Fallen Angel (The List #3)

by N. K. Love

  We slept together once and got to talking afterwards. I met her during the lowest part of my life and she gave me an out. Carmel offered me a solution. She connected me to a unit of mostly anonymous associates, resulting in me getting involved in an underworld that was new to me. It served to numb me and satisfied the need to right wrongs.

  “The girl, what you said to her, I understand why but it wasn’t your place. You overstepped the mark. Do you understand?”

  “I was merely looking out for you—”

  “—which is why I’m giving you a bly.”

  “A what?”

  “A bly—a chance. Don’t ever interfere with my personal life again. You know that better than most.”

  “Alright. I get it.”

  “Good.”

  “Are we, good?”

  “For now.”

  I put the phone down, confident that my tone said even more to her than my words did.

  Next I contact work and explain that I’d been injured and would be off for the foreseeable future. I know that I’ll be on my feet soon enough but if I’m honest with myself, my head is all over the place at the moment and I’d rather take a leave of absence. The CEO said that we’d make it work provided I could continue working from home and maybe attend conference calls prior to the Devon weekend.

  Devon. I won’t be able to compete now but I can still attend and co-ordinate.

  Once 24/7 was sorted, I logged onto both of my laptops and submerged myself seamlessly into the hacker’s world of code. It’s always been one of my favourite places to be, surrounded by the ones and zeros. A home from home.

  Job complete, I took a slow walk downstairs and ventured as far as the pool before Jack called me back to the house. He needed to leave. I took a shower downstairs as best I could, then Jack changed all the dressing and left shortly afterwards.

  I felt better being back on my feet, albeit a half-assed attempt at it. It’s only been a few days but being immobile is so far out of my comfort zone. Looking out over the fields triggered a call to Paul, a lad from a local farm. He and his mate Matt, who lives at another farm nearby, do odd jobs for me when I need spare hands. I arranged for them to bring a tractor to cut back the fields and hedges to make it more presentable. It’s a job I usually enjoy doing myself but it makes sense to get the lads to sort it next week, otherwise it’ll be overgrown by the time I can get around to it.

  My finance guy sent a message, giving me the nod that all went through smoothly.

  8:12pm

  Well, I got everything done today and I’ve just been rewarded in the most unpredictable way. Beth is on her way over and not just to visit, she’s going to stay the night too. Apparently, although Willow’s not been back long, they came to a mutual agreement that they’d both stay out tonight.

  You’re getting attached Jax. No, that’s wrong. I’m already attached. It’s pointless denying it any more so I’m not even going to pretend otherwise.

  Beth arrives shortly afterwards and we settle down on the sofa. She brought snacks and a movie. When the opening title lights up the large plasma screen hanging on the chimney breast, she can’t wipe the grin off her face even though she doesn’t look at me. It’s Gladiator.

  “Have you seen it?”

  Taking a handful of sweet popcorn from the bucket on the table, she pops some in her mouth.

  “Yes but not for a while so I’d say it’s another excellent choice, Beth.”

  Her last movie choice was Pineapple Express and it was a great night. Admittedly, that was mostly down to snacking on her sweet pussy, not popcorn.

  “Glad you think so, it’s become a favourite of mine lately.”

  Unfortunately, I’ve no choice but to sit upright on my large sofa, somewhat limiting me. Beth can’t seem to get comfortable and fidgets every five minutes readjusting her position. Halfway through the movie, she tucks her feet up underneath her. I put a small cushion on my lap and gesture for her to lie down.

  Once she’s laying with her head on my lap, I have perfect access to brush her soft long hair back off her shoulders and stroke her smooth neck. I smooth my hand up and down her spine hypnotically. It’s not even sexual—it could easily become sexual in a heartbeat—but I marvel at how satisfying it is to simply be in her company.

  To feel her beneath my touch. Having her near me makes me breathe easy, knowing she’s safe—even though she’s not mine. I drag my fingers along her thigh, up over the curve of her hip, appreciating the dips and peaks of her beautiful body at every angle.

  “Mmm… Stop. You’re distracting me from Russell.”

  I curl my hand around her hip and let it come to rest on her slender waist, gliding my fingers to rest just beneath the waistband of her skinny bootcut trousers where her blouse is tucked in.

  “Here’s me thinking I was the only gladiator in your life.”

  I see her cheeks rise so I know she’s smiling but she doesn’t respond. She takes my hand and instead of holding it, she moves it back behind her, indicating for me to ignore her request to stop.

  For the rest of the movie she doesn’t fidget once. Content under my caress, where she belongs. I stare at the screen trying to pay attention but my head’s elsewhere. The resounding acknowledgement being that this—Beth and I, relaxing in my home—feels right, it’s what I want. I can’t explain it but with Bethany I’m able to switch off from everything else. She makes it okay to block out the world and focus on the moment.

