The Never Have I Ever Club

by Mary Jayne Baker

  Will winced. ‘He’s sorry about the New York thing. You wouldn’t talk to him, and he was convinced a big romantic gesture would persuade you he was serious about you. I mean, it always works in the films.’

  ‘In films people aren’t generally shitfaced at the time.’

  ‘He was nervous. Haven’t you ever gone in for the old Dutch courage?’

  She thought back to the day of her doctor’s appointment, and the two glasses of wine she’d had beforehand to bolster her nerve.

  ‘Occasionally,’ she said. ‘But never to the point where I’ve declared undying love for my ex in front of a crowd of strangers.’

  ‘It’s easy to think “just one more” though, when you’re proper bricking it.’ Will dipped his head to look into her eyes. ‘He means it, Robyn. About still being in love with you.’

  ‘And I bet he meant it when he told Melinda the same thing. Right before he dumped her too, poor cow. I’m thinking of getting in touch and asking if she wants to start a “Screw You, Ash Barnes” club with me.’

  ‘Melinda was a mistake. She reminded him of his youth, I think, before he finally accepted he couldn’t just go back to being a twenty-something.’ He reached over to brush her hand. ‘You must know what it’s like. That fear of life passing you by and waking up one day in the same house, the same village you’ve lived in all your life, too old to do anything about it.’

  She sighed. ‘Yeah, I know. At least, I do since the health scare, and those few weeks when I was genuinely afraid I mightn’t be long for this world. But understanding on some level where Ash was coming from doesn’t make it any easier to forget the hurt he caused me.’

  Will was silent for a moment.

  ‘I guess it was a lot of worry, a scare like that,’ he said.

  ‘Worry? I barely slept the two weeks after that cervical exam. I mean, after what happened with your mum, I couldn’t help thinking… you know.’ She smiled. ‘Anyway, thanks for helping me through it. I’m glad Darya wasn’t available that afternoon now. You were great, Will, as a doctor and a friend.’

  ‘Um, you’re welcome.’

  ‘Did Ash ever tell you what made him do it? Drop everything and run off like that?’

  ‘Yeah, he told me. Sounds daft, but it was that AgeApp thing.’

  Robyn frowned. ‘AgeApp? You mean that viral Facebook bollocks where everyone was oldifying photos of themselves?’

  ‘Yeah. It was that night the two of you came back from Venice. Ash put his picture in and suddenly there was this wrinkled old man staring back at him. I mean, it was really realistic, Rob. And suddenly he’s overwhelmed by this feeling of time’s wingéd chariot getting right up his arse, in a blind panic about how long he might have left and all the things he ought to have done before he settled down. Perhaps if he hadn’t fallen so hard for you, it wouldn’t have freaked him out quite so much.’

  She snorted. ‘Yeah, very flattering. He didn’t think twice about chucking me away to pursue the other things he wanted more though, did he? Things like Melinda.’

  ‘I don’t think he was considering it as logically as that. It was like a fever, when the fear took over. Like a… I guess a sort of claustrophobia. He just wanted to fight his way out of the box he felt he was trapped in, to be free again.’ He looked at her. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never wanted that? To escape?’

  ‘Of course I’ve wanted it – everyone has. But I wouldn’t push away the people I love to do it.’

  ‘Like I said, he wasn’t thinking rationally.’

  ‘Aren’t you angry, Will? I know he hurt you when he left like that.’

  He blinked. ‘Hurt me?’

  ‘That’s what you said yesterday, isn’t it?’ She shook her head. ‘The number of times I’ve seen you put yourself in the firing line, even take an actual physical beating, to get that boy out of trouble he’s caused. I don’t know why you’re not as pissed off with him as I am.’

  Will was silent.

  ‘He’s had a hard time, Rob,’ he said at last.

  ‘Dwelling on your mum’s diagnosis?’ Robyn said softly.

  ‘Er, yeah. How did you know that’s what I meant?’

  She frowned. ‘Wasn’t that what you told me on the boat?’

  ‘Oh, right. Yes, so I did. I forgot we talked about that.’

  Robyn looked at him for a moment.

  ‘You know, you shouldn’t give your details to those Facebook app things,’ she said. ‘They’re just a front for data mining scams half the time.’

