The Never Have I Ever Club

by Mary Jayne Baker

  13

  Ash examined his topless reflection in the mirror.

  He certainly had the right complexion for a trip to the British coast. His torso was so pasty now his tan had worn off, he looked like an undercooked chicken fillet.

  ‘Will!’ he called out, banging his palm against the wall between his room and his brother’s. ‘Can you come look at something?’

  Shortly afterwards, Will appeared.

  ‘Jesus, Ash.’ He shielded his eyes. ‘I’ve just eaten, mate.’

  ‘You’re only slagging yourself off when you insult me, you know.’

  ‘Well, not quite, eh?’ Will gave his brother’s bare stomach a pat. ‘Someone’s been going a bit heavy on the craft ales since they got home, haven’t they?’

  Ash glanced down, frowning. ‘Are you suggesting I’ve got a tummy?’

  ‘No. I’m just saying that if you were to oil up and lie on your back, you’d make a cracking dry ski slope for Borrowers.’

  Ash turned to one side. He sucked in, then breathed out again.

  ‘Oh God, you’re right, I’ve gone convex,’ he said in horror. ‘It must’ve been those chippy teas.’

  Will laughed. ‘Ash, I’m winding you up. You look fine.’

  Ash rested a hand on his stomach. ‘Are you sure? Because the last thing I can get away with right now is a gut. I need to be at peak sexiness if I’m going to convince Rob to give me another chance.’

  ‘Look, forget I said anything. I was only teasing.’

  Ash sighed as he glanced at his reflection again. ‘Look at the state of me though. I look like you.’

  ‘Well, yeah. That’s been a given since conception.’

  ‘I mean, I’m the same colour as you. It’s depressing.’

  Will shrugged as he took a seat on the bed. ‘So get a spray tan.’

  ‘Are you kidding? A natural one I can get away with. Rob’d take the piss forever if I showed up looking like I’d just stepped out of TOWIE.’

  ‘Is that why you demanded my urgent and immediate presence then? To give an honest assessment of how you look in the raw?’

  ‘No. I want your advice on the next phase of my plan.’

  ‘What is the next phase?’

  ‘A gesture,’ Ash said, looking determined.

  Will frowned. ‘That sounds ominously vague. What sort of gesture?’

  ‘A dead romantic one, that’s what sort.’

  ‘What’re you going to do, swing in through her window with a box of Milk Tray?’

  ‘Better. Here, check these out.’ He handed Will an envelope.

  Will opened it and stared at the contents. ‘Tickets to New York! You’re not jetting off again already?’

  ‘Only for a week’s mini-break. I’m taking Robyn.’

  ‘What, she’s said she’ll go to New York with you?’

  ‘Don’t be daft. I’ve been home six weeks and the most she’s said to me is “stay the fuck out of my way”, unless you count assorted threats to insert things into me.’

  And even that was an improvement on the straight-out blanking he tended to get when he saw her out in the village. At least it was some sort of interaction, even if all she was doing was swearing at him.

  Like when he’d bumped into her yesterday. Well, not bumped into her exactly: more waited outside the museum until she got off work so he could pretend to be casually sauntering to Cockburn’s for a paper. But the only response he’d got to his cheery ‘good afternoon’ was a murderous look, then she’d quickly crossed to the other side of the road.

  ‘Let’s face it, Will, I’m getting nowhere with her.’ Ash took the plane tickets from his brother. ‘So I’m making a gesture, like the lads in the films. I told you, it always works if you can get them up the Empire State Building. I’m going to ask her today in Whitby.’

  ‘Look. Kid.’ Will stood up and rested his hands on his brother’s shoulders. ‘I’d like to give you some fraternal advice here. Will you listen?’

  ‘Sure, what is it?’

  ‘Ashley, I’m begging you not to do this thing. Please.’

  Ash frowned. ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because… because you’ll undo all your good work. It’s too soon for mini-breaks to New York and Empire State Buildings and all that Hollywood bullshit.’

  ‘What good work? She’ll barely speak to me.’

  ‘I’m deadly serious, Ash. Something as big as this, now, it’s just going to piss her off.’

  ‘You really think so?’

  ‘I do. Bide your time, mate. Don’t rush things. Let’s see how it goes on the trip today, eh?’

  ‘But what can I do? I need to break the stalemate.’

  Will pondered the options.