  I’ve spent my entire life distracting myself with surpassing my goals, that I’ve ignorantly sacrificed the journey. Just like how Beth summarised her last relationship, saying she was so determined to achieve her ‘happily ever after’ that she didn’t realise all the sacrifices she’d made along with way.

  I’ve never wanted, and therefore never deserved, to be in a loving relationship with somebody. I wrote that idea off from the get go and have never looked back... Until now, with my sweet B.

  Being so adamant that relationships equal complications, means I’ve never considered the possibility of finding somebody who is the exception to the rule.

  But I didn’t find her did I? She found me. Without even knowing it, she crept effortlessly under my skin from day one and she’s been a part of me ever since.

  Reflecting back, I can still see the pain in her eyes when she was working her magic, patching me up. It’s gut wrenching to know I was responsible for it. The worst moment by far being when she stood between my knees, cleaning the blood off my face; I watched as her eyes first glazed over as though she was daydreaming, like her mind wasn’t in the room any more. Then she cried painfully silent tears, her chin quivered whilst she pursed her pouty lips together, fighting it back, regaining her composure. Each tear that fell was like a punch to my heart; Selfish bastard. Heartless prick. Let her go. You did this.

  As strong and true as those accusations were, the compelling urge to have her in my life is even stronger.

  What happened that night has planted a seed of doubt in my mind for the first time and I know that it’s solely down to Beth’s influence, the affect she has on me. Is there a way that I can have Beth in my life, existing side by side with my other world? Do I have to let her go or is there another way? I already went over and over this in my mind last night—so I already have my answers.

  I told her that I wanted to try and open up more to her because I know she wholeheartedly trusts me, as I do her. She deserves so much more. So the very least I can do is to be better to her, for her. No matter how long we are a ‘we’, I owe her to push my own boundaries and get out of this crippling comfort zone.

  The credits are rolling on the screen. I’m still stroking my fingers lazily up and down her back, hypnotising us both into utter relaxation. Now is as good a time as any to start as I mean to progress.

  “Beth, you know yesterday you said that we can pick up where we left off?” She nods and I carry on stroking her back. “I don’t think we can.”

  I feel her back mu
scles stiffen beneath her blouse and she slowly turns her head to face me.

  “Go on.”

  “When so much happens in such quick succession, over a short space of time, it seems to blend into one and you forget where one emotion ends and a new one begins. When I came to 24/7 last week, I told you that you make me want to try and find the words, to open up and talk to you. I stand by what I said. I know I don’t make it easy, that I’m closed off from emotions and I don’t talk about my feelings—”

  “Jax, you’re wrong. You may think you’re that way but I disagree. In the time I’ve known you, I’ve learned that words aren’t always necessary. Well, not with us anyway. The only time it’s confusing is when we make it that way.” She clears her throat before continuing. “Remember that night in the kitchen when you spoke about mixed messages? Telling me that my body contradicted what I’d tell you, feeding you mixed messages. Lately, call it Karma if you like, but I find our roles have reversed and being on the receiving end of that is confusing as hell.”

  “What, I’m confusing you?”

  Beth sits up and swivels to face me.

  “Yes. You’ve never been one to shy away from your attitude towards relationships and getting close to people. I know you prefer to keep people at arm’s length but it doesn’t feel like that applies to me anymore. That might just be wishful thinking though.”

  I run my thumb over the softness of her bottom lip as she speaks my mind for me.

  “No. I think you may be right.”

  “Well, I was thinking last night about what you said yesterday. You told me that you can’t offer me any more than friendship but what you fail to realise is that whether or not you like it, you already give me so much more than that.”

  “Beth, I know what you’re saying but that doesn’t mean we can be anything more than friends in the end.”

  “And that’s where I always hit a brick wall Jax.” Beth tucks her knees underneath her and picks up the cushion from my lap, cuddling it as she speaks. “I’m overwhelmed by all the craziness sometimes—but eventually I’m always able to strip that away, leaving just you and me and I don’t understand why you have to stamp a big fat end date on us. Before now, I’ve stopped myself from speaking about it in case you thought I was getting clingy, too afraid that I’d push you away. Remember, I didn’t want to be that girl. But now, I feel like whatever this is between us, deserves recognition.”

  She takes hold of my hand and looks at me so I know she’s not withdrawing and she continues.

  “So now it’s my turn to tell you… You say that we’re friends and we can never be more but your body tells me I’m already more to you than that.” An uneasy feeling is building up inside, sensing I’m losing control of the conversation. I was planning on pushing myself outside my comfort zone but it seems my insightful Little Miss Contradiction would prefer to drag me out instead. “Our physical attraction is obvious but—”

  Her momentum falters as I hear the whisper of emotion creeping into her words.

  “But what?”

