The Never Have I Ever Club

by Mary Jayne Baker

  Molly Gardiner was their star performer, glowing with pride after being singled out for praise by Renata for her bump and grind technique. Mind you, after what Robyn had been reading about her in Arty Johnson’s memoirs, she wasn’t surprised the woman had moves.

  ‘Sorry, girls, but I think I’m going to have to sit out the next lesson,’ Felicity said half an hour later, rubbing her bad leg. ‘Sadly, my body has a habit of reminding me I’m not twenty-one any more.’

  Molly nodded. ‘I could do with a rest too. I don’t want to wear out my artificial hip with gyrating.’

  ‘Well, let’s take a cocktail break for ten minutes,’ Renata said. ‘Sorry, I usually do hen parties with, er, slightly younger groups. Not that they’re a patch on you ladies.’

  Felicity hobbled into the kitchen-diner and sank into a chair. Robyn followed.

  ‘Are you okay, Aunty?’

  ‘Now, Robyn, don’t fuss. I just need to rest my leg a moment.’ She looked around. ‘Oh, I’ve left my bag out in the hall. Would you be a love?’

  ‘Of course.’

  Robyn fetched the bag, then headed to the breakfast bar to mix another batch of elderflower and gin granitas.

  She watched as Felicity took out a packet of pills, popped out two and swallowed them down.

  ‘Those won’t do you any good, you know,’ she said.

  ‘Rubbish. I’ve felt a hundred times better since I started the course.’

  ‘Do you really believe that, or do you just want to believe it?’

  ‘Robyn, we’ve had this conversation. I won’t change my mind. Don’t nag me on my hen night, please.’

  Sighing, Robyn abandoned her cocktails and came to rest a hand on Felicity’s shoulder.

  ‘I’m worried about you, that’s all,’ she said gently. ‘I wish you’d go see the oncologist Will wanted to book you a consultation with.’

  ‘And what would they say? Nothing I don’t already know. I won’t be cut up and fiddled about with.’

  ‘Not even if it could make you well again?’

  ‘Make me well at what cost? At my age, the treatment’s likely to kill me before the illness does.’

  ‘The treatment isn’t as bad as you think. I was talking to Molly Gardiner about the time she was diagnosed with breast cancer four years ago. She had radiotherapy and she told me—’

  ‘Robyn.’

  ‘But Fliss, she was only your age at the time, and now she’s completely clear of—’

  ‘Robyn!’ With an effort, Felicity pushed herself to her feet. ‘Sweetheart, I love you, but I don’t want to spend my remaining time on earth having repeats of the same bloody conversation. I’ve been through this with you, with Will, with Norman and with every other member of my family. The answer is no.’

  ‘I just don’t want to lose you,’ Robyn whispered.

  ‘I know you don’t,’ Felicity said in a softer voice. ‘We never want to lose people we care about. But like it or not, my love, that day always has to come.’ She kissed Robyn on the cheek. ‘You finish mixing your cocktails. I feel like I’m getting my second wind up now. Perhaps I might even have enough energy left to give Norman a demonstration of my new skills before bed.’

  *

  In the house next door, Will was knocking on the door of his brother’s room.

  ‘You ever coming downstairs?’ he called.

  ‘Yeah, in a minute.’

  ‘Can I come in?’

  ‘If you want.’

  Will went inside to find Ash on his bed with his laptop, frowning with concentration.

  ‘You’re not working at this time of night?’

  ‘Not work work. I’m planning the Eurovision thing.’

  ‘How far have you got with it?’

  ‘I’ve got a budget and a loose plan for the evening, plus I’ve booked the venue. There’s still the marketing to sort out and buffet to arrange.’ Ash turned the screen to show his brother. ‘This is what I’ve got on the budgeting side. What do you reckon?’

  ‘That looks very thorough,’ Will said, skimming down the spreadsheet. ‘What charity are we raising money for?’

  ‘Macmillan. I spotted Felicity wearing one of their pins so assumed she’d approve. Although you might want to check with Rob before we confirm it, since I’ll need to include their logo on the tickets.’

  ‘How did you calculate the budget?’

  ‘I got quotes from a few local businesses,’ Ash said. ‘The Companions have offered their function room for free, as long as they can run the bar, and they’ll donate a portion of the takings to the charity too. After looking at quotes for catering though, I think we’re better off providing the buffet ourselves.’

