by Kim Stokely
“In case you’ve forgotten, you’ve got a sure thing here.” I laugh lightly, trying to diffuse the highly charged atmosphere. “You have no competition.”
He smiles, but it doesn’t soften the tension on his face. It’s as if he wants to yell in anger and cry in frustration at the same time.
Instead of words, he opens his thoughts to me. I am flooded with his memories of our encounters. Now, instead of seeing them from my perspective, I experience each one from his. The visions come so fast, I can’t process them, but one emotion fills them all—a great sense of melancholy. The aching pain of desire.
I force my mind to block any more of his thoughts and let out a soft cry as I yank my arm from his grasp. “You hated me when you first saw me. I felt it.”
“No. From the moment I saw you, I knew I loved you. I hated myself for it. It was that you felt.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You are Geran’s daughter. The man whose counsel cast me out of the Sanctuary into the life of an outlaw. I had nothing. I was nothing. And your father’s word had sentenced me to that fate. I knew I should despise you. I knew I should let the Black Guards do what they wanted with you so that I might know some revenge. But I couldn’t.”
“You could have let me die.” My voice is choked. “In the Fey. After I’d been hit with the arrow. You would have been rid of me.”
He shakes his head. “I’d have died first.”
My pain-clouded memory drags up the vision of him lifting me from the ground onto his horse. How he held me throughout the long ride to the Elder Lands. His anger when Maris insisted he turn me over to Faolan, Quinn, and the Black Guards.
He reads my mind. “I let you go because I saw Quinn’s thoughts. He believed Braedon would keep you alive, so I tried to believe it, too. I thought to never see you again. You would be queen, with Braedon or without him. What part would I have in your kingdom? None.
“But then you came to me.” His face softens at the memory. “In the Fey. After the Black Guards attacked you again.” His eyes are moist. “You came to me for help. And for a brief moment, I let myself believe you cared for me. That was how you found me.” He looks away, as if watching the scene replay in his head. “You were so brave, even after all that had happened to you. Even with the wounds, you were so beautiful.”
The longing in his voice wraps around my heart. My chest tightens under the weight of his desire.
“By Epona, I wanted to take you in my arms and hold you until you stopped shaking. I wanted to be by your side for the rest of my life.” His gaze again finds mine. “But you had to get back to the palace. To save a friend, you said. But before you disappeared this time, I kissed you. Do you remember?”
I nod. He had backed me up against the wall in an alley and forced me to kiss him. I thought he wanted to make me mad so I would hit him.
“I needed to know what it would be like, just once, to have your lips on mine. I knew that would be the last time, the only time, I would feel that pleasure.”
“But then the Elders called you to the palace,” I whisper.
“I thought they wanted to reward me for my help. I never dared to hope.”
“That’s why you kept asking why I wanted to marry you, isn’t it? Because you wanted me to say I loved you, too.”
He tries to smile, but it falters before taking hold. “As long as I knew it was not only out of obligation. As long as I had hope that you could come to love me, I knew I would sign.”
“But Tegan—”
“I know you think you love the boy, but believe me when I tell you, it is a love that cannot last.” He stops me before me before I can protest. “You cannot see past what he makes your body feel at the moment. But I promise you, it is not love.” He takes my hands. “When the passion burns itself out, what would you be left with?”
I close my eyes. “I don’t know.”
“I would fight all the demons of the Fallen to protect you. I would give my life for you.”
“But why?”
“Because I knew from the moment I saw you what the purpose for all my suffering had been. My childhood of isolation with the Mystics. The rejection of your father and the Elders. Even my years living in the Fey. It had all happened so that I would be in the right place to help you. To protect you.” He draws me closer. “To love you.”
At first he is hesitant, his lips barely brush mine. It is the same chaste kiss he gave me in the library.
But then, as if he breaks free of some restraint, his hands press against my back. I don’t know what to do. My body wants to respond, but I try to draw away. I can’t lose myself in Kyran’s passion when I know that Tegan is somewhere, thinking of me.
