The Never Have I Ever Club

by Mary Jayne Baker

  ‘He is heavily biased. And you seriously don’t deserve to have someone like him fighting your corner, you monozygotic son of a bitch.’

  ‘What did you call me?’

  ‘You heard.’ She turned away. ‘I mean it, Ashley. Stay the fuck out of my way.’

  12

  Robyn tried not to look in Ash’s direction as she got everyone seated. She took out her gavel and banged it on the table.

  ‘Evening, everyone, and welcome to the first of our taster sessions: Swedish massage,’ she said. ‘Tonight we’ve got the team from Saria’s Spa in Harrogate ready to give us a sample of what they offer. We’ll be going for our massages in groups of five.’

  ‘Do we need to be naked?’ Linda Cockburn asked.

  ‘No, bare backs only, since it’s a mixed-sex session.’

  ‘Oh.’ Linda looked disappointed.

  ‘Anyway, let’s have a catch-up first,’ Robyn said. ‘Did you all try something new over Christmas?’

  Carolyn Jeffries’ hand shot up.

  ‘Um, maybe someone else ought to start us off,’ Will said.

  Robyn gave him a grateful nod. The Jeffries’ experiments with DVLA were a bit much to open with.

  ‘How about you, El?’ she asked her friend. ‘Learn an instrument, wasn’t it?’

  ‘Well, I made a start. Winnie got me a ukulele for Christmas.’ He winced, but quickly managed to arrange his face into a smile for his boyfriend. ‘I’ve only mastered two chords so far, but I’m setting aside an hour a week for practice.’

  ‘Okay, that sounds great. Well done.’ She reached into her folder. ‘Here, have a sticker.’

  ‘Ooh!’ Eliot said as he took the smiley-faced sticker emblazoned with the words Super effort, star! ‘I didn’t know we got stickers. Brilliant.’

  ‘Yep. If you work really hard, you might even get a badge.’ She became aware of Ash smiling at her and turned her face slightly. ‘Anyone else with progress to share?’

  Carolyn’s hand shot into the air again.

  Robyn sighed. ‘Okay, Mrs Jeffries, keep it clean. How did it go with, er… with your new hobby?’

  ‘Well, I must say it wasn’t at all like I expected. Actually, it rather hurt.’

  ‘Never.’

  ‘It did, you know. Poor Bertie nearly did himself an injury with the spiky collar thing. But I’m sure we’ll get the hang of it.’

  ‘Are you positive this is the right hobby for the two of you, Mrs Jeffries?’ Will asked. ‘It sounds like you’re struggling.’

  ‘Well if it wasn’t a challenge then it wouldn’t be worth doing, would it, young man?’ Carolyn said with the stern glare Will remembered only too well from the days when she’d been his nursery teacher.

  ‘Just be careful, won’t you?’ he said. ‘Don’t hurt yourselves. I mean, no more than you’re supposed to.’

  Because he’d be the one who’d have to deal with the aftermath, wouldn’t he? They warned you about this kind of thing at medical school.

  An image of sixty-six-year-old Albert Jeffries walking stiffly into his surgery after some sort of accident involving vibrating butt plugs popped into his head. Will grimaced and brushed it away.

  ‘What about you, Will?’ Robyn asked.

  He started. ‘Plugs… What?’

  She laughed. ‘Okay, random. How’re you getting on with your new hobby? You know, the Spanish?’

  ‘Oh, right.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Listen to this. ¿Te has perdido? Porque el cielo está bien lejos de aquí.’

  ‘That sounds impressive. What does it mean?’

  ‘Huh. I know,’ Felicity said, rolling her eyes. ‘I got picked up by a Spanish boy back in the sixties with the exact same line. Will just said “Are you lost? Because heaven’s a long way from here”.’

  Robyn laughed. ‘Have you been exploiting your Christmas present to teach yourself cheesy chat-up lines, Dr Barnes?’

  He shrugged. ‘Why do you think I wanted to learn a new language?’

  ‘What about you two?’ she asked Cliff and Linda Cockburn.

  ‘Oh, we were very good; we did our homework,’ Linda said, smiling. ‘We arranged a… let’s call it a day out.’

  ‘Is that something new for you?’

  ‘This one is, yes.’ Her husband nudged her, shaking his head. ‘But, er, I won’t say anything more. It’s a secret for now.’