  Knotting our fingers together, she stares at our hands.

  “—but this, what we’ve found, it’s more than that. When our eyes lock—” She looks up at me again. “—they say so much more than either of us ever manage to articulate. Without saying it, we both already know how much we care about each other. So why are we overcomplicating this?”

  “Of course I care about you. This was never meant to get complicated, remember? It was supposed to be a simple ‘no strings’ arrangement. Maybe I shouldn’t have invited you to stay, because then perhaps we wouldn’t have gotten so close. Or maybe, it was inevitable. That’s how it seems sometimes—between us—like it’s already been mapped out somehow.”

  Beth smiles and I can tell by her face, that she knows exactly what I mean.

  “Jax, all I want right now is for you to remove the imaginary barrier you’ve clamped down on us. You stripped away the barrier I put up at the start, didn’t you? Remember, you said it was ‘psychological’ when I was worried I was so inexperienced that you’d completely annihilate me.” She smiles, shaking her head at the memory. God, that seems like an age ago now. “Well, we soon overcame that, which was stopping us from being together, so why can’t we do that with yours?”

  Hearing her take the reins in this conversation is evidence enough as to how far we’ve come. Plus she hasn’t hesitated or got flustered once. She’s confident and determined. I brush her loose hair behind her ears and take hold of her beautiful face.

  “We can.”

  “What?”

  “I said we—”

  My ‘can’ gets efficiently swallowed by her incredible mouth. We kiss at a slow and meaningful pace. Christ, I will never tire of her mouth on me. She tastes of the fresh orange juice that she’s been sipping this evening. As much as this girl turns me on, I don’t feel the urge to run my hands and mouth all over her body—okay so now I do—but this kiss tells me everything I need to know and reassures me that whatever the fuck just happened, is the right decision.

  I slowly pull away and look into her huge hazelnut eyes.

  “I’m not making any promises Angel, or declarations of forever. But for me, it’d be wrong to carry on pretending you’re the same as anybody else. You are special and I don’t want to ever give you reason to think otherwise. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do about other parts of my life but in the meantime I want us to just be able to go with the flow—”

  “—without having to look over our shoulders, wondering when our time’s up, feeling like we’re living on borrowed time.”

  “Exactly. Beth, the chemistry between us—”

  “—the crackle of energy when we’re near—”

  “Yes. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever come close to experiencing before. I’m drawn to you relentlessly. I miss you when you’re not around and this home feels fulfilled when you’re here.”

  “Wow. Just wow.” We study each other’s faces for a while longer, adjusting to our new reality. “Well… as ever, I’m always eager to please and to compromise when it comes to you G. So, how about I stick around for a bit?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Wills mom is moving in with her on Wednesday, so I could relinquish my room and stay here for a bit, whilst you get back on your feet properly. Say, ‘til the end of the week?”

  “That sounds perfect, if you’re sure.”

  She nods eagerly with a massive smile lighting up her face.

  “So we’re officially seeing each other now then—like boyfriend and girlfriend kinda ‘seeing each other’?”

  I nod slowly, matching her infectious grin.

  “It appears so, Angel. I think I’m just as shocked as you.”

  That conversation took a whole new turn, I didn’t set out for this, I don’t think, but it feels undeniably fated.

  “But it’s definitely what you want though, yeah? Exclusive, not just sexclusive?”

  “Definitely. Now come and kiss your wounded boyfriend.”

  She obliges.

  ‘Boyfriend’, now that’s going to take some fucking getting used to. I can’t deny though, it feels good to make this decision and act on it instead of constantly sticking to my stubborn guns and trying to suppress my emotions.

  Beth covers her face with her hands but when I pull them away I see her face is still alight with excitement. She looks so happy and it’s in stark contrast to the other night when she was so distraught. This time, I’m grateful to know that I made her feel this way.

  We cuddle and kiss and stroke and touch and smile and laugh for some long-ass minutes. I lose track of time and it feels perfect.

  Somewhere amid the kissing and touching, the energy between us flickers from sparks to flames. I’m surprised we’ve lasted this long to be honest.

  “You wanna go upstairs B?”

  “Not unless you’d prefer to. You’re actually perfectly positioned for what I have in mind for you.”

  �
��Really? And are you going to enlighten me?”

  “Let’s just say it involves, less clothes and more… skin. Less talking and more… tasting.”

  The way she’s talking right now is doing it for me. The fact that’s she’s oblivious to exactly how sexy she is, makes her all the more intoxicating. She swivels her feet onto the carpet and takes another sip of her orange juice, offering me some in turn.

  “So, this is what’s gonna happen. I’m going to the kitchen to get a refill for us. You’re going to use that fancy contraption of yours to put some music on.”

  “Anything in particular Boss?”

  “Careful Jax, I could get used to that… Anything slow and sexy.”