  ‘Just be sweet to her,’ he said. ‘Make her laugh – you used to be good at that. You’ll be at the seaside, riding the open waves: the perfect setting for getting her in a benevolent mood. Let me set up a few opportunities to make you look good, then bring her a 99 or something. Make it salted caramel, that’s her favourite.’

  ‘And you definitely think that’s better than inviting her to New York? I thought girls loved big, expensive gestures like that.’

  ‘Not all girls are the same, you know. This is Robyn,’ he said, smiling slightly. ‘Anyway, you want your focus to be on making friends again before you start hitting her with romantic gestures. Trust me, bruv, at this stage it’s salted caramel all the way.’

  *

  Robyn stood outside the village hall, gazing adoringly at the twelve-seater minibus she’d hired to take those members of the group who’d signed up for it to Whitby.

  ‘You see that little beauty?’ she said to Freya and Eliot, pointing at it. ‘I hired that. Me.’

  ‘We are mightily impressed,’ Eliot said. ‘How’d you do it?’

  ‘Well, I just googled local minibus hire companies and rang up the top-rated one. Which I admit doesn’t sound like much. But I did get the bloke to give me a ten per cent discount.’

  ‘Yeah? How?’

  ‘I said, “Can I have a ten per cent discount?” and he said, “Oh, go on then.”’

  ‘Wow. Did you give yourself a sticker?’

  ‘I gave myself the best sticker, El. The one shaped like a strawberry that says Fresh and Fruity! on it.’

  ‘Aww,’ Freya said, sticking out her lip. ‘I was after one of those.’

  ‘Well when you’ve earned it with your top-notch business acumen, you can have one. But for now, only I may be fresh and fruity.’

  Robyn felt a tap on her shoulder and turned to find the Barnes twins behind her.

  ‘Oh, it’s you two. Hiya, Will, nice to see you.’ She gave him a kiss on the cheek, then glared at his brother. ‘And Ash. You are also here.’

  Will smiled. ‘Come on, stop trying so hard to hate him. He helped make the packed lunches, didn’t he? Even though you know egg mayonnaise makes him gag.’

  ‘Hmm. Suppose.’

  ‘Anything else I can to do to help, Rob?’ Ash asked. ‘Seriously, anything. I’m more than happy.’

  ‘Yeah. Stay the—’

  ‘Stay the fuck out of your way,’ he muttered. ‘Yeah, I remember that one.’

  Will wandered off to inspect the bus.

  ‘Hey, this looks good,’ he said. ‘Did you hire it yourself, Bloomy?’

  ‘Yep,’ she said, puffing herself up. ‘And I got us a ten per cent discount just by being awesome.’

  ‘Impressive.’ He peered in at a window. ‘Er, where’s the loo?’

  She blinked. ‘Loo?’

  ‘It is the kind that has a chemical toilet, isn’t it?’

  ‘I don’t know, I never asked. I didn’t know you could get them with chemical toilets.’

  He moved to the front to look through the windscreen. ‘It isn’t. For God’s sake, now what’re we supposed to do?’

  ‘Come on, Will. You can hold it till the services, can’t you?’

  ‘Bloom, we’re taking pensioners aged seventy-plus all the wa
y to Whitby through mostly open countryside. What about Arty Johnson’s dicky bladder?’

  ‘Well… I could fetch some jam jars.’

  He raised an eyebrow. ‘Seriously? You expect us to drive ninety miles in a bus filled with jars of piss?’

  ‘Um, yes?’

  ‘And what about the women? They’re unlikely to be keen on trying to wee into a jar in front of a load of fellers. Not to mention issues relating to aim, moving buses and the North York Moors.’

  ‘Then we’ll just have to make frequent stops, won’t we? There’ll be bushes. Stop making problems, Will.’

  ‘It’ll take us forever to get to Whitby if we have to keep stopping.’

  ‘Look, I didn’t see you volunteering to hire the bloody minibus,’ she said, folding her arms.

  Freya grinned. ‘Seems like you’re going to have to give back that Fresh and Fruity sticker, Rob.’

  ‘It’s not her fault,’ Ash said. ‘Come on, as if any of you guys would’ve thought of that.’

  ‘Well I obviously did,’ Will said.

  ‘Yeah, because you’re a doctor and obsessed with bodily functions. If you’re such an expert in minibus facilities, why didn’t you mention it to Rob before she booked?’