  ‘Good idea.’

  ‘I’ve inflated the estimates a bit, just to make sure we’re charging enough per ticket. I think they’ll sell, won’t they?’

  ‘I’d say so.’ Will frowned as he looked at the cell containing the ticket price. ‘Still, £17 each seems high just for access to the event and a few nibbles.’

  ‘It is for charity though.’

  ‘I reckon you could trim the budget for the buffet and offer a more enticing ticket price without affecting profits. It doesn’t need to be fancy. I’m sure Robyn and the others will pitch in with a few dishes.’

  ‘You might be right.’ Ash looked up. ‘You couldn’t pop next door and ask her, could you? And what she thinks of Macmillan for the charity? Once I know, I can get started on the promotional materials. It’s getting a bit urgent: we really need to be selling tickets.’

  Will hesitated.

  ‘What’s up?’ Ash said. ‘It won’t take two minutes. You may as well go round as text, in case she doesn’t see it right away.’

  ‘I just feel awkward taking all the credit,’ Will said, rubbing his neck. ‘You’ve worked really hard on this, Ash. It doesn’t seem fair for people to think I’m behind it when all I’ve contributed is the theme.’

  ‘I told you, I don’t want this to be about scoring points with Rob. Please, bruv.’

  He sighed. ‘Well, if you’re going to get all noble about it.’

  Will headed out and knocked on Robyn’s door.

  There was a hell of a noise, he realised as he stepped back. It sounded like she was watching Moulin Rouge with the volume turned up full blast.

  The door opened, and Will realised too late what he’d forgotten.

  Ladies’ night. It was tonight, wasn’t it? Which would account for the fact Robyn had answered the door in a red sequinned corset, lacy suspenders and fishnets.

  ‘Um,’ he said, running a finger under his collar.

  ‘Will.’ Was that a blush, or just the reflected glow from her corset? ‘I thought you might be pizza. We ordered some.’

  He was finding it hard to keep his eyes off her body, all those sexy curves hugged by the tight material. Dreams aside, he’d never seen Robyn like that before. She looked incredible.

  God, he needed to pull himself together. For Christ’s sake, Will, crack a joke. Don’t be weird about it.

  ‘So, er… did you buy shares in Victoria’s Secret or something?’

  Well that was crap. He should probably just stop talking.

  ‘It’s Felicity’s hen do,’ Robyn told him. ‘The burlesque class.’

  ‘I know, I just realised as you opened the door. Sorry, I’d totally forgotten or I wouldn’t have interrupted.’

  Shit, why had he gone and said that? That sounded like the fakest excuse ever. Now she probably thought he’d come over on purpose to catch her in her underwear like some pervy peeping Tom.

  ‘Er, I ought to go,’ he said.

  He turned to leave, feeling hopelessly flustered and quite unable to recover his equilibrium with Robyn dressed that way.

  ‘But you must have wanted something, did you?’ she asked.

  ‘Oh. Yes. Just… it wasn’t really that important. I wanted to check out some details for the Eurovision night.’

  ‘Okay, what?’

 
; ‘I can talk to you tomorrow. You don’t want to be standing in the doorway catching cold. Anyway, you’ve got guests.’

  ‘Never mind them, they’re busy throwing their knickers at Idris Elba,’ Robyn said, flicking a hand. ‘You’re here now, you might as well ask me.’

  Will rubbed his fingers through his hair. What was it he’d wanted to ask? He carefully averted his eyes from the soft pink flesh of Robyn’s breasts while he tried to remember.

  ‘The buffet!’ he said at last, seizing on it with relief. ‘I wanted to ask if you, Freya and Eliot would be able to pitch in with some dishes. I’m trying to get the ticket cost under twelve quid.’

  ‘Yeah, of course. I mean, obviously I would, and I’m sure the Millers will be up for it. What sort of dishes?’

  ‘Well, I haven’t planned a menu or anything, but it’ll be foods of the world, so I suppose meatballs, pizzas, that type of thing. Nothing complicated, just finger food.’

  ‘All right, sounds good. Anything else?’

  ‘Er, yes. What do you think Felicity would say to Macmillan as the charity? Just so I can get it on the posters.’

  ‘She’d approve, I’m sure. She’s always been a supporter.’