He tries again to engage me, his lips seeking mine. I find myself intoxicated by his need. His arms cocoon me in their strength. For a moment, I revel in the sensation of being perfectly safe. But then Tegan’s face appears in my thoughts.
Kyran groans as he lowers his head. He rests his cheek against mine. “I know Ruahk wants us to be together, Alystrine. I fought against it when we first met, but now I see his hand has orchestrated everything in my life for this time.” His whole body tenses. “But it is your turn to fight against Ruahk. I will do everything in my power to make you see the truth, before it is too late.”
“What truth?”
“I know there is some evil working to keep you from fulfilling Ruahk’s plan.”
I fight the urge to slap him. “Tegan isn’t evil.”
“No. But he is being used by the Mystics. I know it. Give me time to prove it to you.”
“It will take forever, because Tegan would never hurt me.”
Kyran stares at me. I don’t know if he’s trying to think of something to say or read my mind. He takes a few steps back. “Promise to wait until I return before you try and see him again.” The pain in his eyes breaks my heart. Before I can deny his accusation, he continues, “I’ve heard your thoughts. You will want to Spirit Travel to him, at least. But wait. You owe me that much, as my betrothed.”
I nod. “I’ll wait.”
He fades into the shadows as he walks down hallway. I lean against the wall, trying to make sense of everything.
What Quinn said is true. Kyran loves me.
But I love Tegan.
Tegan, who I’ve just sent away. Probably forever. Tegan, whom Kyran thinks has been corrupted by the Mystics.
Could it be true?
The wind moans again through the cracks in the door, bringing me out of my thoughts, giving voice to my frustrations. I shake off my exasperation before heading down the stairs. I know there’s probably an easier way to get to my quarters from here, but I haven’t found it yet and I don’t feel like getting lost among the myriad of corridors.
I reach the main hall in time to see a group of Elders putting on their travelling cloaks. I do a double take. Noam is with them. My heart sinks.
“Noam?”
He turns when I call his name, but he has no smile when he sees it’s me. The other Elders give me a quick bow then continue preparing to leave. Noam fastens his cloak at his neck with a metal brooch.
I want to approach him, but his mood seems dark. “I thought you were going to stay until tomorrow?”
“I decided to leave with Oded this afternoon.” He fiddles with his pack.
I wait for him to look at me, but he doesn’t. He readjusts a buckle on the straps. I sense the others in the group are as uncomfortable as I am. Whether it’s because they know why he’s upset, or like me, they have no clue, I’m not sure. But I’m not going to let my only friend leave without finding out what’s wrong. “May I speak with you?”
He keeps his eyes from mine as he lifts his head. “We are ready to leave, Your Majesty.”
I’m apparently the one he’s mad at, but I don’t know why. I catch Oded’s eyes. “May I delay you for a few minutes?”
“Of course, Your Majesty. However, we do need to be on our way soon if we are to make it
to our first camp tonight.” He glances at Noam. “We will be readying the horses outside.”
“We won’t be long,” I tell him. Noam makes no move toward me even as the rest of his party leave. “What’s wrong with you?”
He clenches his jaw, but doesn’t answer me.
“You can’t go without telling me why you’re mad.”
His rage is written over his face, but he keeps his voice even. “You know why.”
I shake my head as I draw closer to him. “I have no clue.”
His fingers grip his pack so tightly, his knuckles turn white. “I warned you before I left. I told you the laws of the Elders.” He glares at me. “And still you went to him.”
My stomach does a somersault. “I─”
“There is no excuse. You knew the consequences.”
I struggle to find my voice. “I just wanted to find out what had happened to him.”
“Do not lie to me. I know the truth. And more, Kyran knows it as well. If we had not sought you out, what more would you have done that night in the study?”