  ‘Bollocks, are they?’

  ‘Yeah. I’d think about updating your privacy settings if I were you, Ash.’

  ‘I will. Thanks.’

  She groaned and buried her face in her hands. ‘Oh my God.’ She laughed. ‘Oh my God.’

  ‘Shit,’ Ash muttered. ‘Look, Rob, don’t expl—’

  ‘You lying prick!’ She jumped to her feet. ‘Jesus, I thought yesterday was low, but this! What the fuck did you think you were playing at?’

  ‘Rob, listen. Can you just listen?’

  ‘I should’ve worked it out when you called me Rob. Will never calls me Rob. And you smell wrong.’

  Ash surreptitiously gave his armpit a sniff. ‘I smell all right, don’t I?’

  ‘You don’t smell like baby powder. You don’t smell like Will.’ She shook her head. ‘Of all the scummy tricks. Did your brother know you were doing this?’ She held her hand up. ‘Never mind, I’ll ask him myself. And if he didn’t, he’s probably going to be next in the queue to wring your neck.’

  ‘Rob, won’t you listen for a minute? I wanted to apologise, that’s all. I knew you wouldn’t talk to me so I pretended to be Will. But it was all me, everything I said. I really am sorry. I really do love you.’ He looked up at her. ‘We were having fun for a bit, weren’t we?’

  ‘Yes, Ash, because I thought you were somebody else! Somebody I actually like.’ She grabbed her handbag. ‘Enjoy your two sandwiches. And this time, please believe I mean every word when I tell you to stay the fuck away from me. Forever.’

  17

  ‘Hiya, bruv,’ Ash said when Will got home, poking his head through the kitchen door. ‘Good day at work? Do a lot of healing?’

  ‘Just routine really,’ Will said, taken aback by the uncharacteristic show of interest. ‘You’re over the hangover from hell then?’

  ‘Yeah, I feel much better.’

  Will sniffed the air. ‘Ash, what’s that incredible smell?’

  ‘Oh. It’s me.’ He laughed. ‘I mean, not literally. It’s the tea I’m making us. Decadent shepherd’s pie.’

  ‘Does that differ from regular shepherd’s pie?’

  ‘Well obviously, the clue’s in the name. There’s full-fat cream and mountains of butter in the mash, prime-cut lamb mince in the filling and the gravy’s nearly half red wine.’

  ‘That does sound decadent,’ Will said, taking a seat on the sofa. ‘What’s the fancy tea in aid of? I wasn’t expecting you to be up to eating proper food today, let alone cooking it.’

  ‘Well, you know. I felt bad about yesterday. Calling you Caution Boy was a dick move.’ He came into the living room and rested a hand on his brother’s shoulder. ‘So can I get you a drink, Will? Whisky, wine, beer?’

  Will shook his head. ‘This is scary now. Have you found Jesus or something?’

  ‘I don’t need an excuse to show my only brother I think he’s the mutt’s nuts, do I? Hey, you want Pringles as a starter? Because I got some for you.’

  ‘Ash, you’re freaking me out. What’s up? Have you been possessed by really lovely demons?’

  Ash grimaced. ‘Well, all right. There is something I need to confess.’

  ‘Okay,’ Will said, frowning. ‘What?’

  ‘Right, so today… well, all morning I’d been trying to work out how I could—’

  There was a knock at the front door.

  ‘Hang on, I’ll get it,’ Will said, standing up.

  ‘Er… do you have to? I want
to finish telling you my thing.’

  ‘We can’t just ignore it, can we? Tell me in a minute.’

  He went to answer it.

  ‘Robyn,’ he said, blinking. His neighbour was on the doorstep, looking seven shades of pissed off.

  ‘All right, which one are you?’ she demanded.

  ‘Eh? Will. Robyn, what—’

  ‘Prove it.’

  ‘Um, okay.’

  He rolled up his shirt sleeve so she could see his uninked upper arm.

  ‘Will.’ She let out a long breath. ‘For God’s sake, restore my faith in humanity and tell me you weren’t in on this whole thing.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Did you know you came to see me at work today?’

  ‘I’m sorry?’

