The Never Have I Ever Club

by Mary Jayne Baker

  ‘Course I do. I must do.’ He paused. ‘I made you a pie.’

  ‘Because you needed to soften me up.’

  ‘Well… I played in that charity rugby match for some local hospice two years ago – remember that?’

  ‘Did you play because you cared about the cause, or because me and the other lads had all agreed to it and you thought it looked like a laugh?’

  ‘All right, maybe. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t care about the hospice.’

  ‘Yeah? What was its name?’

  Ash thought for a second.

  ‘Okay, so I can’t remember,’ he admitted. ‘But I’m still glad they got the money.’

  ‘You never did any other fundraising for them though, did you?’ Will said, sipping his wine. ‘Anything else then, or was that it for the great and selfless acts of Saint Ashley?’

  ‘Well, I… I’m sure I must’ve…’ He stopped.

  ‘Stumped, are we?’

  ‘I can’t think of anything,’ Ash whispered. ‘Oh God, Will, she’s right. I’m a selfish bastard when you get right down to it.’

  ‘I’m not going to argue, after what you pulled today. If it bothers you then perhaps you ought to make that your contribution to the group bucket list. Something that benefits someone else, with no advantage to you.’

  ‘That’s not a bucket list thing.’

  Will shrugged. ‘It can be. The group’s about trying new things – things you don’t want to regret not having done on your deathbed. Making a difference to others comes under that heading, I’d say.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Ash slumped against the cushions, looking thoughtful. ‘I suppose it does.’

  18

  When Will arrived at the village hall for their club meeting the following week, Robyn was already there, setting up a projector and screen.

  ‘It’s Will,’ he said, before she had a chance to ask.

  ‘I could’ve guessed. Ash could never pull it off.’

  ‘Eh?’

  She nodded to his face. ‘The fuzz. Are you growing a beard?’

  He rubbed his newly hairy chin. ‘No, just a bit of designer stubble. What do you think?’

  She regarded him for a moment, one eye narrowed.

  ‘I like it,’ she said at last. ‘You look like Poldark.’

  ‘Er, thanks.’

  ‘The new hairstyle looks good too. I always said it suited you scruffy, didn’t I?’

  ‘I feel a bit liony with it falling in my face,’ he said, running his fingers through the rumpled curls. ‘But if it gets the Bloom seal of approval, consider my Brylcreem retired.’

  ‘Are you going to change your name while you’re reinventing yourself? I’ve always thought you’d suit Billy.’

  He laughed. ‘Bloom, Will Barnes is a country doctor. Billy Barnes is an out-of-work children’s entertainer with a drink problem.’

  ‘I suppose the alliteration does ruin it,’ she admitted.

  ‘Anyway, this should stop any more Prime Directive breaches. If you notice our Ash growing a beard, be suspicious.’

  Robyn frowned at the projector as she struggled to get the picture on the screen in focus.

  ‘Do you need a hand with that?’ Will asked.

  ‘Oh right, just because I’m a girl you think any type of technology’s beyond me.’

  ‘Er, yeah. All I actually said was: “Do you need a hand with that?”’

  Her frown lifted. ‘Sorry. You got a bit of my Ash grump there. Where is he anyway?’

  ‘At home on the naughty step, doing penance for his manifold crimes. He thought you’d prefer not to see him tonight.’

  ‘He thought right. And any other night. Did you tell him off then?’

  ‘Tell him off? It must be twenty years since we last had a proper fight, but I came so bloody close to punching him.’

  ‘But you didn’t.’

  He sighed. ‘No, course I didn’t.’

  Satisfied the focus was as good as she was going to get it, Robyn left the projector and joined him.

  ‘Go on then, apologise on his behalf,’ she said. ‘I know you can’t help yourself.’

  ‘He is sorry.’

  ‘Always is, isn’t he? And then along comes the next fuck-up.’

  ‘Genuinely. He’s been dead quiet since that day. I think some of the stuff you said to him really hit home.’

  ‘What stuff?’

  ‘About how he’s always focused on number one. How he never does anything for others unless it benefits him. You properly got under his skin, Bloom.’

  ‘Well, good. It’d be nice to think he wasn’t completely beyond redemption.’

  ‘That reminds me. He gave me something for you.’

