The Never Have I Ever Club

by Mary Jayne Baker

  ‘We weren’t trying to manipulate you. Ash just wants to show you he’s sorry.’ He turned to face her. ‘Won’t you talk to him?’

  ‘No I won’t. I can’t believe the deluded bastard thinks he’s got even the remotest chance of getting me back.’

  ‘He just wants to make friends again. He misses you, Bloom.’

  ‘And what about you?’ she said, meeting his eyes.

  ‘What about me?’

  ‘Do you miss me? Because I’ve barely seen you since Christmas.’

  He flushed. ‘I know, sorry. Things’re more complicated now Ash is home.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I can’t leave him on his own to go hang out with you, can I? Especially not when he’s…’

  ‘When he’s what?’

  ‘When he’s… lonely, I guess,’ Will said, sighing. ‘I’m worried about him, Bloom. All the stuff he’s done recently, with you and Melinda, running off to the other side of the world. It’s not like him.’

  She snorted. ‘Are you kidding? Selfish, impulsive, irresponsible – yep, that’s Ash.’

  ‘Not like this. He’s always been impulsive, yeah, but this is off the scale. He chucked everything away like he was on a mission to systematically dismantle his life. It was almost obsessive, the way he pursued first the trip to Australia and then Melinda. Obsession immediately followed by boredom. Head over heels in love with her one minute, dumping her the next. Determined he wanted to travel for a year or more, on a plane home seven months later. And now with—’ He stopped. ‘It feels like he’s bouncing between extremes, and I’m not sure how to help him. I’m hoping it’s just a bad reaction to getting older that’ll burn itself out.’

  ‘You really think that’s what’s behind it?’

  ‘It must be.’ He looked at her. ‘Mum was only five years older than we are now when she got her diagnosis, Robyn. It’s been on my mind too, if I’m honest. Stands to reason if I’ve been thinking about it, so has he.’

  ‘Oh.’ She rested her hand against his momentarily. ‘Sorry, Will. I never thought of that.’

  ‘Why would you?’ He sighed. ‘It was harder for Ash than me. Coping with the loss. I’m not sure he ever properly worked through his grief.’

  ‘He never was as strong as you.’

  ‘He could’ve been. One of us had to be the adult, and I was strong so Ash didn’t need to be. Always playing the big brother.’ He fell silent, looking out over the ocean as the boat rocked gently back and forth. ‘That wasn’t what I meant though.’

  ‘What did you mean?’

  ‘Look, I don’t want to sound like I’m speaking ill of her. But our mum… she never did treat us quite the same.’

  Robyn took his hand.

  ‘You think she loved Ash more than you?’ she said softly.

  ‘I don’t know. She’d have been fierce if anyone had suggested it – you know what she was like. But it felt that way, growing up.’

  ‘How come?’

  ‘I’m not sure when I noticed it first,’ he murmured, talking half to himself. ‘When we were very small, I think. We were alike, naturally, but I was always that bit quieter, more serious. Ash was just Ash – unsquashable, full of bounce and play.’ He smiled sadly. ‘Maybe that was it. Ash was easier to love.’

  ‘Don’t talk daft.’

  ‘You loved him, didn’t you?’

  ‘Yeah, but not because it was easy. You of all people should know how often loving Ash is bloody hard work.’ She squeezed his hand. ‘And you can stop with the “think I’ll go and eat worms” routine. Lots of people love you. Your brother, for a start – maybe even more than he loves himself, which is saying something. So do your family, and your friends. So do I, Will.’

  Will smiled. ‘Thanks, Bloomy. Good to know I don’t need to sign up for the all-worm diet yet.’ He looked out over the foaming waves again. ‘Anyway, I think that might be part of what’s behind his behaviour. Ash had more love to lose so he felt Mum’s loss more keenly. And lately it seems like he’s kicking back against that old grief, his own feelings of mortality, even to the point of pushing away the people who care about him most. He ditched me to go travelling too, don’t forget.’

  ‘He knows you’ll always be there waiting for him though. You weren’t traded in for a newer-model brother more than ten years younger than you, were you?’

  ‘Still, I was hurt when he just packed his bags and fucked off like that. And when he started talking about moving over there permanently so he could be with Melinda…’ He pressed her hand and let it drop. ‘I wouldn’t take it personally, Robyn. I don’t think it ever was about you – either of us.’

