Love's Foolish Punch

by S M Mala

  ‘Because you need the money?’

  ‘And I need to focus on something other than…’ Molly looked at her tablet and turned it over. ‘People who have let me down. Or one person, to be precise.’

  Jamie smiled and took a sip of his wine before nodding. Molly looked at the surroundings and could hear posh laughter from a group of women. Then she examined Jamie further.

  Today he was wearing a long sleeved t-shirt with a granddad collar. He looked less polished than before, though he still hadn’t bothered to shave.

  ‘Squirrel filled me in about you,’ he eventually said then grinned. ‘You were successful, weren’t you?’

  ‘I was a puppeteer and the voice of a male baboon for a large broadcaster.’

  ‘That’s good, isn’t it?’ Jamie looked like he was going to giggle. ‘God, I read about it in the papers a couple of years back. It was very funny.’

  ‘So most people thought,’ she replied, gulping her wine but kept her tongue curbed so as not to rant. ‘My lovely parents supported me. They knew how hard it was for me to deal with. My work had gone and, frankly, I’ve learnt a great lesson.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Don’t pretend that sticking your hand up a baboon’s backside will give you security. Very likely, whether it’s a real baboon or not, you eventually get covered in shit.’

  He choked on his wine. Molly looked at the amusement on his face and tried not to smile.

  Jamie had a great laugh.

  ‘My sad life seems to give you amusement?’ she said, letting out a long sigh. ‘And you now know about the famous ex-boyfriend?’ He nodded in response. ‘He let me go within weeks of it happening because he got successful. And here, I thought he was going to pop the question but instead, he pops out of my life for good.’

  ‘You’re funny.’

  ‘Not really,’ she shrugged, finishing her glass only for him to fill it up again. ‘I’m just at a crossroads in my life and I don’t know what to do.’

  ‘Snap!’

  ‘Why are you having an affair with a bad man’s wife?’ she asked and watched his startled face scrunch up. ‘By pretending to be engaged, what will that do? Cover your tracks so you can carry on?’

  ‘I didn’t really know she was still with her husband.’

  ‘Really know?’

  ‘Okay, well I did, but one thing led to another and the affair began,’ he said, putting the wine bottle back into the ice bucket. ‘Thing is my brother, David, is a business associate of his and it might get tricky.’

  ‘Then stop the affair,’ she said, watching him squint. ‘It’ll save you from pretending to be engaged as well as spending cash.’

  ‘It doesn’t work like that.’

  ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘It’s not about whether the affair is continuing or not. It’s about the insult of me sleeping with his wife when I know he’s a friend of David’s. You have to have mutual respect, you see, not only for the business but the family.’

  ‘Sounds very mafia to me,’ she laughed and noticed Jamie stared. ‘It’s not mafia, is it?’

  ‘It’s more financial.’

  ‘What if he finds out about you sleeping with his wife? What will this man do to you?’

  ‘Probably stitch up my business.’ He let out an uncomfortable sigh.

  ‘Listen, sorry to rain on your parade but no-one’s going to believe you’ve suddenly got engaged, are they? You have to wine and dine someone, introduce them to your circle of friends. How can you do that with me? Why can’t you pick a woman you know and get them to do the deed?’

  ‘It’s not that simple.’

  ‘Try me,’ she replied, sipping her wine and staring into the hazel eyes twinkling back at her.

  Molly realised it wouldn’t be too hard to pretend she fancied the pants off him as he was really good eye candy.

  ‘I need someone who can pretend to be in love with me for thirteen weeks maximum. All they have to do is convince people that it’s a whirlwind romance, and we’re very much in love.’ There was a disgruntled look towards her. ‘And you’re a trained actress?’

  ‘Sometimes.’

  ‘But not that famous.’

  ‘Not famous at all.’

  ‘Other than your shit hot ex who seems to be gracing the pages of most housewife's magazines.’ Jamie double blinked at her.

  She tried to smile.

  It failed.

  ‘And you’re obviously still upset about the split?’

  She didn’t answer.

  Molly had one problem.

  She couldn’t hide what she was feeling which was why she was an actress, sometimes.