  Will handed her a small packet. On the outside was a Post-it Note with one word scrawled on it: sorry.

  ‘What is it?’ she asked.

  ‘Open it.’

  She shook her head. ‘I’m not accepting gifts off him. Whatever it is, you can take it right back and tell him where he can stick it. FYI, it’s the same place as that bloody boomerang.’

  ‘It’s not for you, it’s for the museum. I’d take it if I were you. As an apology, it’s the least he owes you.’

  ‘For the museum?’ Unable to contain her curiosity, Robyn opened the packet.

  Inside was a stack of glossy tri-folded leaflets. She drew one out to examine it.

  The design was simple but effective. Bold, bright colours and jaunty fonts yelled that here was an attraction offering fun for all the family. A little cartoon Cerberpus with speech bubbles coming from her three mouths gave nuggets of trivia about Kettlewick Castle and its exhibits. On one of the flaps was a map of the museum, with information about each of the themed cabinets.

  ‘Will, these look incredible.’ She touched a fingertip to the cartoon cat. ‘Heh. Our own mascot Cerberpus. Did Ash draw it?’

  ‘Yeah. Smart, isn’t it?’

  ‘Where did he get all the photographs?’

  ‘He contacted the council to say he was doing some pro bono design work for Kettlewick Castle and ask if they had any photos of the exhibits on file.’ Will took one of the leaflets to look at it. ‘I hate to say it, but when you can actually get Ash to do some work, he’s bloody good. Will you take them? They’ll only end up in the bin otherwise.’

  ‘I guess, since they’re for the castle. But you’d better tell him it doesn’t mean anything. He’s not forgiven.’

  Will smiled.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ Robyn asked.

  ‘This.’ He produced another Post-it.

  That’s fine, it said in Ash’s handwriting. Just wanted to help the place. You’re under no obligation to forgive me, Rob.

  ‘See, he thought you might say that,’ Will said.

  Robyn couldn’t help laughing. ‘We’d better get on,’ she said. ‘The genealogy bloke will be here soon to set up his laptop. Unless you’ve got any more Post-its?’

  ‘I have got one more.’ He took it from his pocket and handed it to her.

  ‘“Be kinder”.’ She frowned and turned it over. ‘That’s it. Why’s Ash telling me to be kinder? After the trick he pulled last week, I’d say it was pretty kind of me not to have reinserted his testicles with my boot.’

  ‘It’s not for you, it’s for him,’ Will said. ‘This is his contribution to the bucket list.’

  ‘That’s his contribution? Just “be kinder”?’

  ‘Yep. He’s been muttering all week about how he wants to be a better man and do more for others. It’s a bit scary actually. I’m worried he’ll announce he’s taking holy orders any day now.’

  ‘Mmm, very laudable,’ she said, pursing her lips. ‘Until he does an Ash with it.’

  ‘You mean run headfirst at it, brimming with enthusiasm, then get bored and let the whole thing drop?’

  ‘Obviously.’

  ‘Well, we’ll see. Still, he’s more introspective than I’ve ever seen him at the moment. Perhaps he really means it.’

  �
��Dunno, Will. At the end of the day, he is Ash.’

  Will shook his head. ‘You’ve never got a good word to say about him, have you?’

  ‘Are you surprised?’

  ‘Come on, you were together eight months. Not to mention friends for decades before that. Don’t you ever think of the good times?’

  ‘Nope. Not now.’

  ‘What did you see in him if you’re so convinced he’s irredeemably useless?’

  Robyn thought back to Ash pretending to be Will at the museum – how they’d reminisced about the school trip they’d been on together, and laughed over her cheesy exhibits. She remembered their time as a couple, and all the bits of impulsive Ash-like daftness that had made her smile. Waking up one Saturday and asking Ash what he wanted to do that weekend, and him shrugging and saying, ‘Let’s go to Paris.’ It had always been that way with Ash: you never knew what would happen next. And she’d loved him for it, until what happened next was him leaving her.

  She realised she was smiling and willed her mouth back into place.

  ‘I guess he was a lot of fun,’ she admitted. ‘He infuriated me on a daily basis, but he made me laugh every day too. I was never bored when I was with Ash, whatever else I might’ve been.’

  ‘Well, there you go then,’ Will said, looking away.