  ‘Right, great,’ he said with a grin of relief. ‘That was it.’

  ‘Thanks again for doing this, Will,’ Robyn said, reaching out to squeeze his arm. ‘It’s lovely of you.’

  ‘No problem. I’ll leave you to it then.’

  ‘Is that Will Barnes I can hear?’ a voice called.

  ‘Oh God,’ Robyn muttered. ‘It’s the thirty-something fittie.’

  A second later Freya had bounced to her side, beaming.

  ‘Frey.’ Will blinked at her. ‘Did you know you’d come out in just your pants, love?’

  ‘Yeah, what do you think?’ she said, giving him a twirl. ‘Rob reckons I’m channelling Dita von Teese.’

  ‘Very, um… skimpy.’

  ‘Heh. Me and El used to have a hamster called Skimpy.’ She glanced at Robyn. ‘Could you give us a minute, Rob?’

  Robyn shrugged. ‘Knock yourself out.’

  When she’d gone, Freya turned to smile at Will.

  ‘Wanted to ask you something,’ she said.

  ‘Okay.’ He glanced behind him, wondering if he was imagining the rustle of curtains. Mrs Carlton must be having the night of her life, watching that nice, respectable Dr Barnes chatting to a parade of scantily knickered women. ‘Er, shoot.’

  ‘You’re going to the wedding reception next week, aren’t you?’

  ‘Course. The Brig asked me and Ash to be his groomsmen actually. It’d be nice to think it’s because we’re old friends of the family, but really I reckon it’s because we feng shui up the photos. You know, like matching bookends.’

  ‘I wondered if you had a date.’

  He laughed. ‘Me? I haven’t had one in a year; it’d be a shame to break my streak.’

  ‘Well, do you want one?’

  ‘Depends who’s offering.’ He frowned. ‘Oh. I getcha.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘Frey… we’ve been friends a long time.’

  ‘I know, so who better, right?’ she said. ‘I’ve been on so many dates recently with guys I fancy but don’t have anything in common with, or that I don’t fancy and don’t have anything in common with. I don’t know why it never occurred to me that there’s someone who ticks both those boxes right in front of me.’

  ‘Well, that’s, er… that’s very flattering.’

  ‘So we’re on then. Great.’

  She was about to close the door when Will held up a hand.

  ‘Freya, I can’t go on a date with you.’

  She frowned. ‘Why not?’

  ‘Look, it fucked things right up when Robyn and Ash split up. We don’t want to mess with the dynamics of the group again, do we? Not when we’re just getting back to normal.’

  She blinked. ‘So what are you saying? You don’t fancy me?’

  ‘I think you’re beautiful.’ He leaned forward to kiss her on the forehead. ‘And I think you can do a lot better than me.’

  ‘Huh. You wouldn’t say that if you’d read my blog.’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t get it, Will. We’ve always got on. We find each other attractive. What else do you need?’

  ‘I don’t know, Frey, but you do need something.’

  She shrugged, turning away. ‘All right, suit yourself.’

  ‘Come on, don’t be offended,’ he said, reaching out to turn her gently back towards him. ‘We’ve been friends too long to mess about with that, that’s all. You know you’re bloody gorgeous. Those pillocks you’ve been on dates with must be kicking themselves for letting you get away.’

  She smiled. ‘Rob’s right. You do always know the right thing to say, don’t you?’

  ‘I’ll see you at the wedding reception, eh? No hard feelings?’

  She gave him a hug. ‘Course not. See you, Will.’

  The door closed again. Sighing, Will went back home.

  31

  Robyn darted out of the house when the blue Volkswagen crunched into her drive. As soon as the man in the driving seat got out, she threw her arms round his neck.

  ‘Dad! Arghh, I missed you guys!’

  He laughed, patting her on the back. ‘All right, princess, don’t strangle me. We missed you too.’

  ‘You haven’t visited for ages. What, do I need to marry off an aunt every time I want to see you?’

  ‘You could come to us, you know. I know there’s not much space in the park home, but we can always put an air mattress up.’

  Her mum had got out and was waiting until it was her turn to be greeted. Robyn gave her a slightly less exuberant hug, knowing her mother’s views on public displays of affection in sight of the neighbours.

  ‘Lovely to see you, sweetheart,’ her mum said. ‘You look healthy. I think you put on a bit of weight, did you?’