  ‘I thought it would’ve been obvious.’

  Ash looked round them all. ‘Who here thinks it was obvious? Raise your hands.’

  Will put his hand up. Robyn, Eliot and Freya just shrugged.

  ‘Oh, come on,’ Will said. ‘Seriously, it didn’t occur to any of you?’

  ‘Nope,’ Robyn said. ‘Ash is right: you’re thinking with your doctor head on. And you can stop trying to take the shine off my lovely hired minibus that I’m so very proud of, thank you, Will Barnes.’ She spotted a woman approaching them. ‘Ah, here’s the driver. I’ll let her know about the frequent stops.’

  ‘Thanks for that,’ Ash muttered to Will when she was out of earshot. ‘Can you even get them with loos built in?’

  ‘How should I know?’ He glanced at Robyn. ‘Anyway, it worked, I think. She seemed to appreciate you taking her side.’

  ‘She didn’t say anything to me though.’

  ‘No, but she equally didn’t tell you to sod off. Like I said, bide your time. You’ll have plenty of it – we’re going to be stuck on this bus for at least three hours.’

  *

  The minibus finally pulled into the coach park in Whitby and Ash staggered off.

  ‘How come you suddenly get travel sick?’ Will asked.

  ‘I think it was the smell of those egg sandwiches,’ he muttered, resting his sweat-beaded forehead against the bus.

  ‘Well, you’d better recover yourself quick. We’ve got sailing now.’

  ‘Oh God.’ Ash turned an even more vibrant shade of green. ‘This is your fault, Will.’

  ‘Me? How is it my fault?’

  ‘You were the one who suggested a singsong. Even though you know Mrs Jeffries is a Cliff Richard fan. Seriously, why would you do that?’

  Will shrugged. ‘I thought it’d get everyone in the holiday mood.’

  ‘Well you were wrong, because it’s made me bloody miserable for the past three hours. Turns out Cliff Richard makes me want to chuck.’

  ‘Oh, don’t exaggerate.’

  ‘Who’s exaggerating? And those filthy army drinking songs Felicity Heath picked up from somewhere! I mean, I like to think I’m a man of the world, but bloody hell.’

  ‘They were a bit… anatomical, weren’t they?’

  ‘Never heard language like it.’ Ash glanced at the Victoria Hotel, a little distance away on the seafront. ‘I’ll tell you what I need.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘A drink. Something to settle my stomach.’

  ‘You really think that’ll help? You’ll be on the open ocean in a minute, Ash.’

  Ash gripped his throat as he was hit by another wave of nausea. ‘Oh no, not a chance. If I sail, I’ll throw up, and if I throw up, all my sexual allure’s gone. I’m going to hole up in the pub.’

  ‘You sure? Lots of opportunities to get Robyn talking to you on a boat out at sea.’

  ‘And lots of opportunities for me to ruin everything by vomming all over her. No, I’ll go recover over a something and soda then catch up with you after.’

  ‘Hmm. I’d make it a nothing and soda if I were you.’

  ‘Nah, alcohol’s a muscle relaxant, isn’t it? It’ll stop my stomach lining jumping about so much.’

  ‘And here was me thinking I was the one with a degree in medicine.’

  ‘Just one drink,’ Ash said. ‘I might be able to relax and be a bit charming then. I feel so on edge around Rob at the moment.’

  Robyn came over and clapped her hands at them. ‘All right, Sweet Valley, come join the others. The sailing instructor’s waiting.’

  ‘I’m going to give sailing a miss,’ Ash said. ‘I’m… not feeling too good. I’ll wait in the pub.’

  She shrugged. ‘Well, I’d say you’d be missed but I’m not that good a liar. Come on then, Dr Barnes.’

  Will made to follow her, but Ash grabbed his arm.

  ‘Keep her sweet,’ he muttered. ‘Build me up a bit, get her ready.’

  ‘I’ll do what I can, Ash.’

  14

  At the yachting club, they were greeted by a man with huge beetling eyebrows that looked like they’d been borrowed from a 1980s cabinet minister.

  Robyn stepped forward to shake his hand. ‘Bernard Thompson?’

  ‘That’s right.’ Bernard’s craggy face broke into a smile. ‘And you must be the young lady I’ve been speaking to on the phone, Ms Bloom.’