  ‘That hardly makes up for his selfish streak though, does it?’

  ‘You must’ve thought it did when you started seeing him.’

  ‘Yeah, because I never felt the full force of it until I let myself fall in love with the bastard. I’m wiser now.’ She glanced at the door, where club members were starting to arrive. ‘I’d better finish setting up. Can you man the kitchen? It’s Eliot’s turn but he’s obviously running late.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Hey.’ She took his arm as he turned to go.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Just… it was nice to spend time with you last week,’ she said, feeling her cheeks heat slightly. ‘You know, at the seaside, and over lunch.’

  ‘Over lunch?’

  ‘Oh yeah, that was… never mind.’ She looked up at him. ‘Will, I miss you.’

  ‘Right. Thanks.’ He turned away. ‘I’d better get the water boiler on. It can take a while to heat up.’

  ‘That’s it? Just “right, thanks”?’

  ‘What do you want me to say?’ he said, bringing pained eyes to meet hers. ‘I miss you too? Maybe I do, but things are still the way they are.’

  ‘I want you to say you’ll come to the pub with us. Or over to mine for a coffee sometime. Or meet me for lunch. Any social activity you like, so long as I get to see you.’ She squeezed his arm. ‘You’re avoiding me, aren’t you?’

  ‘I’m not, honestly. I’m just…’ He sighed. ‘You know it’s awkward, with Ash and everything.’

  ‘Oh, screw Ash,’ she snapped. ‘I’m not going to give him another chance, Will, no matter how many Damascus moments he has. Too much has happened between us. The sooner he gets that into his thick skull, the better.’

  ‘Doesn’t make any difference,’ he muttered. ‘He still feels the way he feels, and I’m still his brother. We can’t always do what we want, Bloom. Sometimes we have to do what’s right.’

  ‘So because Ash is the same pain in both our backsides he always has been, me and you can’t be mates any more?’

  ‘We can, course we can. Just, sort of… mates at a distance. You pushed me away once too when things got complicated.’

  She flushed. ‘That wasn’t the same.’

  ‘Yes it was. Ash was at the root of it then as well.’

  He turned to go again, but she kept hold of his arm.

  ‘Mates at a distance isn’t good enough for me, Will,’ she said in a low voice.

  His face crumpled. ‘Bloom, don’t do this to me.’

  The break in his voice was unmistakeable. She dropped his arm at once.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘I can’t, all right? Just… let me be for a while. Please.’

  He strode off to the kitchen.

  *

  Five minutes later, Freya and Eliot turned up. Robyn left off arranging chairs to speak to them.

  ‘What took you?’

  Eliot frowned. ‘We’re not late, are we?’

  ‘Frey isn’t but you are. You were supposed to be on kitchen duty.’

  ‘Oh God, was I? Sorry, Rob, I forgot.’

  ‘El’s had a lot on his mind,’ Freya said, smirking.

  Her brother glared at her. ‘It’s not funny, Frey.’

  ‘Come on, it is a bit.’

  ‘You’re not still struggling with your Winnie tic, are you?’ Robyn asked.

  ‘No, I’m making progress with that,’ Eliot said. ‘I’ve cut the wincing down to about one in three times I have to say his name now.’

  ‘So what is it? Didn’t you like his parents?’

  He glanced at Winnie queuing for a drink. ‘His parents were lovely. It’s much worse than that.’

  Freya snorted.

  ‘Come on, someone, fill me in,’ Robyn said, looking from one Miller to the other. ‘What’s so hilarious-slash-tragic?’

  ‘You’ll find out when we do the pre-meeting catch-up,’ Freya said. ‘Just try not to laugh. You’ll only set me off if you do.’

  ‘If either of you dares mock my boyfriend’s affliction, you’re both dead to me,’ Eliot said. ‘Plus you might set me off as well.’

  ‘Okay, colour me intrigued,’ Robyn said. ‘El, go take over drinks duty from Will. Once you’ve served everyone, we’ll make a start.’

  ‘I sorted out our double date, by the way,’ Freya said when her brother had gone.

  Robyn groaned. ‘Oh God. I forgot I’d agreed to that.’

  ‘You still want to, don’t you?’

  ‘Not really, but I should probably push myself out of my comfort zone, otherwise I’m never going to do it. What’s the plan then?’