My stomach flips again. “You don’t understand─”
His sharp laugh echoes against the cold stones of the hallway. “I, of all people, understand.” His gaze darts down the passageway before he speaks again. No one is within earshot. His voice is quiet, but intense. “My whole life, I have had to deny myself the physical pleasures I desired most. And I have done it without the consequences you have hanging in the balance. Your few moments of intimacy with him could have destroyed the land of Ayden.”
My face grows hot with my shame, even as my muscles tremble with frustration. Noam speaks again before I can answer him.
“We travel back to the Elder Lands to train again for war. A war we will fight in your name, Alystrine.” His voice grows louder. “This is not a dream. It is not a game for you to play. Men will die in this battle.” His eyes bore into mine. Hard and sharp as knives. “Do not betray their sacrifice. Deny yourself these selfish desires. Become the queen they think you are. The queen I thought you were.” He slings his pack onto his shoulder. “Goodbye, Your Majesty.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
A Tense Dinner
I spend the evening in a funk, emotionally drained from the afternoon’s confrontations. I do my best to rally my mood and talk to my new Ladies-in-Waiting, but excuse myself as soon as decorum allows. A cup of valerian and chamomile tea helps me get to sleep, but Tegan soon haunts my dreams. Most of the night is spent staring into the glowing embers in the fireplace.
In the morning, I determine to make the best of an awful situation. Noam is gone. His words ring inside my head. “This isn’t a game.” As weird as the past months have been, it’s reality. My emotions must not dictate my actions. I have to grow up, and learn to follow the rules of Ayden before the battles begin.
Tegan is gone, and that’s for the best. I’ll focus on my studies and try each day to push him out of my memories.
Kyran is gone as well. I’m certain he won’t find anything to connect Tegan to the Mystics, so there’s no need for me to fret about his accusations.
The girls trickle in as I finish my breakfast. Moira and Bronwyn converse together on the couch while Tamra fixes my hair. Hanna sits by my side, smiling serenely, but not speaking. I’m about to make the effort to get to know her better, but notice her dark eyes are focused inside herself. The air tingles around me. It reminds me of how the hair stands up on my arms before a lightning strike. I concentrate harder and can hear the buzz of another conversation. “Are you Mind Speaking with someone?”
Hanna’s shocked expression is filled with fear. She doesn’t answer me.
“It’s okay if you are,” I assure her.
“I’m sorry, Your Majesty. I didn’t know you were trained to sense the vibrations.”
“No one’s taught me.” Tamra pins up the last of my braids. “I’ve never felt it before.”
Her eyes widen. The same vibrations tell me she’s Mind Speaking to someone else. “My grandfather says you should inform Geran. This ability is one that Elders normally develop after much training.”
Hearing her mention her grandfather, I can’t help but picture Noam travelling with him. I wonder how my friend is doing and whether he’ll ever forgive me.
Hanna interrupts my thoughts. “Should I summon Geran?”
“No. Right now it’s time for my lessons with Simon.” I look up as Siobhan and Ivah enter the room. “Anyone else want to come?”
Little Ivah’s round face looks at me with worry. “Where?”
Bronwyn talks over her, “What kind of lessons?”
“I’m trying to improve my Latin.”
The blonde girl shakes her head. “Latin? What is that?”
“Reading.”
All the girls gasp. I keep forgetting how foreign a concept reading is to them.
Moira jumps up. “Would Simon teach us as well?”
I shrug. “I don’t see why not. Anyone else want to learn?”
Frown lines deepen between Siobhan’s brows. She gives the other girls a severe warning glance. “I do not think our fathers would approve of such instruction.”
Ivah withers under her gaze, but Hanna stands, eyes flashing with excitement. “I think all learning is beneficial. I would be honored to join you.”
I’m glad to see Hanna’s not just a pretty face, but a girl with backbone. “Good. Follow me.”