  ‘Yep. Offered to buy me dinner.’ She laughed. ‘You felt really bad about Ash’s little performance yesterday. Couldn’t rest until you’d made it up to me on his behalf.’

  ‘I don’t…’

  ‘There’s been a Prime Directive breach, Will. You need to have a word with your brother. And you can tell him from me that if he ever, ever pulls a stunt like that again, he’ll be hunting for his balls in East Anglia.’

  ‘Robyn—’

  But she’d already marched off to her own house.

  When Will got back to the living room, Ash was standing by the sofa, looking guilty.

  ‘Well you did tell me to put my best face on,’ he said.

  ‘My face.’

  ‘I was only borrowing it. You borrow my stuff all the time.’

  Will cleared the room in three strides and pinned Ash to the wall by his shoulders.

  ‘You son of a bitch,’ he growled.

  ‘Will, please.’ Ash tried to extricate himself, but Will’s rage gave him the edge strength-wise and he couldn’t get free. ‘I didn’t want you to have to keep doing my dirty work for me, that’s all. I wanted to apologise myself.’

  ‘What’s our oldest pact, Ash? What’s the Prime Directive?’

  ‘Don’t impersonate each other,’ Ash muttered.

  ‘Then what the hell did you think you were playing at? It’s fucking identify theft! I could have you arrested.’

  ‘So call the cops. I didn’t tap your bank account, did I?’

  ‘That’d be a damn sight better than trying to con that poor lass into bed with you.’ He shook his head. ‘All this time, I’ve been trying to help you because I really believed you loved her. Ash, I could kill you!’

  Ash finally succeeded in getting free of Will’s grip and pushed him away.

  ‘I do love her.’

  ‘Right. You just don’t respect her.’

  ‘What do you know about how I feel?’ Ash demanded. ‘What do you know about love? You never felt it.’

  ‘I know that when you care about someone, you don’t lie to them or trick them.’

  ‘I had to do that to get her to listen. Anyway, it’s not like you’re so innocent, is it?’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘What’re these rumours she was talking about? You and her?’

  Will shook his head. ‘Seriously, that’s what you’re throwing back at me? They’re exactly that, Ash: rumours. The kind that tend to spring up around here when a single, straight, non-related man and woman spend Christmas together.’

  ‘Yeah, and I’m not bloody surprised either. You two are pretty touchy-feely for just mates, aren’t you? Linking arms and kissing and all that.’

  ‘You what? Ash, I wasn’t even there!’

  ‘But she didn’t seem to mind it when she thought I was you. What’s that all about, Will?’

  ‘I can’t believe you’re suddenly bothered about this. How long have me and her been friends? That’s the way things have always been.’

  ‘Hmm. It’s all a bit too coupley for my liking. And what about the cervical exam?’

  ‘The…’ Will laughed in disbelief. ‘You’re not serious. She talked about… Ash, do you understand what you’ve done?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You’ve tricked her into giving you confidential medical information, you utter bastard! Even you must get how wrong that is.’

  ‘I didn’t know she was going to start talking about it, did I?’

  ‘These things will happen when you take it into your head to impersonate the local doctor, Ash.’

  ‘I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to have you apologise for me after I’d fucked up yet again. I wanted to do it myself, from the heart.’ He pressed a fist to his chest. ‘I needed to explain what I was really feeling when I broke up with her. Only I knew she wouldn’t hear me out, so… I thought I’d give it a go in the third person.’

  ‘Ash, if you ever try something like that again, me and you are done, you hear me?’ Will gave him a shove. ‘I love you, but I fucking mean it. Done.’

  For a moment, there was silence between them.

  ‘So are you going to hit me?’ Ash asked in low voice.

  Will sighed. ‘No. I can’t bring myself to rearrange my beautiful face.’

  ‘I wish you would. If it’ll make things all right again.’

  Will shook his head. ‘You’re such a kid sometimes. You think you can just say sorry, take your punishment and that’s it, we’re back to normal.’

  ‘Can we be back to normal though? I know it was wrong, but I had the best motives.’

  ‘You were thinking about number one, as usual. You hurt me and you hurt Robyn, acted without even the most basic moral compass and very possibly broke a few laws. Ash, you’re lucky I’ll even still look at you.’