  ‘We’re meeting next Friday at Number 14, that cocktail bar in Skipton.’

  ‘Don’t think I know it.’

  ‘It’s this 1920s theme place on the canal. Not as posh as it sounds but it is authentic. It’s in a cellar.’

  ‘Like a speakeasy. Do I need a password to get in?’

  ‘Just tell them you’ve come for Grandma’s funeral. Ben’s picking me up so we’ll meet you there at seven.’

  ‘Didn’t you think you ought to check I was free first?’

  Freya scoffed. ‘Oh, I’m sorry. Are you free, or have you got an important engagement sitting on your arse whittling dildos while you binge-watch Stranger Things?’

  ‘Hey, those’re toy soldiers. Not to be used as sex aids unless you fancy explaining to one of our friendly local doctors just how you managed to get that splinter.’ She folded her arms. ‘Anyway, I do stuff. I’m a social bloody butterfly, me.’

  ‘Yeah, you do stuff. On Thursdays. At the pub. With us. So, are you free then?’

  Robyn sighed. ‘Well obviously.’

  ‘Right, good. So I’ll see you there.’

  ‘Yeah, okay.’ Robyn wasn’t looking at her. Her glance had drifted to Felicity chatting with the Brigadier and Mr and Mrs Jeffries.

  ‘Your aunty looks a bit tired, doesn’t she?’ Freya said, following her gaze.

  ‘She’s not been feeling too good lately. I told her to take a week or so off volunteering at the museum. There’s barely enough work to keep one of us busy, let alone two.’

  ‘She seems bright enough in herself though,’ Freya said as she watched Felicity clap the Brigadier on the back.

  ‘I think she’s getting run down planning the wedding. I can’t see why she’s in such a hurry to have it, after a lifetime of dodging the altar.’

  ‘Can you help out?’

  ‘I’ve offered but she’s having none of it, stubborn old mare.’ Robyn’s gaze settled on a little gemstone Felicity was rolling between her fingers. ‘I’m going over this weekend to talk bridesmaid dresses, so I’ll make a fresh bid
to be assigned some jobs then. I don’t want her making herself ill.’

  19

  Will hastily wiped his eyes as the kitchen door swung open.

  ‘Hiya,’ Eliot said. ‘Sorry I’m late, forgot it was my turn on beverages duty.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it.’

  Eliot frowned. ‘You okay, mate?’

  ‘Oh. Yeah.’ Will rubbed his chin. ‘It is deliberate, I haven’t just let myself go.’

  ‘Not the stubble. Your eyes are all red.’

  Will turned his face away. ‘I know, it’s the steam. That water boiler’s a menace.’

  ‘You sure that’s all it is?’

  ‘Course. What else would it be?’ He walked to the door. ‘See you in a bit.’

  In the hall, he spotted Robyn talking to Freya and joined them.

  ‘Hiya, girls.’

  ‘Will, are you all right?’ Freya asked, regarding him with concern. ‘Your eyes look puffy.’

  ‘It’s the water boiler. I took a jet of steam to the face.’

  ‘Ouch,’ Robyn said. ‘You didn’t get scalded, did you?’

  ‘No, it just made my eyes stream a bit.’ He glanced at Freya. ‘Bloomy, can I have a private word?’

  ‘Er, yeah, if Frey doesn’t mind.’

  ‘Course not,’ Freya said. ‘I’ll go chat to Winnie. The poor lad’ll need the support of all his friends tonight.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Will said when she’d gone.

  Robyn shrugged. ‘Some mystery, but they’re refusing to reveal all until we start. What’s up, Will?’

  ‘I just wanted to apologise. For me rather than Ash for a change. I shouldn’t have been short with you before.’

  ‘Did I hurt your feelings? You sounded upset.’

  ‘It’s just… I do miss you. And yeah, I feel bad if I’ve hurt you, but I want to do right by my brother too.’ He summoned a weak smile. ‘So I’m stuck, you see? Caught between the rock of moral dilemma and the hard place of thorny predicament.’

  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pressure you. I miss hanging out, that’s all. I’d just got used to you being back in the gang, then Ash came home and everything changed.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Will it always have to be like this?’ she asked quietly.

  ‘I don’t know. It will for… as long as it takes.’