Always Angel (The List #4)

by N. K. Love

  “Yes.” He demands. “Of course it is. I’m going out of my mind without you here, where you belong. Now, Beth, can you tell me where you are and who you’re with, please?”

  “Relax, I’m not out out. I’m with Mike at our place, his place… hold up, no it’s actually your fucking place! Now that’s a head fuck right there.”

  I giggle at the ridiculousness of it all, even though I know Jax is more than likely busy thinking about me being alone with another man.

  “Okay.” He eventually says, far too calmly.

  “You’re clenching your jaw, Jax. I can tell.”

  “I can’t help it. We need to talk, but not like this… B, if you’re okay and you’ve got company, why did you call me?”

  “You made a wish… And I guess I followed my instinct, which seems to always lead back to you, huh?”

  “That’s the way it should always be. So if I wished for you to—”

  “I wouldn’t expect you to push me, Jax.”

  “You’re right… So, what are you doing, right now, at Mike’s?”

  “Sitting on the toilet… Not sitting on the toilet. I’m just sitting on it, on top of—”

  “I get it, Angel.” I hear his smirk. “I know the answer to this, but I need to ask it anyway.”

  “Go on. Let’s hear it.”

  “Do you need me to collect you, to drive you home?”

  “No, thank you, Jax. I need this time, to think an’stuff.”

  “Let me send a car instead then?”

  “Nope. Thanks though. I’m just gonna crash here I reckon. We’re both shattered… I’d better go, anyway.”

  “Wait, B, hold on. Did you grant my other wishes?”

  “Which wishes?”

  “The parcels I’ve sent…You haven’t opened them, have you?”

  “Ooops. Sorry. I haven’t found the right frame of mind yet. I will open them, Jax… I’ll call you again soon and when I’m sober. Maybe I should’ve waited to call you. I admit, though, it does feel sweet to talk to you.”

  “God, I fucking miss you, Angel...” I miss you too. “If I could touch you, or just hold you and breathe you in. If only for a minute, I—”

  “Please, Jax. Please don’t make this harder than it already is.”

  “Sorry. Thanks for calling me… Goodnight, B. Sweet dreams.”

  “Goodnight—” I inhale quickly, wanting to say ‘I love you’, but stop myself. My heart tightens. I know I’m hurting him, which only adds to my heartache. But, I have to remind myself that he has caused my heartache. His decisions have caused this.

  Jax is still at the other end of the phone. Waiting. Waiting for me. But for how long?

  I end the call.

  8:09pm

  After my random conversation with Jax, I vacated the bathroom and went back down to the lounge where I found Mike tucked up underneath a fluffy, faux fur blanket on the sofa. I stared back at my phone and considered calling a cab. The thought of the cold breeze outside was more than enough to send me stumbling over to climb underneath the blanket with Mike.

  Yeah, it was fucking strange to fall asleep with my cheating, gay, soon-to-be-ex-husband. But, Fuck It, it felt right. For the first time, I have closure.

  We talked some more this morning, over lots of strong coffee. Then, I waved him off to pastures new, with both of us smiling warily about what our near futures may hold. He was going to drop the keys at the estate agents on the way to the airport. I saw little point in telling him that Jax is the new owner.

  So the divorce is underway, which is a positive step forward in my life.

  When I reached home, another parcel had arrived, yet it was still destined for the same waiting place as the others.

  My mom was already packed with a train ticket booked so, after a cup of coffee and a chat, I drove her to the train station. I really didn’t think she’d go home yet. I guess mothers know best and she told me that she didn’t think I’d move forward as long as she was around. Admittedly, she has been taking care of me and I don’t want to get in the habit of leaning on her.

  I’m not sure how I would’ve coped had she not been around this week to drag me out of bed, to cook for me, to help me settle into my new place, and most of all, to just be there for me. I swear, when I’ve read about women going through turmoil in a relationship, they always seem to lose weight and wither away. Well, that sure as hell hasn’t happened to me! Between my mom’s home cooking and my alcohol-driven midnight fridge-raiding, I’ve put weight on.

  I think I’ll blame it on ‘comfort eating’ because I definitely found a lot of comfort in that huge bag of crisps I bought the other day, which were clearly labelled ‘Even better to share’. Of course when I bought them, I had absolutely no intention of sharing them whatsoever—and I didn’t. It’s like I’ve been eating for two, and it appears Miss Alter Ego has an insatiable appetite for packets of chocolates too. She’s rendered the resealable stickers pointless as the packets never get the opportunity to be resealed.

  Even though I was hung-over this morning, my mom’s departure surprisingly put me in good spirits. I took advantage of my newfound energy and hit the gym. Admittedly, I did check and double-check that Jax’s car wasn’t in his usual space before I went in. I spent most of the time praying I wouldn’t bump into Jax, but I still enjoyed working out—albeit feeling very unfit. I think I was actually sweating whiskey at one point. I kept my head down on the treadmill, with my ponytail sporadically whipping me in the face, taunting me with each swipe; ‘Even. Better. To. Fucking. Share?’