The four of us march down to the library together and all giggle at Simon’s surprised expression. My portly tutor is a trooper. While I try and translate for myself a decree I recently signed, Simon summons a servant to fetch tablets of clay and reeds. The morning passes quickly as the three girls take turns using reeds to trace the letters he writes, and then learn to make the shapes with actual ink. I have to interrupt their studies every few minutes for him to help me with a difficult word, but rather than being angry at the extra work, Simon seems invigorated.
We return to my rooms to find my family waiting. I know from the scowl Geran wears that Siobhan told him what we were doing. The older girl’s face is pinched tight. I knew she was going to be trouble. I decide to head off any argument with my father by telling him about my ability to sense Mind Speak. My ruse works.
“When did you discover this?” Geran asks.
“Just this morning.”
“And you’re sure no one told you how to read the air?” He turns to Devnet. “Did you teach her, perhaps? Back in the Sanctuary?”
My uncle shakes his head. “There was no time.”
I recount the morning’s strange events. Maris wants to further test my abilities, but no one else in my family can Mind Speak.
Hanna glides over to stand by my uncle. “May I be of service?”
My grandmother rubs her chin. “Are you able to speak to those without the gift?”
“No.” The young woman seems disappointed. “Only with those who already possess the ability themselves.”
Devnet offers her a gentle smile. “Do not be hard on yourself. There are few who can.” He glances at Geran. “What about Quinn?”
“It’s only been a day since their wedding.” I shake my head. “Do we really have to bother them about something as trivial as this?”
“It is not trivial.” Geran’s voice is harsh. “To have been given this ability, without any training, is unprecedented. We must learn what you can do.”
Maris nods. “Your father’s right. Things are moving quickly toward war and any gifts Ruahk has given you must be focused and exercised until you can wield them to help our side. It may be that you will one day be able to read another’s mind.”
I look away from her, feeling guilty.
It’s Devnet who guesses my secret. “You have done that as well?”
“Twice.” I don’t appreciate being interrogated by my family in front of an audience. I glance at the girls. “Could you leave us alone?”
They all seem disappointed to be denied learning about all my an
omalies, but they dutifully walk toward the door without grumbling.
“Why didn’t you tell us before?” Geran asks.
I wander over to the fireplace as the last girl exits. “The first time was after I’d been attacked in the Fey. So much had happened that day, I just wanted to forget it all.”
Maris puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Understandable. But we need to know what happened. What you experienced.”
“It was in the temple of the Ovates. With Sigal.” My body shudders as the memory of her gruesome death plays out in my mind. “She used the Chrysaline to try and break me. I don’t know if its energy somehow gave me more power, but I was able to read her mind.”
“Did you hear her thoughts? Or was it more of a vision?”
“I saw her.” A shiver of revulsion runs through me. “She wanted . . . she wanted to lead Braedon’s army. That would be her reward for breaking me.”
“You said you’ve done it twice.” Maris’s hand circles my back in a soothing motion. “Who else did you read?”
I let out a frustrated sigh. “Tamra.”
“Your maid?” Maris asks. “Why? Did you suspect her of something?”
“Only of knowing what had upset Kennis. It was the night Geran asked her to marry Devnet.”
“Is there anything else you haven’t told us?”
I might as well come clean. “I’ve seen Messengers.”
This is Devnet’s area of expertise. He’s unable to suppress his excitement. “I know you saw something back in the Sanctuary. Have you been visited since then?”
I nod.
“What do they look like?” He ignores his mother’s harsh look. “Do they speak?”
For some reason, I’m hesitant to tell them about the Messenger I saw at Kennis’s wedding. The imposing soldier and his warning are something I want to keep secret. Instead, I tell them about the golden figure that guided me to hide the Chrysaline. And the two that protected me long ago in the Bedouins’ tent when I first traveled to the Elders.
After telling them almost all the abilities I seem to have been given, I insist again that we leave Quinn out of the discussion, for at least one more day. Instead, Devnet spends the afternoon teaching me meditation techniques designed to help me communicate with the Messengers. Although I practice the exercises, I don’t let myself fully relax, afraid that I’ll receive another prophecy of doom.