  Robyn glanced down at her body. ‘Did I?’

  ‘Oh, now don’t be ashamed of it. It suits you, a little plumpness in the top and tail.’

  Her dad nodded. ‘No boy worth his salt likes a Skinny Minnie. You stay just the way you are, Robyn, and don’t let anyone tell you to change.’

  ‘Okay. Nobody actually did though, Dad.’

  Robyn noticed Ash smirking as he cleaned his car next door. She subtly flicked him the V-sign.

  ‘Hiya, Tammy. Matt,’ Ash called, straightening up so he could wave to his old neighbours. ‘Nice to see you back. Here for the impending nuptials, eh?’

  ‘Yes, just a few days’ stay,’ Matt said. ‘How are you boys doing?’

  ‘Never mind talking to him, you’ll see him at the wedding,’ Robyn said, tugging her dad’s arm. ‘Come on, let’s get the kettle on.’

  Her mum unlocked the front door with her own key and Robyn followed the two of them in.

  ‘Oh no, Robyn, you didn’t,’ Tammy said when she spotted the new living room curtains. ‘Not dark blue with magnolia. Darling, they look like wartime blackout curtains.’

  ‘I thought they looked nice,’ Robyn said.

  Her mum was already at the window, rubbing the material between her fingers.

  ‘Well I just hope they didn’t cost much, that’s all. Horrible polyester things. What happened to my Laura Ashleys?’

  ‘They’re upstairs in the blanket box.’

  ‘And what was wrong with them?’

  Robyn flushed. ‘I just thought they were starting to look a bit dated.’

  Her mum drew herself up. ‘Those curtains cost a hundred pounds for the pair, young lady.’

  ‘Yeah, but… I mean, that floral print? I thought it’d be good to have a change, make the place look a bit less like some chintzy teashop.’

  ‘Did you indeed?’ Her mum cast another disgusted glance at the curtains then turned to her daughter. ‘Which one was that I saw you swearing at outside then? Will?’

  ‘Look, can we at least have a cuppa before you start giving me the third degre
e?’

  ‘Yes, all right. You two sit down, I’ll make it.’

  When the tea had been made, along with many tutted complaints from Tammy about Robyn having moved things around in the kitchen, she took a seat in the armchair while Robyn sat next to her dad.

  ‘Are you ready for the wedding?’ Robyn asked, hoping to steer the conversation into safer territory. ‘Three days to go.’

  ‘Yes, your father’s suit and my dress are in the car. Aunty Fliss doesn’t seem to have left us with much to do except turn up.’ Tammy shook her head. ‘Honestly, a wedding at her age. It all feels like a bit of a farce, doesn’t it?’

  ‘In what way?’ Robyn said, frowning.

  ‘Well. A blushing bride at seventy-six, and with her romantic history? Anyway, I’d have thought she had more important things to think about, what with… well, you know. Affairs to put in order, that type of thing.’

  Matt noticed his daughter opening her mouth to retort and jumped in to rescue the situation. After decades of sharing a home with the pair of them, it had become second nature.

  ‘So, you haven’t told us what you’d like for your birthday this year, Robyn,’ he said. ‘What is it this time, thirty-five?’

  ‘Thirty-six,’ Robyn muttered.

  ‘Thirty-six.’ He shook his head. ‘Well well well. Nearly thirty-six already. It hardly seems like yesterday I was still wiping your bum.’

  ‘For God’s sake, Dad!’

  ‘Well, it doesn’t,’ he said, shrugging. ‘Any boyfriends then, princess? Not to sound too much like the tick-tock of Mr Biological Clock here, but you know that by the time your mum was your age, you were already at secondary school.’

  ‘No boyfriends since the last one, no.’

  ‘Oh yes,’ her mum said. ‘How is Ashley? Was that him or his brother outside? I never could learn to tell those boys apart.’

  ‘Yes, that was him. Will’s got stubble now. And Ash is… just Ash, I suppose, same as always.’

  ‘As bad as that, eh?’ her dad said with a grin.

  ‘Yeah.’ Robyn sighed. ‘Well, no, I’m being unfair. He’s been a lot better since he got back from Oz – lately, at least. Took his clothes off for me and everything.’

  Tammy cast a glance at her husband. ‘I’m not sure that’s something you ought to share with your mum and dad, Robyn.’