  ‘I’m not having sex with you,’ she said, wanting to change to subject.

  ‘Oh god! Don’t worry about that!’ he replied, gulping on his drink. ‘You’re very safe with me.’

  ‘And I’m not moving in.’

  ‘You have to spend two nights at mine and I’ll have to spend a night at yours. I thought Squirrel told you this?’

  ‘I live in a small two bedroom flat,’ she said quietly, wondering why she was getting pulled in. ‘This sounds like a silly trick to me. Stop sleeping with the woman, and all will be well.’

  ‘She makes me happy for now,’ he said with a half-smile.

  ‘And her husband’s going to make you into minced meat.’ Molly shrugged her shoulders. ‘If she loves you then-.’

  ‘I’m not talking love!’ he sharply replied, now getting edgy. ‘We’re having fun.’

  ‘Fun?’ shaking her hair, she didn’t know what to say. ‘Cheating on someone isn’t fun. Being cheated on isn’t fun. It hurts.’

  ‘I know.’

  They looked at each other.

  Neither one spoke because it was obvious it had been done to them, one time or another.

  ‘Will my life be in danger?’ Molly stared straight at him. Jamie started to laugh. ‘That’s a reasonable question if this bad man is really a bad man.’

  ‘You watch too much television.’

  ‘What are we talking here? The Sopranos or Only Fools’ and Horses? I need to know the level of how underhand this is.’

  ‘Why do you think it’s underhand?’ he said, leaning back in his chair. ‘You think I look like some small time crook?’

  ‘I said The Sopranos and Tony wasn’t small time,’ she smugly replied. ‘He was rather fat but that’s not a bad thing.’

  Jamie started to laugh, and she noticed how attractive he looked when he wasn’t scowling.

  ‘And this woman. What’s her name?’ she asked. Jamie stopped and glanced away. ‘Some young totty you can’t keep your hands off, I guess.’

  ‘She’s called Chloe and sixteen years older than me.’ He sipped his wine, and there was no mistaking the challenging stare. ‘The thing is she’s unhappy.’

  ‘And she’s got kids?’ Molly continued, seeing him grimace.

  ‘You’ve not asked how old I am.’

  ‘Is it important?’

  ‘Should be if we’re trying to get to know one another.’

  ‘How old is she?’

  ‘She’s forty-seven and no kids.’

  ‘Which makes you thirty-one?’ She grinned, knowing the answer. ‘So instead of having kids, she takes up with one.’

  ‘That’s a little harsh,’ he replied, sitting up straight.

  ‘I’m not criticising just pointing it out.’ Watching his glare, she knew a sore point had been hit. ‘And her husband is what?’

  ‘Nearly fifty.’

  Now Molly was smart enough to know when someone was getting upset. Jamie Cohen looked pissed off. Leaning closer, she tilted her head to one side.

  ‘If she wants to be with you then why not leave the husband?’ she eventually asked, sipping her drink. ‘Or is this just a casual fling that got out of hand? And before you get arsy, big respect for banging an older woman.’

  ‘I don’t think we’re going to get on,’ he said, shaking his head slowly fro
m side to side. ‘Do you always ask such inappropriate questions?’

  ‘I’m an actress. I have to know what the situation is and how you want me to play it.’

  ‘So you’re considering it?’

  ‘I’m considering, considering it.’

  Examining him closely, she wondered if it would be that bad. It would be like getting some practice without paying for additional drama classes.

  ‘How would you want me to be?’

  ‘Really quiet. I mean, shy and not saying much.’

  ‘Oh,’ Molly replied, knowing that would be hard. ‘Can’t I be a bit lively?’

  ‘And you have to trick everyone into believing you’re madly in love with me. I have to do the same thing.’ Jamie cleared his throat. ‘I did A’ level drama and could pull it off after a few drinks.’

  ‘Because being sober would be harder for you?’ She laughed, knowing an insult when she heard one. He was about to open his mouth. ‘I’m not offended. As long as you’re honest with me then that’s fine. Like I pointed out, I’m not a prostitute, and I won’t clean your home. You need to tell me where and when to meet you. And we have to get to know each other.’