  The wind had picked up now they were further out to sea. Robyn shivered, wrapping her arms around herself.

  ‘Here.’ Will took off his lifejacket so he could remove his fleece for her.

  She smiled. ‘Thanks, Will, but it’s fine. I don’t want you to get cold.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’m wearing two jumpers. I actually put extra layers on knowing you and Ash wouldn’t be organised enough to wrap up properly.’

  She laughed and put on the fleece. ‘All right, if you’re sure you’re fully jumpered. I am freezing.’

  ‘So will you talk to Ash? I won’t say you’ve been too hard on him because you haven’t, but I do think it’s more complicated than we thought.’

  She sighed. ‘I don’t know, Will. I’m sorry if he’s struggling with things, but he caused me a lot of pain.’

  ‘I know. But just give him a chance, eh? It’d be great if you two could rebuild at least some of the friendship you once had. It’s a lot of years to just throw away.’

  She smiled. ‘And then would I get to see more of the other Barnes?’

  ‘I guess so, if I didn’t have to ditch Ash to spend time with you. From a strictly selfish point of view, you guys making up is very much in my best interests.’

  ‘Then perhaps it’s worth doing.’ She leaned over to kiss his cheek. ‘You’re a good brother, Will Barnes – better than he deserves. Okay, for you I’ll talk to him.’

  ‘Thanks, Bloomy. I knew you were too much of a solid gold human being to hate him forever.’ Will frowned. ‘Hey, can you hear that?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Sounds like… Lulu. Is that “Boom Bang A Bang”?’

  ‘Oh! That’s my ringtone.’ She fished out her smartphone.

  He laughed. ‘You and your bloody Eurovision. Who is it?’

  Robyn glanced at the screen. ‘The lady who’s running our drawing session next month, Margery. I asked her to give me a call about what equipment we’ll need.’ She swiped to answer.

  ‘Margery, hi,’ she said. ‘You got my message.’

  ‘I did, thank you.’

  ‘So what do we need to sort out for your session?’

  ‘My group can provide up to ten easels, but the remainder you’ll need to borrow or hire. A sketchpad per participant – I’d recommend A2 size,’ Margery said. ‘And a good-quality set of graphite pencils, 9B through H. One set between two should be enough. That’s it.’ She laughed. ‘I mean, other than a model, obviously.’

  Robyn blinked. ‘Model? A person, you mean?’

  ‘Well, yes. Don’t you have one lined up?’

  ‘I thought we’d be using a bowl of fruit or something.’

  ‘Dear, I teach life drawing. I thought you knew that.’

  ‘Oh God, do you?’ She glanced at Will. ‘Er, would that be life in the, er, Biblical sense?’

  ‘If you mean do we draw nudes, then yes, ideally. It is supposed to be a study of the human form, you know.’

  ‘Right. Right.’ Robyn gazed over the ocean to the silhouette of Whitby Abbey high on a clifftop, her brow puckering in thought. ‘Well, I guess we’ll be able to find someone. Thanks, Margery.’ She hung up.

  ‘So are we all sorted?’ Will asked.

  She turned to flash him her sweetest smile. ‘William, darling.’

  He shuffled away from her along the
bench. ‘Bloom, I don’t like that look in your eye.’

  ‘What look?’

  ‘Like a hungry piranha in its best lipstick. Why are you eyeing me like a piece of meat?’

  ‘I need a favour.’ She shuffled close to him again. ‘It’ll be very tastefully done, I promise. You’ll be just like Michelangelo’s David, only better endowed.’

  ‘Okay, what’re you talking about?’

  ‘I’m asking you first, Will, as the finest specimen of manhood in the whole village. I hope you appreciate what a compliment that is.’

  ‘Oh, no.’ He folded his arms. ‘You want me to let that lot draw me starkers, don’t you? Not a chance.’

  ‘Aww, come on, it’ll be liberating. Another thing to tick off your bucket list.’

  ‘Getting my tackle out for a load of pensioners isn’t exactly swimming with dolphins, Bloom. Why don’t you do it?’

  ‘Because I’m not as aesthetically pleasing as you.’ She patted his leg. ‘Come on. You’re too beautiful to keep such a top physique to yourself.’

  ‘Yeah, nice try, love. Anyway, I can’t do it. It’d be against the ethics of my profession.’