  ‘Okay,’ Robyn said. ‘And what about you, Aunty Fliss? I know it’s harder for you, as the girl who’s tried everything, but did you do find something new to do?’

  ‘One thing.’ Felicity flashed a shy smile quite unlike her usual mischievous smirk at the Brigadier.

  ‘What was it?’

  The Brigadier was grinning all over his big red face. He held up Felicity’s hand so they could all see the ring sparkling on her third finger.

  ‘She said yes.’

  ‘Oh my God!’ Robyn went to kiss her aunty while the Brigadier submitted to back slaps and handshakes from some of the men. ‘You sly thing. Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘We wanted to announce it to everyone tonight,’ Felicity said, giving her a hug.

  ‘What changed your mind? He’s asked you enough times.’

  ‘This group, I suppose. I started thinking about what was on the list of things I’d still like to do in my life, and ended up counting my blessings instead. I know I tease him rotten, but Norman’s very near the top of that list. I wanted to do this one thing to make him happy.’ She gave Robyn a squeeze. ‘You’re right at the top of the list too, my duck.’

  ‘Give over.’

  ‘Yes you are. You’ve grown up into a wonderful young woman, Robyn, and I couldn’t be prouder of you.’ Felicity released her from the hug. ‘Now go on, finish your jibber-jabber so we can have our massages.’

  ‘All right.’ Robyn gave her another peck on the cheek then leaned over to give the Brigadier one too. ‘Uncle Norman, welcome to the family.’

  She noticed Will’s gaze fixed on the newly engaged couple as she took her seat again. He was smiling broadly, obviously pleased for them, but there was an unsettled look in his eye. Or was it… maybe wistfulness? It was the same look he often had when he talked about his mum.

  Perhaps seeing Fliss and Norman’s happiness reminded him of her deathbed confession that she’d never been in love. Poor lad. Nineteen was no age to lose a parent, especially when you only had one to lose. Will and Ash’s dad had disappeared from the scene before they were even born.

  At least the Barnes boys had always had each other. An only child herself, Robyn had often envied their close relationship. Her eye drifted to Ash, then darted away when she discovered he was looking at her again.

  When they’d finished getting everyone’s updates, Robyn banged her gavel.

  ‘Okay, a couple of bits of admin,’ she said. ‘I’ve planned a session on genealogy for us next month, then in March it’s Felicity’s suggestion: drawing. I’ve arranged for the lady who runs the art group here to give us a lesson. The only thing is, we need to provide our own materials and some easels. I don’t suppose anyone knows where you’d go about hiring that stuff?’

  Arty Johnson, who seemed to spend most of his time preoccupied with his feet, looked up.

  ‘I could sort those out,’ he said. ‘I’ve got a contact.’

  ‘Could you? We’d be very grateful.’

  Molly smiled. ‘Are you up to your old tricks, Arty Johnson?’

  For the first time since she’d seen him at the pensioners’ party, Robyn saw Arty smile.

  ‘All above board, Moll, I promise. My granddaughter works in an art supplies shop. I’m not the rogue I used to be, you know.’

  ‘Shame,’ Molly said with an arch look. ‘I rather liked you when you were a rogue.’

  ‘Okay, that’s fab, thanks Arty,’ Robyn said. ‘I’ll speak to the instructor and be in touch about what we need. Right, the last thing is the seaside trip I’ve arranged for the first weekend in Feb. There will be risky activities, s
ailing and powerboating, so I’ve got consent forms for those who’re coming.’ She nodded to a stack in the middle of the table. ‘Just fill one in and sign before you go, then hand it back to me.’ She banged her hammer again. ‘All right, ladies first, so Jane, Molly, Fliss, Linda and Carolyn, please go up for your massages. Everyone else, feel free to quaff tea and mingle until it’s your turn.’

  ‘Hey,’ Ash said, taking her elbow as she passed him.

  ‘What part of “stay the fuck out of my way” didn’t you understand, Ash?’ she said in a low voice.

  ‘I just wanted to say that you were amazing. I mean, the way you organised everyone. I never knew you could do stuff like that.’

  ‘Neither did I until recently. Funny what you find out about yourself when you—’ She stopped.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Rob, what? Did something happen while I was away?’

  ‘I told you, Ash, it’s nothing. Go socialise or whatever. I need a tea.’

  Ash watched her walk off, smiling slightly and biting his lip.