  He didn’t look keen.

  ‘It's whirlwind!’ he said, letting out a loud laugh. ‘We’re getting to know each other as it goes along.’

  ‘Oh, good grief,’ she mumbled. ‘No one’s going to be convinced, you know that don’t you?’

  The match…

  ‘Here’s an engagement ring.’

  Jamie and Molly were standing in the middle of Hyde Park on a very grey day.

  It was cold for the beginning of November and Molly wanted to go for a pee.

  He handed over a small red pouch. She pulled something bulky out.

  It was a pair of mini boxing gloves and attached was a ring.

  ‘I don’t get it,’ she said, trying to figure out what it was. ‘They won’t fit my hands.’

  ‘The boxing gloves hold the fob to get you in and out of the boxing gyms, that’s if you want to go. And that’s the ring, obviously.’

  At first it looked real then she noticed the tag was scribbled on and ripped. It looked like it said ‘9.99’.

  ‘You really splashed out,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘And you want me to go to a boxing gym?’ Molly snorted a laugh. ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘It’s free so you might as well make the most of it to keep in shape,’ he said with a wry smile.

  ‘I see,’ she said, sniffing at his comment and holding her tummy in. ‘And where’s the proposal?’

  ‘Will you pretend to marry me?’ he asked, blowing onto his hands. ‘And we call off the engagement on 31st January. Agreed?’

  Molly tried to get the tag off the ring and realised her hands were too cold. He grabbed it and bit the string. Then he took her hand and shoved it on her engagement finger.

  ‘It’s very pretty, this tennis ball diamond thing,’ she said, examining it. ‘And it looks real. Oh well, first and only time I’ll ever get engaged.’

  Then a cold wind came whipping across her face, nearly removing her woollen hat.

  ‘Look Molly,’ Jamie said, the collar of his reefer jacket up. ‘Don’t take it personally but you can’t come out with me looking like that.’

  ‘Like what?’ she said, instantly putting her hands in her pocket.

  ‘That coat has to go.’

  ‘It’s my Paddington Bear duffle coat!’ she said with alarm, wrapping her arms around it. ‘What are you saying?’

  ‘You need to smarten up if you want to be with me.’

  ‘Typical man,’ she hissed. ‘Trying to change me now you’ve slipped a ring on my finger.’ Molly grinned. ‘I don’t like shopping for clothes.’

  ‘I can see that.’ Jamie smiled. ‘No offence but you’re going to have to look like you spend some money on yourself. I’ll sort it.’

  ‘I don’t think so!’ she sharply shot back. ‘I buy my own clothes.’

  Jamie took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. She examined the stubble on his chin and knew he’d been in a mood since they’d met five minutes earlier. Then he looked down into her eyes.

  ‘How tall are you?’ she asked, trying to figure it out.

  ‘Five foot ten.’

  ‘I’m five foot one. A fact you need to know.’

  ‘We’re going to have to trick people into believing it was love at first sight. Quite seriously, I wouldn’t have given you a second look.’ She was about to snap at him in response. ‘I know that sounds a little cruel but you’re dressed like a twelve year old.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have looked at you as you’re too smooth,’ Molly said, giving him a disgruntled glance. ‘I bet you wear suits. I take it you go to court quite a lot.’

  ‘Oh god,’ he sighed, standing up straight. ‘What size are you?’

  ‘What a question to ask?’

  Molly started to walk quickly towards the Kensington side of the park.

  ‘I need to know if you don’t want to come shopping. Obviously, it’ll be short or petite but what size. Sixteen?’

  ‘How dare you!’ she said turning around and giving one of her full dirty glares. ‘What are you trying to say?’

  ‘You have a bust and bottom,’ Jamie replied. She could see he’d found the comment amusing. ‘Curvaceous is what they call it.’

  She carried on walking, shaking her head in dismay.

  ‘Okay, fourteen!’ he said and she stopped. ‘A comfortable fourteen. And how big are your feet? Thirty-four? Size three?’

  ‘What is it with you? If this is how you want to keep me sweet you’re going the wrong way about it,’ she said from over her shoulder. ‘Thirty-eight and a size five!’