  ‘You made that up.’

  ‘Yes it would. Some of those people are my patients. How can I look them in the eye during appointments if they’ve seen me naked?’

  ‘You get to see them naked sometimes, don’t you? It might help put them at their ease. Anyway, there is no clause in the Hippocratic oath that says, “Thou shalt not take thy clothes off for the village art group.”’

  ‘Well it’s still tough luck because I’m not doing it. Sorry, Bloom.’

  ‘Ugh. Fine. I’ll have a crack at Eliot then.’

  15

  When the boating sessions were finished, Robyn dismissed the group to enjoy themselves as they saw fit for a couple of hours before they met up for fish and chips at six.

  ‘That was fun,’ Robyn said as she and Will strolled along the promenade, breathing in the fresh salt air. ‘Hey, it was a good idea, this group.’

  ‘She said with no trace of smugness.’

  ‘I’m entitled. When was the last time you had an idea this shizzle? I’ll tell you: never.’

  ‘The Brigadier certainly seemed to enjoy himself,’ Will said, nodding to the old man walking arm in arm with Felicity a few paces ahead.

  ‘Oh yeah, that reminds me.’ Robyn jogged over to the Brigadier. ‘Hey, soon-to-be Uncle Norman. Got something for you.’

  ‘Eh? Something for me?’ he sputtered.

  ‘Yep.’ She took a small felt patch from her pocket. ‘You earned this today.’

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘Your Sailing Skills badge. I made it for you.’

  The Brigadier took the patch and examined the colourful sailing boat on the front. ‘Did you really make this, young lady? Very good. Very professional.’

  ‘Yep,’ she said, beaming. ‘I’m not much of a crocheter, or a whittler either, but turns out I’m not bad at felting.’

  ‘Reminds me of my days in the Boy Scouts.’ He shook her hand warmly. ‘Thank you, my dear, I’ve had a simply splendid day.’

  ‘I’m glad it lived up to expectations.’

  ‘It certainly did. Nor will it be the last time, now I’ve got my sea legs.’ He stretched an arm around Felicity. ‘Come on, old girl, let’s wander in the direction of a hostelry. I feel the need for something bracing after our day riding the ocean waves, don’t you?’

  Felicity smiled. ‘Norman, my love, you read my mind.’

  When they’d disappeared, Robyn linked her arm through Will’s and guided him towards a bandstand area to examine some little stalls. He cast a wary glance at the arm threaded through his. The rest of the group had dispersed now to explore the seafront, leaving the pair of them alone, and being alone with Robyn was something he needed to try and avoid wherever possible. Their tête-à-tête on the yacht had been bad enough.

  God but it had been wonderful though, he thought, smiling as he watched her examining a stand selling inflatable whales, buckets and spades and other colourful seaside tat. He’d missed her over the past month while he’d been trying to stay out of her way, and today had been… just perfect, really. Too perfect. That way danger lay. If Ash realised that his brother loved Robyn too—

  Whoa. He blinked, shocked by his own confession. Where the hell had that come from? All right, yes, he did love Robyn; he always had. As a friend, obviously. He cared about her a lot, and okay, just recently that had become more complicated when he’d realised his feelings weren’t quite as platonic as he’d believed them to be. But as for love, the real kind… no. He didn’t feel that. He couldn’t.

  If he did, he’d be heading for heartbreak. There wasn’t a chance in hell there could be any happy ending in letting himself fall for Robyn. Even if she returned those feelings – and he was certain she’d never in her life thought about him that way – they couldn’t be together without alienating his brother. His brother who, for all his flaws and fuck-ups, Will loved to pieces. There was no one more important to him than Ash; no, not even Robyn Bloom.

  He tapped Robyn on the shoulder. ‘I’d better give our Ash a ring and let him know where we are.’

  She grimaced. ‘Ugh. Way to kill a fun day out, Will.’

  ‘Come on. You promised to be nice to him, remember?’

  She sighed. ‘Suppose I did. All right, go on.’

  He leant against the seafront railings to make the call while Robyn wandered off to a refreshment stand.

  ‘Hiya, bruv,’ he said when Ash picked up. ‘We’re on the promenade if you want to meet us. How’re you feeling?’

  ‘Better. Loads better.’

  He did sound better. Bright. Exuberant, even. In fact, he almost sounded…

  ‘Ash, are you drunk?’ Will whispered.