  ‘But I did make shepherd’s pie. And I got your favourite red wine, the expensive stuff you only drink on our birthday. Come on, be friends again.’ Ash held out a hand hopefully.

  Will gave a resigned sigh as he shook it. ‘Don’t think this means I’m not still pissed off.’

  ‘Can we sit down now? I don’t want to be backed up against the wall all night.’

  ‘Fine. You can get me a glass of that wine first though. And you’re on servant duty for at least three months, I hope you know that.’

  ‘Whatever you want, Will. You’re the boss.’ Ash disappeared into the kitchen.

  ‘That’s the attitude of cringing subservience I expect for the foreseeable future,’ Will said as he threw himself down on the sofa. ‘So tell me what happened, you son of a bitch. How did she suss you out?’

  ‘She got me with the oldest trick in the book.’ Ash came back in with a large glass of red wine and presented it to Will. ‘She Great Escaped me, got me to respond to my own name. I could kick myself.’

  ‘Good, serves you right. Next time, remember she’s a lot smarter than you.’

  Ash shook his head as he took a seat. ‘I can’t believe you gave her a cervical exam.’

  ‘I’m a doctor, Ash. Why can’t you believe it?’

  ‘I’m not happy with that, Will.’

  Will laughed. ‘Well it’s not your vagina, is it, mate?’

  ‘Yeah, but now when we get back together, I’ll always know you’ve seen it.’

  ‘Again, Ash, I’m a GP in a small family practice. You’d be amazed at the body parts I’ve seen belonging to people in this village. Get over it.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me she’d had a health scare?’

  ‘Don’t be dim. You know I can’t discuss patients with you.’

  Ash fell silent.

  ‘Was she very frightened?’ he asked quietly.

  ‘Terrified, poor cow. Not surprising after Mum, is it?’

  ‘No,’ Ash said. ‘So what started these rumours?’

  ‘I told you, wagging tongues and opposite genders. It doesn’t take any more than that, not in Kettlewick.’ Will looked up from his wine. ‘Why, don’t trust me?’

  ‘Course I do, I just don’t like people gossiping about you two. Thinking there might be something going on.’ He regarded Will for a moment. ‘It is only gossip, right? I mean, you guys are just fr
iends?’

  ‘You just said you trusted me.’

  ‘I trust you not to shag her. But feelings, that’s different, isn’t it? Those are outside our control. And I was away a long time…’ He met Will’s eyes. ‘There’s nothing you need to tell me, is there?’

  Will put his wine down. ‘We’re just good friends, Ash, same as ever we were. That’s all.’

  ‘That’s all?’

  ‘I’d be willing to stake my life savings – such as they are – that Robyn Bloom has never cast a thought my way that wasn’t purely platonic. Not that it’d make the slightest bit of difference if she had, when I know how you feel about her.’

  Ash broke into a smile. ‘Thanks, bruv. It’s good to know you’ve still got my back.’

  ‘Mmm. You might think about getting mine every once in a while.’

  ‘You know I would, if you needed me to.’

  ‘Would you? Because not pretending to be me to get in with girls would be a start.’

  ‘I said I was sorry. I was trapped up a cul-de-sac, that’s all, and I didn’t know where to go next.’

  ‘And whose fault was that?’

  ‘I know, I know.’ He sighed. ‘But it was amazing today, before she got wise to who I really was. Hanging out, having a laugh. It really hammered home everything I lost the day she stopped being my girlfriend.’

  ‘Seriously though, Ash, what was your best outcome from this stunt?’

  ‘I just wanted to make my case, from the heart like I said. I know you’ll speak for me, but you can’t make her understand what’s going on in my head. I wasn’t planning on her working it out.’

  ‘Well, obviously. And now you’re worse off than you were this morning, aren’t you, you stupid bastard?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Ash was quiet for a moment. ‘Will, am I a bad person?’

  ‘You seriously want me to answer that, the way I feel about you right now?’

  ‘It’s just some of the stuff Rob said today, when she thought she was talking to you,’ Ash said. ‘About me never doing anything for others unless it’d benefit me. The way she said my name with that sneer in her voice. And the way she looked at you – I mean, at me when she thought I was you – like… like someone she respected.’

  ‘Well, do you ever do anything for others?’