  He was running behind her then matched her stride. Molly looked up at him smiling down. She sneered in response.

  ‘Anything I need to know about you?’ he asked. ‘I mean, anything personal?’

  ‘You know of my ex and how I used to earn a living. I work part time as a drama teacher, do promotional work for Squirrel and shifts in a taxi office in the week.’ Jamie ground to a halt as Molly turned. ‘It’s perfectly safe and the men make me laugh. Don’t go telling me I have to give it up because I won’t. I have a mortgage and bills to pay. Thing is when you live with someone, and they walk off, the bills don’t go away, and I’m not entitled to any of his earnings. On the plus side, he’s not entitled to any part of my home, so it works out well.’

  Jamie seemed uncomfortable when he looked at her.

  ‘You don’t get television work or anything?’ he asked quietly.

  ‘Have you taken a good look at me? What would I be cast in? Leading lady? No.’ She noticed he looked sadly at her. ‘I’m a failed aspiring actress. My agent has told me to focus on voice over work. Every month I get a few sessions, and it helps. Also, I’m working on new programme ideas for my puppet. I’ve not totally given up.’

  It hit her hard, the need to explain her work. As pitiful as it sounded, it was the truth and no-one could accuse her of not paying her own way in life.

  ‘My parents are very sweet and they still believe in me. I haven’t got the heart to say I’ve been tricking them and don’t even believe in myself. They sacrificed things to pay for drama school. I’ll give up when I’m forty.’

  He hadn’t moved and was staring.

  ‘This is good,’ he said, nodding and walking straight past her, so she now had to run to keep up. ‘In depth knowledge shows we’ve become close.’

  ‘Really?’ Molly wasn’t convinced. ‘What about you?’

  ‘I went to University to study business and women,’ he laughed. ‘Then I didn’t know what I wanted to do. My mother has always worked for herself and so did my dad. When he passed away, my brother took over, and I worked for him. Then I got pissed off and decided to buy a boxing gym in Islington with his help. Over the past few years, I’ve acquired more sites, and they’re doing well. It’s all mine, and I enjoy it.’ Jamie smiled then looked dow
n. ‘We also run boxercise classes, one to one fitness training, the whole works. You can come, and you won’t have to pay.’

  ‘I don’t like exercise,’ she replied, trying not to get run over by two large afghan hounds coming in her direction. ‘And I don’t like dogs. I had a cat that died recently, and I’m liable to start crying about it when I get drunk.’

  ‘Fair play,’ he said then started to laugh. ‘You have to stay at my place come the weekends and Tuesday nights, then I can stay at yours on Thursdays.’

  ‘Why those days?’

  ‘It suits my diary.’

  ‘You mean I’m covering for your shagging around, don’t you?’

  He frowned.

  Molly strode alongside him, and Jamie started to slow down so she could keep up. They walked in silence as she looked at the trees and how the leaves were starting to change colour.

  Jamie didn’t seem so bad, but something didn’t quite add up.

  ‘It seems a lot of trouble to go to, being engaged to me,’ Molly said. The disgruntled glare came back. ‘What if we get rumbled?’

  ‘We won’t. Just pretend you’re desperately in love.’

  ‘You’ll have to do the same thing.’ She hesitated. ‘I realise you broke up with someone a year or so ago, and this will be thought of like a rebound. That’s a good thing because it means it will be an understandable mistake.’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about personal things with you,’ Jamie said, stopping to look down. His eyes couldn’t hide the pain. ‘We keep it to the surface and then we’ll get on.’

  ‘Sorry.’ Molly glanced at the ground. ‘I didn’t mean to be rude.’

  ‘You're not rude but it’s too close to the bone.’

  ‘Mine was amputated, so I know it’s missing.’ Just then she looked up at him. She wasn’t quite sure if the pain was for her or him. ‘I’m just about coping.’

  ‘I don’t think you are.’

  She had to look away.

  Molly knew she wasn’t doing a good job, and there was only so much she could hide.

  The small bout of depression after Sam left, said it all. She knew she’d have to keep that to herself.