  ‘Tiny bit. Worth it though.’

  ‘What, you’ve stopped feeling sick?’

  ‘Yup, ’m on top of the world, I am, brother. I can do anything.’ Ash’s voice was thick, and unsettlingly cheerful. ‘Is my beautiful Robyn with you?’

  ‘Er, yeah. Ash, look—’

  ‘Where are you?’

  ‘By the bandstand.’ Will glanced at Robyn buying an ice cream. ‘Are you sure you want to talk to her now?’

  ‘Gonna talk to her. Gonna tell her… tell her everything. Did you butter her up like you promised?’

  ‘I convinced her she ought to hear what you’ve got to say. But Ash, you need to tread carefully. She’s willing to listen but she’s a long way from forgiving you.’

  ‘Aaaah, she’ll forgive me. She bloody loves me.’

  ‘Ash, mate, seriously—’ Will stopped when Robyn approached holding a couple of ice cream cornets. ‘Look, I can’t talk. Maybe you’d better wait by the bus.’

  He hung up.

  ‘I really like the seaside out of season,’ Robyn said, handing Will one of the 99s. ‘There’s a sort of romance in the wind and the cold and the bleakness of it. Plus, smaller queue for ice creams. How’s Ash? Still feeling sick?’

  ‘He said he felt better, but he sounded a bit, er, groggy. He might need to skip the chippy.’ Will looked at the ice cream in his hand. ‘What’s this?’

  ‘It’s a 99, thickie. Salted caramel – your favourite, right? Same as me.’

  ‘Oh. Yeah. Thanks, Bloomy.’ He squinted into the distance and groaned.

  ‘What?’

  ‘It’s Ash. I was hoping he’d take my advice and wait by the minibus.’ He turned to her. ‘Look, Robyn, he was just nervous. I told him I’d try and convince you to hear him out and I guess he felt the need for some… stimulus.’

  ‘Will, what’re you talking about?’ She peered at the swaying figure making its way towards them. ‘Oh Jesus. I see what you’re talking about.’

  ‘I’m so sorry.’

  ‘Don’t you dare apologise for him. He’s a grown man who knew exactly what he was doing.’ She curled her lip. ‘Christ, he can’t even walk straight. How mu
ch has he had?’

  ‘Please don’t be too hard on him. I told you, he’s having a rough time.’

  She shook her head. ‘You know, you almost had me believing that. All that stuff about your mum and how it affected him. But the truth is he’s a selfish, irresponsible prick, Will, who doesn’t deserve to have you constantly hauling him out of trouble he’s made for himself.’

  *

  Ash felt like he was walking on air as he made a beeline for Robyn and his brother.

  He’d lost track of the number of drinks he’d had in the pub. He’d started on whisky and soda, but after a couple of those he’d decided the fizz was having a bad effect on his coach-sickness. The last thing he wanted was to belch in Robyn’s face. So, he’d switched to drinking his whisky straight up.

  And he’d been so right. Why had he ever been tempted to listen to Will? A couple of drinks – all right, more than a couple, but he was a big boy, he could take it – had been exactly what he needed to take the edge off both his sickness and his nerves. Not only did he no longer feel sick: he felt ready for anything, fucking anything.

  And right now, in the booze-fogged world of Ash Barnes, ‘anything’ meant Robyn Bloom. He was going to march right up to her and tell her how he felt, and tonight she’d be back in his arms, guaranteed. They’d be happy again – perfectly happy, this time around. From now on, everything was going to be magic.

  Yeah, and screw Will anyway, he thought as he tripped over a seagull and very Britishly apologised to it. Always Mr bloody Caution. Bide your time, tread carefully, take it slow, blahdy blahdy blah. What did Will know about anything? He’d never been in love. If he had, he’d know this was no time for caution.

  Now wasn’t the time to hold back. It was the time for Ash to show Robyn just how much she meant to him. It was time for… a gesture.

  He beamed as he approached Robyn and Will. She was clutching an ice cream, looking… well, not all that pleased to see him, admittedly. Will obviously hadn’t been keeping his part of the bargain and sweetening her up. But she’d smile in a minute, when Ash gave his speech.

  ‘Robyn, darling, you gorgeous girl. Here I am.’ He threw himself forward to embrace her, then drew back with his jumper covered in ice cream.