  Keeping up with my positive vibes, I reached out to Willow and invited her here for a girl’s night in. She has supported me by giving me the wide berth I needed at first. She knows that Jax and I have hit a rocky patch and that I had to ride out a few days of self-pity and misery before stepping back into the real world and trying to face my situation head on.

  “Hello there, stranger!”

  Wills grips me in a bear hug, clonking me in the back with a bottle of wine in the process.

  “Hey, you.”

  She lets me go and I shut the door behind her, expecting her to walk through into the sitting area, but turn to find she hasn’t moved.

  “Let me get a good look at you.” She holds my chin with her free hand and studies my face carefully. “Okay. As suspected, the verdict is, you look like crap and your sparkle has officially gone. Diagnosis is, you’re suffering from symptoms of a broken heart.”

  “I’m not gonna argue with that.”

  “Well, we’d better see what this bottle of plonk and I can do to remedy this shit!”

  Wills kisses me full on the lips and grabs my hand, dragging me through to the kitchen.

  “B, how do you wanna do this?” I pass Wills the corkscrew and fetch two large glasses. “I need to be here for you. I’ve kept my distance like you wanted, but that’s it now. I need to know what I can do to help you through this.”

  Wills pours the wine and hands me a glass.

  “Well, I cried a little when I said goodbye to Mom earlier, but I haven’t ‘Jax-cried’ today. So that’s progress.”

  “I’ll toast to that mini victory!” I smile as we clink glasses and take a long, slow sip of her well-chosen, fruity Prosecco. “I understand you don’t want to give me details, I do, but you’ve gotta give me something to go by?”

  “Okay.” I think carefully about how to phrase this. “Jax opened up to me about his past. It’s some crazy, deep stuff that I’m struggling to get my head around, but I’m getting there.”

  “Okay. Well, that’s good.”

  “Mmm, it is, but then he’s also told me about something that, if we stay together, may ultimately affect our future… Now, that’s the sticking point. That’s what is fucking me over.”

  Wills leans an elbow on the kitchen work surface, sipping her wine with a look of indecision. I jump up to sit on the kitchen unit opposite her, even though I have a perfectly lovely sofa and chair just a few feet away.
>
  “B, I’m not even gonna hazard a guess about what the fuck it is, but why don’t you tell me how these last few days have been without him? Maybe we can hash it out and weigh up the pros and cons that way.”

  “That’s easy; it’s been awful. So much worse than I could’ve imagined. Everywhere I look there’s memories of him… I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve scrolled through the photos in my phone, especially the ones I took on the sly, like when he was feeding the ducks or cooking or sleeping.”

  “Lemme guess, he’s got his own folder in your gallery, huh?!”

  I shrug and she smirks, shaking her head.

  “That’s not the half of it… My guilty pleasure is sniffing his shirt—the one I kept from our first time together.” I cover my mouth and then admit, “I’ve never washed it.” Wills just giggles and I join her before being more serious, which is what she wants to hear. “I think I fell in love with him so fast and so hard, my heart’s still trying to keep up. It’s like my brain’s trying to call a timeout, but my heart and my body crave him nonstop. Literally, nonstop!”

  I sip away at my wine and Wills investigates the refrigerator for nibbles. She hones in on some grapes and cheddar, bringing them over on a chopping board. Hoisting herself up beside me, we both tuck in.

  “Is that how you left it then, saying you need time apart?”

  “Yep. He hasn’t called or turned up here, which I was half expecting.”

  “Well, he respects your request to give you space.”

  “But for how long? He said he’d fight for us.”

  “And that’s what he’s doing. He knows it’d be stupid for him to suffocate you and not follow your wishes… So, you’ve not spoken to him at all?”

  “Not until about one o’clock this morning.”

  I fail to suppress the smile plastering itself across my face. I crunch some juicy, green grapes and shake my head at Wills’ arched eyebrow.

  “Cold turkey’s a bitch, B! Did it curb your craving at all?”

  “I was wasted, but I do remember it, I think. Most of all, I remember his voice. The sound of his breathing, the sound of his smile—he just gives me the most incredible butterflies and—”

  “Yes, I think I know the kind of butterflies you’re talking about. Did you talk serious, or was it a drunk-dialing, ‘I’m wet and horny without you’ type of situation?”

  “Erm… Neither, thanks.” Wills gives me an innocent ‘What-did-I-say?’ shrug. “Thinking about it though, you’re right about one thing. You know, when you said it’s like I’ve tried to go cold turkey. From all, to nothing. That’s what has crucified my ability to function properly this entire week. I needed a fix of Jax. Is that wrong? Am I being weak, considering I’m the one that wanted some space to think?”

  “Of course it’s not wrong, babe, and you’re not weak either! It makes complete sense. Like you say, your head’s a foggy mess without him around. You’re going to drive yourself nuts. I know how much you love him, B. How do you expect yourself to make any important decisions when you’re getting yourself in a state because you’re not in contact with him?”