  ‘The very same.’ She gestured around their group of ten. ‘There were five of us for yachting but I’m afraid we’ve lost one to travel sickness. The other six are for the powerboating experience.’

  ‘Okay, yachters follow me. Powerboaters, one of my colleagues will be with you shortly.’

  Robyn, Will, Felicity and the Brigadier followed Bernard to a fine-looking blue and white yacht, its double sail standing tall against a stiff ocean breeze. The writing on the side announced that its name was the Carpe Diem.

  ‘I thought you lot would like to go out in this one,’ Bernard said, grinning.

  Robyn nudged the Brigadier. ‘So, Captain, does the Carpe Diem pass muster?’

  ‘Oh, she’s a beauty, all right,’ the old man said, holding the yacht in a reverent gaze. ‘Yar, very yar.’

  ‘He’s been reading up on nautical terms, daft old sod,’ Felicity whispered to Robyn.

  ‘Well, it’s his day today. Although I must say, I’m looking forward to being out at sea. Even more now I won’t have to put up with Ash making cow eyes at me.’

  ‘I hope he’s okay,’ Will said. ‘He really didn’t look well.’

  ‘He’ll be fine once he’s let his stomach settle. Stop worrying about him and enjoy yourself.’ Robyn nodded to Bernard. ‘Okay, Mr Thompson, where do you want us?’

  *

  At the bar of the Victoria Hotel, Ash was finishing his whisky and soda.

  He glanced at his watch. One o’clock. The sailing session was booked until four. After that the plan was to let everyone amuse themselves for a couple of hours, then meet up for a fish and chip tea at The Magpie before heading home.

  He was hoping he’d find an opportunity to fall into conversation with Robyn at some point, maybe try the ice cream thing Will had suggested. Although he still wasn’t convinced a big gesture wouldn’t be better. Tickets to New York: who turned their nose up at that? If nothing else, it’d show how invested he was in this. In her.

  ‘Another, sir?’ the barman said, sweeping away his empty glass.

  Ash hesitated. He still felt queasy, but despite Will’s warnings, the numbing softness of the whisky did seem to be helping. Not only with his travel sickness, but with his Robyn-related nerves too. He needed to be relaxed if he was planning to launch a full-on charm offensive with her later.

  ‘Yeah, go on,’
he said. ‘Just one more.’

  *

  Felicity smiled fondly as she, Robyn and Will watched the Brigadier steer the Carpe Diem out to sea under the patient tutelage of Bernard Thompson. The old man’s eyes glowed with pleasure, like the boy he’d never stopped being in his heart.

  ‘I reckon the Brigadier might have to become the Admiral at this rate,’ Will said.

  ‘It’s good to see the old fool happy,’ Felicity said. ‘Thanks for organising this for him, you two.’

  ‘Have you guys fixed a wedding date yet?’ Robyn asked.

  ‘Yes, thirteenth of April. I’ll be a spring bride.’

  ‘So soon? Two months isn’t long to organise everything.’

  Felicity shrugged. ‘Why waste time? That’s the spirit of the club, isn’t it? We never know how much we might have to spare.’ She got up from the bench they were sharing. ‘Right, I’m going to watch. If Norman’s planning on taking this up as a hobby, I suppose I ought to learn the ropes too.’ She smiled. ‘Like a good little wifey, eh? Never thought I’d hear myself say that.’

  When she’d gone to join her fiancé, Robyn waved a hand in front of Will’s face.

  ‘Are you okay? You seem spaced.’

  ‘Hmm?’ He pulled his gaze from Felicity and the Brigadier. ‘Oh. Sorry, miles away.’

  ‘So I’m still waiting for my apology.’

  He frowned. ‘From me? What for?’

  ‘For picking on me about the minibus,’ she said, crossing her arms. ‘I was dead proud of sorting it out, you know.’

  ‘I didn’t mean to be a twat about it. I just—’

  ‘Yeah, I know what you just. You were deliberately rough on me to give Ash a chance to come to my rescue, weren’t you?’

  ‘What? No.’

  ‘Like hell. Come on, Will.’

  He sighed. ‘All right, maybe a bit.’

  ‘Well you can stop that right now,’ she said with a stern frown. ‘I won’t be manipulated. And while I understand that you love your brother no matter how much of a bellend he is, I don’t appreciate being conspired at.’