  He’d expected coldness, and a bit of name-calling was hardly surprising. That was okay. Will was right: he did have it coming, and in a way, it was kind of comforting. Robyn’s anger felt like a sort of purgatory stage, a necessary evil he needed to endure before they could move on.

  Actually, it was going better than he’d hoped. She hadn’t kicked him out of the group, or slapped him or anything like that. If he just played the long game, bided his time…

  Well, he could wait. She was worth it.

  Ash couldn’t believe he’d ever wanted to waste time with the Melindas of the world when there was Robyn Bloom. He must’ve been mad to let her go. That was actually what it had felt like, a sort of temporary madness. Cabin fever, where the cabin in question was his closeted, samey life. The house he’d grown up in, the girl he’d grown up next door to, the village he’d hardly ever left, even his brother – everything had started to feel so suffocatingly, oppressively familiar. And all he wanted now was that life he’d despised back again.

  Thank God he had Will. Without his brother to speak up for him, Robyn would probably have thrown him out on his arse tonight. Quite possibly after first following up on what she’d suggested he might want to do with his boomerang.

  Once the first group had finished their massages, it was the turn of the next set of participants: Ash, Will, the Brigadier, Arty and Cliff. Ash took off his T-shirt and claimed the mattress next to Will’s.

  ‘I’ve never had a massage before,’ he told the masseuse, Saria.

  ‘Well, there’s no need to be nervous,’ she said in a reassuring tone. ‘We’re offering a taster massage today – a ten-minute upper-body treatment, then five minutes of relaxation to finish. Just chill and enjoy it.’

  ‘Okay. Thanks.’

  ‘Right, I’m going to start on your back.’ She doused her hands in sweet-smelling oil and got to work.

  ‘Nice tattoo,’ she said as she rubbed soft, supple hands over his body. ‘It looks new, is it?’

  ‘Quite new,’ he murmured. ‘I got it while I was travelling in Australia. It’s an Aboriginal spirit totem.’

  ‘I should’ve guessed your lovely tan didn’t come from this miserable little country,’ she said with a laugh, rubbing her fingers into his spine. ‘Okay, another two minutes and I’ll move on to your shoulders.’

  She spent some time easing the knots from his shoulders with firm fingertips. Ash let his eyes fall closed. He’d been a bit anxious about the idea of a stranger having such intimate access to his body: in fact, if he hadn’t been so desperate to see Robyn, he’d probably have given this session a miss. But Saria was very professional – no different than a barber or a dentist really – and he had to admit, the massage felt amazing.

  ‘How’s that? Feel good?’ Saria asked, as if reading his thoughts.

  ‘Yeah.’ Ash let out a deep sigh, feeling the tension disappear from his muscles. ‘Can’t believe I never tried this before.’

  ‘That’s what this group’s all about, isn’t it? Trying new things. I’ll give you my card, then if you want to you can book a regular session at the spa.’

  ‘That sounds good.’

  She stopped to rub more oil on her hands and went to work on his lower back. Ash moaned softly.

  ‘Right, all done,’ she said after a bit. ‘Now, don’t move for the next five minutes. You need to let your body relax for a while to get the full benefit.’

  ‘Okay. Thanks, Saria.’

  Ash couldn’t remember when he’d been so relaxed. His body felt weightless, a numb euphoria permeating his muscles. He stretched out on the mattress and let the sensation envelop him.

  ‘All right, that’s it for this group,’ he heard Robyn announce after a little time had passed. ‘Up you get, boys. Let the next lot have their turn.’

  Ash started to push himself up. Then his eyes widened and he sank back against the mattress.

  ‘Will!’ he hissed to his brother on the bed next to his.

  Will had sat up and was towelling off his oil-covered body. ‘What?’

  ‘Lend us your jumper, can you?’

  ‘Why, you cold?’

  ‘Come on, I’ll give it you back in a bit. You’ve got a T-shirt, you don’t need it.’

  ‘Why do you need my jumper?’

  ‘To tie around my waist.’

  Will stared at him. Then he burst out laughing. ‘You’ve got to be kidding me.’

  ‘What, you haven’t got one?’

  ‘No I haven’t. Which I think is pretty impressive, given I’ve been significantly more sex-deprived than you recently.’

  ‘Look, it’s a natural response, okay? Just give us the jumper.’

  ‘Everyone else seems to be fine,’ Will said, glancing at the old men getting to their feet around them.