  “I don’t want to see him just yet, though. Well, I do, but I can’t. That might mess me up even more. Shit. Relationship downtime is the worst. When the adrenalin leaves, you’re just left with beautiful memories that haunt you constantly.”

  “Hey, B. I don’t know the full story, but the way I see it is when you were with Mike, he didn’t make you feel a tenth of the woman you feel like when you’re with Jax. Just look at my relationship with my dad. He’s done things that I don’t agree with, but I would never be without him… Jax has turned your life around and made you happy… So how about you call him if you wanna call him? Or, text him if you wanna text him? That sounds like a compromise, where you sate your Jax appetite a little whilst maintaining the physical distance.”

  “Yeah, that sounds doable. I think it’ll help get my head back on track.”

  “It’s worth a shot, B. Anything is better than how you’re handling things at the moment.”

  “I know. Locking myself away in my bedroom at night gets me feeling claustrophobic. My rogue thoughts become like little devils possessing me—”

  “Little drunken devils?” I pause, mid-sip and look at her. “Yeah, I’ve been speaking to your mom… What? You don’t think she knew you’d been going to bed early to drink yourself into a stupor and cry yourself to sleep?”

  “She never said.” I whisper. I slide off the side and walk over to grab the bottle from the refrigerator.

  “That’s because she’s an awesome mother. Look, we both love you very much. You didn’t want to talk to us, so we spoke to each other instead. Neither of us want to see you hurting, babe.”

  I refill our glasses.

  “I feel so ashamed, Wills. I know it was deceitful, but I just didn’t want her to see… to see how shit I’ve been coping without him. I wanted her to see the strong minded daughter she raised me to be… I’ve been feeling so…so broken.”

  “Well, she knew, and she also knew that you needed to work this out for yourself. By Thursday, I wanted to come and give you a good shake, but she explained that it’s your life and you know what’s best for you—even if you don’t realise it yet. You will find your own way.”

  “God, I love you two so much. You’re both pretty wonderful to me. Thank you.”

  “All I’m going to say is, if you’re feeling broken, don’t be glass. Be a motherfucking glow stick, B. Go and fucking shine. Take your brightness wherever your heart pulls you.”

  I go and stand between her legs to give her a massive, heartfelt cuddle. I actually feel uplifted. The prospect of allowing myself to contact Jax has my stomach in delicious knots. Then the reassurance that my loved ones utterly get me, makes me wanna stand taller and hold my head up, rather than lock myself away. I can do this, whatever ‘this’ is. I’m going to be a motherfucking glow stick!

  “Alright, you can stop now. You’ve held on just a little too long, babe… Okay… Now, it’s getting a little weird, B… No, seriously. Your tits are literally rubbing on my thighs in a move that I may be forced to act upon.”

  I laugh and intentionally squeeze her a little tighter before letting go.

  “How do you always know what to say to cheer me up?”

  “Well, a wise, sexy, feisty, young lady once said ‘Always use humour as your therapy’.”

  “Let me guess who. You?”

  “You’re oh so close… It was Jessi J!” Giggling, Wills hops off the side and reaches for her mobile phone, tapping away at the screen. “She also said ‘Mamma Knows Best’ and she was definitely right about that one. Wouldn’t you agree?”

  Cue the track bursting out of her phone speakers. She throws it on the side and we dance around the apartment barefoot and happy, singing our hearts out.

  Between Wills, my mom and Jessi—I’m feeling so much more ready to move forward.

  After some pretty horrendous vocals murdering “Masterpiece”, we nailed “Do It Like A Dude”.

  Finishing the rest of the wine by topping it up with lemonade for a spritzer, I take a thirsty swig, whilst still out of breath.

  “Oh yeah, Wills. I have some news that may be of interest to you.”

  “Yeah? Spill!”

  “You ready?” She nods impatiently. “Mike is gay!”

  Chapter Three

  Monday 11th May 2015

  7:50am

  Beth

  So it’s a fresh start to a new week. Thanks to Wills, last night was exactly what I needed. We behaved ourselves and refrained from ransacking my wine rack. I had jaw ache from laughing so hard. Another upside being that I went for the longest time without daydreaming of Jax or feeling consumed by the reminders of him that pop up everywhere.

  Although, when she innocently gave me a three-fingered salute, I couldn’t help being catapulted back onto a certain staircase. Remembering where I’d imagined Miss Alter Ego doing such a thing whils
t Jax worshipped my body with his own three-fingered salute. Obviously Wills wanted in on the joke and after that, she convinced me to embrace these reminders instead of trying to block them out and letting them bring me down.

  At some point we started discussing our infamous Fuck It List and started a Fucked It List on my phone with some of the things that I can no longer do, or use, or see without recalling specific memories of Jax.

  Fucked It List

  1. Three-fingered salute

  2. Cocoa Butter

  3. Goats (curried!)

  4. Ducks

  5. Blacked out 4x4’s

  6. Cookie Dough Ice-Cream