pulled out her toiletry case and tossed everything that wasn’t Alex’s in it, though most of his things had been moved to the other bedroom. She wondered if she should pack his things and take them to the cottage, but decided to leave them as they were. It did make her wonder where he was. Was he near? Was he wondering where she was? Would she always feel so very connected to him and, at the same time, so very isolated?

  In the closet was the silk sweater he had worn the day before at the rehearsal. She pulled it to her face and breathed in. Oh, she hoped she would never forget his wonderful scent. Unable to stop herself, she laid down on the bed holding the sweater near her face. After an hour, she rose, put on his gray jacket, and slung the sweater over her shoulders, tying the arms in front of her neck.

  The water taxi arrived and helped her with her bags. She kept her sunglasses on. They helped her from feeling like she needed to be social. Within hours, her flight was arriving in Venice. She recalled the balloon flight over the magnificent city just days before…when she was whole. She forced those memories to the back of her consciousness, wondering if there would be a day when she could stand to remember that extraordinary time in her life.

  In Venice, she hired a limo. She wasn’t up to driving…she wasn’t up to anything. As she rode through the familiar hills, she tried to block out the memories—they wer
e just too much. But closing her eyes only made it worse. This part would be over soon, she painfully reminded herself as the limo pulled onto their drive…she wasn’t certain whether that thought made it better or worse, perhaps both.

  Stepping precariously out of the limo in front of her beautiful cottage, she concerned herself with how she would keep herself together. If she broke down in front of the limo driver, would he think she was insane and leave her? Then what would she do? Pulling the fresh mountain air into her lungs actually soothed her. She took in the feeling of the coolness on her skin and the smell of the forest. There was no fire in the fireplace today. The place looked flat without the light that was Alex…that was them.

  She wondered if it was a mistake to come here. She could certainly replace her clothes, but from somewhere deep within, she knew that if she didn’t come back here one last time, there would come a day when she would regret it.

  Her heart pounded nervously before opening the door. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath pushing back the tears that sat poised on the edge of her eyes and her heart. She recalled the first time she had come here, and how he had stood at the door anxiously wondering if she would like it. And perhaps a piece of him wondered if she would appreciate what he had spent centuries creating for her.

  The door was unlocked and she stepped in. Their first kiss had been right there. She ran her hands over the library of leather-bound classics. Walden was missing. He must have come here! She wondered if he was still near. She saw that Sense and Sensibility was pulled out slightly, was that an invitation to take it? Or had he considered taking it himself. Next to it was Wuthering Heights and two open spaces. She remembered reading it under the gingko tree by the side of the house. The lines flashed into her head from the book, “If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.” To Valeria, at this moment, the universe had become a mighty stranger.