  ‘Oh yeah, the little blue pill brigade. I can’t help being virile, can I?’

  ‘Full or a semi?’

  ‘Full.’ He shrugged when Will shook his head. ‘What? It was a good massage.’

  ‘All right, here.’ Will chucked him the jumper. ‘What’re you going to do about it then?’

  ‘Hide in the Gents and think about grouting or something until it goes down, I suppose.’ He glanced at Robyn. ‘Can you distract Rob while I sneak off? If she sees me in this state, my plan’s dead in the water.’

  Will sighed. ‘The things I do for you.’

  Leaving Ash to strategically position his jumper, Will joined Robyn by the kitchen hatch.

  ‘Hiya,’ she said. ‘How did you find that then?’

  ‘Good. Very relaxing.’

  ‘Me, El and Frey are off to the pub afterwards for a post-massage pint, if you fancy joining us.’

  ‘No, I’d better not.’

  She frowned at Ash, scuttling crab-like across the back of the room while holding on to the sleeves of Will’s jumper. ‘What’s up with him?’

  ‘He, er… needs to answer an urgent call of nature.’

  ‘Right,’ she said. ‘So, pub. Come on, you can manage a quick one, surely.’

  ‘I can’t go without Ash, Robyn. You must know that.’

  ‘Why? You did before.’

  ‘Yeah, when he was away. I can’t just send him home while I’m off socialising with the people who used to be his mates, can I?’

  ‘I don’t see why not. If he’s not invited any more, that’s his fault.’ She held up a hand as he opened his mouth to protest. ‘Yeah, I know, he’s your brother, et cetera, et cetera.’

  ‘Sorry. Wish I could.’

  Winnie came over to hand in his form for the seaside trip.

  ‘Thanks,’ Robyn said.

  ‘No problem.’

  He turned to go. Robyn glanced at the form and caught him by the elbow.

  ‘Hey,’ she said. ‘Is that really your middle name?’

  ‘Yeah, Clarence. Born under an unlucky star, right?’

  ‘But El said – I mea
n, I’d heard it was Jonathan.’

  He smiled. ‘You seriously think that after inflicting the name Winston on me, my parents were going to let me get away with a Jonathan?’

  ‘Didn’t you tell Eliot that was your middle name?’

  ‘Maybe I did.’ He looked over to where Eliot was having his massage. ‘I really like your friend, Robyn.’

  ‘Then why lie to him?’

  ‘Oh, come on. Facial tic, really? Every time he says my name, he pulls that face. Giving him a get-out seemed like the least I could do.’ He shrugged. ‘Anyway, I’ve always fancied being a Jonny. Or bloody anything that wasn’t a Winnie.’

  She laughed. ‘Ah. I see.’

  ‘Are you going to tell on me?’

  She patted his arm. ‘Secret’s safe with me, Jonny.’

  When he’d gone, Will smiled at her. ‘The things people do for love.’

  ‘Sweet, isn’t it? Oh.’ She took something from her handbag and handed it to him. ‘I whittled you a present. You’re welcome.’

  He held the little wooden… thing up and blinked at it.

  ‘Er, thanks,’ he said. ‘What is it, a fertility symbol?’

  ‘It was going to be a toy soldier, but it went a bit… phallic.’

  ‘You can say that again.’ He tucked it in his pocket. ‘Better not show it to our Ash,’ he muttered.

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘So you don’t think I’m going to make it as Kettlewick’s chief willy-whittler then?’

  He smiled. ‘I wouldn’t give up the day job.’

  She squeezed his arm. ‘Come to the pub with us, Will. I like having you around.’

  ‘I told you, Bloom. I can’t, not without Ash.’

  She sighed. ‘Bloody Ash. I wish he’d stayed in Australia.’

  ‘We’ll still see plenty of each other.’ He gestured around the room. ‘Now we’ve got this to run.’

  ‘Suppose so.’

  ‘Right, I’m going to find my brother and see if he’s, er… recovered.’ He bent to kiss her cheek. ‘See you later, Bloomy.’

  It was a good thing she couldn’t see his anguished expression as he turned away, or guess the real reason he’d decided it would be wise to keep his friend and neighbour at arm’s length for a bit. He’d only admitted it to himself in the days following that wonderful Christmas they’d shared. But Will knew, now, that his feelings for Robyn Bloom were a lot more complicated than he’d been trying to make himself believe.